McDonald’s Hires Gordon Ramsay As New TV Spokesman



McDonald’s Corporation announced this morning that they have hired legendary chef and television celebrity Gordon Ramsay as their spokesman for a slew of upcoming TV commercials the company is working on.

“To be honest, we are extremely excited and amazed that he said yes to our offer,” said McDonald’s CEO Brian King. “We know that our food, while decent and mostly edible, is not to the level of a 5-star Michelin chef. We are very humbled that he is willing to promote our brand.”

“I’ve never eaten at McDonald’s, and I certainly don’t intend to start any time soon,” said Ramsay of his deal. “Frankly, they offered my a lot of money, and I’ll take it, but the food that they will show me eating in the commercials will not be real McDonald’s food. That’s just not something I’ll do. I can promise you that it will taste like dog vomit. I can tell just by looking at it.”

Ramsay is well known for his hit TV shows Hell’s Kitchen and MasterChef, among others. On Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay is often shown screaming, yelling, and taunting contestants, who are competing for money and prizes.

“This will be a lot different than my TV shows,” said Ramsay. “They wanted to, at first, dress me up like the fucking clown, but I’m not doing that shite. That’s stupid. I’m going to talk about their hamburgers, and that’s it. The burgers are clearly shit. They look like shit, they smell like shit, and I’m getting physically ill just thinking about eating them.”

“It’s going to be great having Gordon Ramsay talk about our food in public,” said King. “We figure at this rate, we can’t get any lower ratings with the public than we have now, and at least if it’s Gordon Ramsay saying we’re horrible, there is no better person to critique than him.”

Bill Nye To Be Awarded Nobel Prize


Everyone’s favorite TV scientist, Bill Nye – known for his children’s program in the 90s as well as for being a throwback internet celebrity – is being recognized for all his work in basic, 8th grade-level sciences by being awarded the Nobel Prize in Television Science.

The award, the first to be awarded by Nobel, is given to people who pretend to practice sciences on television programs. According to the Nobel committee, Nye is the “perfect candidate” for the award, as his actual knowledge of science and scientific topics is limited only to what his writers can come up with for him to explain.

“Mr. Nye has spent many years in front of TV cameras, promoting and discussing science at the most basic of levels, and his nostalgia factor from millennials is through the roof,” said Nobel committee spokesperson Marsha Lewis. “Because of his great fame on TV, and for furthering the interest in generic, half-assed sciences, we have decided to bestow upon Mr. Nye our greatest honor: The Nobel Prize In Television Science.”

Nye will be accepting his prize in a televised program to air in December.

Panasonic Creates First 250-Inch TV For Home Consumers

Panasonic Creates First 250-Inch TV For Home Consumers

TOKYO, Japan – 

Panasonic has announced this week their biggest venture yet – a 250-inch HDTV that they plan to release for the home market in time for the holiday season. The model, which they are calling Megasonic, will reportedly retail for $1.1 million.

“Clearly this is not the TV for the lowly, minimum-wage paid worker,” said Panasonic spokesman Carl Sukayama. “Those people can still get our other TVs on Black Friday for $99.99 or whatever. This TV is for the TV Gods, and we plan on making sure that people love it, and we’re making it perfect. We have to, because frankly, most people will have to remove a wall to get it in their homes.”

Full specs of the TV were not immediately made available, but Sukayama did say that it would have “ample HDMI” connections, as well as be 4k-HD compatible.

“This TV needs to be a super-high resolution, because if you’re watching a movie on it, you’re going to see everything – every wart, every pimple, every scar. We want those imperfections of today’s hottest actors to be seen in the highest possible display quality. When we begin showing the screen images, you will be blown away.”

Sukayama says that he hopes that by Christmas of 2016, a full year after they plan to launch, that at least a quarter of a million homes throughout the US will have one.

“I know everyone already skips movie theatres and downloads their movies or streams on Netflix. Get this TV, and you’ll never have to go to the movies again.”

Reportedly, the TV will have the ability to pick up SD or HD signals, accept inputs from up to 15 devices, be wi-fi and bluetooth compatible, transform into a small car, and teach your children foreign languages.

Nickelodeon To Air Reruns Of HBO’s ‘Game Of Thrones’, ‘Real Sex’ During Late Night Hours

Nickelodeon To Air Reruns Of HBO's 'Game Of Thrones', 'Real Sex' During Late Night Hours


NEW YORK, New York –

Viacom Media Networks, who owns and operates children’s programming network Nickelodeon, has announced that the company has signed a deal with HBO to air reruns of the popular series Game of Thrones, as well as reruns of the once popular Real Sex series, which HBO aired from 1990 – 2009.

Viacom CEO Thomas Bradbury said that the move will round out a great schedule of broadcasting for Nickelodeon. “During the late-morning up until early-evening hours Nickelodeon programming is obviously directed toward the children’s demographic, which left quite a void in the early-morning hours, which we will now be calling ‘Twilight Shift Programming’,” Bradbury said earlier today.

Bradbury said that other programs will be added to a four-hour block from midnight to 4am, but that no other programs have yet been made official. “Eventually, we will be able to fill the four hour twilight time period with four different programs, but as of now, it looks like the block will consists of two hours Game of Thrones, and two hours of Real Sex.”

Asked whether or not the adult related content in the programs would contradict their daytime programming, Bradbury stated that it simply would not be an issue. “We do not believe anyone will find any harm in the programming, in fact we feel that customers will be greatly pleased, because now there will be something for everyone on Nickelodeon,” the CEO said. “Once the kids go to bed, you can enjoy all the sex, beheadings, incest, boobs, and blood you crave, but without having to pay for an extra cable subscription.”

Nickelodeon is slated to begin airing the programs this spring.

NBC Launches Remake Of Popular Sitcom ‘Friends’ Aimed At African-Americans, Show To Be Titled ‘My Niggas’

NBC Launches Spin-Off Of Popular Sitcom 'Friends' Aimed At African-Americans, Show Titled 'My Niggas'


NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

NBC has announced today that they will be doing an ‘altered remake’ of one of their most popular sitcoms to date. The new show will be loosely based off their hit show Friends, and is tentatively titled My Niggas. 

The show will include a cast made up entirely of African-Americans, and will have the same structure as the original Friends sitcom but with what executives are calling “a little more edge.”

“The show will also still be based in New York, but no one wants to watch upper-middle class white douchebags anymore,” said NBC spokesman Dennis Belding. “This show will take place in the ghetto, a much harsher area. What we want to do is bring ‘,’humor out of the hood and show the American people that no matter what color skin you have, we all have our friends, or in this case, you got your niggas.”

Casting is currently under production, and while they report the show’s main stars will be African-Americans, they will have a feature white character appear on the show down the line, if the show is a success.

“Just like Jim Carey kicking some ass on In Living Color back in the day, you know?” said Belding. “This isn’t about cutting out one race or another, it’s about setting a comedy in a place where there normally isn’t very much laughter. There also aren’t too many white people there, either. We’ve updated everything to be more ‘black.’ So no more coffee shop, now the hangout is the check-cashing place on the corner. And the apartments aren’t going to be bright and nice, either. This is a sitcom based on the ‘real ‘hood,’ for sure.”

The creator of the original Friends sitcom is excited to bring back the essence of a classic NBC, show while also bringing new life to a major company. “I can tell you right now, My Niggas is going to be the hottest show on TV this fall. You wait and see,” said David Swan. “Oh, and don’t worry about the name. It’s cool, because it’s Niggas, and not, well, you know. That other version.”

Casting continues on the show until the end of February, and the show begins filming in April. Producers have already said that after the show takes off, President Obama is more than welcome to join the show as a recurring cast member once his presidency ends next year.



Time Warner Cable Announces Internet, Cable Services Will Be Down For Security Upgrades In February

NEW YORK, New York – Time Warner Cable Announces Internet, Cable Services Will Be Down For Security Upgrades In February

Time Warner Cable spokesperson Lavette Ansari announced that Time Warner Cable services, including broadband internet, would not be available to customers on February 29th, due to maintenance and network testing.

In the statement, Ansari said that the shut down for network maintenance was necessary to maintain the high quality broadcasting product and superior internet service the media giant company offers.

“We at Time Warner are proud of the fact that we have the best cable  and internet service available for all of America,” Ansari said. “In order to maintain our incredible product and services, it is absolutely necessary that we perform this uninterrupted testing and overall product assessment before any problems arise.”

The decision to shut down and perform these maintenance actions comes at a time during which many media companies and internet services are being attacked by groups of rogue hackers. Both Playstation and Xbox networks have each been hacked and shut down recently, as well as Chase Bank and Sony Pictures Entertainment. The plague is not confined to the United States either, as North Korea has gone without internet service throughout the entire country following the actions of sophisticated hacking.

Other internet and cable companies are expected to follow suit according to University of Maryland Professor of Media Technologies & Sciences, Dr. Mamauf Abdul Rahim. “In this age of vast technology, knowledge which is now easily obtained. With the modern age of technology, there are mostly positives but with that also comes the potential of attack,” Rahim stated. “No company, no matter how big or small, as well as individuals, no matter how powerful, are a potential victim of extreme cyber attack. The appropriate measures of prevention must be taken in order to keep hacking risks as low as possible.”

Ansari added in her statement to select members of the Associated Press that in order to keep customer complaints as low as possible, the company wanted to give fair warning. ” It is important that the news of this shutdown be highly anticipated in order for our loyal customers to prepare themselves,” Ansari said. “We know that a full 24 hours is an extremely long time to go for some people to not use the internet.”

Kurt Sutter Announces Plans For ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ Movie Starring Charlie Hunnam, Brad Pitt

NORTH HOLLYWOOD, California – Kurt Sutter Announces Plans For 'Sons Of Anarchy' Movie Starring Charlie Hunnam, Brad Pitt

Kurt Sutter, creator of the hit FX drama Sons of Anarchy, has announced plans to turn the popular television series into a major motion picture.

Sutter, who was also a writer, producer, and director on the series, said in an interview with Hollywood Today magazine that he has long contemplated taking S.O.A. to the big screen following its run on television. “People absolutely loved the show, as did I, and I have put a lot of thought into the matter, and we are going forward with turning it into a feature film” Sutter said.

Sons of Anarchy ran for seven seasons on FX, from 2008-2014, and in the process built a huge following.  Sutter said the film will star Charlie Hunnam, who played the lead character Jax Teller, as well as Ryan Hurst who played Opie Winston, and Katey Sagal as Gemma Teller. The film, which is a prequel to the storyline of Sons will also introduce fans to Jax’s father, John, who will be played by Brad Pitt.

“I am most excited about bringing Brad (Pitt) on as John Teller, he is absolutely perfect for the role. The movie will take place from the day Jax was born, and leads up to the era just before Sons Of Anarchy began as a series.”

Sutter also said that he is really happy to bring Ryan Hurst back as Opie Winston, and hopes fans will forgive him for killing Opie off. “Man I tell ya, when we killed Opie off, it was like the thing turned real. I’ve never gone public with this, but I’ve had people get really crazy when they see me in public,” said Sutter. “They shout at me, and they get angry – ‘You shouldn’t have killed Ope! I hope you rot in Hell!,’ that sort of thing. I had people try to run me off the road when they recognized me, although that just might be because I’m kind of a dangerous driver. Anyway, my hope is that this film will help them cope.”

Sutter says pre-production on film will begin in the middle of 2015, and will begin shooting sometime in the fall. “For a movie of this scope, with this much storyline attached, you should expect to see the film by the end of 2016,” said Sutter. “In the mean time, buy all the official Sons of Anarchy merchandise you can. Every dollar goes to helping get this movie completed. Brad Pitt isn’t cheap, you know.”




Televangelist T.D. Jakes Wants ‘Peppa Pig’ Cartoon Taken Off Air, Claims Show Contains Racist Subliminal Messages

DALLAS, Texas – Televangelist T.D. Jakes Wants 'Peppa Pig' Cartoon Taken Off Air, Claims Show Contains Racist Subliminal Messages

Superstar television evangelist T.D. Jakes is in the news this morning, after ranting about a popular children’s cartoon during a radio interview on WGOD AM,  a non-profit, non-denominational based radio program which airs throughout the state of Texas.

Jakes, who is Bishop of The Potter’s House, the famous mega-church located in Dallas, claims that the animated children’s program Peppa Pig contains several unethical subconscious messages, most notably of sexual and racist content.

“We live together in a loving world, and sometimes that gets taken advantage of in an evil manner,” Jakes said. “Recently it was brought to my attention by a nice young lady in our congregation that while watching the cartoon program Peppa Pig, she noticed several suspicious, and very adult, references. When I sat down with her to watch an episode, I was overwhelmingly appalled to learn that her suspicions were, in fact, reality.”

The 57-year-old Man of God went on to explain that the characters featured on Peppa Pig highly resembled penises, and that characters were often gallivanting and making racist comments.

“They snort and laugh at the other animals, making fun of anyone who is not a pig. Plus, all the pig faces are drawn to look like penises and testicles. In the episode I watched, they told the rabbit and the turtle to ‘sit in the back of the bus’ as they snorted and giggled,” Jakes said. “It’s really inappropriate for young children. They even make reference to ‘muddy puddles,’ which is definitely a slang for African-Americans if I’ve ever heard one. Despicable!”

This is not the first time Peppa Pig has been called out for being racist. Members of the Muslim communities in the United Kingdom, where the show is recorded and produced, signed a petition in recent months claiming the show was clearly anti-Muslim and promoted the gross consumption of pork.

Empire News attempted to contact Jakes to no avail, but Nickelodeon officials did return an email saying there was absolutely no truth behind the claims of racism or sexual innuendo, and that the popular children’s program would continue to be aired in heavy rotation.

Peppa Pig, as most parents of toddlers are no doubt aware, currently airs at least 167 times daily, on networks such as Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. in the United States, and several others internationally.




‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ TV Series Picked up by SPIKE TV

HOLLYWOOD, California – 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo' TV Series Picked up by SPIKE TV

Recently cancelled by TLC, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been picked up by SPIKE TV, and will have new episodes airing in January. TLC cancelled the show when “Mama June” broke things off with her husband, Sugar Bear, and moved in with convicted child molester Mark McDaniel. TLC executives said they felt that June’s actions were putting her family in harm’s way, and although they resolved to continue paying for her children’s education and counseling, they would no longer be airing the TV show.

“A trailer trash mom with young children has a convicted child molester move in, that’s just the kind of plot twist our viewers love!” said Mike Miller, SPIKE TV program manager. “Little Honey Boo Boo in danger every night, now that’s TV! We at SPIKE do our best to make sure Honey Boo Boo and McDaniel spend as much time together as possible.The first episode will have Mama June winning a three-day vacation, leaving McDaniel home to watch the kids. It will be dynamite TV. I’m looking forward to this being one of our highest rated shows, and I have so much confidence in it, we will put it to directly compete against MTV’s 12 and Pregnant. 

“I want to thank SPIKE TV for giving me and my Honey Boo Boo a second chance,” said Mama June.”I don’t know what all the fuss was about anyway, Mark is a good man. He loves me and the kids, he’s not a molester – he’s just a touchy-feely kind of guy. He just keeps forgetting he don’t live alone anymore, I’m always yelling at him not to walk around naked in front of the youngins. Anyway, I’m glad Mark’s here, the medications I’m on just know me right out at night, ain’t nothing can wake me up, so it’s nice to have a man around to keep the kids safe.”

Because TLC owns the rights to the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo titles, the Spike TV version will be called There Goes Honey Boo Boo. “It’s better than our original title, I think, which was Here Cums Mark McDaniel.


Classic TV’s ‘Batman’ Costume Destroyed By Moths

FRESNO, California – Classic TV’s ‘Batman’ Costume Destroyed By Moths

According to Neilsen Media Research, some of today’s highest rated programs are broadcast on the top 3 “throwback” networks:  Antenna TV, Cozi TV, and MeTV, acronym for Memorable Entertainment Television.

Memorabilia from favorite shows, including props and costumes used or worn by familiar characters can bring thousands of fans to TV nostalgia conventions.

One of the most instantly recognizable outfits is the famous “bat suit,” worn by Adam West, TV’s ‘Batman.’  Based on the famous comic strip, the television series ran from 1966–1968.  The “caped crusader” donned the purple top and tights, black cowl, cape and boots during the show’s 120-episode run.

Batman’s clever “bat” devices made him indestructible against Gotham City’s villains and villainesses, but sadly, his famous get-up was not so well protected.  The well-known bat suit has fallen victim to perhaps the most evil villain of them all – Mother Nature.

Moth and vermin infestation has tragically destroyed Batman’s famous suit.  The heartbreaking discovery was made public just weeks before the 30th annual Convention of Television Yesteryears, to be held in Frensno, California.

“That was the biggest draw we had by far,” said convention coordinator Mark Delaney.  “We were keeping it a big surprise until the last minute.  We were going to do a big reveal with special guest stars Adam West and Burt Ward doing the unveiling.  We were so excited, we rented the motel suites and everything, but now I just want to crawl in a hole and drop dead,” added Delaney.

A representative from the cold-storage facility protecting the Batman costume, among others, provided the following statement:

Unfortunately, due to a massive power failure affecting the surrounding business district, a compromise in quality was encountered which resulted in damage and loss to some of the inventory housed and protected within our facility.  Insurance investigators are conducting an assessment so that clients will be fully compensated for damages and loss.

“They say they can fully compensate us,” said Delaney, “but what’s the value on something that millions of people love and remember?  It’s like a part of my childhood and the childhoods of millions of fans all over the world has been burned to ashes and then flushed down the toilet, or in this case destroyed by moths, and then burned to ashes and then flushed down the toilet!  How much value can be placed on that?” he asked.

Insurance investigator Yvonne Meredith commented on the progress of the investigation.

“Well, from what I’ve been able to see, it’s pretty bad.  When the power went out, the magnetic locks on the climate-controlled vaults failed.  All kinds of things were able to get inside there.  The Batman costume was chewed through with holes.  They must have been super-moths to do that sort of damage, or maybe some other kind of insect or rodent.  I saw a hat once worn by Lorne Greene from Bonanza with mice making a nest out of it, and some feral cats had scratched up Robert Conrad’s pants from Wild, Wild West.  That’s a real tragedy,” she added, shaking her head.

As for the convention, “The show must go on,” said Delaney, trying to sound cheerful as he tacked bunting onto a display booth.  “This one thing shouldn’t ruin the entire event.  A lot of people look forward to this convention every year.  It’s like a family.  I can’t let them down just because I want to crawl in a hole and drop dead.  I’m going to keep my chin up for the fans.”

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.