Experts Say Smartphones Causing Dramatic Increase In Permanent Blindness Among Americans

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Dr. Henry Lee Sen-Su, a researcher and doctor in the field of ophthalmology, is one of the leading experts on blindness in the world. Sen-Su and says that people are killing their eyesight, and within the next fifteen to twenty years, nearly thirty percent of Americans will be inflicted with some degree of permanent blindness.

“The average American smartphone owner checks their phone over 150 time in one day. While some do not spend much time on theirs, many look at their smartphones up to one thousand times in a day, an alarming and extremely dangerous routine,” Dr. Sen-Su said. “This, in my opinion, is just as much of a problem as the obesity epidemic here. It is my educated and guaranteed expert opinion that in the next fifteen to twenty years, over one-quarter of the nations adults, age 40 and older, will become legally blind. All because they can’t resist checking their news feed or checking for whatever bizarre news topics or celebrity is trending. Something must be done, and it needs to be done quickly.”

According to Dr. Sen-Su, the screens that make up our smartphones, whether it be iPhones or a Samsung Galaxy, are becoming “too good,” causing a mild retina burn whenever you look at them. “Thank God that the teeny-tiny phone trend is dying,” said Sen-Su. “The larger phones coming back means slightly less eye strain, which was only compounding the problem.”

Maxwell Picholucini, a spokesperson for NABA, the National Association of Blindness Awareness, says that the organization has set up an agenda to promote the act of personal and vocal interaction to substitute for text messaging.

“The facts are in, and the research has proven that our phones are causing harm to our eyesight. People need to not rely on texting so much, and start making calls and actually talking to each other on their phones. Burning your retinas with your smart phone is not very smart,” Picholucini said. “We at NABA are promoting a slow-down in technology, and are also looking at even going back to older pieces, such as fax machines and rotary phones. Saving people from going blind is our top priority.”

FRESNO, California –

With gay marriage being a hot button political issue over the least few years, now it appears that people will have something else to argue about. A Fresno man has recently taken to the altar, but there was no person standing across from him when he got married.

Robert Henry, age 25, has been married for about a month now. The thing hat makes this marriage strange is the fact that it isn’t even with a living creature. Henry has found a way to legal marry his iPhone 6, and claims he has no regrets in doing so.

“I waited in line for her for about 13 hours, and when I finally met her, it was love at first sight,” said Henry. “Most people don’t see this as true love, but I’ve never felt this way about any person or other object before, so it must be love.”

Henry hired lawyers in his home state of California to find a loophole in the marriage laws that would allow him to legally wed his iPhone. Once they were able to find that there was no official wording on whether a recipient of marriage had to actually be human, that was all Henry needed to continue with his quest. He hired his own officiate, and tied the knot with his new phone at the beginning of October. He has his marriage license and paper work to back it.

“Most people think I’m looking for attention, or maybe I saw the movie Her one too many times, but that isn’t the case at all. I really am in love,” said Henry.

When we asked him what he would do if he ever dropped the phone in water, or it broke, Henry was speechless. “I’m not sure. That really never crossed my mind. But, I don’t use Jennifer – that’s her name, by the way – as a real ‘phone.’ She comes with me everywhere, sure, but when it comes to making calls or texting and stuff, I have a Samsung Galaxy for that. Jennifer is usually safe in my pocket when I’m traveling.”

For now Henry and his phone live happily in Fresno, and Henry says that he has no plans on ever getting divorced, not even when the iPhone 7 comes out. “Well, unless it’s better looking than the iPhone 6,” said Henry.