Gritty, R-Rated ‘Carmen Sandiego’ Movie Begins Production In October


LOS ANGELES, California – 

Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego was a popular children’s game and TV show, which taught geography and history to kids in the early 90s. Several other offshoots of the Carmen Sandiego character have appeared over time, and it was announced today in Variety magazine that a new, gritty version of the character is coming to the big screen.

“All the kids loved Carmen, but those kids have grown up, many with children of their own now,” said Lionsgate CEO Mark Miller. “We thought about the property, and decided that a gritty, dark, violent version of the character would really appeal to those adults who grew up with her on TV and on the computer. This was a major deal for us, and a huge property to acquire.”

Miller says that the character is being revamped and rebooted to be more of a sultry, violent, superhero like spy.

“She’s a former stripper-turned-private eye, so she knows how to use her body as well as her fists, to get to the ‘bad guys,'” said Miller. “The script is being written by Quentin Tarantino, who is a big fan of the original TV show, as well as the cartoon series from the 90s.”

Tarantino is known for his violent characters in most films, including extremely badass female characters such as The Bride in his Kill Bill films.

“We know he will do a terrific job on the story,” said Miller. “If things pan out, we may even have him direct.”

Punk, Metal Legend Glenn Danzig Set To Replace Hugh Jackman as ‘Wolverine’


HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Punk and metal legend Glenn Danzig, co-founder of Misfits and lead singer of the eponymous Danzig, has reportedly signed on the dotted line to take over for hulking actor Hugh Jackman in the role of Wolverine for the upcoming X-Men series of films.

“We are elated to have Mr. Danzig on board for the films,” said Marvel Studios CEO Harvey Dent. “I am, personally, a big fan of Danzig and The Misfits, as are many other people, and we know his built-in fanbase will come running to see him portray the Wolverine character. My favorite song is JuJu Bone. It’s just so catchy. No idea what it’s about, but hell, it’s just great.”

Hugh Jackman, who has played the Wolverine character almost a dozen times in the last 15 years, had decided last year to step down from the role, and was reportedly anxious to make way for Danzig to take over.

“I am so glad that they got Danzig to continue on with the character, and not some nobody like fuckin’ Tom Hardy or something,” said Jackman to Out Of Touch Magazine. “Danzig just looks like Wolverine. Like he’d ‘snikt snikt’ your fucking heart out, ya’ know? He’s even got the jacked build, naturally, to play Wolverine. I had to bulk up for fuckin’ months and let my hair grow, but not Danzig. I think he may have been born for the part.”

Danzig, who turned 60-years-old just this summer, is reportedly ‘raring to go’ for the role, which begins shooting in Atlanta in April, 2016.

“Well, I know one movie I won’t be seeing, and that’s any movie that has Danzig in it,” said current Misfits frontman and former bandmate Jerry Only. “Shame, too. Despite being a man of God, I am a huge fan of violent comic book films. I was looking forward to another film, but I guess that won’t be happening. Danzig won’t get a dime of my Misfits money!”



Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.