New Breed of Tick Has a Bite That Will Make You Allergic To Vegetables

tick

SHELTON, West Virginia – 

A new breed of wood tick has been discovered in West Virginia, and is causing a panic among vegetarians and vegans. Along side the “reverse zombie” or “lone star” tick, which has been confirmed to trigger a red meat allergy in those bitten by the little assholes, the new “hippie tick” will make you allergic to vegetables.

“All vegetarians, vegans, and general vegetable lovers need to know about this tick,” said USDA spokesman Carl Richards. “The Reverse Zombie tick is horrible for all of us people who eat real food, like steak and cheeseburgers, but now the Hippie Tick, as we’ve come to call it, is out there – and it’s really screwing up things for all those pussy vegans.”

The Hippie Tick, which is actually known as the Ixodida Aracnodia, is small and brownish-red, like many ticks. They live in large, green grassy areas, and are especially fond of moist or wet areas – both in nature and on your body.

“Always check everywhere on your body for these little guys,” said Richards. “They’re known to be found in ear cavities, under armpits or breasts, and in rectums or vaginal cavities. They love hot, wet, smelly areas.”

So far, there are no vaccinations against the bites of either the Reverse Zombie or Hippie Tick, and neither disease is curable once contracted.

White House Doctor Says That ‘Stress of the Job’ Is Killing President Trump

Trump-sick

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump wasn’t exactly a young man when he took the office of the President in January, but now, White House doctors are saying that the extreme stress of the job is putting an extreme strain on Trump, and he might not have much time left at this rate.

“His heart is working overtime, and his stress levels are through the roof,” said Dr. Mario George, Trump’s personal physician. “His blood pressure is over twice the levels it was before he took office. At this rate, and with his age and lavish lifestyle, he is a perfect candidate for a stroke within the next year.”

For his credit, President Trump called reports of his failing health “fake news,” and said he’s feeling better than ever.

“Yes, I said that this job was a lot harder than my old one, and that I miss my old life,” said Trump. “Yes, I look more tired and I’ve already put on some weight. Yes, my body is falling apart and I can no longer keep an erection without pills, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to go. I will be your president for at least another 7 years, I promise you that!”

Why You Need to STOP Cooking With Wooden Utensils IMMEDIATELY – This Can SAVE YOUR LIFE!

woodenLOS ANGELES, California – 

A mother in Los Angeles and her two children, aged 7 and 4, are in critical condition after ingesting what doctors are saying was an “extreme amount” of mites, linked to wooden cooking utensils in the family’s kitchen.

Miranda Joseph and her children were admitted to St. Christine Hospital in Los Angeles after the three of them became severely ill after eating a dinner of macaroni with sauce on Monday evening. Originally thought to be a case of food poisoning, the diagnosis was ruled out after Joseph began vomiting tiny, black bugs.

“When we called authorities to enter Ms. Joseph’s home and obtain any remaining food from their dinner, they brought back the entire pot and utensils that were used for cooking, which happened to be wooden spoons,” said Dr. Carl Richards, an attending ER doctor. “As soon as I saw the wooden utensils, I knew what had happened.”

According to Richards, there has been an extreme amount of cases throughout California and Nevada of a new “superbug” that infests homes, and will lodge itself into anything wooden.

“These bugs, they’re like a much smaller termite, almost impossible to see until they are swarming in the millions,” said Dr. Richards. “They’ve become increasingly common in many West Coast homes, and will bore into anything wooden – your house itself, bureaus, TV stands, and yes, even wooden utensils. Unfortunately, they are also quite poisonous to the human body.”

Dr. Richards suggests that anyone who currently uses wooden utensils to throw them out immediately, and replace with stainless steel or plastic.

“You don’t want to end up dead because you like the look of wood spoons,” said Dr. Richards.

HIV-Laced Needles Found On Gas Pump Handles In New Jersey

gas

CARLSON, New Jersey – 

Police have said that they have found several HIV-laced needles on gas pump handles throughout the city of Carlson in northern New Jersey, and that they are asking for everyone to be ‘extra cautious’ when at the pumps.

“We received an initial report of a needle found taped to the underside of a gas pump handle a few weeks ago, and since then, several other instances have occurred,” said police chief Joe Glass. “We are advising anyone who pumps their own gas in the state of New Jersey to be extremely cautious of any sharp objects taped or glued to the pump handle.”

Chief Glass says that they have had the needles found tested for HIV and other STDs, and they have come back positive.

“HIV and AIDs cannot live outside the body for very long, so the people who have been pricked are lucky, and their tests have been negative, but the needles themselves are exposed,” said Chief Glass. “Please, do not pump your own gas if you can help it, and if you do, wear gloves or other protective hand gear.”

Man Licks Doorknobs, Toilet Seats To Build Immunity Against Germs

toilets

GARDNER, Indiana –

Bill Hicks can boast an immune system better than most, but the measures he has taken to obtain it are shocking. Hicks has licked everything from door handles to toilet seats in an attempt to come in contact with the most germs as possible. He has been banned from local schools, public libraries, and most shopping malls after attempting to collect used tissues from the bathrooms.

“That was real disappointing, getting banned from schools,” said Hicks. “Kids have all the germs. It was a lot easier when I could just go into a school and come in contact with all the strains of cold and flus going around at once.

Hicks says it all started out when his friend bet him that he would not lick a bathroom stall at a bar. Seeing he was willing to degrade himself, other patrons began making a game of betting Hicks he wouldn’t do disgusting things for a drink.

“Truth is I got real sick. Then I thought to myself, but now I’m immune to those germs. It became a hobby.”

Hicks claims that in the last 5 years, he hasn’t gotten the cold or flu.

“I’ll continue to get as many germs as possible just so I never get sick,” said Hicks. “So far, my method seems pretty flawless.”

8-Year-Old Fakes Cancer To Scam Make-A-Wish Foundation

sick

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A family in Atlanta convinced their 8-year-old son to go along with faking cancer to get a free trip to Disneyland, say police.

The Marques family, including Mary and Lewis Marques, both 34, and their son, 8-year-old Henry, reportedly visited doctors for over 2 years in the Atlanta area, faking symptoms of severe sickness in hopes of getting a free trip to Florida through the Make-A-Wish foundation.

“The Marques family had a very sophisticated way of doing things, in that they would constantly research rare cancer types, visit a doctor in one area, then falsify medical records, and then visit doctors in another area, using the names and locations of the previous doctor,” said police detective Mario Ferreira. “It was all an extremely elaborate scheme. The amount of time they put into it was intense. At the center of it all, of course, was 8-year-old Henry.”

According to the family, the entire scam was Henry’s idea. He was watching an episode of the TV show House on cable, and asked his mother where they found all the sick people to be in the show. When they explained that everyone, including the children on the show, were all just pretending, Henry asked if he could pretend to be sick and get on TV.

“Henry would not stop hounding us about the kids pretending to be sick. Eventually, we relented, and told him that no, we probably couldn’t get him on TV, but we might be able to get him to meet Mickey and Goofy,” said Lewis Marques. “But he had to promise to never reveal his secret – that he was totally healthy.”

Unfortunately, the secret was revealed after the Make-A-Wish foundation was contacted, as the group often does their own medical check-ups on children. It was then they discovered that Henry was perfectly healthy.

“I’m really sorry for what I did, but I just wanted to be famous!” said Henry. “And then I found out I could meet Mickey, and that seemed so cool. I don’t have any cancers at all, but I do get a cold sometimes. Will that help me go to Disney?

Man Hospitalized After Stealing Wife’s Breast Milk, Using It To Dunk Cookies

breastmilk

BANGOR, Maine –

A man in Maine was hospitalized with severe stomach issues after it was discovered that he was using his wife’s breast milk to dunk his cookies into.

Thomas Towner, 30, had apparently been sneaking into the family kitchen for weeks, dunking his favorite Girl Scout cookies into glasses of his wife, Vanessa’s, breast milk.

“We just had our first baby, and Vanessa has been pumping non-stop,” said Thomas. “We have a massive surplus of it in the fridge and freezer. I accidentally got a little on my hand one time while feeding the baby, and I just licked it off, without really thinking about it. It was delicious. Ever since, I can’t get enough of the stuff.”

Doctors say that they pumped more than a gallon of breast milk out of Thomas’ stomach.

“Breast milk is rich with nutrients and minerals, and it’s good for babies – not so much for adults, though,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Maine General Hospital. “Mr. Towner had been drinking so much of the stuff, it was poisoning his body. We do not at all recommend drinking your own, or your wife’s, breast milk. Save that stuff for the baby. They need it more than you.”

Parents Turn Basement Into Rehab Dungeon After Finding Dabs in Teenager’s Room

teensdabs

DAMON, South Dakota – 

Nora Ladd at first did not know what she was looking at when she found dabs, or “shatter,” in her 17 year old’s room. She at first thought the amber-colored drug was crack, due to the “crack-pipe” type rig and torch found with it. Dabs is a concentrated form of marijuana with up to 90% THC.

Nora immediately went to the internet to find out just what her teenage son, Scott, was up to. Nora says she would have preferred that it had been crack since she read dabs were extremely dangerous. “I read you could blow up from smoking dabs because it’s made with butane. I flushed it down the toilet, fearing for my life because it could have combusted any second. Then I called Bert and we agreed something had to be done.”

Nora insisted Bert, her husband, convert his “man-cave” in the basement, because it was was the safest place for their son to be. She had him quickly transformed the space into a “Rehab” while their son was staying a friend’s for the weekend.

Authorities say that although Scott has been kept in the basement since before Christmas vacation started, the parents will be permitted to keep him there until his 18th birthday in May. Social workers have determined keeping him in the basement is the appropriate thing to do, given the severity of his addiction to marijuana. Natalie Parker of DHHS says, “The basement a clean, adequate facility. It has a private bathroom, mom’s home cooking- really all children should be so lucky.”

Some are calling these measures extreme and say “shatter” is neither explosive or harmful, but local users are either too high, or afraid of coming-out as smokers, to campaign for Scott’s freedom.

Sick Woman Places Onions In Socks Around Room; Does Nothing But Annoy Husband

socks

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

John Maher is threating to divorce his wife, Shirley Maher, if she refuses to get off Facebook after it linked her to a “cure” for her common cold.

After reading about the antibacterial properties of onions, Geraldine placed bowls of onions around the room and put sliced raw onions in her socks. She had read the phosphoric acid would enter her bloodstream through her feet. The article also promised that her room would not stink, since the onions would absorb bacteria which it claimed is the cause of most foot and body odor.

“I had a very stubborn cold so I would’ve tried anything. My husband was of course skeptical, but I don’t know- I think it helped,” she says.

John disagrees. “It didn’t do anything but stink up the house. Can’t get the smell of onions out of the mattress now. Of course it did not do a damn thing, since germs don’t go leaking out of your feet, and even if onions kill bacteria, the common cold is caused by a virus.”

John says this is not the first time something silly she read on Facebook has hurt their marriage. “Besides the fact I have to listen to all the damned gossip, she nearly burned the place down with some craft involving all my good sharpies and rubbing alcohol. It’s my own fault really. Mother told me not to marry Shirley. You wouldn’t believe it now, but I was quite the stud in my day.”

U.N. Worker In Contact With Refugees Contracts Unknown Skin Disease

skin

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

A United Nations employee who worked on the intake of refugees fleeing to the United States seeking asylum has contracted a serious and as-yet-unknown skin condition that is causing panic among government workers.

According to doctors, Mark Shawl, who has worked for the U.N. for over 20 years, came in contact with an infected Syrian refugee and contracted a serious and potentially contagious skin condition.

“Mr Shawl’s skin has formed extreme and vile callouses over most of his body, but especially on his hands,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the Maine State General Hospital in Augusta. “At this point were are not able to pinpoint exactly what is causing the disorder, but we are taking measures to ensure that this condition does not spread further.”

Dr. Brown says that Mr. Shawl’s fingers are getting the worst of it, and one has become so hard and brittle that it has begun to fall off.

“So far, Mr. Shawl is the only one this heavily infected by whatever is causing the issue,” said Dr. Brown. “Unfortunately, he is not the only one entirely. Several other people have since come into our location with similar issues. We are working jointly with the US Department of Health to discover the cause.”

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