Atlanta Falcons Say Brady, Patriots Cheated Their Way To Super Bowl Victory

Posted on February 6, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOUSTON, Texas –

A representative for the Atlanta Falcons says that the team has made an official complaint with the NFL, stating that the New England Patriots cheated during the second half of the Super Bowl, causing the Falcons to lose.

In official documents signed by Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank and endorsed by head coach Dan Quinn, the team alleges that the New England Patriots cheated by having, “huge, over-inflated balls.”

“During the first half of the game, the Patriots clearly were using their normal balls. Hell, they might have been using slightly under-inflated balls, honestly,” said coach Dan Quinn. “I don’t know exactly what happened after the 3rd quarter, but when they came back out on the field, that team was definitely playing with an entirely new set of balls – and their balls were huge, and way larger than before.”

The NFL is not taking the accusation lightly, as the Patriots have known to play with their balls on previous occasions, with team quarterback and GOAT Tom Brady even being suspended for several games for knowingly playing with deflated balls.

“We are looking at the Patriots balls very closely, as we cannot and will not take any accusation lightly of the Patriots playing with either small or large balls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “I have personally taken up the task of looking at Tom Brady’s balls, and will report my findings at a later conference.

In the mean time, football fans across New England are overjoyed at their team bringing home their 5th Super Bowl win.

“It’s a great time to be alive,” said Patriots Super Fan Mark Chilsom. “I don’t care a lick about balls, to be honest. That was the greatest game I’ve ever seen played, with a record-setting comeback. If it was because Tom Brady and the team came out to play with huge balls in the 4th, well the so be it.”

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

DENVER, Colorado –

A true NFL legend has reported hat he will be calling it quits with his football career. Peyton Manning, the long standing all-star quarterback, has announced he will retire, effective immediately. The star player says he would like to thank everyone who has helped him in his journey.

“I stayed in it for a few more years than I wanted, trying to finish my season with a Super Bowl win, but I realized that I may not have the ability to do that,” said Manning. “I want to go out with some pride. I would love another ring but these young guys are getting better and better, and I just can’t keep up. I’m not Tom Brady, after all.”

The team appears to be supporting Manning on his decision, and the official announcement is that they ‘appreciate the time’ they got to spend with him. Coaches of the team say they are upset with the loss of their quarterback, but tell us they have faith in their team and will find a way to win.

“I’ve had a great career with great people, I won a Super Bowl, broke records, and even got to make pizzas. Not every QB can say the same thing, and I’m grateful to say that I have,” said Manning.

The Denver Broncos have not announced who will be replacing Manning, but sources confirmed that Tim Tebow was called in for a meeting with the organization.

“I cannot confirm or deny the reports that we have met with the Tim Tebow,” said Denver Broncos spokesman Gerald Dyster. “Peyton Manning has announced he would be leaving the team, but that’s all we know right now. He’ll be missed, no doubt, by any true fan of the game. Thankfully, though, we’ve all still got Tom Brady to watch year after year.”

Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady Announces Retirement, Says NFL ‘Just Not Challenging Anymore’

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After leading his team, like a fearless warrior against arrogant showboating thugs, to a come-from-behind victory over the defending Super Bowl champions the Seattle Seahawks last night, four-time Lombardi Trophy winning quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL. The announcement came in an unscheduled, private press briefing, which consisted of only six people, including wife Gisele, head coach Bill Belichick, team owner Robert Kraft, and two reporters, at the team’s headquarters in Foxborough.

“While I am greatly honored to have been a key part of this incredible franchise, it is with bittersweet sentiment that I stand before you and announce that I have decided to end my career with a bang,” the fifteen-year NFL veteran said. “The game has just become too easy, it’s just not challenging anymore. Look at this game film again. As you can see, I threw the two interceptions on purpose just to make the game more exciting. It was kind of like playing a toddler in Madden on XBox, and letting them get a ten-point lead so that the victory seemed more exciting. Today’s players just don’t have the skill-set or passion. When people start accusing you of deflating footballs, there is an issue.”

Brady, who is married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, completed a Super Bowl record of 37 passes, and threw for 4 touchdowns. He went on to discuss tenative future plans. “Well I think I am going to take some time to relax, enjoy my sexy wife, and eventually pursue a career in modeling to keep busy,” Brady stated confidently.

Belichick, who was standing with his back against the rear wall, stated that coaching Brady was a pleasure, but the team would move on without him happily. “Tom was a great quarterback for this franchise and I love him dearly, but it’s time for him to go. I am glad I had the opportunity to make him who he is. He couldn’t have done it without me.”

Tom Brady’s Wife Gisele Bündchen Says She’ll Sleep With Super Bowl MVP

Posted on January 27, 2015 by Abe Abrams

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

Tom Brady’s supermodel wife, Gisele Bündchen, has reportedly put her body where her mouth is. After the Patriot’s crushing loss to the Giants in Super Bowl XLVI, Brady’s wife says that she is offering the team an incentive to step up their game for this year – by offering to sleep with the MVP when the Pats win.

“I want my husband to get his fourth Super Bowl ring,” said Bündchen. ”I’m hoping by offering to sleep with the MVP, the rest of the team will work as hard as Tom always does. Tom wants to win too, of course, and I know he’s behind this decision. The whole idea really gets the team fired up. Plus, Tom’s pretty confident that when they win, which they obviously will, that he will be the MVP. Secretly, it’s the only reason that I’m even doing this. I wouldn’t sleep with a football player if I wasn’t already married to one. Plus, my God, can you imagine sleeping with anyone on the Seahawks? Yikes. It does help, too, that Tom’s the sexiest hunk to ever wear pads.”

“Well I know as far as I’m concerned, I’m definitely going to play harder,” said New England’s Rob Gronkowski. ”Personally, I’d really to showing Gisele why it is that I’m a tight end.”

“Gisele is a real team player, and she is going to make this victory extremely sweet,” said Brady. “In all honesty, there’s no doubt in my mind that I will be MVP, so I really don’t care about this whole ‘announcement’ anyway. I supported her because, hell, it’s just nice to see the team fired up for once. Plus, all this talk about my smoking hot wife really takes your mind off deflated balls, if you know what I mean.”

Tom Brady Admits To Deflating Balls During AFC Championship Game

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

Star quarterback for the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, who along with his team is under investigation from the NFL for possibly using under-inflated balls during their AFC Championship win over the Indianapolis Colts, admitted this morning that there were a number of balls deflated during the game.

“I’m sorry to say that yes, there were deflated balls during the AFC Championship game,” said Brady during a press conference Friday morning. “We didn’t want to have to admit this, because it’s not something we, as a team, would normally talk about, but in discussing this with the rest of the guys, we have decided to come clean about everything.”

Reporters, who were eager to hear about the sideline events during the Patriots massacre of a 45-7 win over the Colts, were given more info than even they bargained for.

“You see, we don’t have to deflate our footballs to win games,” said Brady. “We are the New England Patriots, and we can dominate everyone. We’re a dynasty. We have been winning games for eons. But yes, we definitely deflated some balls that day.”

“We deflated the balls of every player on the Colts,” explained Brady. “We deflated their balls when we rushed over them. We deflated their balls when every time we made a touchdown, they had to look up at the scoreboards with tears in their eyes. Hell, we deflated the balls of their fans, as they watched us crush their team that, in all honesty, only plays at slightly above the level of a Pee-Wee Football team. Yes, we deflated some balls, that’s for sure. But we certainly didn’t have to deflate any footballs to beat a team in our home.”

Currently, no penalties are being lobbied by the NFL to the New England Patriots over the severe deflating of balls that the Colts team and fans were forced to endure.

Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady Quits Team After Argument With Coach Belichick

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After an argument with New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, quarterback Tom Brady walked out of a team meeting earlier today, packed up his personal belongings, and has shockingly quit the team.

Brady, in his fifteenth NFL season, reportedly got into a heated argument with Belichick just as a pre-Super Bowl team meeting was coming to a close, after the two disagreed on where to take the team out for dinner.

“It all started over where we were going to eat, to celebrate the AFC championship. Coach wanted to go to Benihana’s, and T-Dawg wanted to go to Zanzibar. Things spiraled out of control from there,” defensive tackle Vince Wilfork said. “But it wasn’t just about that. One thing led to another, and then they ended up fighting over which movie we would all go see tomorrow night. Coach wanted to see Into The Woods, and Tom wanted to see American Sniper. That argument is when things got real. T threw up his arms and said ‘I quit, let Jimmy play in the Super Bowl, I’m tired of winning them anyway, been there done that. Have fun.’ He then packed his things and left. It was some crazy shit.”

Tight end Rob Gronkowski said the two had been feuding all season over the smallest things. “It has been like this all season long. Anything they could possibly argue over, they have. One night they argued over the official name of a specific shade of the color blue in our logos, and damn near came to blows. I literally think they are both just sick and tired of winning,” Gronkowski added.

The Patriots, coming off a staggering lopsided victory where they beat the Indianapolis Colts 45-7 in the AFC championship, will take on the reigning Super Bowl champions, the Seattle Seahawks, on February 1st in the Super Bowl.

New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady To Pose Nude For Playgirl Magazine

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SACRAMENTO, California –

Tom Brady’s wife Gisele apparently isn’t the only model in the family. In a press release from Brady’s publicist, Antionette McCandless, it was announced that the superstar quarterback will pose fully nude in Playgirl Magazine.

“Both Tom and Gisele are very excited about his upcoming shoot,” McCandless said. “Year after year, he has been voted by female fans of the NFL as the sexiest athlete in the world. He is really going for it here, and is going to show the world all that he has – while also showing why he has the most beautiful woman in the world as a wife.”

Crescent Publishing Group, based in Sacramento, California, who publishes the magazine, say this is a great opportunity for them to also reach out to their massive gay male demographic.

“Everyone knows we produce a magazine for women, but it has an even larger following in the gay male community,” CPG spokesperson Tamara Rollins said. “We get shot huge loads of emails from our consumers every day, and most of them are from men. You would not believe how many emails and letters we have received over the years requesting we get Tom Brady in an issue. To be honest, I’m pretty surprised at how many gay men are avid football fans. It’s probably the tight pants.”

CPG has not announced when the issue would be released, but said that it would be at least a few months before they could meet with him for the pictorial, as Brady has several obligations related to the Patriots organization, as well as several charities in which his involved.

In 2010, Playgirl made a desperate attempt to lure in controversial quarterback Michael Vick to no avail. Over the years, they’ve reached out to other NFL players as well. “It is really difficult to get any major athlete involved in our publication, and of course that is what women, and many men, want to see when they open Playgirl magazine,” said Rollins. “Player’s agents have made it a really tough nut to bust for our magazine.”