No More Meat Loaf For Meatloaf

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Grammy-winning singer Meat Loaf is “responsive and recovering well” after fainting during a show in Edmonton, Canada, but those close to him say he will be forced to make major changes to his lifestyle. No red meat, no touring, and no sex are among the sacrifices Marvin Lee Aday will be forced to make.

The artist been feeling the strain of touring for years. Meat Loaf’s farewell tour was in 2013 when he said, ‘This time, they’re not going to rope me back in’.” The 68-year-old artist was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat problem known as Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome after another onstage collapse in London in 2003. This disease is Associated with risk of sudden cardiac death.

One witness, Jamie Carriere, told CBC News Meat Loaf was performing his Grammy-winning song I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) from the 1993 album as an encore when he collapsed.

“He fell … he just fell,” Carriere said. “You could hear the microphone just hit the ground.”

Meatloaf says he is willing to give up red meat. “I’ll do anything for my health, but I won’t give up steak. No I won’t do that.”

Celine Dion To Start Cancer Foundation, Wants Your Money

celine

HALIFX, Nova Scotia, Canada – 

Within two days of each other last month, Celine Dion’s husband and brother died in battles with cancer. Throngs of fans were gathered outside of the funeral homes during each funeral, and security guards doubled as donation collectors passing around a hat so they could show their support. Dion says the money she has collected and future donations will go towards cancer research in Canada.

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Dion reportedly came up with the idea while she was performing “My Heart Will Go On” as a tribute to her brother during a drunken karaoke session after he passed. “The song made me think of Titanic, which always makes me think of the boatload of money I made from that song. It also makes me think of how all our ships are going down in the long run, and I wanted to leave a legacy behind. Something my family could be proud of.”

The Daniel Dion Foundation will be based in Celine’s hometown of Charlemagne, Quebec. Dion says she hopes fans will redirect their fan mail there, and remember to include a check or money order.

“I had the choice between paying my rent, or sending Celine Dion a check, and I went with Dion,” said superfan Jamal Francis. “I have been in love with that woman’s voice since I could remember, and this is a good cause. I know she could give her own money, but my money is just as good.”

Drake: ‘Nothing Personal About The Kiss, I Just Don’t Like Washed-Up Old Pop Singers’

Drake: 'Nothing Personal About Kiss, I Just Don't Like Washed-Up Old Pop Singers'

INDIO, California – 

Drake caused waves in the celebrity world at Coachella, after he appeared grossed out by a lip kiss from Madonna. The 56-year-old singer stuck her tongue in Drake’s mouth on stage, after which the 28-year-old scrunched up his face in disgust. But the rapper has since apologized, saying that it was nothing personal. His response, instead, was simply because he doesn’t like being kissed by washed up old celebrities twice his age.

“I don’t have anything against Mad[onna]. But being molested by women who want to be young again – that’s not my style,” he told E! Entertainment. “Usually I kiss beautiful young trending celebs. This is just a bit out of my comfort zone.”

Madonna, for her part, took the seeming rejection calmly, saying she was not particularly bothered.

“I don’t care. It’s not like I really on pissies like him for affirmation. What – you think I wanna date someone his age?”

She went on to remind us that some young singers did want to kiss her.

“Britney Spears. She kissed me. She kissed me long and hard. And she loved it. And there have been others. They might not have been publicized, but young people love me.”

Fans of Madonna have come out in support of the aging songstress, posting on Twitter and Instagram that they find her incredibly attractive, never mind that she’s old and washed up.

“Oh my geee-eerd. I leeerve Ma-donner,” said one. “She’s so ke-yurt. I would totally kiss he-er.”

Drake fans, however, defended their idol.

“My man Drake is cool yo,” said 12 year old Martin. “He’s the best, and no mother of Christ can say different. Who even knew Madonna was still alive?”

Drake later released a further statement, saying that he’s open to giving the kiss another go, as long as Madonna fixes that gap in her teeth.

Beyoncé Announces Departure From Music Business

Beyoncé Announces Departure From Music Business

LOS ANGELES, California – 

After losing Best Album at this year’s Grammy’s, Beyoncé has announced she intends to quit music.

As stated to EntertainUs News, “Everyone is gonna think it’s because that honkey Beck stole my Grammy. I couldn’t care less. I’ve been planning to leave music for a while now. I had really wanted to end my career on a high note, and when I won the award I planned to make the announcement, but I guess my album just wasn’t good enough.”

When asked if she appreciated Kanye’s show of support, her answer was surprising. “That whole bunch is two-faced. After the show, Kim [Kardashian] gave me a nasty look and told me to stay away from her man. Like I wanted that fool to jump onstage on my behalf?! I think she’s threatened because my booty is all natural. Enough with the drama, though. I don’t need Kanye defending me at every turn anymore. It’s time to just back away. Between Kanye West, the Illuminati rumors, and all the memes of my face looking like Tina Turner on crack, it’s time to just take a break. A permanent break.”

What’s next for the star? “Jay wants me to be home more, bake apple pies, that kinda thing.  I hate to disappoint my fans, but I’m looking forward to some long overdue rest and relaxation, with my face out of the tabloids. Maybe in a few years I’ll see what Mike Myers is up to, and we can have a go at another Austin Powers movie or something.”

 

Singer Sam Smith Makes Shocking Confession: ‘I’m Really A Middle-Aged Black Man’

Singer Sam Smith Makes Shocking Confession- 'I'm A Middle-Aged Black Man'

 

LOS ANGELES, California – 

There has been an outpouring of fan support for singer-songwriter and Grammy nominee Sam Smith, after he confessed earlier this week to actually being a middle-aged black man. The admission came after months of speculation, founded mainly on the assessment of vocal experts who expressed scepticism that Smith was young and white.

“There are certain tonalities, which…well, if you’re not a middle-aged black man, are almost impossible,” said Mike Cohen, long-time writer for Rolling Stones magazine. “In all my years in the business, I have never heard a voice like his come from anywhere but the mouth of an African American, usually over the age of forty.”

Another source, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted that his suspicions were already confirmed when he saw the crooner performing at a recent concert.

“Maybe a white guy could pull that off,” he said. “But it would be unnatural. You’d know by the contortions of his lips that that was not his natural voice. Sam’s voice, however, flows from his tongue like warm honey, as if it was born there. It left me no doubt that the man on stage was black.”

Many of his long-time followers have stated that they “already knew,” and were leaving it to him to decide when to expose his secret. They further said that they supported his choice – that “what he does with his skin color and age is his choice, and [they’ll] love him no matter what”.

A minority of fans, however, are expressing their anger and disappointment on YouTube videos of the admittedly aging star. They say that they feel betrayed, like everything he claimed to be was a lie. Some went so far as to decry his revelations as unnatural, and against the word of God.

“It’s pretty obvious that he’s not only a fraud, but a sick pervert,” said one angry youth. “What kind of a person leads people on like that, causing them to love him, and then breaking their hearts with this deviant lifestyle?”

Sam Smith used his Twitter account to express his gratitude to those who have supported him, and to affirm that, at the very least, he is actually gay – so there’s that to hang onto.

Miley Cyrus Hospitalized After Violent Overdose

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – Miley Cyrus Hospitalized After Violent Overdose

Superstar singer Miley Cyrus, on a break between tour dates, has been hospitalized after an apparent overdose on what is believed to be a near fatal combination of sugar and caffeine, publicist Michelle Plasko revealed to the Associated Press this morning.

“Miley needs help, and we feel that coming forward with this information was something we needed to do in order to reach out to her fans, friends, and family,” Plasko stated. “Sure, she dabbled with recreational drugs for a couple of years, but what kid doesn’t try some pot growing up? She’s quit all that stuff, but now, she’s addicted to candy, soda, and coffee. I mean, she eats so many Sour Patch Kids each day, she’s starting to lose sensation in her tongue.”

Earlier this year, Cyrus cancelled several tour dates and made several trips to hospitals for what was mostly described as bad reactions to medications, such as antibiotics. When asked if those episodes were actually related to Cyrus’s sugar abuse, Plasko stated that “the past was the past.”

“We would like to focus on today and the future,” said Plasko. “Previous episodes may or may not have been related to the fact that she drinks 5 or 6 2-liter bottles of RC Cola every day. I can’t comment on that. What I will say is that Miley is a very young woman, and the lifestyle has really caught up to her extremely fast. We ask everyone to please be understanding as we look for way to pull her from the deep, dark hole on confections that she has put herself in.”

When asked if Cyrus is planning to continue her touring and other artistic endeavors, Cyrus’ father, Billy Ray, replied by saying the artist plans on fulfilling every commitment she has made.

“Miley will make good on every tour date that is planned,” said Billy Ray Cyrus. “Yes, she needs help for her fiendish ways, but it is more important that she gives her fans what they want, first and foremost. If she needs to bump a couple lines of Pixy-Stix to make it through a concert, then that’s what will have to happen. When all of this is over, then we can try to talk her into getting help. But for now, all that matters is her performance and living up to those standards.”

 

Actress, Singer Tila Tequila Gets Cosmetic Surgery To Make Her Appear Pregnant

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Actress Tila Tequila Gets Cosmetic Surgery To Make Her Appear Pregnant

Actress, porn star, singer, and TV personality Tila Tequila has undergone a new type of cosmetic surgery not well-known in this country. Although popular in places like Mexico and Uganda, Tequila’s ‘pregnancy implant’ is the first of its kind as performed by plastic surgeons in the United States.

Tequila says that she got the implant because she thought that “looking pregnant” was sexy, and that the new faux-bump would give her the look without all the ‘messy after effects’ that come with having a baby.

“Pregnant women are so unbelievably sexy,” said Tequila. “Something about a woman carrying a baby really turns me on. I always wanted to have that look, but I’ll be damned if I wanted to actually have to go through the whole process of pushing a baby out of my vajay. I’ve got a living to make, and that living is underwritten by how tight my stomach, abs, and vagina are. This surgery is the next best thing to actually getting all preggers.”

Tequila’s surgeon, Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, said that the fake pregnancy bump was actually designed to only last about 9 months, and it would slowly ‘deflate’ after.

“It’s not your typical implant, like a breast implant, that is there forever. This type of implant is designed to be very large for the same duration as a typical pregnancy, then slowly disintegrate back into the body afterwards. The actual implant itself is made from human tissue and water capsules, and is all completely safe.”

For now, Tequila says she is enjoying her ‘baby bump,’ and says that maybe someday she will want to have a baby for real.

“In the mean time, though, I can still party hard and get all the attention I’ve always been used to, but now everyone will really want to screw me.”

Taylor Swift To Put Music Career On Hold, Plans on Attending College

NEW YORK, New York – Taylor Swift To Put Music Career On Hold, Plans on Attending College

Taylor Swift, the biggest name in pop and country at the moment shocked fans, promoters and the entire music industry today when she cancelled her world tour. Swift announced in a statement that ‘there’s nothing more important than education,’ and she plans on attending college starting this January in time for the spring semester. 

“I hope my fans support my decision, I’m not the first star to put a career on hold,” said Swift. “Jodie Foster went to Yale, Natalie Portman went to Harvard, and Emma Watson went to Brown. If they could put their careers on hold to get an education, so can I. As a role model to millions of young girls, I feel it’s my duty to show the importance of education. So I’ll be going to a little school in Boston that maybe some of you have heard of, to pursue my life long dream.”

According to Swift and her management, going to school is the only thing that’s kept her back from becoming the biggest musician of all-time, as opposed to just one of the biggest musicians of all-time.

“Because I want to live this dream, today I am proud to announce I was accepted to Boston’s Medford Community College School of Dog Grooming. I will be starting this January, for a grueling 6 months of courses to achieve my certificate, but I know with the support of God and my fans, I can do it. I want to let my fellow students know even though I may be the only one going to a commuter school in a limo, I’m just a regular down-home country girl at heart.”

“I’m really, really sad that she’s not going to be singing anymore,” said Amy Anderson, a 12-year-old fan. “6 months is like a lifetime away from making music, but I’m happy for her. Well I’m more sad for me than happy for her. I don’t know how I feel. My Mom and Dad are both doctors, and they wanted me to be a doctor. I wanted to be a singer like Taylor, but now I guess I  want to be a dog groomer like Taylor.”

 

Justin Bieber to Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Justin Bieber To Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine set to hit the stands in October, Justin Bieber announced that he will be starring in the title role in the beloved classic musical, Annie, on Broadway next year.

Said the young music sensation, “I’m pretty stoked to take a break from the hip hop scene and do what I really love—show tunes.”

He also noted the parallels between the rags-to-riches character and his own shot to wealth and stardom. “Annie really inspired my journey,” he said. “And if she were a real person, I really think she’d be a belieber.”

Bieber revealed that the song, It’s a Hard Knock Life was the reason he chose to break into music to begin with, and even claims that from the moment his mom put in the old VHS during a family fun night, he became convinced that it gave birth to the hip-hop movement as we know it.

“If you think about it,” said Bieber, “hip-hop came from rap, an art form inspired by disenfranchised youth and life on the streets. People think being from a white Canadian family I don’t know about that. But I saw the great classic film Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Belieb me. I know.”

Aside from his elation at this career-changing opportunity, which he calls “a dream come true,” he can’t wait to “take a Lamborghini through Times Square at 120.”

At the close of the interview, Bieber stated that proceeds from the production will be donated to a support group for celebrities who have been defamed by the media.

“That’s right homies, the sun will come out tomorrow,” Bieber said, with a fist-bump to the chest. “The Biebs has got all ya’lls back.”

When asked if more gender-bending stage performances could be anticipated in the near future, he replied, “Right now I’m in talks with Alex Timbers to do Anne of Green Gables.”

Tickets go on sale August 1st, 2014.

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