Study Finds Trump Voters Have Drastically Lower IQ Than Liberals

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After Donald Trump was elected President, a group of researchers at the Pentagon set into motion a study unlike any other – they wanted to find out the average IQ of a group that would elect such an unqualified person into office.

Working with over 10,000 confirmed Trump voters and 10,000 confirmed non-Trump voters, researchers gave standardized intelligence quotient tests to each group. There was no time limit to complete the test, and it was given twice over a week-long period.

“The results of the testing, while not at all surprising, prove that Trump voters are drastically behind liberals and non-Trump voters on an intellectual basis,” said Dr. Carl Brewner, who headed the study. “The test was 200 questions, and each completed test gave us an average IQ score based on answers. On average, a Trump voter would score in the 30th percentile, or have an average intelligence level of about 71, far below the 90 to 110 that is considered ‘normal.’ A non-Trump voter would score an average of approximately 96.”

The research team claims that their test is ‘fairly conclusive,’ and they feel that even if they tested every single one of the millions of Trump voters, they’d come up with similar results.

“It was quite obvious to everyone that anyone who would vote for Donald Trump must be pretty stupid,” said Brewner. “Just look at the stupid things they say and do in your timeline on Facebook every single day. Now, though, we don’t even have to rely on just physical evidence of their stupidity via comments and posts and memes – we have the actual scientific data to back up how dumb they really are.”

 

Couple Admits That Living In ‘Tiny House’ Sucks Huge, Huge Balls

tinyhouse

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

The ‘Tiny House’ craze has been sweeping the country for the last few years, with many people eschewing their former lives as “regular house” renters and owners in favor of moving in extremely tiny, “microhouses.” The craze is so popular that there are even several TV shows dedicated to seeking out and buying tiny houses.

Almost everyone who has ever lived in or stayed in a “tiny house” says that it is amazing, but one couple who gave up their former life as teachers in New York to move to a tiny house in Phoenix say that it’s anything but.

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“Living in a tiny house sucks major, unbelievable, massive elephant balls,” said Mark Lawson, 30. “My wife Joanne and I watched all the shows about tiny houses, all the people buying and loving them. Yeah, well, what they don’t show is the shit those people have to deal with day in and day out. They should go back into those homes and visit 6 months later. I bet many divorces have been caused by tiny homes.”

“I can’t even get up from the bed without smacking my face on the walls or the ceiling,” said Joanne Lawson, 31. “Then I go into the shower, which is also the toilet, and you have to do your business at the same time as you’re cleaning yourself. Then the kitchen – oh my God. It’s a nightmare. It’s either microwaving or dining out for us. That’s all we can handle.”

The Lawsons say that they paid almost $300,000 for their tiny home in the Phoenix desert, and they’re doing everything they can to sell it.

“This was the stupidest idea we ever had,” said Mark. “For the money we paid for this, we could have bought a 30,000 square foot home in Detroit. Lived like kings. Instead, we’re sleeping on bunkbeds inside of a shipping container. This sucks so much, so big, so hairy, all the balls.”

“The dick, too, really,” added Joanne.

Caitlyn Jenner Upset People Already Stopped Talking About Her

Bruce Jenner Praised As 'American Hero,' Transgender People Everywhere Bored By News

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly ‘extremely upset’ that news outlets have stopped talking about her, and sources are saying that she is looking for her next big announcement and “courageous act” to get back in the news.

“In the 70s, Bruce Jenner was a hero for doing something sports related, which is just stupid – athletes aren’t heroes, and neither are Olympians. They’re just playing games,” said Richard Mario, a reported for the LA Times. “Now, Bruce Jenner has become Caitlyn Jenner, and we all reported on that. Blah blah, she’s a hero for doing it in the public eye, blah blah. She’s not a hero for transitioning, either. She’s still a bigoted, anti-gay marriage, rich republican. People have realized it, and that’s why they’re not talking about her.”

According to her closest friends, Jenner says that she may transition back to being a man just so that her name can be in magazines and newspapers again.

“She’s really upset, and she’s trying to think of what she can do so that people don’t stop talking about her,” said her friend, Marianne Jones. “I think her Kardasihan former step-children have really gotten to her, and now she wants to be just like them. She’s even talking about transitioning back into a man! I mean, she was on the cover of Vogue, now she could go back and be on the cover of Men’s Health!”

‘Zen Diet’ Helps You To Lose Weight By Balancing Your Body’s Chi

zen

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Zen cooking is reported to be a new diet fad that actually works.

The goal is to balance your chi using the five elements, earth, air, fire, water, and metal. Jon Sandifer lays out the somewhat complicated diet plan in his book, Zen and the Art of Cooking.

“It is unwise to use too many blues in the kitchen as that represents the element water,” says Sandifer’s book. “Green and browns have a better effect on the chi.” Other rules according to Zen include never eating under fluorescent lighting and cooking near right-angles, like those of most cabinetry.

“The yin and yang must be kept in balance, which means one does not eat too many yin ingredients like meat and grains, or excessive yang ingredients including mushrooms and greens,” said Sandifer. “It’s a really simple routine, and it works.”

Simon Richard, who claims to have lost 50 pounds with Zen cooking, explains the secret to Empire News. “Going through all the rules is so frustrating, often times I give up on the idea of eating and do something else entirely. It really and truly is a diet that works.”

New Drug ‘Kratom’ Kills Teenager In Massachusetts

kraddum

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – 

Tiffany Maestras lost her son Lawrence to a drug she did not even know existed, and now, she wants to warn other parents about Kratom.

Erowid.com classifies Kratom as a stimulant, depressant, and intoxicant, which to teens looking for a high spells “fun, fun, fun.”

“The leaves are chewed as an opiate substitute and stimulant in Thailand and South-East Asia, primarily among the working class. It has a relatively long history of human use,” said doctor Jeff Myers. “To teenagers, this means it must be safe enough. Why not give it a whirl?”

Teen user Dave says, “It’s easier than trying to find someone to buy you beer. The only thing is you have to wait 2-3 weeks for your order to come in. The high is fucking tit, though.”

Maestras says her son overdosed when he was dared to do the “Kratom Challenge.” He made a strong tea by boiling an entire package of Kratom. After it cools, they chug the tea followed by a case of beer.

“All the kids are going to be doing it now that they find out someone got so high they died,” says Maestras. “I know how kids are. They’re stupid, and they’ll try anything. I mean hell, look at the Cinnamon challenge. Dumb.”

‘Cereal Face’ Is The Internet’s Latest Viral Trend

cereal

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

People have always, and will always, do the stupidest things just to get a little notoriety on the internet. A new challenge, dubbed “cereal face,” is the latest to join the trend of bizarre and dumb things people do to themselves and post it online.

“Cereal Face was something I started to bring awareness to premature ejaculation,” said Tommy Rogers, a University of Alabama student who was recently expelled, and is now living in Boston. “I cum extremely fast. It’s a pretty bad disorder, but I just can’t help it. I figured, what better way to bring attention to this medical issue than to glue cereal to my face, so that’s what I did.”

Rogers says that he wants to help raise money for doctors to discover ways that he can hold back his ejaculations for longer periods.

“Gluing cereal to my face was supposed to be some deep metaphor, but people have taken it to extremes, and I think the point is getting lost now,” said Rogers. “Sexy women are doing it just for fun. Sexy women don’t prematurely ejaculate, so they really don’t need to be doing this. It’s kind of embarrassing, really.”

The original Cereal Face video has been viewed more than 2.6 million times on YouTube, and Rogers has says he’s taken the $4.97 he’s made from Google Ad revenue and donated it to McDonald’s in exchange for a cheeseburger and a Coca-cola.

Teen Drowns While Stuck Inside Condom After Performing Internet Challenge

condom

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A 17-year-old teen was reportedly killed performing yet another stupid internet stunt, this one involving condoms filled with water. The “condom challenge,” designed, apparently, to prove that no guy is actually “too big” to wear a condom, involved filling a condom with an excessive amount of water, and then dropping it onto a participant’s head.

“Jessica Moore and her friend, Theresa Jones, were reportedly filming themselves performing the ‘condom challenge,’ and Jessica was killed in the processes, drowning when the condom filled with liquid got stuck around her head,” said police chief Larry Whittum. “This is a stupid and dangerous challenge that has no real merit. Everyone knows that condoms can fit any size penis, and filling a rubber with water and dropping it on someone’s head is not going to bring awareness to anything.”

Police caution that the Condom Challenge can lead to serious injury or, as is the case with poor Jessica Moore, death.

“We strongly advise teens to not perform this challenge, and to certainly not record it and post it online,” said Whittum. “You’re just going to continue to breed other stupid challenges performed by other stupid people like yourselves.”

A sample video of the Condom Challenge. Luckily, this girl survived with only a soaked shirt. Not all will be so lucky. Video contains coarse language.

‘No Shave November’ To Roll Into ‘Decorative Beard December’

beard

SAN FRANSISCO, California – 

Hipsters everywhere rejoice! Once November has run its course, you do not have to shave your tragically un-cool facial hair. Instead, you can join with dozens of other hair men by partaking in Decorative Beard December, a new trend sweeping the nation.

“I plan to decorate my beard with garland and little ornaments,” said bearded man Joe Goldsmith. “It will be fantastic. I think, somehow, there is a cause involved? I have no idea, though. Who cares? I just want an excuse to grow a beard.”

Many men forgo shaving throughout the month of November, a movement originally referred to as Movember, a way to bring awareness to men’s health issues, such as testicular cancer.

“I knew there was some sort of cause!” said Goldsmith, when he was told why he wasn’t shaving in the first place. “Frankly, I just do the No Shave November thing because my wife bitches if I try to grow out facial hair any other time of the year. She, like most sane women, hate beards. I’m glad now that there is a reason to keep the beard through December.”

“I plan on spray painting my beard green, and sprinkling some glitter into it,” said hipster Franz Silver. “It will look very beautiful, no doubt about it. Man, I sure do love a reason to do what every living man can do, and grow out a disgusting beard. Thanks, Christmas!”

Starbucks Gives In To Criticism, Releases Jesus Christ Cups

starbucks

SEATTLE, Washington – 

Starbucks has curiously been under a slew of controversy in recent weeks after releasing holiday-themed cups with no actual theme; the company simply opted to do a solid red cup through the holiday season.

“Honestly, we don’t get what everyone is so mad about,” said Starbucks CEO Jim Starbuck. “I mean, we never had Christmas-themed cups, really. We had snowflakes. We had ornaments. It’s not like we ever put the Christ into Christmas with our cup images, so how the hell these ignorant Christians think we’re taking it out now, I’ll never know.”

Despite the company’s stand on how ignorant most of their customers seem to be, they did decide to release more Jesus-centric cups for the holidays.

“Regardless of the fact that people care what the hell the cup that their shitty, burnt coffee comes in, we have decided that the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong,” said Starbuck. “That’s why we’re putting out these Jesus-y cups, depicting Christ on the cross, a holy-looking Jesus, and Jesus as he appeared in the film The Passion of the Christ – all bloody and beaten. That one is my personal favorite.”

The cups will hit stores immediately, according to Starbucks.

“Maybe now everyone will shut the fuck up and start worrying about something that matters,” said Starbuck.

New DEA Leader Chuck Rosenberg Says Weed ‘Not As Dangerous As Heroin,’ Other Things That Are Also Stupid And Obvious

DEA

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Recently appointed DEA leader Chuck Rosenberg says that he won’t admit that marijuana isn’t harmful, because for some reason he “thinks it is,” but did go on record as saying that he believes it’s “probably not as dangerous as heroin.”

In his long list of things that Rosenberg presented before congress, he also mentioned that the sky is generally blue, and that bacon is delicious.

“Sex feels absolutely amazing, and a water keeps you hydrated,” said Rosenberg, presumably. “Also, the North Pole is very cold, and the number 10 follows the number 9. Cheese is made of milk, and chickens lay eggs.”

In a recent study conducted on people who smoke marijuana, 100% of the participants said they found it to be “good,” and most admitted that it was “not harmful.” Several of the people researched happened to have medical degrees and backgrounds in the study on the effects of THC on the human body. Everyone questioned seemed to think that Rosenberg may not be qualified to speak about drugs.

“Has he smoked weed? Has he tried any other drugs?” asked habitual pot smoker Bob Smith. “I mean, he can’t really go on record and talk about drugs if he hasn’t tried them, can he? I’ve never tried skydiving, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on it. I’ll start taking advice from Rosenberg on the day he comes and smokes a giant blunt with me. Then he can go before congress and tell them exactly how harmful weed really is…or isn’t.”

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