Town Creates Mandatory Bedtime For Children Under 18

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KATHRYN, North Dakota –

The small town of Kathryn in North Dakota recently held their monthly city council meeting, where members voted in favor of a mandatory bedtime of 8 PM for children under 12, and 10 PM for children aged 13-17. They expect the new rules will help with the town’s growing “discipline” problem that prevents almost half of teenagers from graduating high school. This is expected to give parents more tools in keeping their children in line.

Liam Harvey, father of five legitimate children and two others, complains that, “The belt’s just not working on kid’s today. I locked mine in the broom closet, till an officer told me I couldn’t do that no more. I’m as pleased as punch the law’ll do the dirty work for me now.”

Selectman Rob Bankes “We aren’t going to be taking babies out of their cribs for being up at 2 am. This is about kids who are being raised to be good for nothin’s with no sense of responsibility. Early to bed early to rise keeps idle hands from becoming the devil’s plaything.”

Although Kathryn’s population is only approximately 60 citizens, Bankes expects other small town’s in North Dakota will follow their example.

Man Sets World Record By Staying Awake For 19 Straight Days

Man Sets World Record By Staying Awake For 19 Straight Days

FLINT, Michigan – 

A Flint resident, Mitchell Royale, 28, has set a new, unsanctioned world record for most time spent awake, at a total of 19 days, 3 hours, 26 minutes, and 14 seconds.

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“The record is only unsanctioned because it’s too dangerous for Guinness to keep a record of anymore,” said timekeeper and friend Kenneth Foyer. “Mitchell really went hard on this challenge. He tried once a year ago, but only made it 7 days, not enough for a record.”

The previous record, held by Randy Gardner and set when he was only 17, was just over 11 days. Royale beat that time by over a week.

“He didn’t take any drugs at all, no coffee even, no caffeine. He just sat here binge watching shows on Netflix,” said Foyer. “I can’t believe he went as long as he did. When I was taking my shift sleeping, we had another time keeper, Gail, here with us. She says that Mitchell never even looked tired. He just kept hitting the ‘yes I’m still watching’ option on the remote, and caught up on like 7 different TV series.”

After setting the new record, Mitchell celebrated by instantly dropping dead of heart failure. He would have been 29 in June.

Daycare Owner Arrested After Being Caught Taking Naps With Children

 Daycare Owner Behind Bars After Getting Caught Taking Naps With Children

 

OMAHA, Nebraska-

A local Omaha man is behind bars today, but is claiming that he did nothing wrong, and is being falsely accused of crimes he did not commit. Anthony Parks, 34, is a daycare provider in Omaha. Police arrested him early Wednesday morning after being receiving complaints by parents that he was ‘laying down’ with the children during their nap time.

Parks admitted to police that he was, in fact, taking naps with the children, but also claims he never had any un-natural motives behind laying with them.

“I’m just exhausted by the time their nap time rolls around,” Parks. “Have you ever watched after 14 3-year-olds? It’s not easy. The kids were all laying down for their nap one afternoon, and I was so run down, I just laid down with them. The nap, along with the whale noises I play from the white-noise machine I bought for the kids, really made me feel refreshed. So, I just started doing it every single day.”

Parents of the children are outraged by Parks’ actions, and say that none of them ever thought there was anything “funky” going on.

“It’s not like we thought he was laying there to get some sort of sexual pleasure out of it, being surrounded by a dozen toddlers,” said mother Mary Lambert, whose daughter Kathy, 2, frequents the daycare. “My God, I’d almost rather he were molesting them. That would be easier to understand. Years of therapy could fix that problem. The problem that couldn’t be fixed would be one of those kids waking up and running off because they’re not being supervised.”

Parks is speaking out against the accusations, and promises parents he had the whole thing under control and would never let one of his students get hurt.

“Everyone needs a nap once in a while, and it wasn’t a big deal,” said Parks. “I’m hoping that these parents understand that I’m not a very sound sleeper, so even the slightest little noise, and I would have darted right up.”

“I just can’t believe anything he says,” said Lambert. “Honestly, we all thought he was shady from the beginning. Not very often a man owns a daycare in the first place. Plus, that bushy mustache and glasses, and the fact that he drives a windowless van with clowns and balloons painted on it, it’s a little unnerving. But frankly, the kids loved him. Now I have to tell Kathy, every time she asks where Mr. Tony is, that she can’t see him anymore because he’s been a bad boy.”

 

Experts Predict Major Bed Bug Infestation In The U.S. Will Kill Thousands In 2015

FORT COLLINS, Colorado – Experts Predict Major Bed Bug Infestation In The U.S. Will Kill Thousands In 2015

Cimex lectularius, commonly known as the Bed Bug here In the United States, is a parasitic insect which feeds primarily on human blood, and has become infamous for its infestations within the past decade. Dr. DeMarcus Johnson, head of Insect Sciences at Colorado State University says, though, that these last ten years were ‘the easy part.’

“The good ol’ days are clearly behind us,” Dr. Johnson said. “Sometime after spring and heading into Summertime, we will begin to see massive Bed Bug infestations, so drastic that we predict large quantities will feed on humans and cause significant loss of life.”

“I do not take any comfort in alarming the good people of this beautiful country, but this is by-far more of a probability rather than a possibility. To put into perspective, just imagine getting stung by hundreds of bees at the same time while asleep at night. If that happened to millions of Americans every night, thousands of those people would die on a weekly basis. These little suckers are sneaky and do not sting like a bee does, they just gradually suck the blood right out of you without even waking you up.” Dr. Johnson stated.

Bed Bugs have increasingly become more of a problem in the United States every year. The pests build massive nests inside mattresses, and when a human being lies on the mattress they sense the person’s body heat, at which point they go into feeding mode by sucking blood out of the human body, much like a tick or a leech. When silently attacked by thousands of the insects during sleep, they can literally suck you dry. The also carry a vast array of deadly diseases.

“We are doing everything we can to warn American citizens of this awful soon-to-be plague, but unfortunately, there just isn’t much else to do but make sure your home is clear of them now. Buy new mattresses, couches, chairs, and any other ‘soft’ furniture you may have in your home. Burn the ones that exist now. Replace old carpets with new, or use strictly hardwood flooring. Do not wait until spring or summer, by then, I regret to say, it will be much too late. Vampires are real, and they exist in the form of the Bed Bug.”

87% Of Population Fear Having Feet Grabbed By Boogeyman If Left Uncovered During Sleep

STORRS, Connecticut – 87 Of Population Fear Having Feet Grabbed By Boogeyman If Left Uncovered During Sleep

The National Association of Sleep Comfort and Coziness (NASCC),  a scientific sleep and comfort research program based at the University of Connecticut, released scientific findings accumulated by a clinical study earlier this week showing that 87% of Americans fear having their bare, uncovered feet snatched by the mythical creature known as ‘The Boogeyman’.

Dr. Jason Harper, who leads all studies conducted by the NASCC explained the details of the month-long clinical trial in an interview with Empire News yesterday morning.

“For this study we compiled five-hundred participants, five males and five females from all fifty U.S. states. The trial, which was conducted over a period of thirty days, showed that the overwhelming majority of test subjects could not get a good, sufficient night of sleep if their feet were left uncovered, no matter the temperature,” Dr. Harper said. “Upon further analysis, it was ultimately discovered that 87% of the test subjects had the subconscious, and overwhelming feeling that some mysterious being, aka ‘The Boogeyman’, would come along and grab their uncovered feet as they tried to coax themselves into falling asleep.”

Mark Grammar, of Louisville, Kentucky, who was a participant in the study, told Empire News that he did not consciously believe in ‘The Boogeyman’ before the thirty-day trial, but has had an overpowering sense of fear when trying to sleep at night with his feet uncovered all his life.

“It sounds crazy I know,” Grammar said. “I just can’t fall asleep at night with my bare feet left uncovered because I expect some person or creature to come along and grab them. I would never have believed it, but the study showed that it is indeed a powerful manifestation of my subconscious mind, and that is why most people feel so vulnerable about leaving their bare feet uncovered at night.”

Dr. Harper revealed that 56% of test subjects were females who have a fear of the foot-snatching creeper, leaving 31% males who fear the intimidating, sleep depriving, podiatrist-aspiring beast.

Tanya Brown, of San Diego, California, one of the fearless 13%, said that she laughed all the way through the experiment. “It was such a hoot! Most everyone would be so tired everyday because they couldn’t sleep because they were afraid of the Boogeyman! I mean really? The struggle is indeed real! The Boogeyman gonna getcha!” Brown said as she laughed out loud.

NASCAR Driver Falls Asleep at Wheel, 22 Injured

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida – NASCAR Driver Falls Asleep at Wheel, 22 Injured

During a NASCAR race in Daytona on Friday afternoon, 22 people were injured after new driver Mark Hardy fell asleep and crashed during a straightaway. Reports say the people who were injured consisted mostly of employees of the track.

Hardy walked away with no serious injuries, but says the situation is bitter-sweet.

“I am happy to be alive, of course but I feel terrible that others got hurt,” said Hardy. “It’s also hard, because I was in second place. I could have won the whole thing if I had just gotten some sleep the night before.”

Hardy says the crash was caused because he fell asleep at the wheel. He claimed that he didn’t sleep well because he was too nervous and excited about his first ‘big’ race, and that after driving left in a circle for so many miles during the race, it was a wonder he even stayed awake as long as he did.

“Anyone who is driving that long, going nowhere, you could tend to get drowsy,” said Hardy. “Think of it from a fan’s perspective. If you’re watching at home, there’s no way you’re not taking a nap midway through the event, right? It’s not any different for a driver.”

Strangely enough, it appears from video reviewed after the accident that Hardy was asleep for two laps before crashing.

“I remember my eyes getting really heavy, and then nothing for a bit, but I could still hear the noise of the other racers whizzing past me. I must have been driving on auto-pilot, basically. I remember being almost startled awake, and when I jumped, my leg hit the steering wheel and launched me off the track,” said Hardy.

According to hospital reports, all 22 people were, amazingly, treated and released, suffering minor injuries, with the biggest being a broken wrist. Hardy will be fined for racing in a state that NASCAR ‘unfit’ for driving.

 

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