Casualties of Blizzard 2016 Still Being Found Buried In Snow

Posted on January 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

Four days after the record breaking blizzard, cleanup throughout the Northeast is ongoing. Dump trucks unloading on the city island in Pittsburgh have turned up a record-breaking amount of homeless people.

So far 11 have been found in the snow during removal. During the storm, emergency shelters quickly filled to capacity, and workers had to turn many away who were left to fend for themselves in the storm.

City worker Tim McManus explains, “The homeless get confused and disoriented when there is this much snow. Unable to find shelter they may dig out ‘igloos.’ This attempt at taking shelter actually puts them at higher risk. Some do not even hear the plows coming because they have to drink themselves into a stupor to fall asleep on the streets.”

City officials ask residents to please continue to be patient as the snow and homeless removal continues.

New England Man With Agoraphobia Hasn’t Left House In 10 Years, Still Bitching About Snowstorms

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire

You may have heard the term “agoraphobia” and you may even know that it refers to a fear of stepping outside your home. Maybe you learned it from that old Incubus song, or maybe you’re simply not a dumbass. Whatever the case, you’ll have sympathy for this New England man who hasn’t left his house in 10 years. Yes, that’s 10 years.

Daniel Wiley was a well-adjusted 22-year-old when he experienced his first attack of agoraphobia. The year was 2003, and New England was in the midst of a terrible snowstorm.

“That fucking snowstorm ruined my life,” he muses. “I had everything I had ever wanted. A job, a steady girlfriend, a family who loved me. And then one day I had it all taken away. Goddamit, it was cold out. Anyone would’ve done the same.”

The condition progressed to the point that Wiley could not even bear the thought of going out, in case there was another snowstorm.

“I hate when it’s too cold. It’s just plain uncomfortable. I’m not strange, I just don’t like the cold. It makes me shiver.”

Friends and family have urged him to move to Florida or California, where the climate is much warmer and not conducive to snow, but Daniel says he won’t let his condition dictate his life.

“Move? I’m not moving because of a stupid snowstorm. Only a sucker would do that. I looked outside the other day and there was 6 feet of snow on the ground. I almost vomited. But it’s not gonna stop me from living where I want to live and doing the things I want to do. I’ll just wait it out. Snowstorms are just a way of life up here. My way of life, though, happens to be staying the hell away from them. It’s nice and cozy in my house. ”

New England Albino Man Goes Missing During Snowstorm, Police Still Searching

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

An albino New England native, John Logan, has gone missing during a snowstorm in New England. There has been no sightings of the pigmentally challenged individual thus far, yet rescue services are hoping that with the storm settling by late Tuesday, they’ll be able to find signs of his whereabouts.

“It’s strange that we haven’t found him,” said rescue worker Jonah Abrahams. “We’ve usually located missing persons by this time, even in a storm of this calibre. It’s like he just…dissolved.”

Longtime friend of Logan, Burson Brookes, suggested that Logan’s disadvantaged background may be related to his disappearance. According to Brookes, Logan has a physiological defect – that of being left-handed.

“John was never allowed to join the scouts,” he said. “They claimed that he wouldn’t be able to fit in, because he’d have to learn the skills they taught from the inverse side, but we all knew it was down to that prejudice against lefties the scouts are infamous for.”

Logan’s mother also blasted the local Boy Scouts, saying that he’d probably be home safe now were it not for their bigotry against anyone “with the slightest difference.”

“I know they’ve discriminated against boys of color,” the frantic mom stated. “But Johnny was certainly not a boy of color.”

Late afternoon attempts to locate Logan were hampered by another mystery. Numerous sightings were reported of what has been described as a “paranormal,” and “ghostly” phenomenon. Members of the public who had previously volunteered to help search for their fellow citizen were scared and discouraged, lowering Logan’s chances of being found.

“It’s some sort of freak show out there,” one visibly shaken witness said. “I mean, this could be the cause of his disappearance.”

When asked to describe what had left her so scared, she stated that an outfit was out there moving of its own accord, seemingly inhabited by an invisible man. “Either that, or someone with freakishly good camouflage for these conditions.”

Scientists Warn Blizzard Set To Hit Northeast Contains Radioactive Snow

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Abe Abrams

ISLIP, New York –

As if 20 inches of snow wasn’t enough to worry about, scientist at the Brookhaven National Lab warn that this deadly amount of snow will also be highly radioactive. Fallout from the Fukushima nuclear disaster of 2011 has finally reached the Northeast of America, and it’s coming in the form of heavy, wet snow set to cover most of the Eastern United States.

“We have been tracking the radiation since the disaster of the Fukushima meltdown in 2011, and to be honest, it could not have reached the country at a worse time,” said Chief Scientist Michael Baker. “This week’s blizzard, which is expected to dump 20 to 30 inches of snow, blanketing most of New England and New York, will contain dangerous amounts of radiation. I’m urging all residents affected by the storm to remain indoors. The snow will actually be most dangerous while it’s falling, so do not let the snow touch your skin. Do not shovel or let your children play in the snow. Do not let your pets out into the snow. The safest thing you can do is wait until the snow melts into the ground so the radiation can be absorbed by the earth.”

“I’m strongly recommending all residents to stay indoors while the snow is falling, and a New York state-wide curfew will take effect starting at 3pm, and will continue for the duration of the storm,” said New York Governor Mario Cuomo. “During that time, only police, fire services, and other essential personnel will be allowed on the streets. This is nothing to take lightly – this amount of snow, coupled with the severe radiation, is a life or death matter.”

“Radioactive snow? What am I supposed to do?” asked New Hampshire resident Lisa Jones. ”I’ve got 3 large dogs, and it’s going to take weeks for the snow to melt. I can’t have my dogs just popping a squat throughout the house. God, I’ve got to get the hell out of New England. This is a horror show.”