Jim Henson, Sesame Street To Release Books About Homosexuality For Children

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Jim Henson Productions, the company behind the long-running TV series Sesame Street, as well as the current popular sitcom The Muppets, is reportedly releasing a line of books aimed at children that will help them to better understand sexuality, gender, and bodily functions. The books will feature characters from Sesame Street, as well as other well-known Henson creations.

“We really think that kids should learn at a young age that it’s okay to be gay, and it’s okay to be different,” said Henson company spokesman Mary Clarke. “There’s nothing wrong with experimenting with your friends when your young, so we wrote a book about that, called Elmo Experiments, and its about Elmo learning about homosexuality while touching other Sesame characters. It’s all very normal.”

Normalcy is exactly what these books hope to explain, and that even “being different” in a current society is also a way of being normal.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay. There’s nothing wrong with being transgender. There’s nothing wrong with you no matter what you’re like,” said Clarke. “We want children to know that, and we want them to learn that the things they’re feeling and the things happening to their bodies, those are normal things.”

Other titles in the series will include Elmo Discovers His Anus, Bert and Ernie Take A Bath Together, Big Bird Wears A Dress, and Oscar The Grouch Gets An Old Fashioned From a Hooker.

“We also hope to release a series of books about bodily functions, such as Elmo Takes a Dump and That’s Okay; Big Bird Has To Piss; and Grover Grows Hair Down There,” said Clarke. “We think kids, and parents, will love them all.”

Morgan Freeman Reportedly Transitioning To Female, Changing Name To Morgan Freewoman

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Actor Morgan Freeman, best known for being the black guy in every film ever made, has reportedly come out as transgendered, and has been seen dressing as a woman while out and about in Los Angeles.

“I can’t take it seriously, I just can’t,” said an onlooker at La Fete, a famous Hollywood lounge. “I saw Morgan Freeman walk in, and he’s wearing a blonde wig and bright purple eyeshadow. It was ridiculous. I know I should be more respectful – it was hard enough not laughing hysterically the first time I saw Bruce Jenner walking down the street in pumps, but this was just a new level of absurd.”

Freeman was reached out to be media outlets, and he confirmed that yes, he had been dressing as a woman.

“I’ve been dressing this way for many, many years, but it was only when I saw how brave Caitlyn Jenner was that I was able to be brave, too,” said Freeman. “I would like it very much if people could respect my wishes, though, and now refer to me as Morgan Freewoman.”

“I mean, I think Caitlyn Jenner is a piece of shit who should be in jail for her part in, you know, killing someone,” said one of Morgan Freewoman’s fans, Joe Goldsmith. “She, he, whatever, can go straight to hell. Bigoted bitch. Morgan Freewoman, on the other hand, is a beautiful, and respectful person who deserves to be able to have some privacy during this time.”

UFC Champion Ronda Rousey Admits To Being Born A Man

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

UFC Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey has reportedly admitted that she was born a man, having undergone gender reassignment surgery when she was 15.

“I was born a man genetically, but I was definitely a woman on the inside,” said Rousey. “Coincidentally, I am still kind of a man on the outside, and that has definitely helped me to have a bit of an advantage in the ring.”

According to UFC rules, the only thing that designates whether a contender is a man or a woman is their genitals, and several people have come forward alleging that Rousey is, indeed, a woman now.

“I can honestly say that she definitely has the girl parts now,” said an anonymous UFC fighter. “I had no problem taking her in bed, but with that in mind, I can honestly say there’s no way in hell I’d ever want to step into the ring with her.”

“It doesn’t matter that I was born with a penis, which would also mean I was born with a completely different body style and ability to gain muscle mass and strength equal to that of a man, giving me a massive advantage over skinny, ugly women in the ring,” said Rousey. “What matters is how I feel about myself, and damn, I feel like a woman.”

Playboy Magazine Announces Caitlyn Jenner As November Centerfold

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

It already seemed like a major joke when, last week, Playboy magazine announced that it would no longer feature nude women, and instead would focus on the articles and interviews. The company, who removed nudity from their website in 2013, did say that they would keep the one piece of nudity that everyone loved: the centerfold.

Continuing with the idea of making their subscription numbers as low as possible, Playboy announced that November’s issue would feature Caitlyn Jenner, fully nude, as the centerfold.

“We are very excited to have Caitlyn join our long line of prestigious centerfolds,” said Playboy owner Hugh Hefner, 104. “And what a glorious time to have a she-man in the magazine. In 2015, we can have a black man as president, and we can have a chick with a dick in the Playboy centerfold. Readers-shmeaders. Everyone will want to buy this issue.”

Jenner could not be reached for comment, but her reps said that she is “extremely excited” to show the world her new, woman-ish body that still has a penis.

‘Trendy’ Parents Won’t Acknowledge Baby’s Gender, Say ‘Let Baby Decide’

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

A new trend rising among young parents is to not acknowledge their new baby’s gender based on their genitalia, saying that referring to a young child as “he” or “she” could be considered ableist and transphobic.

“Our new baby has female genitalia, but we do not say ‘she’ when referring to it,” said mother Amanda Barnes, 21. “We don’t know if Baby Pat will choose to be a woman or man as it gets older, and we are definitely not forcing any stereotypes onto our child. That is disgusting.”

Many new parents say that they have decided to not provide gender information even to their own relatives, instead asking that their children be referred to as “babyself.”

“I have two children, a 3-year-old and a newborn baby, and we refer to them as ‘toddlerself’ and ‘babyself,’ because no one is putting labels on my children, not even me,” said Leslie Jones, 26, of Los Angeles. “When they are old enough to choose what gender they want to be, then that’s when we’ll start using proper pronouns. For now, they’re just baby and toddler.”

When asked why she did not name her children, Jones says that would be going “too far.”

“If I chose the wrong name, based on their genitalia and not their chosen gender, what would that make me look like as a parent? As a human being?” said Jones. “That’s disgusting, and no parents should be naming their children. You can’t choose gender, and you shouldn’t choose names, either.”

Kim Davis Accidentally Issues Marriage License To Transgender Couple

Posted on September 5, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

ROWAN COUNTY, Kentucky –

Kim Davis, the woman who repeatedly refused to issue a marriage license to a gay couple and has since received national media attention, reportedly didn’t have a problem issuing other marriage licenses during the same time period, as it was recently discovered that she signed her name on the license of a transgender couple.

“She didn’t bat an eye when we walked in, and asked for a marriage license,” said Jennifer Jones, formerly Joseph Jones. “We had all of our paperwork in order, we asked, she smiled, signed it, and handed it over. It was that easy.”

“I was surprised, to be honest, that it went so smoothly,” said Jones’ husband, Marshall Rogers, formerly Michelle Rogers. “I mean, we’ve both completely transitioned from one sex to the other, and as far as anyone is concerned, I am a male, and Jennifer is female. But to be truthful, we both look like we are a bit…off. She still has a 5 o’clock shadow. I’ve still got little buds of boobs. At any rate, Ms. Davis didn’t seem to question it, and we received our marriage license with no issue. Sad, really. We kind of only did it to get in on the attention, too, and we had no problems.”

Davis, who despite being married and divorced several times, as well as having children out of wedlock, is apparently devoutly religious, to the point that she would not “sign her own name” to a marriage license of a homosexual couple. Since the massive media attention brought to her, she has been arrested and reportedly removed from her position as county clerk for violating federal laws.

“It’s a sad day, really, when a couple like us can get married and a bigot has no problems signing her name to it, but yet that nice gay couple had to go through everything they did just to have the option to get married,” said Jones. “Apparently, it’s okay to deny some gay men a marriage license, but not some trans folk like us. I guess one of those guys should have just put on a wig, and it all might have been okay.”

Caitlyn Jenner To Have Fetus Surgically Implanted

Posted on July 19, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

LOS ANGELES, California –

In an exclusive interview with Newsmonth Magazine last week, Caitlyn Jenner says that she is interested in taking the next step in becoming a woman. Although Jenner has clearly undertaken several surgeries to change the look of her face, she has reportedly stopped short of some of the “larger” surgeries one would undergo to fully transition from man to woman. Apparently, though, this hasn’t stopped Jenner from jumping a few steps, and going straight into surgical implantation of a fetus.

“I don’t know where they’re putting it just yet,” said Jenner to Newsmonth. “There are some scientific things to work out, and there are some biological things that we’re working out, but at my age and with my birth-assigned gender, going through a surgery to have a fetus implanted is the only way I can become a mom.”

“I have no idea why Dad…Mom…Caitlyn…I have no idea why the person formally known as Bruce Jenner would want to go through a pregnancy, or whatever this would be, at his…her…aw hell, I don’t know what pronoun to use,” said Jenner’s son Joey Jenner. “The hell with it. This entire idea is stupid, every bit of it. I’m okay with Dad becoming a woman; whatever, it’s his…ugh, it’s her life. But this is just stupid. What a health risk.”

Doctors say that there is no logical reason they can’t implant Jenner with a fetus, they just also have to implant a uterus, a bunch of other “internal organ” type things, and possibly a birth canal and a vagina.

“I think that Caitlyn Jenner is a marvel of the modern age,” said Dr. Harris Millstead, Jenner’s surgeon. “Bruce Jenner was an Olympian, and he was on a Wheaties box. Caitlyn Jenner won an ESPY and was on the cover of Vanity Fair. Obviously, Jenner has lived a life more full than anyone in the history of the universe. If she wants a baby, then by the powers of medical science, I will give her a damn baby.”

“Frankly, I wish we could just stop talking about her all together,” said Fred Myers, a random person we questioned on the street. “Who cares? Why is Jenner a hero for doing with thousands and thousands of other people did before her? Why is she winning awards for ‘courage’ when she hasn’t done anything courageous? Oh, because her PR team worked out a deal with ABC and ESPN for her to get that award on TV. That’s right. Just like everything else in Hollywood, Caitlyn Jenner is all about packaging herself. This will make for a great episode of I Am Caitlin, that’s obvious.”

Truer words were never spoken.

New Line of Barbies Will Include A Gender-Neutral Version Of Doll

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

After the White House unveiling of a gender-neutral bathroom, Mattel has one-upped the Obamas by announcing release of limited-edition gender neutral dolls.

Androgynous-looking Chris is the first of a serious of the new Everybody Line, which will feature lipstick lesbian, Erica, tough-girl Tonya, and Steven, the hairdresser.

Natalie Brenz says this line was born out of necessity. “We understand there a rainbow of different people out there that Barbie and Ken just don’t represent. We wanted to do something to appease all the special interest groups out there, who hate Barbie and everything she stands for.”

Stock in the company has dropped slightly in what investors are calling a gigantic waste of resources. Mattel has responded that while the initial investment in this line may not pay off in sales, the brand will rewarded for its open mindedness in the long term. “Skinny blonds and boy-band look alikes are on their way out. If people want a chubby Catherine or gay Gary, we’ll make it happen.”

Bruce Jenner Praised As ‘American Hero,’ Transgender People Everywhere Bored By News

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

During an interview with Dianne Sawyer, Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner, best known now for being the former step-father to the clan of Kardashian whores, described his transformation from once-proud man into a now-proud woman. The interview was watched by dozens of people, but so far no transgender people have come forward to say that they had any interest in the interview.

“If it had been someone relevant that they were talking to, then it might have been worth watching,” said Melissa Reynolds, a transgender woman. “Bruce Jenner is just…I mean look at him. He’s a nightmare. American hero? Please. Millions of other people have gone through everything he’s going through, but they didn’t get a damn Dateline interview.”

“I don’t care a dick about Bruce Jenner, personally,” said another transgender woman, Vanessa Royale. “He was on a Wheaties box when my mom was a kid, but I didn’t eat Wheaties anyway, so I can’t be bothered to care. If anything, Laura Jane Grace from the punk band Against Me! is the one they should have been talking to. If they want to teach people about transgender issues, especially young people, having someone they can relate to a little better than Bruce Friggin’ Jenner might have been a better idea.”

Jenner, who is on his way fully becoming a woman, says he has no issue with pronouns, and is comfortable being referred to as either ‘he’ or ‘she,’ and just wants to be allowed to live his life as he sees fit.

“They said that the interview was going to be one that everyone talked about, but I don’t know anyone talking about it,” said Reynolds. “He’s not an American hero for becoming a woman. He was an Olympic hero, sure, but now, he’s just another transgender person who is trying to become what he feels he is on the inside. That’s not heroism, and talking about something that many, many other people have been dealing with or dealt with for years isn’t heroism either. He’s just another part of the pack, now.”

Free Conversion Therapy Offered to Gays Who Have Been Refused Service By Indiana Businesses

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

In an attempt to compensate for individuals and groups affected by the state’s new so-called ‘anti-gay’ law, Indiana is offering free conversion therapy to anyone refused service by a store-owner. Governor of Indiana, Mike Pence, has come under intense pressure from activists to step down from his post in the wake of the controversial ruling, but he hopes that this gesture will prove he and his district are not maliciously trying to discriminate.

“Conversion therapy becomes very expensive, with many sessions required in order for it to work,” Pence said about the therapeutic process which supposedly can make a gay person straight. “Yet we want to show that we’re committed to all our citizens, even the homos. Especially the homos – they’re really lucky to be offered such a treat.”

Conversion therapy took its place center-stage a few months ago, after transgender teen Lellah Alcorn (17) committed suicide, attributing her decision to the damage done to her by the controversial treatment.

“It’s fortunate that we’ve been reminded it exists,” continued Pence. “Personally, I’d forgotten all about it – that it was an option, y’know. But the whole of America is now talking about it, and I think even the president mentioned it recently, so that’s quite something.”

President Obama indeed spoke about the treatment, calling for it to be banned. The statement released by his office read: “We share your concern about its potentially devastating effects on the lives of transgender as well as gay, lesbian, bisexual and queer youth. As part of our dedication to protecting America’s youth, this administration supports efforts to ban the use of conversion therapy for minors.”

Pence continued to assert that “as far as I know, lots of research has been done into the treatment. We’re proud to say that any homos or lesbos who felt offended by so-called discrimination, now have something good in store.”

Pence admitted that the research he referred to has continually proved conversion therapy ineffective and potentially harmful but reminded us, “no pain, no gain.”