Post-Terrorist Attack, Brussels Still Officially #SaferThanATrumpRally

trumprally

BRUSSELS, Belgium – 

Social media has been abuzz the last few weeks with the hashtag #SaferThanATrumpRally, with many folks listing some absurd and dark places that are safer to be than at a Donald Trump rally.

After the attack in Brussels, Belgium, most would assume that they’d rather be anywhere else, but according to social media, even the terrorist-attacked city would be a better place to be than with any view of Donald Trump.

“I’d rather be in Brussels with a shirt with a target on it that says ‘fuck you, Muslim scum’ than ever set foot at a Trump rally,” said New York resident Joel Miller. “I was downtown during 9/11. Scariest time of my life. I’d rather live that all over again, too, than ever be at a Trump rally. The man, and his minions, are mindless, soulless villains.”

As with all tragedies, everyone is standing with Brussels, and an onslaught of support has appeared from all corners of the globe, with many users on social media changing their pictures to a photo of the flag of Belgium in solidarity.

“Donald Trump is a nightmare. I’ve seen people get punched in the face while simply standing still, peacefully, at one of his rallys,” said Maryanne Lewis of Detroit, Michigan. “I’d sooner throw beer and ham at a Muslim holding an AK-47 with TNT strapped to his ass than be at a Trump rally. These are terrifying times, both in the US and abroad.”

Donald Trump Tweets Nude Pic To Prove He’s Well Hung

trumpupdated

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The media has been in a frenzy the last week after Donald Trump mentioned that there were “no problems” with the size of his penis during the recent Republican debates. Although most people were in shock that such crude and asinine comments were made during a presidential race, a huge chunk of the internet started asking for Trump to prove it, using the social media hashtag #TrumpShowUsYourPenis.

The Donald, not one to back down from a challenge, accepted the outcries of the young people of social media, and today he tweeted a fully nude selfie showing how big he really is.

“You asked for it America, and here it is,” said Trump’s tweet. “I wasn’t lying about the size of my penis, and I’m not lying about making this country great again. #dickpic.” Also included was a link to the image, which is obviously NSFW.

The tweet went viral immediately, as did the picture attached. Most people were in shock when they saw how big he actually was, and still others say that they’re actually going to vote for him now.

“Before this picture and tweet, I thought he was a buffoon,” said Joelle Clarke of Lansing, Michigan. “Now that he actually had the balls – literally – to tweet a picture of his package, I believe that he has the balls to get things done in the White House, too.”

Senator Bernie Sanders, when asked about the picture, said he “hadn’t seen it,” and “had no interest in doing so.” Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton said that she had set it as her cell phone’s wallpaper, and was currently discussing with her campaign manager whether it would be a good idea to tweet a picture of her own big, ugly penis.

13-Year-Old Being Cyberbullied Shuts Down Computer, Goes Outside To Play

Teenager using smartphone in basketball court.

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Bobby Jennings is your average, 13-year-old teen. He enjoys hanging out with friends, going to the movies, posting on Facebook, and has a blog on Tumblr. But 2 months ago, things for Bobby changed drastically.

“I posted a funny picture of my on my Tumblr, and I immediately had a bunch of people calling me ugly, telling me I should kill myself. The hashtagged me as #yousofat, things like that,” said Bobby. “For a minute, I was upset. It got really bad, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“He was devastated that kids were making fun of him, and I didn’t know how to help him,” said Bobby’s mother, Joanne Jennings. “In my day, kids bullied you in the real world, not over the internet. Those were hard times.”

“When my mom told me she used to be bullied, and that she would come home crying every day, it made me sad,” said Bobby. “So It was then that I realized, though, that times for her were different. She was poor growing up, and she couldn’t always afford to do laundry. Sometimes the water was shut off, and she couldn’t shower. She told me all that years ago. But we’re not poor. We have a nice house. I have friends in real life. So it came to me what I should do, and I shut off the computer.”

Bobby says that ever since he shut off the computer, things have been so much better.

“I went outside to play and ride bikes with my friends. We built a tree house. It’s pretty awesome, honestly,” said Bobby. “I’ve felt so much better ever since I got off the internet. I think more kids who are being bullied online should do what I did and, you know, get offline. It’s pretty easy.”

Pope Declares Series Of New, Damnable Sins

Pope Francis Visits Sardinia

ROME, Italy –

A “sin of the week” will soon be posted on the Pope’s social media accounts, causing those of the Catholic faith to have to keep up-to-date on what may send them to Hell. Upcoming sins will include voting for liberals, neglecting houseplants, and inconsiderate parking. Plans are also in the works to finally do something about ‘deviled eggs’ and high-carbon emissions, which are leading to the apocalypse.

High ranking and outspoken Cardinal Steve Jalsevec says he does not know what is going on in the Vatican, but something is terribly amiss. “I knew he was crazy when he started talking about how evolution was part of God’s plan. This finally proves it. I don’t know how his advisors are letting this happen.”

The Pope’s advisors are reported to be “having fun for once in their lives.” Publicly, the Vatican has said this is serious business.

“God has told Pope Francis his will be numbered on this planet. Before he is called Home to His Heavenly Kingdom, there is some business he must attend to. The Sin-A-Week plan will ensure he has time to take care of all the issues that are important to him.”

Zuckerberg: ‘Dislike’ Button Will Not Be Enabled On Posts By Companies That Buy Ads On Facebook

dislike button

CUPERTINO, California – 

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, announced recently that the company would finally release a ‘dislike’ button on the giant social media platform, which they hoped would allow for a sort of “empathy” option for people to choose on statuses that might not quite be appropriate to ‘like.’

One of the biggest concerns from major companies, who spend millions of dollars advertising on Facebook, was that too many people might just randomly click ‘dislike’ on their posts, hurting their reputation. Zuckerberg announced today that, for those companies who spend “substantial money” on ads, they would no longer have to worry.

“If you are a huge business that works with us, we certainly don’t want to let you down with our new ‘dislike’ option,” said Zuckerberg. “So, we have come up with a solution. Any company who spends more than $1 million with us each calendar year will not have the dislike option on their sponsored posts, thus making sure that the only option is to ‘like’ the posts or ads.”

Zuckerberg continued, saying that any company who spent more than $5 million on ads and sponsored posts each year would automatically get a like each time someone scrolled by.

“If you are a major company, and you spend major money with us, we want to keep you happy,” said Zuckerberg. “When a user scrolls by your ad or post, it will automatically register as a ‘like’ from that user, just because they saw it. We are also working on ways to make negative-based comments disappear when left on posts by large companies. A happy big business is a spend-happy big business. We need this, because no one wants to end up like MySpace or Google+.”

CEO Zuckerberg says that keeping big business happy is the only way to see a long-term survival by the social media giant.

New ‘Google Companion’ Nanochip Tracks Your Baby’s Life, Auto-Posts To Social Media Pages

New 'Google Companion' Nanochip Tracks Your Baby’s Life

GOOGLE, United States – 

Google’s revolutionary advertising platform just made another landmark in advertising history: their newest innovation, called Google Companion.

Google Companion is a nanochip that tracks emotions, memories, new experiences, conversations, and much more. All the information is transmitted to Google and used to personalize your web experience. It is typically injected into newborns, but can be planted in adults, too.

Companion also teamed up with Facebook to seamlessly integrate with your smart phone. The chip, which is 4GLTE compatible, will automatically fill your status update with some relevant information when you open Facebook: your location, what you just did, any recent food or beverages consumed, how you are feeling, and even some basic information about your love life.

“Privacy is a thing of the past,” said Google’s CEO. “We live in an age where that’s really more of a hindrance. The government already spies on all of us, and people overshare as it is – we’re just here to take the stigma away and make use of society’s latest evolution.”

Some early studies of the chip’s capabilities have had stunning results. One impressed mother recounted her latest story for Empire News.

“I brought my little girl to the pediatrician a few days ago, and while the doctor was looking at her I checked my phone. An ad popped up for calamine lotion before the doctor even told me she had chicken pox!”

The United States government provided Google with some additional funding in exchange for access to their database. Officials say this will cut down on crime, cost and abundance of court trials, and provide next-generation national security. When asked about this potentially controversial decision, Google’s CEO responded:

“Like I said earlier, it’s already happening. We’re just making it easier and less shocking. This also gives people control over it when they previously had none. Well, kind of. I mean, not really, but we get to publish more pretty infographics!”

New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

CAMDEN, New Jersey – empire-news-camden-teenager-hospitalized-for-facebook-withdrawals-social-media-shakes

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.

 

Hackers Attack Social Media Website Google+

Hackers Attack Social Media Website Google+

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California – 

Google+ was recently attacked by a group of hackers who call themselves The GorillaGods, and the site was reportedly down for almost a week. The case is being investigated by internal Google programmers and federal authorities, but reportedly is not considered a “high priority.”

After 7 days one user, Billy Johnson, eventually noticed Google+ was missing. “I logged into my Gmail account, as I normally do every day, but after checking emails, I needed to take a look at Google Maps, so I clicked on the Apps. I accidentally chose Google+ instead of maps, though, and was taken to an empty website with random graffiti-style tags all over it,” said Johnson. “Normally I wouldn’t have bothered doing anything about it, but I couldn’t get back to my emails, nor move forward to the maps. That’s why I informed the Google people. I’d never used Google+ before. Shit, I didn’t even know it existed.”

Programmers from Google brought the website back very quickly after Johnson informed them of the attack. Reportedly, a few clicks were enough to bring the site back.

“As it turned out, the hackers didn’t get deeply into the structure of Google+; Our programmers suspect their aim was attacking another website, but they shut down Google+ by a mistake,” said Google spokesperson Amanda Fuller. “We didn’t even notice ourselves, to be honest. I know I didn’t. I mean, I have a G+ account, but it’s not really useful, since I have Facebook.”

“We still don’t know who attacked Google+,” says Patrick Murphy, one of the federal agents assigned to the investigation. “The main theory claims it was Google that staged the hack in order to make a fuss and gain some popularity, because no one even remembers that Google+ is even a thing. Clearly, if it wasn’t Google, then someone attacked them by accident, because no self-respecting hacker group would bother with such a waste of a website.”

The website is back up and fully-functioning, although at the time of this writing, it still appeared very desolate and unused.

Facebook Plans to Impose Character Limit on Posts, Messages

Facebook Plans to Impose Character Limit on Posts, Messages

 

MENLO PARK, California – 

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg spoke Tuesday at a press conference about the future of his brainchild social networking giant. Zuckerberg’s ideas came as a great shock to the audience of reporters, who were expecting a minimal change like switching the dull and in-need-of-replacement color scheme. Instead, it was announced that as of August 1st, 2015, all new Facebook posts will be under a restrictive 175 character limit.

The current limit is a mere 63,206 characters per post, which allows for users to write anything from a brief status to an excessively long piece of dry literature. Facebook had received many complaints recently about unnecessarily long posts that slowed down the social networking experience and annoyed multiple users.

Another reason behind the upcoming change is Zuckerberg’s concern with the welfare of many of Facebook’s teen users.

“With the new character restriction in place, we hope to preserve young lives that shouldn’t be destroyed simply because Janie said something about Sallie’s ex,” Zuckerberg remarked. “A large percentage of dangerous and life-threatening teen drama gets started and is antagonized on Facebook. With the character restriction, hate posts and threat posts can be diminished in their size and severity. 175 characters is more than enough to get your point across, while still being better than Twitter’s 140. We always want to be better than Twitter.”

As for Messenger, Zuckerberg also has a plan. “Before 2016, I plan on imposing a similar or equal restriction for Messenger, as well as a screening of all messages sent through Messenger with hopes of preventing tragedies caused by teen drama.”

Zuckerberg plans to receive much harsh criticism around his restrictive decision, but sees that the change will be worthwhile without being much of a detriment to his finances. “I’m already the 11th richest bastard in America. Why would I even blink if I lost a billion dollars?”

Lisa Evans, a reporter at the press conference, gave her two cents about the issue in her own lengthy Facebook post. “All our freedoms are being taken away. Even Facebook is restricting our freedoms of speech and expression. Sure, it will save some lives and speed things up a bit, but Facebook’s members may not be willing to make this change,” Evans said.

Recent Study Suggests Over 85% Of Social Media Users Can’t Correctly Solve Simple Math Equation

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – Recent Study Suggests Over 85 Of Social Media Users Can't Correctly Solve Simple Math Equation

In an experiment conducted by the Department of Mathematics at the University of Pittsburgh, after releasing a simple math equation via social media, research suggests that eighty-five percent of users cannot correctly answer the mathematical equation, (2 x 2 + 2 – 2 x 2 – 2), without using a calculator, internet search engine, or asking a friend.

Professor of Mathematics at the University of Pittsburgh, Dr. Geraldine Williamson, led the mathematical social experiment, and says she was shocked that the general consensus of Americans could not answer the simple math problem.

“It is quite alarming, I must say. More than fifty-percent of people could not answer it correctly whether they used a calculator or not,” Williamson said in a published interview with education journalist Paul Frazier in the Pittsburgh Gazette. “It only says one thing about schools in the United States – they are not getting the job done. If there is really that many mathematically challenged people running around, then our economy is doomed to failure.”

Even more alarming, and to the ultimate dismay of Williamson, as the research on the social reaction of the math equation began, several of her students began to argue over their conflicting answers. “I was appalled,” Williamson said. “Out of seventy-five students, more than twenty of them came up with the wrong answer and proceeded to argue that they were correct. It was terrifying! I feared I would have an aneurysm.”

The correct answer, while obvious to some, was not given by Dr. Williamson, as she said she feared simply ‘providing the answer’ would create more ignorance and stupidity among the already ‘math dull.’

“I encourage people to simply work it out for themselves,” said Williamson. “My god, it’s just math, it’s not rocket science.”

Think you know the answer? Let us know in the comments below!

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