SHELTON, West Virginia –
A new breed of wood tick has been discovered in West Virginia, and is causing a panic among vegetarians and vegans. Along side the “reverse zombie” or “lone star” tick, which has been confirmed to trigger a red meat allergy in those bitten by the little assholes, the new “hippie tick” will make you allergic to vegetables.
“All vegetarians, vegans, and general vegetable lovers need to know about this tick,” said USDA spokesman Carl Richards. “The Reverse Zombie tick is horrible for all of us people who eat real food, like steak and cheeseburgers, but now the Hippie Tick, as we’ve come to call it, is out there – and it’s really screwing up things for all those pussy vegans.”
The Hippie Tick, which is actually known as the Ixodida Aracnodia, is small and brownish-red, like many ticks. They live in large, green grassy areas, and are especially fond of moist or wet areas – both in nature and on your body.
“Always check everywhere on your body for these little guys,” said Richards. “They’re known to be found in ear cavities, under armpits or breasts, and in rectums or vaginal cavities. They love hot, wet, smelly areas.”
So far, there are no vaccinations against the bites of either the Reverse Zombie or Hippie Tick, and neither disease is curable once contracted.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The US Health Department has issued warnings in 6 states – New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, and Rhode Island – about a dangerous and deadly new breed of tick that will immediately burrow into human skin, and can actually live under your flesh for days or even weeks undetected.
Dr. James Monroe, head of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, issued the warning through the White House, who sent out examples of the tick to all 50 states – with specific warnings in the 6 targeted states that the ticks have been found.
“So far, we’ve had over 800 cases in 6 states, mostly in New England at this time,” said Dr. Monroe. “It is rapidly reaching epidemic levels, and the nature of these insects is disturbing. They will burrow under human flesh, and can feed on your blood from within your body, much like a ‘regular’ tick will do now, but the variance being that these ticks are much more deadly, and much more likely to make their way into you undetected. It is advisable that people stay out of heavily wooded areas, or any place with high grass or plants.”
Dr. Monroe says that of the 800 cases, there has been 19 reported deaths, mostly elderly people, whose bodies were not able to fight off the bacteria released by the ticks. Whereas a regular or deer tick is commonly known for carrying Lyme Disease, these new “super ticks” carry a disease more likened to the Black Plague, causing nightmarish fevers, aches, heart problems, and possible death.