CARSON CITY, Kansas –
Mark Jameson, 38, says that he is suing Sonic Drive-In Restaurants after they gave him a frozen drink with a lid that was not attached properly, causing him to spill the frigid beverage all over his crotch.
“I got shrinkage like you wouldn’t imagine, because the drink was so cold,” said Jameson, a computer technician. “Not only was my junk frostbitten, but I couldn’t get an erection for several days. My girlfriend was extremely dissatisfied.”
Jameson says that he has been frequenting Sonic restaurants for years, and that even though they have always had sub-par food, their drinks are okay.
“This one time I go through, and it ruins my week,” said Jameson. “Clearly there’s some compensation that needs to happen, here. My lawyer says I have a hell of a case.”
FLINT, Michigan –
According to the EPA, an accidental spill of over 20 million gallons of fresh, clean, filtered drinking water was spilled into the Flint, Michigan river, where the town’s horrendous drinking water comes from.
Thousands of citizens rushed to their kitchen faucets, and were extremely pleased to find that a lot of the yellow and brown color was fading away, and that almost all of the smell was removed from the water.
“It’s a miracle, really. A true miracle that this happened,” said Flint resident Michael Moore. “Normally I go to my tap, and I mostly get piss-colored swill water, but now it’s almost clean! You pray and pray for accidents like this to happen, and then my God, dreams come true.”
According to the Flint chapter of the EPA, a railroad car filled with over 20 million gallons of water derailed last week, spilling into the town’s drinking supply.