Internet To Shut Down On April 2nd For Routine Maintenance

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Congress Shoots Down Net Neutrality, Passes Internet Usage Tax

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California –

The entire internet throughout the entire world will be shut down for routine maintenance on April 2nd, for what officials say will be approximately 12 hours.

“This is the first time we’ve had to do this since the internet was created, but approximately every 30 years or so, we need to take the entire internet offline for awhile so that we can make routine updates to the servers, wires, and networks,” said White House Technology Staffer Joe Goldsmith. “The US Government is working closely with private agencies in this country to make sure that all internet and bandwith meet a certain standard. Similar measures will be taking place throughout the rest of the world at the same time.”

According to Goldsmith, all major internet carriers will send out their own workers to update, replace, and generally tend to any issues or “holes” in their network. The repairs will be handled on an individual company basis, but that the government will oversee the entire project.

“We are extremely sorry for the issues, but all internet will be offline for just about half a day,” said Goldsmith. “This includes tablets, cell phones, computers, smart watches – literally anything that connects to the internet will not be able to connect for approximately 12 hours on April 2nd. We apologize for the inconvenience, but this will not happen again until the year 2050.”

Apple Watch ‘Huge Piece of Shit’ Says Every Android User

Apple Watch 'Huge Piece of Shit' Says Every Android User

CUPERTINO, California –

Now that the Apple Watch has officially hit the market, Apple buffs around the world have been clamoring to get their hands on the ridiculously priced item, with many officially hailing it as the greatest piece of wearable technology ever created. But despite its praise, not everyone is excited by it.

“The Apple Watch is a huge piece of shit,” said Android user Rob Gacy. “I can’t imagine why anyone would care to get alerts, texts, and whatever on their wrist. Are Apple users so lazy that they can’t just reach into their pocket and pull out their tiny phone when they get a call? It’s ridiculous.”

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“Seriously, I just got to play with an Apple Watch, and it’s a massive piece of shit,” said another Android user, Kyle Gates. “I cannot even for one second imagine wearing this hipster trash. Actually, I guess even hipsters can’t wear it, because if you’ve got tattoos on your arms by your wrist, the damn watch doesn’t work properly anyway. Can you imagine that? Like I said…piece of shit.”

Most Apple users say that they are extremely happy with the device, mostly because they’d feel stupid if they paid the kind of money they did for the watch, only to find out it was abysmal.

“I paid almost a thousand bucks for my watch,” said Apple user Mario Booner. “To be fair, it’s only okay. I can’t even figure out how to get it to tell time, which, you know, makes it kind of non-functional for that. But since it cost so much, I really can’t complain. I’d feel like a damn fool if I did.”

Google, who created the Android operating system and who leads the pack in the world of mobile operating systems, had no comment on the worthlessness of the Apple watch.

10 Reasons You Need to Buy the New Amazon Dash

10 Reasons You Need to Buy the New Amazon Dash

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

When Amazon released their new product last week, many thought it was an early April Fool’s joke. The Amazon Dash is a tangible version of their online, One-Click purchase capability. Simply press the button and household items will automatically be reordered.

But the Amazon Dash may actually prove useful in the long run. Here are 10 reasons you may consider making it part of your household:

  1. No more time spent considering whether or not you really need new toilet tissue.
  2. Teaches children that a new gadget can actually be really unexciting.
  3. Gives you something to do on the toilet besides playing Candy Crush.
  4. Allows paralysed individuals who can only use their fingers to experience the joys of shopping like everyone else.
  5. We all need a bit more Amazon in our lives.
  6. When Amazon finally uses drones for everything, can create a fun family game of pressing the button and shooting down your delivery.
  7. Pets can be further anthropomorphised by learning to order their own food.
  8. Machines can be further anthropomorphised by ordering own refills, bringing us ever closer to the glory days of robot domination.
  9. Lord it over friends who have to press “A” in their URL line, wait until Amazon.com is autofilled, press enter, and only then order their products.
  10. Archeologists in the future will find them attached to our walls, and understand that the second ice age was actually good in some ways.

There are plenty of people who say that the device is a “waste of money,” but rumors exist that those people are “firmly grasped in reality,” and their opinion should be taken with a grain of salt.

Meet Microsoft’s New Browser, ‘Definitely-Not-Internet-Explorer’

Meet Microsoft's New Browser, 'Definitely-Not-Internet-Explorer'

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

The whole world – even Microsoft – came to realize that Internet Explorer was a useless old relic, burying it alongside its old cousin, Netscape. With this, however, they sought to create a new browser that would capture the hearts and fingertips of internet users everywhere. Meet the newest contender from the oldest name in the arena: DeNIE, or “Definitely Not Internet Explorer.”

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella spoke briefly about its improvements over its notorious predecessor:

“Basically, there are a few cool new gadgets which could have been just added in to Internet Explorer in an update, but the real change is the name. DeNIE is a new brand that people can explore with fresh eyes, whereas Internet Explorer was something that most people immediately steered away from.”

Microsoft’s analysts conducted extensive research on the existing browser giants to determine what made them popular in the first place. The result was simple: they weren’t Internet Explorer.

We had the pleasure of test-driving their new software during an interview; when it was mentioned that it felt and even looked exactly like the old browser, Nadella agreed.

“Again, as long as we deny that it is Internet Explorer, people will use it. To be honest it’s the same exact browser, just rebranded – same security issues, slowness, and clinginess to legacy features.”

DeNIE is planned to release with Windows 10, which the company is considering renaming to “Not Made by Microsoft” to pull in users from the ever growing Apple and Android fan crowd who once again, according to Microsoft’s researchers, only made the switch because of the name.

NASA’s Hubble Telescope Discovers Signs of Life In Extremely Distant Galaxy

WASHINGTON, D.C – NASA's Hubble Telescope Discovers Signs of Life In Extremely Distant Galaxy

Officials at NASA headquarters in Washington, D.C, have confirmed that the powerful Hubble telescope has found what experts believe to be conclusive evidence of life within a distant galaxy which was discovered last month.

NASA spokesperson Carl Wright said that the new findings are a major breakthrough for not only NASA, but for the entire world. “What we have found, with the proof we have discovered, this is possibly the biggest, most important finding in NASA history,” Wright told the Associated Press. “This absolutely puts to rest any doubt that life exists outside of our own galaxy.”

Peering through the giant cosmic magnifying glass, the Hubble Space Telescope spotted the galaxy last month. It is said to be the furthest galaxy ever seen, at more than 65 billion light years away. The galaxy, known as X12-P45, was detected by the Frontier Fields program, an ambitious three-year study that teams Hubble with NASA’s other observatories, the Spitzer Space Telescope and the powerful Chandra X-ray Observatory. These powerful lenses allow astronomers to find distant, dim structures that until now have been too faint to see.

Wright went on to explain in the briefing that the forms of life discovered seem to be those of intelligence. “We aren’t just talking about a few plants or trees of some kind, we are talking about intelligent life forms which have built structures, civilizations, buildings. These structures were built by something, which only leads us to believe they are aliens of some kind, maybe even very human-like beings. It remains to be seen, but this is huge progress for the entire world to find something of such important significance,” Wright stated.

When asked if NASA expects the findings of alleged intelligent life form to panic people on the planet Earth, Wright chuckled, and assured that there is no impending source of danger. “We clearly are the aggressors here, the people of the world have nothing to fear. We can’t do anything without being violent and forceful, so if we know they are there before they know we are here, then all is well. The further ahead we get in science, the bigger the advantage we have. If these turn out to be hostile alien life forms, we will take the bull by the horns. Never under-estimate the power of mankind.” he said.

Private companies, including McDonald’s and Starbucks, say they are willing to fund an expedition to explore the new galaxy and planet, in exchange for being the first Earth establishments allowed to build there.

 

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13-Year-Old Boy Arrested In Connection With Sony Hacking Crime

WATERVILLE, Maine – 13-Year-Old Boy Arrested In Connection With Sony Hacking Crime

What is believed to be the most vicious cyber attack in history, and has been blamed on everyone from North Korea to Russian hackers, is now being directly linked to a 13-year-old boy from small town Waterville, Maine.

Many believed that North Korea and supreme leader Kim Jong-un were responsible for the massive hack against Sony Entertainment because of the Seth Rogen comedy film The Interview, a movie about the successful assassination of Jong-un. Even President Obama issued an official statement, denouncing Sony’s decision to give into threats and pull the film from its Christmas Day opening.

The teenager, whose identity is not yet being released due to his age, but uses the online handle ‘Cereal Killer,’ confessed to the crime in an email sent to federal investigators.

“Basically, he sent in emails confessing to the crime, and blamed it all on the fact that all his friends had gotten Playstation 4 consoles, and he was stuck with the old XBox 360. He felt abandoned, and like he had no friends left in the world,” FBI spokesperson Gerald Carmichael told the Associated Press. “So he wanted to ‘make Sony pay.’ Curiously, Sony Entertainment, as in the films, and Sony’s video game division, are two completely separate entities.”

“It’s just what I could get into, you know?” said the wayward teen in his emails. “I tried to break into the game division computers first. I thought I could maybe steal some unfinished games and release them online. But that one was too hard. Instead, I got into the movie studio computers, and got to watch Annie before it came out. The movie really, really sucked, by the way.”

“The boy is clearly a genius when it comes to electronics and the computer language in this technology age,” said Charmichael. “It reminds me of the movie War Games a little bit, that one from the 80s with Matthew Broderick. Here is this boy savant, who is just amazing at computers. It is really unbelievable that a young child could possess so much dangerous knowledge. Hell, I couldn’t do what he did, and I’ve been studying computers for ages.”

While the crime is being thoroughly investigated, the teen will be kept in the custody of the FBI. Carmichael declined to discuss what charges or any possible punishments the boy is facing.

Man Uses Bent iPhone 6 To Free Baby From Locked Car

TAHLEQUAH, Oklahoma – Man Uses Bent iPhone 6 To Free Baby From Locked Car

Good news today for Apple and their latest flagship product, as a loyal ‘iFan’ was able to turn an engineering scandal into a stroke of genius and save a baby’s life in the process. Mark Mahone, a part-time model and actor from Tahlequah, Oklahoma was walking through a local mall parking lot on the way to his car,when he spotted a woman waving frantically.

“She just ran up to me, all frantic like,” Mahone recounts. “She was screaming ‘my baby is locked in the car!’ over and over. Real uptight sounding. So I walk over to the car with her and sure enough, the baby was locked in the dang car. Well, as an actor I once played a criminal on a second-rate TV show, and my scene involved unlocking a car with a slim jim, which is basically just a flat piece of metal that is bent just right at the end. Tensions are running kinda high though, and I can’t think of a thing I can use to unlock the car.”

According to Mahone, he was seconds away from merely smashing the woman’s window with his hands or face, but another idea came to him instead.

“Then it hit me. I got the iPhone 6 plus! I figured I could bend it jussstt right, like I saw on all the bad reviews that I didn’t get to read because I bought it on day-1 at the midnight release. Anyway, so I bent her good, right then and there. It was real easy since it’s not a real sturdy phone. It took a couple of seconds, but I popped the lock and she was able to get her baby. Before I knew it, there was a reporter there, asking me questions. Said I was a hero and stuff.”

Other bystanders remember it a little differently. Thad Henry, a local mechanic, was also on the scene.

“This lady locks her kid in the car. Total dumbass move. Too busy texting like an idiot. Then this other dude comes along and bends his $900 dollar piece of Apple shit into a slim jim. Typical iPhone dumbass – it’s a phone, dude! He never even thought to just call the police. Neither did the mom, apparently. I mean, it’s a pretty mild 68 degrees out here, the baby is asleep, and a cop could be here to pop the lock for free in five minutes. I’m just watching this whole thing go down, in total awe. Anyway, so this jackoff bends his phone in half to unlock the door. He has to be a hero or whatever, and winds up looking like a total tool, ’cause he bought a shitty phone and then bent it in half to make it even shittier. Typical iPhone idiot, I tell ya!”

Perhaps the mother said it best. “I don’t know if it was the smart thing to do, but it got my door open, and my baby is safe. Sounds like a happy ending to me.”

Meanwhile, Apple warranty doesn’t cover bent iPhones, so with a bit of luck, Mahone will be able to bend his back to a useable shape.

Google Reveals New X-Ray Glasses At San Francisco Gadget Expo

SAN FRANCISCO, California – Google Reveals New X-Ray Glasses At San Francisco Gadget Expo

The 2014 Gadget Expo is a regular ‘Nerd Nirvana,’ with all the latest gadgets and gizmos on display for people to check out, try out, and plan their 2015 tech purchases. Many new products created plenty of excitement such as Apple’s iWatch and Alienware’s 3D laptop. But the one product that stole the show was Google’s new X-Ray glasses, which the company is already planning for a 2015 release.

We all remember the ads in the back of comics. You could get sea monkeys or paper dolls. But the most popular ad was for X-Ray glasses. Of course, those glasses were a disappointment when they came in the mail, but it created a dream in the minds of a generation,” said Larry Page, Google CEO. “Now, some of those disappointed boys are the smartest engineers in the world, and they work here at Google. Ladies and gentlemen, those same young honor society nerds that dreamed of seeing through girls clothes have done it, and we now have real X-Ray glasses! Pending some safety issues, Google X-Googles will be available next year!”

“It’s true, the X-Ray glasses work perfectly, and with different settings, you can see through garments, skin and bones, and even walls,” said Product manager Harold Harris. “We see this as a great development that will no doubt have untold advantages in the fields of medicine and law enforcement. The safety tweaks are happening now, as the one Mr. Page spoke of is actually quite serious. Currently, the X-Ray glasses have a 100% brain tumor rate on wearers. Unfortunately, the threat of brain tumors is not stopping the engineers on the project from wearing the glasses to spy on female employees. I guess for them seeing a girl naked is worth a brain tumor. At the rate engineers are dropping out for sickness or straight-up dropping dead, the tweaks may take a little longer to fix than expected.”

Despite possible setbacks in health-related risks and fatalities by wearers, Google still plans to release the new X-ray glasses as soon as possible. “We know that Google Glass was just the beginning for what we’re calling or Google Spectacles Division,” said Page. “All those people out there wearing our current product will certainly be interested in our new Google X-Googles. We can’t wait for them to all go from becoming Glassholes to Raytards.”

 

Man Uses Loophole To Legally Marry iPhone 6

FRESNO, California – Man Uses Loophole To Legally Marry iPhone 6

With gay marriage being a hot button political issue over the least few years, now it appears that people will have something else to argue about. A Fresno man has recently taken to the altar, but there was no person standing across from him when he got married.

Robert Henry, age 25, has been married for about a month now. The thing hat makes this marriage strange is the fact that it isn’t even with a living creature. Henry has found a way to legal marry his iPhone 6, and claims he has no regrets in doing so.

“I waited in line for her for about 13 hours, and when I finally met her, it was love at first sight,” said Henry. “Most people don’t see this as true love, but I’ve never felt this way about any person or other object before, so it must be love.”

Henry hired lawyers in his home state of California to find a loophole in the marriage laws that would allow him to legally wed his iPhone. Once they were able to find that there was no official wording on whether a recipient of marriage had to actually be human, that was all Henry needed to continue with his quest. He hired his own officiate, and tied the knot with his new phone at the beginning of October. He has his marriage license and paper work to back it.

“Most people think I’m looking for attention, or maybe I saw the movie Her one too many times, but that isn’t the case at all. I really am in love,” said Henry.

When we asked him what he would do if he ever dropped the phone in water, or it broke, Henry was speechless. “I’m not sure. That really never crossed my mind. But, I don’t use Jennifer – that’s her name, by the way – as a real ‘phone.’ She comes with me everywhere, sure, but when it comes to making calls or texting and stuff, I have a Samsung Galaxy for that. Jennifer is usually safe in my pocket when I’m traveling.”

For now Henry and his phone live happily in Fresno, and Henry says that he has no plans on ever getting divorced, not even when the iPhone 7 comes out. “Well, unless it’s better looking than the iPhone 6,” said Henry.

 

 

Real-World Hackers Discredit Technology Used In Watch Dogs Video Game

MONTREAL, QUEBEC, Canada – empire-news-real-life-hackers-Discredit-technology-used-in-watch-dogs-video-game

Hackers around the World have been rampantly posting online about their opinions on the new Ubisoft video game “Watch Dogs,” which was released last week.  The video game is based around a fictional hacker who wanders the streets of Chicago using his cell phone to control nearly any electronic device he wishes, which he uses to gain information and help avoid cyber-terrorists.

“As a hacker, it makes me feel really lame – I could point my phone at a person, and it won’t just hack their bank account.  It’s completely absurd that this guy can do this stuff with such ease.” Said a self-proclaimed hacker who goes by the online name Lord Nikon. “The game makes it look too easy. He just scans people with his cell phone, takes their cash or their music, unlocks a car, and drives like an asshole through the city. I can’t do any of that at all. Watchdogs is totally unrealistic.”

Throughout the years, the art of hacking has been portrayed throughout movies, television, and now video games as some sort of exciting, other-worldly experience, where the hacker is always a half-step ahead of the law or other hackers, and spends their nights staring at a computer screen filled with gorgeous graphics. As hacker Cereal Killer points out to us, that isn’t generally the case.

“You know, I don’t see the big deal with this guy in the game.” Said Killer. “Even if I could just take a stroll and steal peoples stuff, walking just takes too much outta me, ya know? I like doing this stuff because I can sit here in my room, eating Bagel Bites, downloading music illegally and watching anime porn. That’s the true life of a hacker. Well, at least it’s my true life. I can’t really speak for everyone.”

Real-life hackers tend to experience extreme amounts of boredom brought on by so much waiting around, so bringing the technology developed for the fictional story in Watchdogs to life would be a silver lining for the hoards of anonymous hackers throughout the world.

“If these people could walk around while hacking the computers around them, it would greatly decrease their risks of collapse due to ennui.” Says Dr. Emmanuel Goldstein of the Chicago Memorial Hospital, cardiology division. “This concept would be the best thing to happen to cyber-crime since the invention of wireless internet!”

As technology expands, the hackers that we spoke with had mixed feelings about how great it would be to be able to commit hack the people around them like a character in a video game.

“I prefer to just relax, enjoy a Jolt cola, and watch reruns of The Outer Limits with my girlfriend AcidBurn.” Said a hacker whose online alias is ZeroCool. “I just can’t imagine why I’d want to run all over the city and get all sweaty. Hacking is an intelligent man’s game, a real-world thrill posed in an unreal world. I’ll keep playing the game, but I would never buy into that sort of technology.”

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