Afroman To Be Charged With Murder After Assaulted Fan Dies

BILOXI, Mississippi –

Singer-songwriter Joseph Foreman aka Afroman, best known for his 2001 hit “Because I Got High”, is reportedly to be charged with the murder of Pink Platino. The girl died days after being knocked unconscious by a roundhouse punch that was, actually, pretty darn impressive for a forty-year-old stoner. Although Platino was initially thought to be uninjured, the sheer humiliation of the event, combined with internal bleeding in her brain, caused an unexpected hemorrhage.

“There’s a bunch of things that she knew she’d never live down,” said Mauve Platino, Pink’s sister. “Firstly, she was at a damn Afroman gig, a guy who had one hit that only stoners knew existed. The entire family cringed when we heard that she was there. Secondly, she was getting sexy with Afroman on stage, and someone caught that shit on film. Thirdly, a hit from Afroman was enough to send her to the ground. Jesus, I’m embarrassed to be related to her.”

Pink’s friends, however, came to her defense. “Pink was just a chiller,” said friend Matt “Matty-boy” Jacbos. “She was just chillin’ up there. Why can’t anyone just chill these days without getting smashed in the face?”

Lawyer John McDougal, who will represent the Platino family, was bullish about their chances at getting justice.

“It’s all on video,” he told media outlet TMZ. “He definitely can’t say ‘It Wasn’t Me,’ this time.”

When it was pointed out to McDougal that he was referring to a Shaggy song, the lawyer mumbled something about having lots of black stoner friends, and refused to comment further.

Afroman came out in his own defense, saying that it only happened because it was an early afternoon show, and he had not had a chance to take his “medication” yet.

Legal expert, Ziggy Fernandez, played down the chances that the singer would end up in prison.

“Seriously, no jury is going to take pity on the type of girl who attended Afroman concerts,” Fernandez said. “I think pretty much everyone agrees that if you go to an Afroman concert, you deserve to be knocked unconscious. If you die, well, you know, that’s just the way shit falls sometimes.”

BRUNSWICK, New Jersey –

Failing fast food giant Burger King announced today a new late-night menu targeted directly at stoners and drunks. Burger King’s decision is, of course, purely profit driven, which come as no surprise. The company’s honesty on the subject is what has industry insiders scratching their heads.

“We decided not to beat around the bush – if you’re out buying fast food after 1 am, you’re either drunk or stoned. With that in mind, we are unveiling our new late-night menu that we are simply dubbing the ‘Stoned Selection,'” said Bill Baron, Burger King CEO. ”Let’s face it – we are not the first to do this, we’re just the first to be open about why we’re doing it. Taco Bell’s entire menu is aimed at pot smokers, and Papa John’s new Sriracha hot sauce and Fritos Pizza screams ‘I’ve got the weed munchies.'”

“We have partnered with other companies in an effort to give the pot-heads all the best foods for eating while high,” said director of marketing Greg Hause. “The menu will only have two choices to keep it simple, because research shows anything more than 2 will bring the average 17-year-old who is high as a kite to a decision-making standstill. The two menu items will be either Hot Pockets and Bugles, or Bagel Bites and Ho-Hos. The only drink option is going to be a large Mountain Dew, naturally. In the test markets of Colorado and New York, our ‘Stoned Selection’ menu has been a huge success, and we plan to go nationwide by the end of the year.”

“It’s the best,” said Matt Martino, a 16-year-old weed smoker in Denver. ”I don’t remember what I had, but I remember it being really good. Me and my friend were going to go to Taco Bell, but that menu is too confusing man. Last time we went there we stared at the menu so long, the place closed before we got our order in. It was kind of epic.”