Donald Trump Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Remove ‘Pussy Neck’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has apparently undergone cosmetic surgery to remove what is affectionately known as his “pussy neck,” because the flappy, old man folds under his chin form into an uncanny resemblance of a woman’s vagina.

“The President is actually extremely self-conscious, as you can well imagine, and he has seen the jokes, the memes, and he doesn’t like them,” said a White House representative. “President Trump has scheduled a surgery to remove the extra skin around his neck, and get an overall face lift.”

President Trump said that he is “very excited” to have the procedure completed, and that it wouldn’t cost the taxpayers “very much at all.”

“I, for one, think that he should keep his floppy twat neck skin,” said Vice President Mike Pence. “Every time I look at him right now, I’m always ‘Thinkin’ Arby’s.’ I don’t really want that to change, but I guess what’s good for him is good for us all.”

Marilyn Manson Has Surgery To Replace Ribs, Says He’s Done Sucking His Own Penis

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

If you don’t know anything about shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, you at least have probably heard two things – one, he is responsible for the shootings at Columbine High School, and two, he had two of his lower ribs removed so that he could give himself oral sex.

A surgeon in Los Angeles has said that the rock star, now 47, approached him last year to have the ribs replaced, claiming that he “no longer needs to suck his own dick.”

“A few weeks ago, I performed surgery on Mr. Manson and replaced his two lower, removed ribs with new, stainless, surgical steel ribs,” said the surgeon, who wishes to remain anonymous. “This is an easy procedure, and Mr. Manson was able to be in and out of the hospital in one, quick overnight stay.”

The surgeon says that Manson will be slightly sore, but should not have difficulties performing.

Manson himself said that he is glad to have his ribs back, and he wishes he never removed them in the first place.

“I feel whole again, and it’s a great feeling,” said Manson. “I came up with the idea of removing them while I was high, and since I’ve been sober for awhile, I realized that sucking my own dick is overrated, and I wanted to have the ribs replaced. Now I can get back to more important things, like focusing on making my new record, which is basically like sucking my own dick anyway.”

Woman To Receive World’s First Cat Eye Transplant

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POMONA VALLEY, California –

After a vicious attack, Cheryl Wrigley thought she would never see again. Although she could not afford a traditional human eye transplant, she now hopes she will see again after being selected for an experimental cat’s eye transplant.

The rods and cones of a cat’s eye are quite different from humans, meaning Cheryl’s color vision will be altered, but she will be able to see better at night. Researchers at Pomona Valley Hospital Medical Center’s experimental unit are interested to find out exactly how her perception changes.

Because cats have ultra-violet transparent lenses, unlike humans, UV light will reach her retina, potentially allowing her to see more of the light spectrum than any other person has. Scientists are unsure whether her brain will be able to process the UV light in the same way a cat’s brain will, and are interested to see if this works.

“I always thought about getting like some cat’s eye contacts. I’m going to look so sexy after my operation,” says Wrigley. Although a cat’s eyeball is significantly smaller than a humans, Wrigley will receive plastic surgery to alter her face and make the rest of her features proportional.

Man With Teeth On Outside Of Face Says ‘At Least I Don’t Have Cavities’

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PEIKING, China – 

Pang Wok has a rare condition that has caused his teeth to grow outwards, through his lips and gums, appearing on the outside of his face. Although doctors say that with plastic surgery and careful extraction they could fix most of Mr. Wok’s issues, he seems completely un-phased by his condition.

“I have always been like this, so no need to change anything now,” said Wok, 52. “I do not have cavities, I can still chew, so there’s not much to complain about. I am who I am and that all that I am.”

Wok says that many doctors from all over the world have offered to correct his tooth issues free of charge, but even then, Wok claims that he’s not interested.

“What’s the point? Everyone I know has seen me, they’ve grown used to it,” said Wok. “If I changed the way I look now, what would my family say? What would my wife say? They know me in this way. I am happy enough, even if I look strange. Besides, all of my patients think it’s hilarious.”

Wok has been a practicing dentist for over 20 years.

Woman Spends Over $200k On Plastic Surgery To Look Like Her Dog

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BRIARVILLE, Georgia – 

A Georgia woman, Samantha Kenner, has reportedly spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on plastic surgery in an attempt to look like her dog, Ben.

“Ben and I have been together since I was 14,” said Kenner, now 30. “He’s an old dog, but he’s loyal, and I love him to death. I wanted to look more like him to show my support and appreciation for how loving he’s been.”

Kenner says she first got the idea to have the surgeries after she watched a TV show about a man who had spent his life savings on trying to look like Superman.

“I figured that if he could do that, I could look like a dog,” said Kenner. “It started out small – a tuck here, a snip there, some fur added and other hair removed, but in the end, I think I look beautiful. And now, when Ben sees me after I come home from a long day at work, it’s way less awkward when he humps my leg, because even though I may still be mostly human, I feel way more like his bitch.”

Man Who Was Born With Hand Coming Out of Foot Can’t Decide Which To Keep

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DENVER, Colorado –

A Denver man, Joe Goldsmith, 30, is stuck at a crossroads of a major decision. Goldsmith was born with a hand coming out of his leg just above his foot, and doctors are saying that having both is causing severe issues with nerves in the area, and he has to choose which to keep.

“Honestly, most people have been telling me to keep the foot, which seems like the obvious choice,” said Goldsmith. “Problem is, if I had a hand down there instead, think of how many more things I could do super easily. Rock climbing, for example. I’d have way better grip. Or say I drop something and don’t want to bend over? It would be way easier having fingers down there.”

Doctors say that they are leaving the choice entirely up to Goldsmith, and that they will abide by whichever choice he makes.

“No skin off my ass if he wants a hand where his foot should be,” said surgeon Richard Kimball. “All I know is I wish he’d hurry up and decide. I have a tee-off at 5pm, and I don’t want to miss it.”

Young Boy Obsessed With Kardashians Has Lip Injections To Look Like His Heroes

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A 9-year-old boy who is obsessed with the Kardashian family has undergone surgery to have injections placed in his lips so he can more resemble the family who he calls his “heroes.”

“The Kardashians are so pretty, and they’re so liked and they’re on TV,” said Jimmy Moyer, 9. “I love them. I like to watch them get into fights and do silly things. But mostly, I love how pretty their faces are, and their lips. They’re so big!”

Jimmy’s mother, Marie, 30, says that he has been bugging her to get lip injections ever since he saw an ad on TV for plastic surgery.

“He’d run up to me at 6 or 7 years old, yelling ‘Mommy, I want Kardy lips! I want Kardy lips!’ That’s what he said before he could say Kardashian,” said Marie. “He’s been itching for big, blowjob-style lips for years. Finally, I relented.”

It was reportedly a difficult task to find a plastic surgeon willing to inject a child’s lips with collagen, so Marie resorted to a Mexican surgeon who she says “barely spoke a word of English, but was very grateful to take American money.”

Now, she says, Jimmy is happier than he’s ever been.

“Oh man, I love my big lips. All my friends at school think I’m so cool. Everyone wants to kiss me,” said Jimmy. “I let them. For twenty-five cents, I will let anyone kiss me, boys or girls!”

“He’s definitely on the right track to becoming a Kardashian,” said Marie.

Lindsay Lohan Sues Doctor After Botched Plastic Surgery

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Representatives for Lindsay Lohan say that the star is planning a lawsuit against her former plastic surgeon, who reportedly botched her most recent “lip stretching” surgery, causing her face to be a wide open hole.

“Ms. Lohan request that her lips and mouth be slightly stretched, and the doctor presumably thought she wanted her face to be a gaping hole, or at the very least, that was the end result,” said Lohan’s publicist. “We are seeking legal action against her former surgeon, Dr. Larry Clarke, immediately.”

According to Dr. Clarke, though, he isn’t worried.

“Lindsay has had work done by me several times, including her eyes, breasts, and buttocks, and she was always happy with the result,” said Dr. Clarke. “Then she comes to me recently and says, ‘Doc, make my lips up here look like my lips down there,’ and points to her crotch. So, I did my best to make sure her face lips were as wide apart as her vaginal lips. I think it was a job well done.”

Lawyers for Lohan are reportedly being obtained, with a suit expected to be filed next week.

AMA Says They Are Removing Fibromyalgia From Official List of Medical Diagnoses

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

The American Medical Association has released new information about the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, saying that they no longer believe that the disease actually exists.

“The doctors of the American Medical Association are constantly studying and working to research new and existing conditions, and over the year, Fibromyalgia has been a constant area of strife between medical professionals,” said AMA chairman Dr. Richard Kimball. “While many doctors claim that Fibromyalgia is a real disorder, after decades of study, we have decided to remove it from the official list of medical diagnoses, as research has proven that it does not actually exist.”

Although doctors generally agree that the pain experience by patients diagnosed with Fibromyalgia is very real, the actual reason behind it is not. As muscles, joints, and many other body parts contain a type of “memory,” it is believed now to be past or prior pain, both emotional or actual, physical injury, that causes the extreme discomfort suffered by Fibromyalgia patients.

“Fibromyalgia is basically a cop-out, if you will, for undiagnosable pain,” said Dr. Kimball. “When a doctor cannot find a reasonable explanation for the extreme pain suffered by a patient, they deem it Fibro, and that’s just not right. We need to further examine the causes of these pains. The muscles, the nerves, the bones – they all play a part in our health, as well as our frailty. Writing off phantom pains as a single disease is not only foolish, it could cause further harm to a patient who is not properly treated.”

According to Dr. Kimball, people currently being treated for Fibromyalgia should schedule a new appointment with their physicians and discuss alternative options. Currently, patients who receive disability benefits from the government after being diagnosed with extreme cases of Fibromyalgia will not be affected, although patients currently awaiting benefits will be denied claims.

 

Caitlyn Jenner To Have Fetus Surgically Implanted

jenner

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In an exclusive interview with Newsmonth Magazine last week, Caitlyn Jenner says that she is interested in taking the next step in becoming a woman. Although Jenner has clearly undertaken several surgeries to change the look of her face, she has reportedly stopped short of some of the “larger” surgeries one would undergo to fully transition from man to woman. Apparently, though, this hasn’t stopped Jenner from jumping a few steps, and going straight into surgical implantation of a fetus.

“I don’t know where they’re putting it just yet,” said Jenner to Newsmonth. “There are some scientific things to work out, and there are some biological things that we’re working out, but at my age and with my birth-assigned gender, going through a surgery to have a fetus implanted is the only way I can become a mom.”

“I have no idea why Dad…Mom…Caitlyn…I have no idea why the person formally known as Bruce Jenner would want to go through a pregnancy, or whatever this would be, at his…her…aw hell, I don’t know what pronoun to use,” said Jenner’s son Joey Jenner. “The hell with it. This entire idea is stupid, every bit of it. I’m okay with Dad becoming a woman; whatever, it’s his…ugh, it’s her life. But this is just stupid. What a health risk.”

Doctors say that there is no logical reason they can’t implant Jenner with a fetus, they just also have to implant a uterus, a bunch of other “internal organ” type things, and possibly a birth canal and a vagina.

“I think that Caitlyn Jenner is a marvel of the modern age,” said Dr. Harris Millstead, Jenner’s surgeon. “Bruce Jenner was an Olympian, and he was on a Wheaties box. Caitlyn Jenner won an ESPY and was on the cover of Vanity Fair. Obviously, Jenner has lived a life more full than anyone in the history of the universe. If she wants a baby, then by the powers of medical science, I will give her a damn baby.”

“Frankly, I wish we could just stop talking about her all together,” said Fred Myers, a random person we questioned on the street. “Who cares? Why is Jenner a hero for doing with thousands and thousands of other people did before her? Why is she winning awards for ‘courage’ when she hasn’t done anything courageous? Oh, because her PR team worked out a deal with ABC and ESPN for her to get that award on TV. That’s right. Just like everything else in Hollywood, Caitlyn Jenner is all about packaging herself. This will make for a great episode of I Am Caitlin, that’s obvious.”

Truer words were never spoken.

 

 

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