Justin Bieber’s Birthday Would Go Unnoticed by You if Not for This Article

MONTREAL, QUEBEC, Canada –

Justin Bieber’s 21st birthday fell on Sunday the 1st of March, and you would not have known it had you not read this article decrying the cult of celebrity. Why does anyone care about this mediocre singer’s celebrations? we ask, and by doing so have drawn your attention to something about which you neither knew nor cared.

The young troublemaker has been in the spotlight since the tender age of 16 – that’s five years already! – and we constantly question the reason for this, bringing further attention to events and people with no cosmic relevance. You clicked on this article out of interest in something you had not been interested in before, and now you have even more useless trivia to go with your anger at pop culture.

Why are there so many articles about Selena Gomez not being invited to Bieber’s birthday party? This question is especially good if we are aiming to give you gossip about this matter we claim to despise. This was an obvious snub to the star’s ex-girlfriend and is great for our SEO content.

Has the world gone too far in worshiping the likes of Bieber, Gomez, Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift? Are you thinking about those four artist now? Good. Because Miley Cyrus especially is one that you shouldn’t be thinking about. Her rumored affair with Nicki Minaj sets a bad example for children, who know about it because we decided to share it.

What about Taylor Swift? The epitome of sweet, harmless pop stars is apparently into S&M, which is bad for her image and that of young girls around the world, particularly because we bring it up in this chock-full article.

In short, the cult of celebrity is getting out of hand. In this 300+ word article we have spoken about four individuals whose lives should mean nothing to us, and have made you think about their sometimes despicable actions, which should mean nothing to you. Shame on our society for following this modern day religion. Think about it, and remember to check in for our future updates.

LOS ANGELES, California –

After being snubbed for an Oscar nomination for her acclaimed appearance in indie film Cake, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly made the shocking decision to retire from acting. The former Friends star was slated for the award after her performance received terrific reviews, and nominations from every other major voting body in Hollywood.

“I’ve worked hard to finally achieve success as a serious actor,” the distraught 45-year-old said in a statement to the public. “Now that my strongest showing has been disregarded along with the rest of the dross, I no longer have the motivation.”

When asked what she planned on doing with her time, she revealed that she already had a job lined up as a waitress in a New York coffee shop.

“I have a bunch of quirky pals who already hang out there,” she said, with a hint of nostalgia in her voice. “They’re also unsuccessful actors – well, except for a stint in the 90s – but their lives are a mix of fun, jokes, and comedic confusion. That’s exactly where I envision myself finding happiness.”

The Society for Patrons of the Plat (SPoP), the self-appointed organization for the protection of waiter rights, have raised their ire at Aniston’s assumption that she can adequately fulfill the difficult post of a waitress.

“These pompous rich folk think that anyone could be a waitron,” said SPoP spokesperson, Jeremy Hendler, insisting pretentiously on using the politically correct, gender neutral term. “Well Jen is in for an unpleasant surprise. Her pretty little ass will struggle with the tedious work in a coffee shop. And if she thinks she can sit around and speak to her friends all day, she’s not gonna like the consequences.”

The manager of the coffee shop, known simply as Gunther, has however stood up for Aniston, saying that he knows her to be a hard worker.

“She’s been hanging around here for a while,” said the light-blond sad sack. “I can tell that she has all the qualities it takes to succeed in the industry. Customers will love her, even if she is a clumsy, emotional mess with a set of weirdly elitist friends at her beck and call.”

Late this morning, Aniston tweeted a defense of her capabilities in the service industry, stating, “I spent years serving the public with little appreciation. I can deal with shitty customers who are probably just extras failing at being actors anyway.”