Pope Francis Caught On Security Camera Stealing Food Placed Out For Homeless

Ad

pope

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”

According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.

“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”

Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”

Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.

House Cat Wanted By Police After Robbing Massachusetts Liquor Store

cat

LYNN, Massachusetts –

A white and black house cat and his owners are wanted in connection with a robbery of Loomos Bros. Liquor on Boston Street in Lynn. The cat was strapped with what appeared to be explosives, a GoPro camera, and a fanny pack.

Learn more about RevenueStripe...

The cat was also equipped with a microphone. “The cat wandered in, and at first I thought it was cute,” said store owner Joe Lewis. ” Then I heard a voice saying the pussy was armed, and to put the money from the register in the fanny pack.”

In the 911 recording, the operator at first informs the owner of the penalties for abusing 911, but reluctantly dispatches police. Investigators say the owner’s story has been backed up by store surveillance videos.

Edward Rogers, lead investigator, says, “We expect the perpetrators are local. Someone had to know someone was training a cat in this neighborhood, and there will be a leak. I have no doubts.”

Police say the cat is a black and white tabby, with spots on his back. He was last seen wearing a green fanny pack. People in the area of Boston Street who have seen the cat are encouraged to contact police.

Customer Service Representative Memorizes Credit Card Numbers, Uses Them To Order Pizza

rep

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A customer service representative for a telecommunications company has been arrested and charged with fraud after it was found that he was memorizing customer credit card numbers, and using the numbers to have food and other items delivered to his home.

Kevin Brenden, 29, has been taken into police custody and charged with fraud, felony burglary, and identity theft. According to police, Brenden – who worked in a call center for one of the nation’s largest cell phone companies – was able to memorize credit card numbers for use at a later date.

“I worked in a ‘paper free’ zone, which meant there was no way for me to write anything down,” said Brenden. “The company thought this would help to alleviate and chance of theft. Honestly, I only stole the numbers to prove that their system was stupid. Paper or not, people can get the card numbers. It’s just a matter of wanting to.”

Brenden says that he had been taking credit card numbers for almost 2 years before he was caught, when he made several major purchases for Christmas.

“I usually just bought a pizza or something, had it delivered. Small things,” said Brenden. “I was really short on cash for Christmas though, and I made the mistake of ordering some things from Amazon that were a little pricey. No one really noticed an extra 10 or 20 bucks on their card when I’m ordering food. They definitely notice an extra $200 when it’s for a new Apple TV.”

Police say that Brenden has been fully cooperating with their investigation. Per request from the company, they are not releasing the name of the organization that Brenden worked for.

Woman Arrested Trying To Smuggle Turkey Out of Kroger’s In Her Vagina

kroger

Shaquita Jones, 30, was arrested late Friday evening after attempting to steal a Thanksgiving turkey for her family’s dinner by smuggling the bird out of the store inside her vagina.

“We saw her through the store’s security camera,” said Kroger manager Joe Goldsmith. “She picked up an average-sized bird, pulled up her skirt, and proceeded to shove and heave until it was lodged inside of her. To be honest, we were laughing so hard, we didn’t even considering trying to stop her.”

Goldsmith says they did stop her, though, as she tried to leave the building.

“She claimed that she was being harassed by the ‘white man,’ because she was black, and that she didn’t have ‘no turkey stuffed in her vajay,'” said Goldsmith. “Police were called immediately.”

Once in custody, Jones reportedly came clean, and said that she just wanted to provide a good meal, for once, for her family.

“Normally, the chillins, they get them Kid Cuisine micro-meals, and me and whichever guy I’m with that week, we eat leftovers from the night before. Often, it’s just beans or whatever,” said Jones. “I wanted to have a damn turkey, but who the hell can afford them birds? I see ’em on the street all the time, just wild ones, but you ever try to catch a wild turkey? Them sonsabitches are fast.

Goldsmith says that the store will not be pressing charges against Jones, but she will be banned from the store. Cincinnati police returned the stolen turkey to the Kroger store, and Goldsmith has said it was wiped down and placed back on the shelf.

“We just want to make sure everyone – that is, everyone who can afford it – gets a turkey this holiday,” said Goldsmith.

 

Kanye West Arrested After Breaking Into Beck’s House; Attempted To Steal His Grammy

Kanye West Arrested After Breaking Into Beck's House; Attempted To Steal His Grammy

LOS ANGELES, California-

Cops arrested Kanye West late Friday night after he was caught breaking and entering into musician Beck’s California home. Police were called to the scene after a security system went off in the home, and West was found with his leg stuck in a window he has smashed out. An ambulance was called to take West to the hospital.

Both West and Beck have been in the news lately due to a interruption Kanye made while Beck was receiving an award at the Grammys. West made it clear that he felt that Beck didn’t deserve to win the award, and while Beck appeared to laugh it off, Kanye began to ramble off into a frenzy of anger attacking the music industry.

Beck has yet to comment on the break-in at his home, but his manager has said that Beck will not be filing any charges. Kanye did tell police that he was there to retrieve Beck’s Best Album of the Year trophy, which he truly believed that Beyoncé deserved.

“I’m a man I handle my business and when I have a job to do I get it done,” said West. “I have to protect Beyoncé’s pride, and she deserved that award, not Beck. Who the hell is Beck, anyway?”

After he was released by police, West made a statement to the press about his feelings on the current state of the music industry.

“Music is dying and we need to have some real artist to bring it back to life. It’s all about glamor and money these days, and that isn’t what a true artist should be doing. Beyoncé is an artist in her craft and that’s why I respect her, music should be about how we inspire people, not by how the industry makes a fast buck off advertisement. Also, while I have you here, check out my clothing line, my wife Kim’s new book, and my new album that will be dropping soon,” said West

 

Nicki Minaj Tells MTV Documentary Crew About Her Hardened Life of Crime

BRONX, New York – minaj3
minaj2

In a new documentary, Nicki Minaj reveals just how far she had to go to live day-to-day before she made it to stardom. In MTV’s My Time Again, Minaj tells how she had to steal everything from bread to panties to survive.

“When I was a waitress at Red Lobster, I had to steal bread to eat from work,” said Minaj. “I’d stuff some biscuits into my apron, then I’d hide in a bathroom stall and stuff them into my face as fast as I could. They ended up firing me after a while. Not for the bread thing, though. Actually, that’s a pretty common thing for waitresses at most restaurants to do. They actually fired me because I was a rude bitch to customers. I lost about 15 jobs that way, no shit.”

Minaj, who now has her own line of branded clothing at K-Marts across the country, says the thinks it’s ‘super ironic’ that all these years later her face would be plastered throughout the stores.

“It’s funny how my life has turned around. I used to shoplift all my clothes from K-Mart, and now I have my own clothing line there. My face is all over the stores, but this time it’s on posters out front, not just on little Polaroids and blurry camera footage in the security office out back. I tell you, though, I had to swipe them. A girl goes through a hell of a lot of clothes trying to figure out the best way to look like you’re not wearing any clothes.”

Minaj, whose real name is Onika Tanya Maraj, says that although she may have had to resort to a life of crime growing up, she hopes that her fans don’t make the same mistakes.

“Of course I would never encourage any of my young fans to follow in my footsteps. On the other hand, my older fans can do whatever they want. But if you’re gonna shoplift, make sure you don’t get caught!”

Later, Minaj explains to the documentary crew about how she turned her life around before it was too late.

“I realized I didn’t want to be an alcoholic like my dad, wearing cheap lingerie or whatever. I needed to get serious about my career. That’s when I got on MySpace. Nothing says ‘serious about your career’ like a MySpace Music page. I guess it paid off, though. I got signed, I got off the streets. I didn’t have to sell my poon for money like a lot of friends I had growing up. Plus, I got to stop stuffing my face with stolen bread. Life just kind of fell into place after that.”

The documentary premiers on MTV January 18th at 10 PM, and is said to be an extremely intimate look into the superstar’s life.

 

 

Ferguson Company Selling ‘Riot & Looting Kits’ In Wake Of Michael Brown Ruling

FERGUSON, Missouri – Ferguson Company Selling 'Riot & Looting Kits' In Wake Of Michael Brown Ruling

Never let it be said that capitalism doesn’t find a way. A newly formed company, Riot Right, started by a Ferguson businessman after the Michael Brown shooting, is now selling pre-prepared riot and looting kits for the people of Ferguson, Missouri.

“First, let me say that Riot Right is all about quality,” said Willie Willis, owner. “It’s tough all over the world, not just in Ferguson – riots and looting can break out anytime and anywhere, and people need to be prepared. Our basic riot kit has safety in mind, first and foremost. Each one comes with goggles to protect your eyes from pepper spray, gloves and chest protectors for defense against rubber bullets. We feel if you’re going to riot and loot, do it right.”

Willis said that although he doesn’t condone rioting, he does feel that if there is going to be all this flagrant opportunism with looting, he should join in on it – at least from a business perspective.

“People will use any excuse they can to riot and burn and loot the stores of our community. With that in mind, our deluxe kit comes with all the safety equipment as the basic kit, plus offense items, such as crowbars for breaking car windows and store fronts. Don’t be that fool using a rock – that’s ghetto. There are also bottles for making molotov cocktails, although sorry, gas not included. They also come with Kevlar vests, ’cause when the rubber bullets don’t work, you don’t want to be the dead fool out there getting hit with real bullets. Our kits guarantee that you will be able to cause the most trouble and grab the most loot, because if you can’t see or breathe, how you gonna carry a flat screen T.V. outta the store?”

 

“We were hoping that ‘cooler heads’ would prevail, and the justice system would do its job, but that doesn’t seem to be the case,” said Mike Murray of the Missouri State Police. “So that said, we’ll be working diligently to keep the people safe by arming ourselves to the teeth with every automatic weapon we can get our hands on.”

“The police will work to keep only half the people safe, but I’m thinking about the other half,” said Willis. “Remember to pick up your riot and looting kits at my mobile office – just look for the ’77 Riviera that’s usually parked on 15th street in front of Denny’s.”

 

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.