13-Year-Old Impregnated From Toilet Seat In Burger King Bathroom

SAN DIEGO, California –

According to her parents, an unnamed 13-year-old girl has become pregnant after visiting a local Burger King restaurant, where they say semen that was on the seat must have caused her to conceive.

“The manger at the Burger King was throwing a man out of the restaurant as we were walking in, and when we asked what happened, they said they found him in the women’s bathroom,” said the girl’s mother, who asked to just be referred to as Mary. “It was disgusting, but there are a lot of perverts in this world. We still enjoyed our burgers and then we went home.”

Before they left, though, Mary says her daughter went in to use the restroom.

“She mentioned that it was dirty and there was something on the seat, and I scolded her for not hovering like I always say to do in public,” said Mary. “But I didn’t think too much of it after that, until about 6 weeks later.”

According to Mary, her daughter complained of cramps after a missed period, and doctors confirmed she was pregnant.

“Our daughter does not even have a boyfriend. She’s never even seen a penis before, so I know that she is telling the truth when she says it had to be the toilet,” said Mary. “I’ve confirmed with multiple physicians who say although rare, it’s entirely possible that the disgusting man’s semen could have impregnated my daughter if it is was still fresh enough.”

Mary says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Burger King for not “properly cleaning” their establishment.

“We’re a Catholic family, so abortion is out of the question here,” said Mary. “I will certainly make sure that Burger King pays for this child for the rest of its life, though, I’ll see to that. I only thank God that the pervert was white.”

WILKES-BARRE, Pennsylvania –

A woman has been arrested today after police say she brutally murdered her husband in their Wilkes-Barre home late Sunday evening. Jennifer Latorre, age 36, claims that she feels no remorse, and says that her husband “deserved to die” for his mistakes.

According to police reports, Jennifer’s husband, John Latorre, 39, had apparently forgotten to put the toilet seat back down after using the bathroom, even though he was requested to several times by his wife. Jennifer Latorre claims she warned her husband every day for weeks that if he didn’t put the seat down that she would stab him in his “balls, ass, and face.”

The state coroner’s report showed that John Latorre was stabbed over 47 times with a long, sharp object, with several wounds to the face being the ones that killed him. Police believe that he was stabbed with a kitchen knife.

Neighbors reportedly overheard an argument in the Latorre home, which led to what sounded like a violent altercation, and they immediately called police.

“When we arrived on the scene, there was blood all over the kitchen, living room, and bathroom,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Wilkes-Barre Police Department. “It’s almost as if she dragged him from the kitchen into the bathroom to show him his mistake, because when we arrived, the toilet seat had been put down.”

“I stabbed him once for every time he left the seat up,” said Jennifer Latorre. “I see no reason that a man should not be killed if you ask him to do one simple thing after another simple, goddamn thing, and he just can’t be bothered. A man like that is useless.”

Several women’s groups throughout the country have begun showing their support for Jennifer, saying that they will pool their resources to make sure she gets “the best lawyer money can buy.”

“Jennifer Latorre is an inspiration to all married women who deal with cheating husbands, stupid husbands, or just plain assholes,” said Melissa Jean, founder of the Women Come First movement. “Every woman who has to deal with a husband who can’t be bothered to listen to his wife should take note of Jennifer’s action. Your time will come, sisters! Your time will come!”

“She is the most sociopathic person I’ve ever encountered,” said Officer Goldsmith. “She went over the murder and ensuing events with us like we were old friends and she was telling us a boring story. It was the most graphic thing I have heard about or seen since joining the force, and it still chills me to my core. The fact that this happened over a toilet seat, and literally nothing else, is profoundly disturbing. I can tell you what, though – I’ll never leave the seat up in my house again.”