Finger-Chop Challenge Spreads Across Social Media To Protest Trump

enVolve-trump-finger-chop

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The “Finger-Chop Challenge” has begun to spread across social media, with teens and college students reportedly cutting off their fingers in an effort to raise awareness about the “evils of Donald Trump” as President.

“Trump is a disgusting, sick, orange bigot,” said Maria Lambert, 19, a college sophomore at Dartmouth. “I chopped off all of my  fingers on a livestream on Facebook. I left just the middle finger on one hand, because fuck Trump, that’s why.”

Following in a dangerous trend of challenges like the cinnamon or milk gallon challenges, the new finger-chop challenge opens up an entire new world of issues for parents, as well as the teens stooping to such ignorant levels.

“My son has done the challenge 4 times, and each time, he’s cut off a new finger. He’s down to just the pinky on his left hand,” said Carl Lunger of his son, Mario Lunger, 17. “Frankly, though, I’m proud of him. He’s taking a stand against Trump, and he’s also raised a lot of awareness about Trump. Last I knew, he had over 300 views on his YouTube video.”

Health officials are warning parents, though, of the dangers of their children cutting off their own fingers for internet notoriety.

 

Teens Who Vape More Likely To Be Made Fun Of Than Those That Don’t, Study Finds

vaping

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A new study conducted by Harvard University shows that teens who “vape” are more likely to be made fun of than kids who do not. The study was performed over the last year, and monitored a group of 200 teens aged 15 to 19.

“Of the group, 100 of the kids were vapers, or kids who smoke using vape pens, etc.,” said that study chairman, Mick Horn. “Those kids were asked to vape in front of the other 100 kids, who proceeded, of course, to call the vape kids a slew of names, including ‘faggot,’ ‘tool,’ ‘loser,’ and ‘asshole,’ among others. When the study was flipped, the vape kids really had nothing to say about the non-vapers.”

According to his findings, Horn says that kids should decidedly not take up vaping, unless they like being made fun of.

“There’s really no point to vaping, short of smoking while looking like an extra douche bag,” said Horn. “I think that my study conclusively proves that.”

New Thrill Of Shooting Air Into Rectum With Bike Pump Kills Hundreds of Teens

pump

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

“The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of Pumping”, a spokesman for the prestigious Carlson Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts, told reporters. “If this perversion catches on, it will destroy this country worse than it already is.”

John Miles, MD, was speaking after the remains of 13-year-old Charlie Richards had been brought into the hospital’s emergency room, the latest victim of the internet trend “pumping,” which began in Taiwan.

“Most ‘Pumpers’ use a standard bicycle pump,” he explained, “inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. It’s highly dangerous, and so far, we’ve seen at least 100 cases of children who were killed or severely injured from ‘pumping.'”

Charlie Richards took it further than others, and it cost him his life. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but that wasn’t exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.

Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died instantly, but passers by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping.

“We still haven’t located all of him,” says Police Chief Joe Whitcum. “When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like a tiny atom bomb went off or something.”

“Pumping is the devil’s pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,” Dr. Miles concluded. “Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you.”

Teen Killed In ‘Dodge The Bullet’ Game

dodge

DALLAS, Texas – 

A 15-year-old teen was killed last weekend after he and his friends decided to play a new game they had seen online, “dodge the bullets.” The game, which is taking off in viral YouTube videos, has a person stand near a wall or other solid object while friends take turns firing shots at them from pistols or rifles.

“In all my years as a police officer, this is probably the dumbest trend I’ve ever seen kids take part in,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “Why they think this would be a good idea, or even possible for a long period of time, is beyond me.”

The goal of the game, according to the internet, is to not flinch for as long as possible before jumping out of the way. Most of the time, the “dodger” leaps out of the way well before the shot is fired. In this case, 15-year-old Caleb Matthew waited a little too long to dodge.

Criminal filings could be underway for Matthew’s friends, who his parents say owned the gun, and left it unlocked in their home. The Matthews family says they also plan to sue the other families of the teens involved. Those names have not been released due to the age of the teens.

Angry Mob Burns Down Denny’s Restaurant After Finding It Closed

dennys

BANGOR, Maine – 

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Denny’s Resturants, it’s that they’re always open, and that their food always gives you the blow shits.

One group of people who were hungry for a late night meal were enraged to find that their local restaurant was closed last Tuesday evening, and instead of finding a new place to eat, opted to burn the place to the ground.

“Denny’s is supposed to always be open, and it was bullshit that they weren’t!” said Jordan Scott, 20. “We drove 40 minutes, which is like 3 days of driving when you’re as high as we were, and when we got there, they weren’t even open. What the fuck is that? Denny’s doesn’t close! We were pissed.”

According to police, Scott and four of his friends arrived at a Denny’s location in Bangor, Maine at around 3am Tuesday morning, and when they found that it was closed for cleaning, they set the building on fire.

“Thankfully, the employees inside working were able to make it out unharmed,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately for the arsonists, the Denny’s they burned down was directly across the street from a 24-hour Dunkin Donuts, and that place was open. It was also filled with police officers.”

The group of delinquents were arrested, and charged with arson. The group say, though, that they plan to sue Denny’s for false advertising, and will use the money won to pay their own court costs.

Boy Scouts of America Announce Decision To Only Allow Gay Boys Into Troops

boy scouts

BILLINGS, Montana – 

The Boys Scouts of America, long-known as one of the most horrible groups you could ever put your child in, has a history of bigoted behavior, not allowing African-American children into the groups until the 1970s, and still, to this day, not allowing gay or transgendered children or scout leaders to join.

All that is apparently changing, as the group has taken massive heat and controversy in the last several years. Today, the Boy Scouts of America have announced that they will no longer be accepting straight boys into the troops; from here on out, all children must be gay.

“This is a big leap forward for all of the homosexual scouts and leaders who have been forced to leave the Scouts over the years,” said former scout Johnny Mullens, a 19-year-old gay teen who was kicked out of his troop 7 years ago. “I think they’re taking it to an extreme here, since now they’re not even letting straight kids in, but hey, at least we’re making some headway.”

According to the Boy Scouts, they will be phasing out their current rosters over the remaining portion of the year, and are encouraging homosexual children between the ages of 9 and 16 to sign up.

Kids Who Color On Themselves Grow Up To Be Geniuses

genuis

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Researchers at the prestigious Children’s Institute of America recently completed a 20 year study on the effects of children who color on themselves with Crayola markers, and the study proves conclusively that those children grow up to have extremely high IQs.

“We followed 2,000 children for the last 20 years, and of those 2,000 case studies, half of them were allowed to color on themselves using markers, while the other half were not,” explained Dr. Richard Kimball. “What we found was that the 1000 kids who were able to let their creativity flow by drawing on themselves, a significant portion of them grew up to be extremely smart, some of them tipping past genius levels.”

Dr. Kimball says that 978 of the children who were allowed to Crayloa their own faces consistently had IQs in the genius level, where as all 1000 of the non-colorers had normal, average IQs, or below in adulthood.

“This study proves conclusively why you should allow your children to be creative, and do whatever they’d like. If they want to color themselves blue, why, go out and get them some markers,” said Dr. Kimball. “Down the road you’ll be glad you did.”

Mountain Dew To No Longer Sponsor Auto Racing After Multiple Teen Deaths

dew

PURCHASE, New York –

After two teen deaths due to ingestion of Mountain Dew mixed with racing fluid, Pepsi-Co will be pulling all racing sponsorships. Cars affected will include Dale Earnhardt Jr, Kasey Kahne, and rookie Chase Elliot.

Racing fluid, used in drag racing, is made up of almost 100% methanol, a non-drinkable form of alcohol used for industrial and automotive purposes. Teens drink it to get an alcohol buzz, and initially, methanol can give the same effects as ethanol. This progresses to symptoms ranging from blurred vision, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea to seizures, blindness, coma and death, depending on the amount and concentration of the methanol that was consumed.

Hendrick Motorsports recently announced a three-year extension of PepsiCo’s longstanding partnership with the organization. They have agreed to rebrand the cars with Pepsi Max logos, which because of the artificial sugar, does not taste good with racing fuel.

Pepsi-Co warns kids not go to the measures of desperate alcoholics to get drunk. Racing fluid, antifreeze, and windshield wiper fluid should never be consumed.

“I thought most teens just stole booze from their parents or got someone’s older brother to buy beer – I mean hell, that’s what we did in my day,” said Pepsico spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Or you know what they could do instead? They could just drink Pepsi brand soft drinks. There’s nothing cooler than hanging out with friends and enjoying a tall glass of refreshing Pepsi Cola or Mountain Dew.”

Psychiatrist Prescribes Video Games To Fight Depression

video games

DELUTH, Minnesota – 

Dr. Frank Stephenson has started prescribing video games such as The Sims and World of Warcraft to his patients. He claims it treats depression better than any drug currently on the market.

“Too many of my patients life seems so pointless. Get up. Go to work. Fall deeper in debt. Never really achieve your dreams. Soon you’re in your fifties and your wife that left you is remarried and much happier now.

“The big breakthrough came for me when I gave up on trying to help people change their lives for the better. People never change. What I can do is help people escape from their droll lives. We can’t give out the good meds because those are too addictive, and face it – anti-depressants don’t give you a good buzz, so they’re basically worthless. Video games though – they can transport you to another world.”

Dr. Stephenson says video game therapy can work for all types of depression including seasonal, major, chronic, existential, and post-partum. “I’ve even had some luck with prescribing VGT to bipolar patients. Of course sometimes they’ll play for days straight during their manic phases and give up before beating the game once their depressive phase hits. Lithium usually helps with that.”

Although there are no clinical studies to back up his work, Dr. Stephenson says anyone who tries it will see. Dr. Stephenson also cautions that video game therapy should be used in moderation, and only as a temporary substitute for real life.

Teens Allegedly Vandalize Cemetery in Name of Satan

goth

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Paula McCain, who lives across the street from the Westview cemetery in Atlanta, witnessed the black-clad teens enter the graveyard and – recognizing that they were local goths – immediately called police.

Fearing a reputation of ‘rat’ in the community, McCain made it clear that she would not have normally called the police. “If it had been some boys from the football team, I’d have thought ‘boys will be boys,’ they’re probably just sneaking a beer. But devil worshipers going into a graveyard after dark – well, they’re likely sacrificing a cat or something.”

Officer Browne seized a half-smoked cigarette from one of the teens and confiscated a copy of the Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey as evidence. The 3 teens have been charged with vandalism for three old tombstones that appear to have been tipped over. The rumor that the teens are behind the recent disappearance of neighborhood cats has caught on and angry citizens are demanding that the courts throw the book at the kids.

Michael “Damian” Luther denies hurting anyone. “God must be sacrificed. ‘Under no circumstances would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!’ It’s right there in the Satantic Bible. Look it up. If the pigs hadn’t taken my copy, I’d show you,” said Luther.

All three children are currently grounded by their parents while awaiting sentencing.

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