Japanese ‘Crap Steak’ Approved For Use in United States By FDA

TOYKO, Japan –

Japan, much like the rest of the world, has long had a problem with overcrowding in major cities. And with overcrowding comes a horrible issue with waste – but not just garbage, human waste as well. Several years ago, in a lab in Japan, several scientists were able to work to put that waste to good use by creating edible steak and meats out of human feces.

“We took the best parts of human waste, which is to say, the fibers and nutrients, and we formulated those to create a new, totally safe, edible product,” said Dr. Buru Tawagoto. “Japanese people have been eating it for several years, and it has made waste go down and nutritional values go up throughout the country.

Just this week, the United States FDA cleared the Japanese “shit steak” for use in both the private and public sectors of the food market. Starting at the end of the year, people will be able to buy this same product in grocery stores, and order it in restaurants.

“We waited quite some time to come to this decision, basically watching, waiting, and checking to see how the project went in Japan,” said FDA spokesman Mario Carson. “In the end, we felt that there was nothing stopping us from clearing it for use. It is healthy, and there have been no noticeable side-effects. We think it tastes like shit, but hey, that’s not the issue at hand, here.”

MOBILE, Alabama –

A Mobile man, Joel Randolph, 51, was taken into custody after he admitted to police officers that he had murdered his wife of 11 years, Janet Randolph, 38. According to police reports, Randolph murdered his wife after he arrived home from work and found that she had burned his steak dinner.

“For years, my lovely cooked the meat perfectly. Oh, how lovely cooked the meat,” said Randolph. “I came home from work, and I could even smell it far away. I walk in the door, and she had burned the steak. Burned that bastard to a crisp. It was disgusting. I work hard for the money that purchased the meat, and I’m sorry, but it’s unforgivable.”

Police chief Carl Moore said that Randolph was being arraigned later this week, and if convicted, could face life in prison.

“I wish this was still the good ol’ days, when only men served on the jury,” said Randolph. “I’d never be convicted it it were men. They know how to keep a good wife in line, and if she burns the meat, she deserves whatever is coming to her.”

Randolph says that although he regrets admitting to the crime, he does not regret that it happened.

“She tried to apologize, too. ‘Hope you got strong teeth today, Joel,’ is what she said. ‘I’m sorry, I burned the steak!’ Well bitch, I have strong teeth, but I got a stronger backhand, apparently. We used to have no strife in our relationship – she was a lovely, lovely wife. What a shame to have it end like this.”