7-11 Convenience Stores ‘Happy For Endorsement’ From Donald Trump

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

During a recent speech, candidate Donald Trump made what his camp is referring to as a “slip of the tongue,” and referred to the tragedies on 9/11 as “7-11.” Although the mistake could have happened to anyone, that fact that it happened to someone as nefariously incompetent as Donald Trump made the internet go wild – especially 7/11 Stores.

“We are extremely happy that Mr. Trump is endorsing our stores,” said 7-11 spokesman Brian Jewel. “Although we really wish that it had been someone like Bernie Sanders, we are elated to be a part of the conversation. We would like to say, though, that we want everyone to know that we do not sponsor any one, particular candidate, but, that doesn’t mean that we won’t enjoy when a specific candidate promotes us.”

In response to Trump’s comment about the stores, the entire 7-11 chain is offering one free Slurpee to any customer who comments as “Trump sent me.”

Dunking Donuts and Starbucks Plan Company Merger

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Starbucks may be on every single street corner in the country, but America runs on Dunkin. The two companies announced today that a merger, which is estimated to be worth somewhere in the nature of $2 billion, would be taking place over the remaining part of the year.

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“It is with great joy that we announce that two of the biggest coffee chains in the country come together under one banner,” said the companies in a joint statement. “We are proud to announce that Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks will finally become one family, hereby now known as DunkinBucks.”

The companies say that the combo stores will begin opening sometime in late August, and that you will be able to get both coffees at each location, as well as the same pastries and doughnuts currently sold by each store.

“We didn’t want to take anything away from either brand, we just wanted to focus on a future,” finished the statement, published in The New York Times and Boston Globe, among other papers throughout the country. “This is the future of coffee.”

Walmart Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy After Closing 100 Stores, Laying Off 10k Employees

walmart

BETONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Walmart Stores, Inc. has reportedly filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy as of the first of January, after announcing that they would be closing over 100 stores nationwide, with over 10,000 employees being laid off. The bankruptcy comes as the company, the world’s largest employer, has steadily lost sales over the years to online retailers like Amazon.

“We can’t compete with Amazon, we’re not even close to their pricing on nearly anything,” said Walmart spokesman George Glass. “These online stores, they’re killing us. I work for the world’s largest company, and I only made $92,000 last year. How am I supposed to feed my family on that? We have filed for bankruptcy in hopes of restructuring the company and regaining the stranglehold – excuse me, I mean foothold – that we’ve had in the marketplace for the last 4 decades.”

Walmart employees say that they are the ones who are going to be hardest hit by this restructuring, which will more than likely include closing of several hundred more stores, leaving thousands more out of work.

“It’s just like when I worked for Ames. Then I worked for Circuit City. Then RadioShack. All these companies are becoming more and more obsolete every day,” said Walmart store manager Phil Angel. “At this point, I think the only thing really to do would be go and work at Amazon. Give it another 5 years, and there won’t be physical stores anymore for anything. Shit, I even do my grocery shopping on Amazon, and I work in a Walmart store with a grocery department – Amazon has better deals, even with my 6% employee discount!”

Many Retail Stores Begin Christmas TV Advertising Campaigns On May 1st

Many Retail Stores Begin Christmas Advertising Campaigns May 1st

UNITED STATES – 

Starting May 1st, many retailers will begin running their Christmas and holiday themed ads on television and via the internet, in hopes of getting a jump on competitors who offer similar products for similar pricing.

“We normally would not jump into the holiday spirit so soon,” said Best Buy advertising manager Cliff Blue. “But we saw that Future Shop and HH Gregg were both going to be launching their Christmas ads, so we decided to do so as well. We have to stay competitive.”

Other retailers who begin holiday advertising this May include K-Mart, Home Depot, and Target.

“Basically at this point, everyone is just trying to keep up with Wal-Mart, and whatever they’re doing,” said a board member of Target who wished to remain anonymous. “We heard that they were going to be launching Christmas ads in June, so we wanted to break away. We already have plans of starting our Christmas ads for next year on December 26th of this year, so that way no one can ever say they were before us.”

Customers of all the stores say they couldn’t care less what the ads on TV are showing, because most of them don’t see TV commercials anyway.

“Well, we had cable up until a month ago, but we finally cut the cord, so I never see commercials anymore,” said Anne Taxe, of Washington. “Come to think of it, even when we had cable we DVR’d everything and skipped commercials. Yeah, so, I guess it doesn’t matter what they’re trying to shove in my face – I’m not seeing it anyway.”

“Christmas is a time for giving, and for caring, and what better way to show someone you care than to let them know you were thinking of them in the middle of the spring, and had their gift ready 8 months in advance?” asked Blue. “This year, give them something they’ll always remember, like a 65″ Panasonic TV. On sale for the holiday at only $1,300 with a 4-year protection plan!”

Stores Begin Denying Patrons Who Want To Pay By Check, Explain New Policy As ‘It’s 2015’

Stores Begin Denying Patrons Who Want To Pay By Check, Explain New Policy As 'It's 2015'

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

Patrons in the Best Buy in Salt Lake City were surprised recently when the store informed them that were changing their policies on payment, and would no longer be accepting checks for purchases.

“I could’t believe it,” said Mary Hutton, 82, who was there to buy a new washing machine. “They said that they took cash, credit, or debit, but no longer took checks. I was shocked. I still am. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Best Buy, as well as several other retailers, say the answer is simple – it’s 2015, and checks have been a dead payment format for decades.

“Ever since banks started issuing debit cards with every checking account, the only people who have used checks are old women and people who are floating a check because they don’t have the money in their account to cover the purchase yet – or they don’t have it at all, and are committing a crime,” said Best Buy CFO Tim Lorde. “Either way, we have no use for checks.”

Employees of several locations say they are extremely happy that the stores have stopped taking checks, as the process for accepting them is extremely slow, and more often than not, the checks are declined anyway.

“We took checks, and just ran them, essentially, like a debit card,” said Best Buy employee Molly Hamlin. “It would be instantly approved or denied. Of course, people didn’t know that, and they were trying to get something for nothing when they had no cash in their accounts, and they’d get declined – then they’d get mad at me, like it was my fault their broke ass couldn’t afford a new TV. Sorry, but pay in cash or by credit like a normal person.”

Many grocery stores and department stores are also starting to phase out check systems in their stores.

“We really want everyone to just pay, and get the hell out,” said grocery store manager Troy Lippit. “Checks slow everyone down. You can see these old women coming in, every Sunday, buying a gallon of milk and having to write a check while behind them a line of people forms, angrily staring her down wondering why she hasn’t gotten into the next century.”

According to banking professionals, checks should be completely obsolete by 2017, with most stores not accepting them by next year. They will, at that point, only be used to pay rent.

Most Liquor Stores Throughout U.S. Now Accepting Food Stamps

 Most Liquor Stores Throughout U.S. Now Accepting Food Stamps

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

If you happen to be on the lower peg of the economic ladder and also enjoy a stiff beverage, great news is coming your way. To any person in the United States that is given food stamps, you will now be eligible to use these benefits at any liquor store in the nation. For any amount of benefits that you receive, you will be able to spend any amount of your food stamps on any type of alcoholic beverage, beer or hard liquor.

In an attempt to curb the illegal sale of food stamps, government officials decided to “cut out the middle man” and allow them to be used for alcohol.

“Basically, many recipients of food stamps were selling their monthly allotment, handing over the card, and taking cash. They’d then use the cash to buy booze or drugs,” said senator Mitch Larson (D-Delaware.) “We can’t very well allow people to use their food stamp cards to buy drugs, but we can stop the sale of food stamp money by just allowing it to be able to be used for alcohol. It’s just economics at work, really.”

While food stamps were invented to help out those that couldn’t afford to buy the items to cook a hot meal, many people who receive the benefits say that as adults, they should have the right to choose what their government handout can be used on at any given time.

“I’m 68-years-old, and if I want a bottle of bourbon with my Hungry Man dinner, then sumbitch, I should be able to get one,” said Marv Gordon, a Vietnam Veteran who receives $225 a month in food stamp benefits. “My grandson was giving me money before, and I’d let him take the card to the store and pick up some food for himself, but this is a lot easier.”

Already many liquor stores are accepting food stamps at their locations, and members of congress say that all stores selling alcohol must accept food stamps by April 31st of this year.

There has been an outcry from the public, especially Republican voters, that the benefits are already abused enough, and that adding alcohol sales will only further compound the issue. Government officials say, though, that those people complaining about the change happen to not need any government help, so their opinions don’t really matter.

 

 

Major Retailers To Begin Referring To Christmas As ‘Presents Day’ Next Year

Major Retailers To Begin Referring To Christmas As 'Presents Day' Next Year
Target is just one of several major retail chains to change references of ‘Christmas’ to ‘Presents Day’

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

The holiday season is upon us once again, and with the holidays comes lots of shopping, decorating, and traveling. No matter what your religious beliefs may be, or how you decide to celebrate, this time has always been about spending time with the people you love.

Sadly, it appears that several major retailers have forgotten the true meaning of the season. Major chains including Best Buy, Target, and RadioShack, have made the decision to no longer use or acknowledge the word ‘Christmas’ or even ‘holiday’ in their marketing, but rather refer to December 25th as ‘Presents Day’.

“It makes perfect sense to me,” said Shane Owens, a seasonal cashier at Macy’s in New York City. “That’s all Christmas is to me really, the presents. I don’t really care about Jesus or religions at all. Most people don’t. All I’m worried about is getting a new iPhone, and some nice shoes. That is what Christmas is really about – presents. So I’m totally on board with the name change.”

Some stores, including Wal-Mart, say that they will not change their current marketing on holiday items.

“We sell a lot of Christmas, Hanukkah, and even Kwanza merchandise,” said Wal-Mart spokesman Carl Rollback. “We’re a very Christian-valued company, and as much stuff as well sell during the holidays to the masses of people looking to get new TVs, cell phones, and toys, we never want to take the Christ out of Christmas.”

“The more you buy for your friends and family, the more they will know that you love them,” said Target CEO Gary Reddot. “Christmas has lost all meaning, at least as word. Sure, plenty of people celebrate a Mass of Christ, for the birth of Jesus, blah blah blah. But most people who celebrate Christmas are just using it as an excuse to be as materialistic as possible. Those are the people we love.”

 

Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, ‘Only 47 Deaths This Year’

RICHFIELD, Minnesota – Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, 'Only 47 Deaths This Year'

Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly spoke to the press this morning about the company’s huge Black Friday numbers, and how 2014 turned out to be one of the best the company has seen in years.

“We had so many great deals this year,” said Joly, beginning his speech. “We had sales on all the hottest electronics, and we even had a 50″ TV with a better price than Wal-Mart had. It was just a wonderful day, and we are very thankful that our over 140,000 employees generously gave up their Thanksgiving holiday with families to come to work and shill for our items.”

Joly said that throughout the company’s almost 1200 stores, they were able to get almost everyone the product they were looking for, and at an unbeatable price.

“Thankfully, we had a pretty full warehouse leading into this season,” said Joly. “We had almost enough TVs, computers, and iPads for everyone. We only had 47 deaths this year, which is down from the 60-plus we’ve seen in previous years. All these people, all those crowds, all the trampling and fisticuffs, things are bound to happen sometimes.”

Generally speaking, there are fights, violence, and crowds so large that people are trampled, and often injured or killed, every year during Black Friday sales events. Joly says that it’s just ‘part of doing business,’ and one of the things that makes Black Friday exciting for the customers is the fact that they could not make it home.

“Places like Wal-Mart, they do a one-hour guarantee now, so you can be first in line or 2,000th in line, but if you’re there in the first hour, you’ll be getting your product. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get it at the sale price, and they’ll ship it,” said Joly. “We’re big, but we’re not Wal-Mart big, so stores like us, Target, K-Mart, Sears – we get to police our customers on our own. Just like the real police, though, we can’t always control the riots that ensue.”

Joly said that next year, they’re shooting to only have 20-30 deaths, and by 2020, they should be down to less than five.

“I don’t see it ever reaching zero deaths. I mean, even if the customers all behaved rationally and like normal people, we still expect at least 2 or 3 employees to die off from overwork,” said Joly. “Not that I ever have done it myself, but I imagine those 15-20 hour Black Friday shifts are horrible!”

Wal-Mart Bans Girls Scouts From Selling Cookies In Front of Stores

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – empire-news-wal-mart-bans-girl-scouts-from-selling-cookies-in-front-of-stores

Wal-Mart stores have announced this morning that they will no longer be allowing members of any Girl Scout troops to sell cookies in front of their stores, claiming that Girl Scout Cookies directly compete with their own ‘Great Value’ brand of cookies.

“We, as a company, have decided to no longer allow the Girl Scouts of America to sell their cookies in front of our establishments,” said Douglas Mcmillon, President and CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, INC. “We at Wal-Mart sell our own line of baked snack foods, including several cookie flavors that the Girl Scouts also sell. We have come to the decision that they are a competing brand, and management at all locations has been informed to deny permission to any troops looking to sell at their stores.”

Wal-Mart has been allowing Girl Scout troops to set up tables and sell their cookies in front of stores for decades. Suddenly and abruptly pulling their permission has come as a shock to many parents of young Girl Scout members, many of whom say they will boycott the company completely.

“I cannot believe that they would do something like this to our girls,” said Mary Lambert, a mother of 2 girls in the Scout program. “We have been going to our local Wal-Mart and selling cookies together as a group for the last 3 years. This is an outrage. If they think I’m going to buy their stupid cookies, they are dead wrong. I won’t buy anything there anymore!”

“We understand that people are going to be upset,” said Mcmillon. “There isn’t much we can do to change that. They sell Caramel Delites, we sell Caramel Fudge and Coconut Cookies. They sell Thin Mints, we sell Chocolate Mint Wafer Cookies. It’s about the Scouts stealing money from us, and we can’t have that. You don’t see Coca-Cola parked in front of Pepsi retailers selling their sodas, do you?”

Although not as numerous in locations as Wal-Mart, big box retailer K-Mart has stepped up to the plate, offering their locations as selling points for all Girl Scout troops.

“We don’t sell our own brand of cookies. To be honest, we don’t sell much of anything,” said Patricia Miller, president of Sears Holdings, the parent company of K-Mart. “All Girl Scout troops are more than welcome to block our entryways to sell their delicious cookies.”

Curiously, Wal-Mart has not banned the Boy Scouts of America from selling their popcorn tins in front of their locations. Parents of several Girl Scout members think it’s less about money, and more about sexism.

“Wal-Mart is known for being horrible to their workers, and being downright abysmal to their female employees,” said Lambert. “We think this is just more sexism from the biggest company in the world. They’re banning our girls, but the boys can shill their popcorn ’til the cows come home.”

Several troop leaders, as well as many groups of parents throughout the country, have initiated a boycott of Wal-Mart stores. At the time of this writing, Wal-Mart representative could not be reached for further comment.

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