Democrats Form League of Legends Pro Team to Gain Gamer Election Support

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Democratic Party has made a move that no one anticipated, to secure votes from a substantial population. Hot on the heels of a new season for the game League of Legends comes Team Pro Democrat, or TPD for short.

The team will be led by possible Presidential Candidate, and Former U.S. Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. President Obama has shown interest in taking over the team when his presidency ends, stating “it would be great to stay in the game after 2016.” The team, backed by taxpayer dollars, has also hired several pro gaming trainers from Korean to help TPD climb from bronze ranking to the world champions.

“By competing and doing well, we’re hoping to gain the respect of fellow gamers,” Clinton said.

Experts say dedicated gamers generally don’t vote at all, since they are “too busy grinding away at their MMO of choice to bother keeping up on the debates, or even registering to vote for that matter.” By winning the support and respect of a few highly influential members of the gaming community, a very wide audience will be reached.

Republican congress members seem to have begun following suit, building a roster of team members to counteract this newfound avenue of campaigning. Marc Merill, president of Riot Games – the company behind League of Legends – said that he sees a “new era on the horizon” for eSports, and fully expects all government disputes to be settled on the Fields of Justice.

In the mean time, President Obama has officially declared League of Legends as America’s National MMO.

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

DENVER, Colorado –

A true NFL legend has reported hat he will be calling it quits with his football career. Peyton Manning, the long standing all-star quarterback, has announced he will retire, effective immediately. The star player says he would like to thank everyone who has helped him in his journey.

“I stayed in it for a few more years than I wanted, trying to finish my season with a Super Bowl win, but I realized that I may not have the ability to do that,” said Manning. “I want to go out with some pride. I would love another ring but these young guys are getting better and better, and I just can’t keep up. I’m not Tom Brady, after all.”

The team appears to be supporting Manning on his decision, and the official announcement is that they ‘appreciate the time’ they got to spend with him. Coaches of the team say they are upset with the loss of their quarterback, but tell us they have faith in their team and will find a way to win.

“I’ve had a great career with great people, I won a Super Bowl, broke records, and even got to make pizzas. Not every QB can say the same thing, and I’m grateful to say that I have,” said Manning.

The Denver Broncos have not announced who will be replacing Manning, but sources confirmed that Tim Tebow was called in for a meeting with the organization.

“I cannot confirm or deny the reports that we have met with the Tim Tebow,” said Denver Broncos spokesman Gerald Dyster. “Peyton Manning has announced he would be leaving the team, but that’s all we know right now. He’ll be missed, no doubt, by any true fan of the game. Thankfully, though, we’ve all still got Tom Brady to watch year after year.”

MLB Announces Designated Hitter Position To Be Abolished In All Leagues

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK, New York-

Officials for the Major League Baseball Organization have confirmed a huge rule change that will impact the game of professional baseball indefinitely. A new rule will make it impossible for any team to use a designated hitter in their lineup beginning this season.

The decision was made after commissioner Robert D. Manfred Jr felt it unfair for a player to only hit, and felt that each player should hold more then one role in baseball.

“It was a tough call, but my team has backed me and agreed that this ban will make the game a lot more exciting,” said Manfred. “The salaries some of these guys get to just go up and bat is crazy. Granted they are helping their teams, but we want to implement a game that makes players depend more on their stamina and inner power. We don’t want our players to think at some point in their career they can get lazy and just sit on the bench and hit a ball every once in a while.”

Each team has until spring training to update their lineup, and any DH player that they have must be listed into a defensive position.

“The National League doesn’t have a DH position, so why does the American League need one? Pitchers will just start having to learn to bat. If they can’t sucks for them. If anyone has a problem with the new ban of the DH position, they can go find a new game to play,” said Manfred. “I don’t know how many jobs there are that require people to hit balls and catch them, but I feel that the rule will be taken hold by the teams just fine.”

Kevin Durant Accused of Being Illuminati By Teammates

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma –

After a grueling loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers earlier in the week, the topic of conversation in the locker room of the Oklahoma City Thunder should be on the game. Instead, the only thing anyone is talking about is the high possibility of player Kevin Durant’s involvement with the Illuminati.

“There is definitely something up with that kid,” said head coach of the Thunder, Scott Brooks. “He used to be so incredibly nice. He was the most polite person ever. Once the Illuminati got their claws into him, though, things have turned around drastically. Kevin has the second most technical fouls in the league right now. I just don’t know what to do with him.”

The Illuminati was a secret society started in the late 1700s. At that point, it was designed to thwart government power and prejudices. Over time, though, the group changed, and they became less about stopping the powers-that-be from running the country and its people, and moved to become the group that ran the world.

“He’s making money. He’s not spending it. We haven’t seen him buy anything extravagant. He lives the life of a pauper outside of the stadium, and it’s frightening,” said a member of the team, speaking on the guise of anonymity. “The rest of us guys, we go out and blow money on whatever we want. I’ve got 16 cars in my garage. I’ve got mountains of girls in my bed. I’ve got it all, baby. Durant…man, Kevin…his money…He must be giving it all to those Illuminati peoples.”

Reportedly, Durant has been ostracized during pre-game warm ups and after game drills.

“They won’t help me out. They won’t pass me the ball in games. I can’t even get any of the guys to talk to me anymore. They think I’m some kind of freak,” said Durant, clearly frustrated with his team’s actions towards him. “I can honestly say that I am not in the Illuminati. I don’t even know who they are or what they’re about. Man, I’m 26 years old and I play pro ball. How much do you really think I know about the world? I only heard of the Illuminati the same way everyone else did – watching them movies with Tom Hanks.”

“Well of course he said he’s not Illuminati,” said Brooks, when told about what Durant said. “Did you really think he was going to admit it? All I’m saying is…there are signs.”

Durant could not be reached for further comment. A spokesperson for the NBA, who wishes to remain anonymous, did say that the NBA has their suspicions, but are not currently taking any action at this time.

Canadian Football League Announces Field Color, Length Changes

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Empire News

MONTREAL, Canada –

Football fans watching the Canadian Football League games starting in the 2016 season will see a few changes related to the field of play.

CFL officials are citing these changes as “improvements to the game,” and will start with a complete alteration to the size of the playing field – They will be introducing the world’s first and only metric football field. The customary 110-yard long field will change to 110-meters, which is actually just slightly over 120 yards, forcing the players to run the extra distance to score a touchdown.

Other alterations coming to the CFL include a change in the color of the grass from green to magenta, with the lines and markings on the field changing from white to brown. League officials claim the color changes will make the game easier to follow on live television, and will not interfere with various forms of color blindness.

“What a crock of shit these changes are,” said Roger Eh, a former player for the Toronto Toughs. “The changes have nothing to do with the fans. The league has been pissed off at players filing grievances during the off-season regarding the distance they run in an average game.”

CFL officials say that they will stick by their plan to make the game more fun for fans with vision problems, and explained it in a news release with the statement. “The Canadian Institute for the Blind has endorsed these enhancements, and fully support the CFL in leading the way in addressing these issues.”

Former Montreal Muffdivers running back Michael “Frenchy” Gravee agrees with the CFL union, saying the white-on-green combination has always been the recognized standard in the world of football.

“These horrible colors the league is trying to use do nothing more than ‘gay up’ the game. As for these distance changes, clearly the CFL does not want any more records set or broken,” Gravee said, as he currently holds a number of those distance records. “It is a sad day for football when you have to try to figure out where your 30-meter line is, and why the players are on their fourth down with centimeters to go. Who the hell knows anything about centimeters?”

There has not been a statement made by the union representing the CFL officials, although Gravee speculates that “The only blind ones on the field are the officials, and colors aren’t going to fix that.”

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig: ’We Will No Longer Test For Performance Enhancing Drugs’

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

According to Commissioner Bud Selig, Major League Baseball will no longer be testing for steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Steroids, Human Growth Hormones (HGH), and other performance boosters will technically remain on the books as being against the rules, but Seilg says the league will move more towards what he calls an “honor system.”

“It’s a losing fight, really. Truth is, over 75% of players were testing positive each year,” stated Selig.”These drugs cause a wide range of health issues and shorten life spans. If athletes want to ruin their bodies for our entertainment, I say why not – God knows we’re paying them enough, they should put their bodies on the line for the sport.”

“Baseball needs all the help it can get,” said Boston Red Sox fan Joe Ruth. “People want to see home runs not line drives. It’s not enough to be good anymore, athletes need an edge. The players putting their lives at the most risk deserve the biggest paychecks. Putting an end to testing will put an end to players lying about it, too, so I definitely feel this is the right move.”

“I never used steroids, so I don’t think this is fair,” says former player Barry Bonds. “Players need to play and bleed and break records based on their God-given talent, like I did. If you give it time, the magic will happen, just like it did for me. I started bulking up, my hat size grew, I swear it was all natural. If it happened to me, it can happen for anyone.”

“Bonds is an idiot. If players want to kill themselves for my enjoyment, I’m all for it,” said Yankees fan Carmine Classi. ”If I gotta take drugs to be able to watch a game of baseball, they should have to take drugs to play it.”

Professional Boxing Bans Punches To Face, Head; Commission To Allow Body Punches Only

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

The Association of Boxing Commissions have made what many are calling a ‘giant leap forward’ for their sport, announcing today that they are implementing new rules that seeking to make boxing ‘more civilized.’ Stressing concussions and boxer safety as the main reason, punches to the head and face will no longer be allowed in professional boxing. Strikes to the face will also be banned in boxing gyms and amateur training facilities.

“Too many boxers are suffering in retirement because of years of concussions and blows to the face,” said Commissioner Marvin ’Marvelous’ Mayberry. “That is not what boxing should be about. Boxing is not about violence; boxing is a dance, it’s an art form. Boxing is two men dancing, hugging, learning each others moves and all that can be accomplished during the match. All these same aspects can be displayed even better if we just focus on punches to the body.”

“Truth is, the gyms are empty, no one wants to box anymore, all the real men are moving to MMA,” said Louie ‘Lefty’ Lavine, a former professional boxer who retired in 1993, and is now a boxing trainer. ”With all the real, tough guys doing MMA, boxing really doesn’t have anyone left who isn’t a Mama’s boy. I can’t say I agree with the new policy, though, of no punches to the face. As it is, I already see too many MMA fighters wearing ‘Boxing Is For Pussies’ T- Shirts.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea! My husband and I have been looking for a new cardio workout for a while, but who wants to punch your lover in the face?” said Ron Feelmore, a sports enthusiast in San Fransisco. ”I mean, who doesn’t enjoy jumping rope, silk shorts, and gorgeous robes? The only thing that was stopping us from taking up boxing before was our perfect teeth and hair, but with no punches above the neck, now it’s a perfect sport. All the fellows at the YMCA want to give it a try now. I tell you, it’s going to be fabulous!”

Cowboys RB DeMarco Murray Has Hand Amputated During Surgery To Repair Broken Finger

Posted on December 19, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Just a few short days ago on December 17th, DeMarco Murray entered a Dallas hospital to have a routine surgery on his ring finger, which was broken during a winning game against the Philadelphia Eagles in week 15. What should have been an easy fix that had Murray back on the field, possibly within days, has become a the player’s worst nightmare, and has left him incapable of ever playing again.

According to reports from Sports News Nightly, Murray’s surgeons accidentally mixed up his charts with that of another patient at the hospital, and when Murray was brought into the operating room, doctors amputated his entire right hand.

“This is extremely, extremely tragic,” said the Dean of Medicine for Dallas Memorial Hospital, Mark Houston. “DeMarco Murray was admitted to our hospital for a routine surgery that would set and fix his broken finger. Unfortunately, during admittance, his medical charts were mixed with those of another gentleman, who was also admitted at that time, and was having his hand amputated. We are truly, truly sorry for the mix-up. That is all I can say at this point, pending possible legal issues.”

Dallas spokesman Greg Turf said that Murray and the team were completely heartbroken.

“You know, it’s all just part of life’s plan, I guess,” said Murray, with a smile. “How can you really be mad? So I’ll never play again. So I’ll never go long for a pass again. What can you do, you know? Sure, I could take the hospital for everything they’re worth, but it’s only money, right? It’s all just another step towards the inevitable, anyway.” Doctors say that Murray is on extreme amounts of morphine, and that the drug often times creates a feeling of euphoria.

In a bizarre twist, the patient who was scheduled to have the amputation had his finger worked on by surgeons, and a blood clot that had been causing extreme pain in his hand – and, in fact, was the reason for the original need for the amputation – was cured completely.

NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

Posted on December 14, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

A huge announcement was made this morning by Adam Silver, president of the National Basketball Association, and it means things as we know it in the world of sports will definitely be changing. According to Silver, as soon as next year, the NBA and WNBA will be merged into one league, tentatively called the CENBA, or the Co-Ed National Basketball Association.

The combined league idea came about after decades of the WNBA pulling in terrible viewership numbers, and investors in the league say they thought it was time to move away from the all-female basketball teams, and see if the professional ladies could take on the professional men.

As it turns out, the ladies certainly can hold their own. In several private scrimmage matches held during off-days, a few female pros made some NBA stars look like rookies.

“My team is struggling badly, as are all WNBA teams, and this can be a huge change for teams all over the league,” said Tom O’Neil, owner of the WNBA team the Houston Hairylegs. “So many NBA teams have tons of overpaid all-stars on their team, because the NBA has all the money. I see a lot of talent in these WNBA players, and combining leagues, the women can finally make the money they deserve, which is about 60 cents on every dollar that the men make.”

“I formed a committee of owners, and told them the pros of this merger. Several months ago, we came to this decision, and have been waiting for the perfect time to announce it,” said Doug Reemer, owner of WNBA team the Pittsburgh Pussies. “And finally, after a few months, we made the deal with the NBA. With so many new players coming in, a lot of people will be cut, but I’m telling you – these ladies have a lot of balls going up against the men of the NBA. I really, really envy their balls.”

The CENBA is set to be launched by the 2015 basketball season, and insider reports already are talking numbers and money. Most sports professionals say that a merger could bring in almost double the revenue that the NBA brought in during the 2014 season. That would be equivalent to approximately 36 times the revenue brought in by the WNBA over the last 5 seasons.

NFL Admits Games, Off-Field Drama Are All Pre-Determined, Scripted Events

Posted on November 23, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

This season of NFL has not disappointed its fans, either on or off the field. There has been some incredible games played, and some very incredible drama following the franchise and players, but they have still been pulling in viewership numbers like never before.

It is because of the incredible ratings that they have been getting that it has finally been confirmed by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell that the reason why things have been so ‘dramatic’ lately, and the truth may be devastating to most football fans.

Goodell reveled in a press conference Saturday evening that the NFL has been lying to fans for years, as they have been secretly setting up all the games, creating off-field and media drama amongst players, and even going so far as to creating the illusion of long-term injuries for certain players.

“When we say that our athletes are playing the game, what we really mean is that they are playing our game,” said Goodell. “We’ve been manipulating everything. The games are pre-determined, and the players and coaches aren’t really calling the shots. Just like professional wrestling, we’re putting on a show, and for years, people have been tuning in to see what we’ll do next. Which team will win? Which player will beat down another? Which player will beat down his wife? It’s all about the ratings, and the stories created by our team of skilled writers.”

Goodell went on to also talk more about players and their personal lives, and how even getting certain people to agree to take legal heat outside the game in an effort to bring in more viewers.

“Now, I’m not saying that every little thing is a work. Michael Vick is certainly guilty of the dog fighting thing, but we do set up a lot of behind-the-scenes antics to keep people on the edge of their seats. There are bonuses structured for players who create a name for themselves in the media, whether it be good or bad. It doesn’t matter. In the end, they’ll get people watching.”

When asked why they were admitting only now, decades after the league began, that the games and media frenzy were all shams, Goodell said that he just felt the time was right.

“We’re hotter than we’ve ever been, and it just seems at this point it doesn’t matter what we do. Abuse allegations, cheating scandals, long-term and life-altering head injuries – it doesn’t matter. People still sit down with a bag of chips and a rack of beer every week, and watch our guys go to work. It doesn’t matter if the public knows we’re lying or not – they just want to be entertained.”