Madonna Exposes Deviant Sex Acts No One Wants to Know Any More

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Madonna has once again exposed details of her deviant sexual acts, this time with no prompting or interest from the general public. The powerful superstar has released lude details of her private life over the course of her incredibly long career, usually to great excitement from Christian men in particular. This time, critics are saying she’s too old to be anything but repulsive to most sexually active persons.

“Madonna still retains her high level of significance,” said Bishop John Kemp. “But these sex books and tapes and interviews she keeps doing – well, they’re getting a bit much. The first time she did it was exciting. The first ever woman to be impregnated by God. Now it’s gotten old, along with her wrinkled skin and decomposing nose.”

The latest revelations were released in a detailed interview with Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Watchtower publication. They described her and God doing it in a number of never before seen ways – positions and actions that are impossible for most mortal beings.

“Her loyalty to the deity is remarkable,” said theologian Mark Walters. “Over the past two millennia, she’s remained the Virgin Mary, keeping all her sexual activity on a higher plane. It’s an inspiration to us all in this time of free love and rampant divorce. However, in my experience Christian leaders do not take well to hearing about the sexual deviance of their God.”

And the response from priests and ministers around the world has proved his sentiments to not be unfounded.

“I’m quickly losing respect for Mother Mary,” said one cardinal of the Catholic Church. “She’s our martyr and, although her initial encounters with the Lord Above gave us inspiration and hope, now she’s just undermining his name. I don’t want to know that he likes to create a vagina for himself out of nothing and let her stick her hand inside. No one needs to know that information.”

The deity however stood up for his long term lover, stating that His virility should be something that mortals can aspire to, and that the Virgin Mary should be acknowledged for her sexual prowess.

Luke Bryan Cancels ‘Kick Up The Dust’ Tour Over A Pair Of Jeans

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

According to his record label, country superstar Luke Bryan has cancelled several recently announced dates on his upcoming ‘Kick Up The Dust’ tour. Manager John Deere say that Bryan is ‘too distraught’ to perform because he has experienced ‘severe loss,’ in the form of a rip in his favorite pair of blue jeans.

“This was not my kind of night, not at all,” said Bryan. “I was Doin’ My Thing you know – Drinkin’ Beer and Wastin’ Bullets. I like to do that during Harvest Time. Anyhow, I slipped down a muddy hill and ripped the crotch right out of my favorite pair of blue jeans! Man, I can’t even tell you how much of a Buzzkill it was. Those blue jeans are my signature trademark!

According to his record label, Bryan plans to push back the tour dates until a time when he is able to find a pair of jeans the comfortable replace his old ones.

“These were obviously not a good buy. I’ll stick with Levis next time,” said Bryan. “I know I’m going to disappoint a couple of fans, but they know that I’ll come around and Play It Again sometime soon. I’m a Country Man through-and-through, and I won’t let anything completely Crash My Party. Roller Coaster.”

Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo Reveals Shocking Strange Addictions, Pre-Game Superstitions

Posted on December 19, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Star NFL quarterback Tony Romo recently revealed some deep, dark secrets during a radio interview on the Jay Mohr Show, when on the topic of superstitions and pre-game rituals was brought up by the host.

When asked about his strange pre-game preparations and superstitions, Romo, 34, told Mohr that he goes through a regimen every game day and has kept the routine secret all his life, until now.

“This is really embarrassing. I’ve never told anyone this before, but – Well, the first thing I do when I wake up on a game day [at home] is throw a dozen raw eggs against the wall outside on my patio,” said Romo. “I’m serious, it feels great to do. Then I sit with a glass of orange juice, and watch as my housekeepers clean up the egg mess. I do feel bad about that part, but they make a great salary, and they’re used to it by now.”

Professional athletes have been doing strange things since the dawn of sports when it comes to pre-game superstitions. Michael Jordan recently told Sports Illustrated writer Carmine Sheckles that he urinated on a brand new pair of his shoes, which he would later go on to wear in that night’s game. In another oddball pre-game superstition ritual, former New Orleans Saints and Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams told Sports News Daily that he use to lick the carpet at home, or whatever hotel he was staying at, before walking out the door on the way to a game.

“I know it sounds weird, but maybe me coming out about my weird behaviors will help others who to know they are not alone in their weird behaviors,” continued Romo, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “Ok. So, the other thing is – well, every day since I was 5 or 6 years old, I have chewed on a Barbie doll while taking a shower. Something about the texture, or the type of plastic they use, I’m very addicted to. I keep them until they’re falling apart, then I throw the doll away and get a new one. God, it feels good to finally say that out loud.”

“It took a lot of guts to say what he said when he was on my show,” said Mohr, speaking of the interview the following day. “I estimate that the sales of Barbie dolls and eggs are going to go up dramatically among teens and young adults who want to be like their idol.”

Cable channel TLC has reportedly reached out to Romo in a request to appear on their documentary-series My Strange Addiction.