University of New Hampshire To Close; Schools Deems Everything ‘Too Offensive’

UNH

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

After an internet firestorm was ignited over the University of New Hampshire releasing a “language guide” that lists the word ‘American’ as offensive, it seems as though the entire school system in the Granite State has decided to shut down permanently, finding that it is better to not teach the students at all in such an offensive environment.

“We decided it was best for the students of UNH to not learn anything at all than be forced to sit through classes, walk through campuses, eat school lunches, or attend school events that may be construed as ‘offensive,'” said Dean of Students Geraldine Charles. “The term ‘American’ was found offensive by at least one student, so we made a note of it in our language guide. Then, other students were offended that someone was offended. Then even more students were offended that those first students were offended, and soon, all we had was one big group of angry students who were more focused on being upset by something than learning about anything.”

“According to statistics, at least 1 out of every 2 people find every single post on the internet offensive, whether that be a picture of a cat, or a political statement, or a thought about a recent film,” said Dr. Joseph Thomas, who studies what people find offensive, and their overreactions to everything, at his offices at Cambridge. “Frankly, there is nothing at this point that someone, somewhere, won’t find offensive. And honestly, if we’re getting right down to brass tacks, that to me is pretty damn offensive.”

The University of New Hampshire may not be the only school to close its doors, after schools in New Mexico, Arizona, Delaware, and Georgia have also found that their idiot students may or may not get offended over everyday, casual concepts, words, and ideas, too.

Prenatal IQ Test Developed – Find Out How Smart (Or Dumb) Your Baby Will Be

Prenatal IQ Test Developed - Find Out How Smart (Or Dumb) Your Baby Will Be

DUNEDIN, New Zealand – 

What if you could tell how smart your baby would be while still in the womb? Doctors in New Zealand have begun administering prenatal tests that not only screen for chromosomal disorders like Downs Syndrome, but they can give expecting parents an idea how intelligent their baby is likely to be.

Louis Barnett, lead scientist behind the new test stresses the test is important so parents are aware their child has the predilection to be stupid as early as possible. “There’s always hope. It’s important to understand there are many factors that contribute to a person’s intellectual potential, and genes are only one. A person’s intelligence is affected by nurture, in the womb and throughout childhood. Even if the genetics aren’t the best, the right environment can maximize a child’s potential.

Our goal is ultimately to advance the technology so parents can tell as early as two months.”

When asked whether they were concerned this type of testing would lead to more parents selecting to abort less than perfect embryos, Barnett replied that he is pro-choice. “If a woman decides to abort the dummy before it’s too late, that should be her choice. Ethically, doctors would not sway patients one way or the other.”

Teams of pro-choice advocates in the US hope this technology will be helpful in developing tests to detect Republicans in the womb.

Adding Suffix ‘Gate’ To End Of Word Doesn’t Automatically Make It A Scandal

 

Adding Suffix 'Gate' To End Of Word Doesn't Automatically Make It A ScandalWASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a new study by the Department Of Internet Relations, the word ‘gate’ has appeared more frequently online in the last year than ever before, as media and news outlets have begun adding the suffix to anything that they wanted to make seem more important or newsworthy.

“Gamergate, Shirtgate, Bridgegate, Flowergate, RiotGate, and more have appeared in national headlines over the last year and a half, and none of the incidents that were being reported were ever really that important,” said DIR spokesman Rick Facts. “Yes, some trolls got made at girls in gaming on the internet. Yes, some scientist wore a shirt with naked women on it. So what? Those things are not important. They’re barely even newsworthy, but – through the ‘gate’ on the end, and you’ve got a big thing, at least according to the media.”

Watergate, the scandal during President Nixon’s time in office that lead to him eventually stepping down from office, is the first major news story to feature the ‘gate’ suffix, but in a slightly different context – the hotel that the name references was actually called the Watergate, they didn’t add it on to make the scandal more important.

“That’s the difference between then and now,” said Facts. “Watergate was a real scandal, and a real securities issue. These things now, these people – they just throw ‘gate’ onto the end of a word and they want it to become the next big thing. Sorry, no. Feminists and internet trolls will never be to the level of a government cover-up, no matter what word you call it.”

Facts says that people should be forced to just call these things what they are – non-news.

“I hope someday that people will stop calling everything ‘whatevergate’ just to make it seem scandalous. For crying out loud, just report the news, and stop being stupid.”

Ferguson, Missouri: ‘Well, At Least It’s Not Us Burning Again’

Ferguson, Missouri: ‘Well, At Least It’s Not Us Burning Again’

FERGUSON, Missouri –

As the city of Baltimore is slowly destroyed by looters, vandals, idiots, and thieves looking for a quick score, many people throughout the community of Ferguson, Missouri, say that they are just “extremely glad” that it’s not happening to them again.

“Everyone knows that the riots have nothing to do with this or that black kid getting killed by the cops,” said Joanne Reynolds, of Ferguson. “It’s about getting a free TV or that new weave. Racial injustice is the last thing on the mind of anyone who is out there grabbing a new Macbook as they burn down the Apple store.”

“Honestly, I’m just really glad that some other city is burning and it’s not happening to us again,” said Rick Hardon, also of Ferguson. “It was crazy that shit that happened here, but you know, we’re rebuilding our community. Baltimore will, too.”

Not everyone in Ferguson is happy that another city is slowly being destroyed, though.

“It’s an outrage, seriously, just insane!” said Jamal Clemens. “I really want there to be another death at the hands of police, because I only got me one TV and a PS4 last time we had them riots. But all my bros got the Xbox One, so I gotta get one of them. I ain’t got shit for money, though, so I gotta loot and shit. Freddie Grey was a loser and drug dealer and a plague on his community. Ain’t no one really giving a shit that he’s dead, are they? Hell no. They trying to get free stuff! We gotta have that happen again here in the Ferg.”

 

 

 

Woman Terrified of Being Raped Has Her Vagina Surgically Sewn Shut

Woman Terrified of Being Raped Has Her Vagina Sewn Shut

BOISE, Idaho – 

A college Sophomore in Idaho has reportedly had her vagina sewn shut by a cosmetic surgeon, after she learned about rape statistics in one of her courses.

“Did you know that 1 in 3 women will be raped or sexually assaulted in her lifetime?” said college Sophomore Desiree Price, 20. “Statistically speaking, I am even more likely to be that 1 in 3, since I’m super hot and often walk along through the campus late at night on my way back from my stripper job. So I knew something had to be done.”

Price says she originally started by carrying mace in her purse, but still didn’t feel safe enough.

“I took self defense classes, bought a gun, learned to shoot – but still, nothing was making me feel safe. I knew some guy, at some point, was going to rape me. Every guy will rape if given the opportunity, that’s a fact. I learned it in my Current State of Feminism class. So, I took a drastic step.”

Price says she never wanted to have kids, so she had no reason to have an open vagina.

“I went ahead and had my ovaries and my tubes all completely removed. I no longer have a menses every month. They have built a small, tube like funnel made of skin taken from my calf, and attached it to my urethra so it sticks out, sort of like a penis I guess. I can still reach my clit so that guys who I want to touch me can touch it, or like, whatever, and I can touch it, but that’s it. If a guy tries to stick his thing in there, he’s going to be pleasantly surprised to find that there’s nowhere to stick it.”

According to Price’s mother, Victoria, she’s “very proud” of her daughter for doing what she needs to do to protect herself.

“Desiree has always been a smart girl, and knows what she wants,” said Victoria from her home in Phoenix, Arizona. “If she wants to cosmetically close her V, that’s her business. I’m just happy to know she’ll be safe from penetration from here on out.”

Price’s step-father, George Durkee, says he thinks his step-daughter is a complete and total moron.

“The dumb bitch still has another hole down there to get penetrated if some unlucky guy decides to rape her,” said Durkee. “If there’s any hole she should have had plugged, it’s that one in her face. The only thing I’m grateful for is that she can no longer breed. Amen to that!”

25 Dead In Crazy Plane Crash In Taiwan, Footage Caught On Camera – You Won’t Believe The Cause!

Dash Cam

TAIPEI, Taiwan – 

A pilot who was flying a jet full of passengers crashed almost immediately after takeoff yesterday, with the plane landing in the middle of Taipei, narrowly missing the freeway, and crashing into offices and homes.

Taiwan airline officials, who are normally very reserved on speaking to the American press, said that they would like people to know that it was all about pilot error, and not to blame the airline.

“We want everyone to know that our airline is very safe. Always safe,” said airline spokesman Kim Ho. “We are not like Malaysia airlines. Our passengers always get to their destination safely. No crashes. Planes never go missing. This was all because the pilot fell asleep on takeoff. That’s not normal, though. Seriously, we are not Malaysia airlines. Please, please…keep flying with us.”

According to Ho, the pilot may have nodded off while trying to bring the plane into the air.

“The pilot was up too late. He likes to party! Maybe he was drinking? I don’t know. We have not found black box yet, so we can’t know. Pilot also had bad allergies, and looking at online video, maybe he just sneezed really hard, and plane went down. He just not as good at plane flying as Denzel Washington. Denzel can fly drunk and on cocaine. This pilot, he suck at flying.” said Ho. “But, don’t worry, it was not terrorist, or any sort of supernatural thing, or government shooting us down, no no. Not like Malaysia airlines. This was just pilot. He is stupid pilot, that’s all. That’s all. Most of our pilots, they not as stupid as this one. Trust us!”

The airline says that they are offering discounted flying rates over the next few months to encourage people to continue to use their airlines.

“We will give great deals now, on tickets,” said Ho. “Please, please. Fly with us still. Try us! We will get you where you want to go, and we will get you there safe. Accidents happen sometime, but this just once. We have good cookies and sodas when you fly with us. Movies too, like Dr. Dolittle and Con Air. Come, give a try. You’ll love us. We’re not Malaysia Airlines. Please fly!”

 

Drake Announces Engagement To Nicki Minaj; Singer Says She’ll ‘Knock Diddy The F— Out’

MIAMI, Florida – Drake Announces Engagement To Nicki Minaj; Singer Says She'll 'Knock Diddy The F--- Out'

Just days after a physical altercation between hip-hop heavyweights Drake and Diddy, Drake announced through his publicist, Lolita Valazquez, that he and Nicki Minaj are engaged. The rapper reportedly proposed to Nicki while in Miami earlier this week and “she said yes!” according to Valazquez.

D-Rock Morton, of the hip-hop publication The New Beat, interviewed Valazquez via telephone to confirm the engagement news. While he had her on the line, he asked about the beef between Drake and Diddy.

“It is obviously a legal matter, but I can tell you, producer Boi-1DA gave both of them a song, titled ‘0 to 100,’ and Diddy hadn’t done anything with it for months. So naturally, Drake decided to use it for himself. As you now know, the song was a huge hit for Drake. It seems that Diddy had his pride hurt, and because he’s a little bitch, it led to the altercation. That’s all I can say about the issue,” Valazquez commented.

Later in the day, Nicki Minaj did a radio interview on WFTBThe Mix! in Clearwater, Florida, confirming the engagement. She  initially spoke of how she cannot wait to marry her ‘best friend,’ but the interview quickly turned in an abrupt, and angry, direction.

“If Diddy wants to cry like a bitch because Drake recorded a song [Diddy] couldn’t even have done in the first place, then that motherf—– needs to just give it up. I tell ya what though, I will knock that old fool the f— out, believe that. Ain’t nobody gonna disrespect my bae that way. Diddy needs to apologize, or he’ll have to deal with me. That’s all I got to say about that,” Minaj told a stunned WFTB DJ.

With all that has transpired, the hip-hop community is reeling, and industry insiders are expecting some big shit to pop off between the rappers at any time. For now, fans should expect several diss-tracks to emerge after the new year.

 

USDA Warning: Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

WASHINGTON, D.C. – USDA Warning- Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

A joint statement released today from the USDA and the FDA discusses new information, based on several years of research, that proves that a gluten-free diet, done solely on a pretentious, bandwagon-style mentality, will give you cancer.

Researchers and medical staff at the Wyatt Institute in Clearwater, Michigan say that they have been working on the effects of a gluten-free diet on people who do not have Celiac Disease or other wheat and gluten allergies. According to reports, their discovery was ‘surprising.’

“We’ve known for many, many years that persons with Celiac Disease should have a gluten-free or extremely low-gluten diet,” said Dr. Marvin Sheer, of the Wyatt Institute. “Those people need to eat a special diet so as not to become extremely ill. Over the last few years, though, many people are jumping onto a ‘gluten-free’ diet bandwagon, because for some strange reason they think that gluten is bad for them. It’s not, by the way. Plus, it’s part of nearly everything that you eat.”

Gluten is a substance present in cereal grains, especially wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. It is found, in one shape or form, in everything from cereals to sliced bread, pastas, and even crackers.

“What our study concluded is that these people, who just decided to go ‘gluten-free’ because it’s the fad, or because they think it will help them lose weight, are not getting enough gluten in their diets. This, by the way, can already be an unhealthy option. But heck, wouldn’t you know it, we discovered that it also gives these people cancer – brain cancer, to be precise,” said Sheer.

“What happens is, these people, they stop eating gluten, because it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do. It’s hip. They read about going ‘gluten-free’ on Facebook, and they have to try it. After all, their friend Jeanne lost 2 pounds going gluten-free,” said Professor Charles DeWitt. “These poor people, though, when they go gluten-free just because everyone else is, they forget to use their brains, and the less you use your brain, the more likely you are to develop a cancer in it. If you’ve been gluten-free for more than 15 minutes, and you don’t have Celiac Disease, chances are you are on your way to having brain cancer as we speak.”

Dr. Sheer says that people with Celiac Disease have nothing to worry about, though.

“If you have an actual, medical reason that you should stay away from gluten, keep doing it. Our research shows that in your case, you are using your brain by following sound medical advice,” said Sheer. “If anything, not eating the gluten might make your brain more powerful. We’re still working on that study, though.”

Sheer suggests that anyone who is currently on a gluten-free diet unnecessarily to stop immediately, and to just ‘eat your damn food like a normal person’, especially if you’re out at a restaurant.

“You’ll make every waitress, cook, and other restaurant employees happier if you do, because I’ll just tell you this right now – it’s 100% impossible for a restaurant to cook you a gluten-free meal. Don’t be pretentious. Order that fried chicken, and enjoy. And don’t forget to tip!”

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.