Girl Presses Sexual Assault Charges After Unwanted Kisses From Grandpa

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DELUTH, Mississippi –

A 14-year-old girl is pressing charges against her grandfather after she says he gave her “cheek pinches and kisses” while he visited on her birthday last week.

“Every year, my granddad comes to my house once a year, on my birthday. He always gives me kisses on the forehead and cheek pinches, and I told him ahead of time that this year I would have friends over, and I did not want to be kissed,” said Jessica Jones, 14. “He laughed, and he must have thought I was joking when I told him, because he did it anyway. I was mortified. I had to run out of my own party.”

Jessica’s parents said that they continued with the party despite her absence, and none of her friends even seemed to notice the kissing or the cheek pinching, but Jessica still insists that her grandfather be arrested and charged with sexual assault.

“I want to show all the grown-ups out there that they can’t just touch us whenever they want, just because we’re kids, or just because we’re family,” said Jessica. “My granddad is old. It doesn’t matter that he gave me $100 in a birthday card, he still shouldn’t have touched me like that.”

Jessica says that her parents refuse to pay for a lawyer, so Jessica is using her babysitting money and hoping to find a cheap attorney.

Teen Sues Parents For Grounding Him, Making Him Miss Concert Of Favorite Band

DULUTH, Minnesota – 

A Duluth teen has reportedly brought a $150,000 lawsuit against his parents for grounding him 3 weeks ago, forcing him to miss his favorite band as they made an appearance at a local venue.

Aiden Moore, 17, is suing his parents, Jacob and Rebecca, saying that if he hadn’t been grounded, then he could have gone to see his favorite band, Eyeliner Fiasco, and that all of his friends wouldn’t be bullying him for missing it.

“Everyone in my group, they can’t believe that I didn’t make it to the Fiasco show,” said Aiden. “They’re standing in the halls at school in their skinny jeans, their black make-up, and their hot pink hair, and they’re making fun of me, calling me ‘fag’ and stuff. It’s not right.”

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Aiden claims that he was the one in his group of friends that got everyone into Eyeliner Fiasco in the first place, and that his parents have caused “irreparable harm” to his status at school by grounding him, and not allowing him to go to the concert.

“We didn’t let him go because we caught him stealing his little sister’s makeup again, and he was grounded for the weekend,” said Aiden’s mother, Rebecca Moore. “We don’t take grounding lightly in this house, and he knew the rules and broke them. We weren’t just going to ground him, then let him go to the concert anyway.”

The lawsuit was filed on behalf of Aiden by the ACLU, the American Children Loser’s Union, who help morons, losers, and emo kids to sue their parents when their own behavior causes conflict.

Mom Claims Her Teenage Daughter Was Impregnated By Flu Shot

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island – 

A teenage girl has reportedly gotten pregnant after receiving a routine flu shot at a local pharmacy, according to the teen’s mom, Roxanne Myers.

Myers claims that her virgin, 16-year-old daughter, Rebecca, was impregnated after receiving her yearly flu shot a the family’s local CVS pharmacy.

“Rebecca is a sweet, innocent girl who has never even had a boyfriend,” said Myers, 44. “I asked her if she had ever had sex, and she said no, so the only possible explanation is that she got pregnant from the flu shot we got at the CVS.”

Doctors have tried explaining to Myers that her daughter could not possibly have gotten pregnant from the flu shot, and that there is probably a more “rational” explanation for her pregnancy.

“I told them that Rebecca was a virgin, but they didn’t believe me,” said Myers. “I know that the flu can’t get you pregnant, but what I think happened is that some young, horny stockboy at the CVS probably masturbated into the vaccine, or maybe onto the needles, I don’t know where. But regardless, his semen got my Becky pregnant, and I’m going to sue!”

Rebecca Myers, wisely, had no comment on the circumstances regarding her pregnancy.

Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

 

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

Parents and students at St. Petersburg high school are in shock and tears today after the news of the death of 16-year-old Katy Campbell. Campbell, a junior at St. Petersburg, died while attending a school dance, and the county coroner is claiming her death could have easily been avoided.

According to Dr. Joe Goldsmith of the St. Petersburg Medical Examiner’s Office, Campbell’s stomach imploded, and she died during the high school Winter Wonderland Dance.

“Katy died due to a large amount of  built-up methane gas in her stomach,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, we believe she was holding in a bad case of stinky flatulence, this causing her stomach and bowels to rupture. If she had just broken that wind, she would still be here today.”

Police investigators are ruling the death accidental, and say no foul-play is suspected. “Basically, Katy Campbell had the biggest date of her life, and apparently her parents, who are vegans, forced her to eat a giant plate of beans, kale, and spinach before she was picked up,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the St. Petersburg Police Department. “She tried desperately to hold in her gas so she would not be laughed at by her hunky jock date. Sadly, it ended her life. The parents have been through enough, so we will not be charging them as accessories, despite forcing the horrible meal onto poor Katy.”

“I wish she had just run off into the bathroom, or a dark corner somewhere, and just let that fart go,” said Katy’s date, Bob Eakafe. “I mean hell – I farted a couple times while we were dancing. Don’t think anyone noticed. Poor Katy, she probably thought she did it. It’s depressing really, because now I have no one to take to the spring dance next month.”

In lieu of flowers, Katy’s parents request donations be made to your local natural gas company.

14-Year-Old Becomes World’s Youngest Gynecologist

OAK TREE, Arkansas – 14-Year-Old Becomes World’s Youngest Gynecologist

While most boys his age are playing video games, baseball, and dreaming of girls, Scott Simmons has women making appointments just to see him. At 14-years-old, boy-genius Simmons is the world’s youngest gynecologist.

“It’s a little embarrassing sometimes,” said Dr. Simmons. “I had to pick a speciality when I was 12, and my advisor said I was too short to be a surgeon. My older brother told me to be a gynecologist, he said I would thank him later, and boy was he right. I’m the only gynecologist in town, so I’m pretty busy. I really love my work, and I don’t think I’ll get tired of it –  especially during the annual high school physical time.”

“He’s a really good doctor, and you can tell he loves his work,” said patient Mary Muffin, 19. “Sure, he giggles at the start of every exam, but he is just a kid, after all. I think sometimes his hormones get the best of him, because he can’t stand up after the examination, but he will grow out of that. It’s worth the giggles and hormones, though, because his small fingers get the job done gently. I used to travel to another gynecologist two towns over, and he was old and gross, with nasty long fingers. Ew.”

“I’m very proud of my son, and we all knew he was special from a young age,” said Scott’s mother, Nancy. “He completed elementary school at 5, and he was done with high school by 7. College and medical school just came very naturally to him. I do wish he consulted me before picking his field though, as I would have suggested becoming a family practitioner, or maybe a podiatrist instead. The hardest part of having a son who is a gynecologist is probably the same every one every mother of a 14-year-old has, though – getting him to wash his hands before dinner.”

Local Teenager Grows Poor Excuse For A Mustache, Thinks He’s Ron Swanson

SHREVEPORT, Louisiana –  teenager grows mustache thinks hes ron swanson

Local 16-year-old Trevor McKenzie has recently realized he can grow the slightest bit of facial hair on his upper lip, and so he has not shaved in two months. Despite looking utterly ridiculous, McKenzie apparently thinks he’s Godd— Ron Swanson or something.

It is not known if McKenzie was inspired by the hilariously-manly Ron Swanson, played by Nick Offerman on the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation. It’s just as possible that McKenzie may have seen too many reruns of Magnum P.I. featuring Tom Selleck, or maybe in history class he was influenced by black-and-white photographs of the mustachioed presidents of old, such as Theodore Roosevelt or William Howard Taft. What is known is that McKenzie’s “mustache” is terribly thin and horribly prepubescent, and should be shaved off immediately to show respect to the aforementioned all-time great lip ticklers.

McKenzie seems completely unaware that rather than impressing friends or attracting girls, which seems to be his intention, his “mustache” serves only as a subject of ridicule. When confronted with this teasing, McKenzie dismisses the unpopularity of his ‘stache as thinly-veiled jealousy. Sadly, the reality is that most high school students, despite being ignorant in most aspects of life, have enough sense to not grow a mustache if they can’t do so properly. Deep down, McKenzie must surely be aware that his poor excuse of a mustache is an embarrassment to him and his family.

We all know that history is doomed to repeat itself. We can extrapolate from previous trends that McKenzie will shave off his near-translucent mustache in a few weeks and regret that it ever took residence on his face, only to grow a half-ass goatee in his freshman year of college.

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