Sleep Deprivation Diet Helps You Lose Weight By Staying Up For Days

COMPTON, California –

One of the newest crazes in America and the weight loss industry is the Sleep Deprivation diet, which consists of staying up for days on end, with no food, in order to starve the fat out of your body. All of the people who have tried it say that the diet works immensely well, and that staying up for long periods of time is easy with chemical help.

“I’ve been up for 4 days straight, and I’ve already lost 9 pounds,” said Jamica Jackson of South Central, California. “The first day or so, it was hard keeping my eyes open, so I just started smoking tons of meth, and that keeps me wide the fuck awake, not gonna lie.”

Most of the people on the Sleep Deprivation diet are also hardcore drug addicts, who stay awake by snorting cocaine, smoking meth, or taking copious amounts of speed.

“Oh shit, yeah. I get so much work done, and I don’t eat shit when I’m on speed,” said Peter Berg, of West Memphis, Tennessee. “I was up for 6 straight days last week. Lost 31 pounds. This diet is amazing.”

The diet was created by a former addict, Mario Lorne, who says he started preaching about the diet after he lost 22 pounds on a week-long binge.

“I smoked enough meth to kill a tenured prostitute, and then I did more lines than a bad stand-up comedian,” said Lorne. “That was a year ago. I was up for 8 straight days before I crashed out. Didn’t want to eat a thing while I was high on crank and shit, and I lost a ton of weight. I realized that was the best thing going, and I started spreading the word.”

Lorne has said that several major publishers have approached him about writing a self-help book about weight loss, and that he is expecting the trend to become much larger nationwide as time goes on and more people hear about the Sleep Deprivation diet.

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to be a speed demon behind the wheel, you are going to love the new speed limit being enforced all across the United States. If you happen to like to drive a bit slower when in your car, you may want to consider public transportation.

As of September 1st, all major and highways will be raising the speed limits to 120 miles per hour. The decision was made in hopes to remove traffic clutter and provide a safer drive for families all over the nation. Highway patrol officials feel this is the best decision for travelers, and feel the new speed behind the steering wheel will give drivers more confidence and less driving time.

Fines will be given out to those who choose to stick with the standard 65 or 70 mph, and drivers are urged to begin being cautious of slower, “older” drivers who can’t get the hell out of their own way.

“Once people get used to the new speed limit, I feel that accident rates should drop dramatically,” said veteran highway patrolman Rick Myers. “I see so many accidents on the highways by people going 45, 50mph, and getting in other people’s way. This way, everyone will be going so fast, there won’t be time for accidents.”

The speed limit will only be dropped down to a solid 80 MPH during major snowfalls, or other conditions that may cause the roads to be hazardous.