Teens Who Vape More Likely To Be Made Fun Of Than Those That Don’t, Study Finds

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A new study conducted by Harvard University shows that teens who “vape” are more likely to be made fun of than kids who do not. The study was performed over the last year, and monitored a group of 200 teens aged 15 to 19.

“Of the group, 100 of the kids were vapers, or kids who smoke using vape pens, etc.,” said that study chairman, Mick Horn. “Those kids were asked to vape in front of the other 100 kids, who proceeded, of course, to call the vape kids a slew of names, including ‘faggot,’ ‘tool,’ ‘loser,’ and ‘asshole,’ among others. When the study was flipped, the vape kids really had nothing to say about the non-vapers.”

According to his findings, Horn says that kids should decidedly not take up vaping, unless they like being made fun of.

“There’s really no point to vaping, short of smoking while looking like an extra douche bag,” said Horn. “I think that my study conclusively proves that.”

Huffing Your Own Feces Can Help To Cure Depression Symptoms

Posted on April 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Gavaland University in Boston, Massachusetts, have discovered what they say is a “cure” for long-term depression and bi-polar symptoms, and it’s been staring you in the rear-end the entire time. The research team has concluded that people who consistently huff and smell their own feces will lead happier, healthier lives.

“The more often you smell your own gas, or your own feces, the happier you will be,” said Dr. Richard Kimball, who headed the study. “As it was so eloquently put in one of those Austin Powers movies, ‘Everyone likes the smell of their own brand.’ This, it turns out, is extremely true, to the point that smelling your own gas or feces will actually brighten and calm your moods.”

Dr. Kimball says that they followed the effects over 4 years on 200 patients, all of whom were required to sniff their poop in front of the doctors, multiple times a day, over the course of the study.

“At first it was weird taking a shit in front of a doctor, but they said it was because they didn’t want anyone to be swapping their shit with someone else’s, because it would ruin the study,” said Maria Johnson, who was one of the first to sign up. “At any rate, it turns out that my mood really was lifted from sniffing shit, so I’m glad I took part.”

The study participants were not given anything for their help in the research other than a high-fiber diet and a smile.

Beer Drinkers More Likely To Die Young, Have Miserable Lives, Says Study

Posted on April 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard School Of Study in Boston have recently released their findings about beer drinkers, something that the team says they have been working on for many years.

“College is a place of learning, but mostly, it’s a place to party, drink beers, and get laid,” said research head Joey Goldsmith. “We decided to study the effects of drinking beer on people’s lives, and follow the same study group over the course of 20 years.”

Goldsmith says that the study proved conclusively that beer drinkers die younger than non-beer drinkers, and that most of them go on to lead miserable, messy lives.

“We followed 50 party kids who spent most of their nights drinking, and 50 nerds, who spent their college careers working towards their goals,” said Goldsmith. “After 20 years with these people, 42 of our 50 beer drinkers were dead, and the other 8 were in rehab, prison, or homeless. Of the 50 studious people we followed, every single one had good jobs, good families, and 4 of them became millionaires in business.”

According to Goldsmith, the more beer someone drinks, the more likely they are to die young or become a “complete and total wreck.”

“I strongly suggest that if you’re going to college and you want to party, then stick to smoking weed,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, really, isn’t that the better option anyway?”

Scientists Confirm Link Between Chemtrails and Autism

Posted on March 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Community College have been working tirelessly over the last decade in a search for a link between Autism and any other outside source. Today, they’ve released information that they say conclusively links Autism with chemtrails.

“To think that Autism is caused by vaccines is ridiculous and preposterous,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “Vaccines are necessary and important. What is not necessary is chemtrails. Those whispy bits of clouds you see left in the sky after a plane goes by, or those billowing clouds during a new morning sky – those are the things that could very well be giving your child Autism.”

Dr. Brown says that children who are exposed to the hazards of being outside too young can easily “contract” Autism.

“If the hospital is wanting you to take your new baby home, and you look out and see chemtrails, do not take that baby outside. Wait it out, it’s very important,” said Dr. Brown. “A baby exposed to chemtrails is over 0.099873% more likely to end up having Autism than a baby who lives inside, all the time, in a plastic bubble or incubator.”

Dr. Brown says his “startling” finds and study conclusions will be published in his “home medical journal” this month.

Kids Who Color On Themselves Grow Up To Be Geniuses

Posted on February 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Researchers at the prestigious Children’s Institute of America recently completed a 20 year study on the effects of children who color on themselves with Crayola markers, and the study proves conclusively that those children grow up to have extremely high IQs.

“We followed 2,000 children for the last 20 years, and of those 2,000 case studies, half of them were allowed to color on themselves using markers, while the other half were not,” explained Dr. Richard Kimball. “What we found was that the 1000 kids who were able to let their creativity flow by drawing on themselves, a significant portion of them grew up to be extremely smart, some of them tipping past genius levels.”

Dr. Kimball says that 978 of the children who were allowed to Crayloa their own faces consistently had IQs in the genius level, where as all 1000 of the non-colorers had normal, average IQs, or below in adulthood.

“This study proves conclusively why you should allow your children to be creative, and do whatever they’d like. If they want to color themselves blue, why, go out and get them some markers,” said Dr. Kimball. “Down the road you’ll be glad you did.”

NASA to Scrap Venus Trip, Using Funds to Study Bruce Jenner

Posted on January 31, 2015 by ZGHarris

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

NASA officials have made the unprecedented announcement regarding the transition a large sum of funds from space exploration to a more terrestrial endeavor. In a recent press release, the plan was made clear. “We have decided to move funds from space exploration to study Bruce Jenner.”

Officials at the National Aeronautics and Space Association stated that the move was decided after a series of groundbreaking feats went relatively unnoticed by the US public. According to officials, NASA must remain more mindful of its popularity to retain funding. Thus, drastic steps must be made to stay in the limelight.

“We simply have to stay relevant to today’s society. In order to do so, we have to be aware of what is popular – what fascinates people,” said Mission Director J.D. Harrington. “What fascinates people right now is Bruce Jenner.”

Jenner recently made waves regarding his interest in transforming into a woman. NASA officials made it clear that their funding the exploration of the former Olympic star were not an unfocused mocking, but instead a true scientific endeavor.

“This isn’t a cheap ploy at all. Nor is it an attempt to demean the transgender community,”
Harrington explained firmly. “The fact is, plenty of people are interested in this. Many are unaware of the transgender process or how it works. In a lot of ways it is more mysterious than space, and NASA has the funds to study this situation and process.”

When asked about the recent finding of Ceres, a dwarf planet in the solar system, as well as the landing on the Rosetta Comet, Harrington was once again frank.

“Sure, we found a new planet-sized object in the asteroid belt. And yes, we landed a machine on a [expletive] asteroid. But no big deal. It’s clear the two most talked about spherical objects in our solar system are on Jenner’s chest. So I guess we’ll just need to study those. Why not cover something that costs less money and seems to interest people?”

NASA has scrapped an upcoming mission to Venus in order to send a probe to orbit Jenner for six weeks. The shuttle is set to launch early next month, weather permitting.

Scientific Study Proves O.J. Simpson Is Greatest Athlete of All Time

Posted on October 30, 2014 by Chip

DELUTH, Minnesota –

A scientific study conducted at Martinvale University has been released today naming O.J Simpson the greatest athlete of all time. Martinvale representative Daniel Carson sat down with a correspondent from CNN this afternoon to discuss the study in further detail, starting off by addressing the shock and controversy the study has already received.

“Look, I know this isn’t going to be a popular discovery, but like it or not, The Juice is the greatest athlete we have ever seen, and will probably ever see.”

Carson proceeded to give a breakdown of the study. “O.J was a monster on and off the field, I mean the guy rushed for over 2,000 yards in a 14 game season, and played in 6 Pro Bowls. He is such a beast he was able to rush for over 200 yards in 6 different games throughout his amazing career.”

After continuing to spend a brief period quoting O.J Simpson’s NFL stats that anyone could easily find on Wikipedia, Carson took an odd and controversial turn in the conversation

“The fact of the matter is that The Juice has it all. Today we have athletes like Ray Rice that aren’t even able to get away with simple domestic violence. A civil court found that O.J straight murdered two people like a savage, and he never saw a day behind bars for it.”

Carson tells CNN that it’s these ‘pure animal instincts’ and smarts that allowed O.J to get away with murder both on and off the field. “Greatest Athlete is not a title handed down purely for brute strength or game statistics, it’s having the brain to think on your feet and tie it all together.”

The study also makes reference to O.J’s acting career and states his performance in Roots and The Naked Gun can only be described as brilliant. The claim was made within the study that “it’s those charismatic and sharp instincts within O.J’s genes that allowed him to excel as an actor that contributed to him being a phenomenal athlete. There really is a huge and overlooked crossover between the skills that make one a great actor and a great athlete.”

Though the results of the study are understandably widely disputed, Carson wrapped up his interview with CNN by saying “If O.J were to suit up today at age 67, he’d be the best player in the NFL, and if he so chose he could be the best player in the NBA, NHL, or MLB. That’s an indisputable fact.”

New Study Proves Everyone Is At Least Slightly Gay

Posted on June 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PIEDMONT, North Dakota –

A new scientific study performed by a private medical team at Massasoit General Hospital in Piedmont, North Dakota has proven that 100% of people have at least a little bit of gay in them.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, or a eunuch,” Said Professor Neil Louis, head of HumanZone, INC., the privately-held medical research company that performed the study. “Through many years of testing, research, development, and a tiny bit of trial-and-error, we have discovered the actual strain in human DNA that causes homosexuality. [And] these tests conclude that everyone, no matter who they are, has at least a small amount of that strain in them.”

It has long been known, although argued vehemently by bigots and religious zealots, that homosexuality is a trait that is developed while a person is still in the fetal state, being born homosexual or heterosexual. With this knowledge, Professor Louis and his team were able to discover exactly at what stage of the pregnancy a person “becomes” homosexual. Once they discovered this timeframe, they used that knowledge to find the actual DNA gene itself. They were then startled to discover that in every sample they had, whether it was from people who identified as straight or as homosexual, they could find at least some part of that same strain.

“It’s all extremely complicated,” said Louis. “I don’t expect that a layperson would understand it. When our research is published in the Boston Medical Journal of Research next month, anyone will be able to peruse our findings.”

What this means for people as whole, according to Louis, really amounts to nothing at all.

“This is not going to change any person’s day-to-day life. Knowing that you have a little gay in you, so what? What does that matter? Is there something wrong being gay? I mean, do people still think that in this day and age? What’s the matter with them? Who cares?”

In his findings, the professor and his team discovered that there were different “levels” of homosexuality, as they referred to them. Just as the stereotypes you can imagine of homosexuals, portrayed in TV and movies as anything from extremely flamboyant with female qualitites to men still repressing their sexuality, the study actually showed that the more a man claims to despise homosexuals, the more of the homosexual strain they would find in him.

“Men who we tested who considered themselves to be homophobic, or even overtly hostile towards homosexuals, were found to have the MOST amounts of homosexual DNA strains in them. I guess it does prove true the old adage that the more someone hates gay people, the more they really are repressing their own desires for some hot man-on-man action.”

Curiously, the study was not performed on any women.

“Oh, we didn’t bother studying women. Everyone already knows that all it takes to get a woman to have gay tendencies is a couple vodka and Red Bull martinis.”