Trump Reportedly Changed Every Toilet In The White House Because He Didn’t Want To Use The Same Ones As Obama

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An anonymous staffer from within the White House has confirmed that President Trump has had every toilet in the building replaced since moving in, in an effort to not have to “shit in the same pot” as former president Obama.

“He not only replaced them all, he replaced all the porcelain with gold toilets,” said the staffer. “It’s kind of ridiculous. But it wasn’t about showing off his affluence, it was all because he didn’t want to sit anywhere that Obama sat. He thinks he might ‘catch something,’ because Obama is black, and by his logic, probably has AIDs or other diseases.”

President Trump had no comment on the toilet change-over, except to say that he thought that they looked “much nicer” the new way.

 

Woman Suffers Severe Rectum Burns After Cell Phone Falls In Toilet, Shorts Out

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DAYTONA BEACH, Florida – 

A 28-year-old woman was hospitalized with severe burns to her buttocks, rectum, and vagina after her cell phone fell out of her pants pocket while she was in the process of sitting down in a restaurant bathroom, landing in the toilet. The water shorted out the phone, causing a small explosion inside the toilet bowl. The explosion is what caused the woman to get burned.

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“I’m not going to lie, it was really hilarious,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Daytona Medical Center. “My wife drops her stupid phone in the toilet constantly. So does my teenage daughter. I don’t know why women insist on putting their phones in their back pocket. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Dr. Brown says that the patient, whose name is not being released, will have minor scarring, but in the future, he warns that the case could have been a lot worse.

“She could have died, easily, from her injuries,” said Dr. Brown. “I caution women everywhere to stop putting their phones in their back pockets, stop wearing stupid little jeans with tiny pockets, or stop having phones all together. This is a tragic, yet stupidly ridiculous, circumstance, that I never want to have to deal with again. Be safe, girls.”

Woman Violently Murders Husband After Finding Toilet Seat Left Up

WILKES-BARRE, Pennsylvania – Woman Violently Kills Husband After Finding Toilet Seat Left Up

A woman has been arrested today after police say she brutally murdered her husband in their Wilkes-Barre home late Sunday evening. Jennifer Latorre, age 36, claims that she feels no remorse, and says that her husband “deserved to die” for his mistakes.

According to police reports, Jennifer’s husband, John Latorre, 39, had apparently forgotten to put the toilet seat back down after using the bathroom, even though he was requested to several times by his wife. Jennifer Latorre claims she warned her husband every day for weeks that if he didn’t put the seat down that she would stab him in his “balls, ass, and face.”

The state coroner’s report showed that John Latorre was stabbed over 47 times with a long, sharp object, with several wounds to the face being the ones that killed him. Police believe that he was stabbed with a kitchen knife.

Neighbors reportedly overheard an argument in the Latorre home, which led to what sounded like a violent altercation, and they immediately called police.

“When we arrived on the scene, there was blood all over the kitchen, living room, and bathroom,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Wilkes-Barre Police Department. “It’s almost as if she dragged him from the kitchen into the bathroom to show him his mistake, because when we arrived, the toilet seat had been put down.”

“I stabbed him once for every time he left the seat up,” said Jennifer Latorre. “I see no reason that a man should not be killed if you ask him to do one simple thing after another simple, goddamn thing, and he just can’t be bothered. A man like that is useless.”

Several women’s groups throughout the country have begun showing their support for Jennifer, saying that they will pool their resources to make sure she gets “the best lawyer money can buy.”

“Jennifer Latorre is an inspiration to all married women who deal with cheating husbands, stupid husbands, or just plain assholes,” said Melissa Jean, founder of the Women Come First movement. “Every woman who has to deal with a husband who can’t be bothered to listen to his wife should take note of Jennifer’s action. Your time will come, sisters! Your time will come!”

“She is the most sociopathic person I’ve ever encountered,” said Officer Goldsmith. “She went over the murder and ensuing events with us like we were old friends and she was telling us a boring story. It was the most graphic thing I have heard about or seen since joining the force, and it still chills me to my core. The fact that this happened over a toilet seat, and literally nothing else, is profoundly disturbing. I can tell you what, though – I’ll never leave the seat up in my house again.”

 

 

Convenience Store Bottles Water From Toilet, Small Town In Uproar

CRAWFORD, Texas – Convenience Store Bottles Water From Toilet, Small Town In Uproar

“Don’t drink the water” is clichéd advice given to tourists traveling to certain foreign countries, where health standards aren’t up to par with those found in the United States. This time though, Texas locals had to heed those wise words as news spread that the “Li’l Roundup” convenience store, located in Crawford, was selling bottled water sourced from – believe it or not – a toilet in the back of the store.

“Technically, it was the toilet tank, not the bowl,” said store proprietor Herb Walker, recently released on bond. “When you say toilet, people automatically think of the toilet bowl, and that’s just gross. The water in the tank is fresh, so I didn’t see a real problem with filling the bottles from there, except I guess I was using Quicky Glue to re-seal the bottles, and that’s kind of toxic.”

Crawford PD officer Harlan Jeffords made the discovery by accident, when driving around town with his six-year-old son Becker. “Beck had to go to the bathroom, you know like kids always do, so we pulled up to the ‘Roundup’ and Beck comes out of there with his pockets stuffed with water bottle caps. I asked him where he got them and he said ‘they’re in the bathroom.’”

Jeffords took a look and found a cardboard box with hundreds of bottle caps. When he asked the store owner what they were doing in the bathroom, the facts came spilling out.

“He looked kind of embarrassed, like a little kid when you catch one doing something bad,” said Jeffords, “but finally we got the truth out of him. There were about two hundred small used water bottles in another box along with the Quicky Glue, and finally we put the pieces together.”

Officer Jeffords initially thought the water was coming from the bathroom sink, but Walker revealed the actual source when describing the operation. “The bottles wouldn’t fit in that tiny sink,” said Walker. “I tried. It was easier to dunk the bottles in the tank, and ‘bubble them up full,’ and then I’d seal the bottles back up. It’s bad enough folks think I’m a crook, now they think I run an unsanitary operation and that I’m some kind of pig.”

Walker faces a stiff fine, and possible jail time on health department violations. A court appearance is scheduled for Dec. 1 at the Crawford County Courthouse.

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