Health Department Warns About DANGEROUS New Tick That Burrows Under Your Skin – These Guys Are DISGUSTING and DEADLY!

Posted on May 24, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US Health Department has issued warnings in 6 states – New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, and Rhode Island – about a dangerous and deadly new breed of tick that will immediately burrow into human skin, and can actually live under your flesh for days or even weeks undetected.

Dr. James Monroe, head of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, issued the warning through the White House, who sent out examples of the tick to all 50 states – with specific warnings in the 6 targeted states that the ticks have been found.

“So far, we’ve had over 800 cases in 6 states, mostly in New England at this time,” said Dr. Monroe. “It is rapidly reaching epidemic levels, and the nature of these insects is disturbing. They will burrow under human flesh, and can feed on your blood from within your body, much like a ‘regular’ tick will do now, but the variance being that these ticks are much more deadly, and much more likely to make their way into you undetected. It is advisable that people stay out of heavily wooded areas, or any place with high grass or plants.”

Dr. Monroe says that of the 800 cases, there has been 19 reported deaths, mostly elderly people, whose bodies were not able to fight off the bacteria released by the ticks. Whereas a regular or deer tick is commonly known for carrying Lyme Disease, these new “super ticks” carry a disease more likened to the Black Plague, causing nightmarish fevers, aches, heart problems, and possible death.

Nike Admits To Making Some Shoes From Skin of Elephants

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GROVER, Kansas –

After a boycott hashtag surfaced last month over Nike making their sneakers using the skin of elephants, the company stayed very mum on the subject, and made no public comment on the viral images and memes. Today, though, the massive shoe empire came forward, and admitted that they had been using the hide of many animals, including elephants, to make their shoes.

“We are extremely sorry that we did not make this known to our customers when they purchased our shoes, but we are, to be honest, embarrassed about it,” said a statement. “We began making Nike shoes in a different time, and it wasn’t as looked down upon to make our shoes from the skin of animals, even endangered ones. Once things took off, though, there was no stopping.”

Nike says that they have used elephant, lion, cat, snake, and even giraffe skin in their shoes over the years, and that they had never been able to find a suitable faux substitute that would also be able to hold up in the same way their shoes could.

“Animal hides are rough, rugged, and tough, and they keep our shoes lasting, while also allowing us to charge a premium for the shoes,” said the company in the same statement. “We are currently developing new materials that we can make the shoes out of, while still maintaining the same quality our customers have come to know.”

Doctor Discovers Thousands Of Baby Spiders Inside Boil On Man’s Face

Posted on March 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A Miami man visited a doctor recently for what he assumed was a skin rash or a boil on the side of his face, but doctors surprised him by explaining that the lesion was actually a spider’s nest.

“When the patient came in, he thought he was just going to be getting the area lanced and cleaned,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Miami-Dade Hospital Center. “As soon as he came into the ER, though, we sectioned him off and had to perform minor surgery immediately.”

This is not the first time that a Miami-area man has had spider eggs laid inside their body. In 2006, another man was complaining of an itchy spot on his leg, and doctors were forced to amputate from the knee down after they discovered a colony of more than 10,000 baby spiders had nested under his skin.

“Our patient was a lot more lucky. He will not lose any of the skin on his face, and we were able to contain and kill all of the spiders,” said Dr. Brown. “Basically, a pregnant spider must have been crawling on our patient’s face during the evening, and was able to lay her eggs in an opening when our young patient was suffering from severe acne. It’s a fluke, and rare, but something everyone should be aware of.”

New York City Restaurant Becomes First To Get License To Serve Human Flesh

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Where else but New York City? A newly opened restaurant within the city limits is boasting the nation’s first license to serve human flesh on the menu. The restaurant, simply called SKIN, received a license after petitioning the state and federal governments over laws against cannibalism.

“As a species, we are at the top of the food chain, and the only meat left to tackle was other humans,” said SKIN owner Mario Dorcy, a 4-star Michelin chef. “We battled long and hard to be able to serve human meat in our restaurant, and the government finally conceded that were were in the right.”

Dorcy says that he has been fighting cannibal ordinance laws for over 10 years, and was finally given the green-light after he promised that the meat that was used would only come from people who had donated their bodies specifically to his restaurant, knowing full well that they would be eaten.

“We have to keep meticulous records, and there is a lot of paperwork someone has to fill out before they die, and before they can be eaten,” said Dorcy. “We do pay handsomely for body donations, though, and the money can be used for anything, since funeral expenses become zero when you donate your body to be eaten.”

Dorcy says that there are plenty of dishes on the menu that do not include human meat, but those leery of the process should not order at all.

“Just like on those packages of candies with allergy warnings that say ‘the machines also are used to make items with nuts,’ our utensils are also used to cook human meat,” said Dorcy. “So don’t come in if you’re not down with what we do.”

U.N. Worker In Contact With Refugees Contracts Unknown Skin Disease

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A United Nations employee who worked on the intake of refugees fleeing to the United States seeking asylum has contracted a serious and as-yet-unknown skin condition that is causing panic among government workers.

According to doctors, Mark Shawl, who has worked for the U.N. for over 20 years, came in contact with an infected Syrian refugee and contracted a serious and potentially contagious skin condition.

“Mr Shawl’s skin has formed extreme and vile callouses over most of his body, but especially on his hands,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the Maine State General Hospital in Augusta. “At this point were are not able to pinpoint exactly what is causing the disorder, but we are taking measures to ensure that this condition does not spread further.”

Dr. Brown says that Mr. Shawl’s fingers are getting the worst of it, and one has become so hard and brittle that it has begun to fall off.

“So far, Mr. Shawl is the only one this heavily infected by whatever is causing the issue,” said Dr. Brown. “Unfortunately, he is not the only one entirely. Several other people have since come into our location with similar issues. We are working jointly with the US Department of Health to discover the cause.”

Toddler Hospitalized With 2nd Degree Burns From Radiant Heat Flooring

Posted on January 26, 2015 by DesireeAmber

RIVERSIDE, Connecticut –

2-year-old Todd Calais has been admitted to Washington Valley Medical Center due to burns found on his legs and arms apparently caused by radiant heat flooring. The popular, and fairly inexpensive, home-heating system is commonly used in New England homes to keep people’s feet warm on cold winter mornings. With a temperature gauge that only reaches 90° it is baffling doctors that this was even possible.

Sgt. Carl Roderickson of the Riverside Police Department says a call came in around 6:13 PM on Sunday evening, when the mother of the 2-year-old, Elizabeth Calais, reported he had been badly burned by a portion of their floor. To the surprise of EMS officials, the young boy was attached to the floor when they arrived, his skin melting directly to the floor almost as though an epoxy was used to glue him down. Calais said she had been applying cool water and ice to ease the pain, however it took multiple people to move the boy into the ambulance.

“We ended up just cutting up a chunk of the flooring, and carrying both Todd and the floor that he was stuck to right out to the ambulance,” said paramedic Joe Goldsmith. “It was really abnormal, but thankfully out here you’re never too far from someone with a power-saw and a hankering to use it.”

Local police are investigating the incident, and have assure the media that Todd’s safety is top priority. Connecticut DHHS workers have been involved assessing the child’s condition, and so far have found no wrong-doing on the part of the parents.

“It’s the craziest thing. I didn’t know that something like this could happen, but it’s definitely something that I never want to have to deal with again,” said Goldsmith. “I have no idea how they got that floor so hot, but I tell ya, when I was in there, the rubber on the bottom of my shoes started melting if I stood in one spot too long.”

“Yeah, I guess we kind of overdid it with the whole floor heating thing,” said Calais. “My ex-husband, before he moved out, he tinkered with it a bit. He was a tinkerer, that’s for sure. Caught him tinkering with the neighbor’s wife, which is why he’s now an ex. But yeah, his feet got cold a lot, so he got it so that the floor temperature could be whatever we wanted. I guess I must have bumped the thermostat or something. The police said it was up at over 200° when they took the temperature.”

Todd Calais is reportedly doing fine, and the boards were easily removed from his skin once he arrived at the hospital.