BREAKING: Donald Trump Secretly Hired Illegal Immigrants To Start Building Border Wall

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Top secret documents leaked to the press by a White House staffer showed that President Trump ordered the hiring of over 2,000 illegal immigrants to begin working on his border wall between Texas and Mexico. The documents, released to the press only hours ago, also stated that he was prepared to offer each worker upwards of $40 an hour.

“This is a goddamn outrage,” said construction worker Chris Thomas. “I have been bidding for the border wall job for nearly a year, and it’s the goddamn illegals that get the job? Isn’t the whole point of the wall to keep these sand people out of the fucking country?”

Trump released a statement on Twitter, stating that “all suspicion of illegals being used for labor at the border are false.” He went on to say that “Fake News” had struck again.

“I would never hire undocumented workers,” tweeted Trump. “The Fake News Media has struck again, and you’re all buying it. We don’t have any staffers in the WH that would leak that news, even if it were true.”

Donald Trump Offers Roseanne a Job In The White House After Her Recent Firing From ABC

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump has reportedly offered Roseanne Barr a job in his cabinet at the White House, after ABC fired Roseanne and cancelled her sitcom over racist tweets made by the comedian. President Trump says that he “feels horrible” for the TV star, and says that there is “absolutely a job” for her in the White House.

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“Roseanne is a national treasure, and is loved by many,” said President Trump. “Her tweets were her own thoughts, which were shared by many people across this great nation. I, for one, believe that she deserves another chance, and as such, will be allowing her to be the chairperson of a new position I’m creating in the White House – Director of Race Relations.”

If Roseanne decides to take the job, she will be in charge of working with people of all different races throughout the country in trying to “smooth over” issues between them.

“This will include teaching black people not to shoot and rob each other, teaching Mexicans how to wear deodorant in public, that sort of thing,” said President Trump. “I absolutely believe that Roseanne is the perfect person for this job.”

President Trump Says He Will ‘Completely Pardon’ Bill Cosby After His Sentencing

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For those hoping to see Bill Cosby serve an extended prison sentence where he would likely end up dying, you may have to keep waiting.

This afternoon, when Trump was asked about his thoughts on Bill Cosby’s verdict, the President stated that he would be “completely pardoning” the fallen comedian.

“Regardless of what that jury thinks, or what anyone thinks, Bill Cosby has always been America’s dad – and America’s dad would never sexually assault and drug all those women,” said President Trump. “As soon as he is officially sentenced, I will be offering Mr. Cosby a full pardon, and the apology of the U.S. justice system. The fact that he has been found guilty is sickening.”

Trump, who has been accused by many, many women of also being a sexual predator, states that pardoning Cosby has “nothing to do” with his own conscience, and everything to do with “writing a serious wrong.”

“I love Bill Cosby, I loved The Cosby Show, and I love Jello Pudding,” said President Trump. “If you cannot get behind those things as well, then I don’t know how you can even call yourself an American.”

President Trump Signs a New Bill Forgiving All Student Loan Debt, Wants To ‘Make Education Great Again’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may now be off the hook for their education costs. President Trump signed a new bill this week releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt caused by college loans.

“Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government,” said President Trump. “With this new bill, anyone who has taken loans from the federal government, at any point, will no longer be required to pay back those loans.”

Although the bill was signed on Friday afternoon, the program will not begin until the end of 2018, at which point current and former students will begin to see interest and repayment amounts on their loans delete automatically.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation,” said Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and not just worry about a future of paying back debt.”

With close to $1 billion in net income every year, private lender Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in forgiving anything. These little fuckers took out the loans, they can pay them back – with interest,” said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Sure, yeah, education is important to us. You know what else is important? Learning about paying back your debts – with interest – or ruining your credit for life. Sorry you chose to pursue a degree in art history, little Johnny. Maybe you should have chosen a major that would make you some money.”

President Trump Will Appear on Episode of New Season of ‘Roseanne’

LOS ANGELES, California – 

After a major ratings success last week with the return of Roseanne, whose politics have taken center stage after she made it known that she was an ardent Trump supporter, the President himself has made a surprise announcement that he appears in one of the episodes of the new season, which will run for 8 more weeks on ABC.

“It’s true that I appear as myself in an episode of Roseanne,” said President Trump during a recent press conference. “I was asked to appear, and thought it would be a fun return to TV. I’ve been friends with Rosie for many years, and was honored to make an appearance.”

The President did not comment in which episode he would appear, but a White House entertainment spokesperson said that they are not 100% sure which episode it is.

“The shows for this season were not shot sequentially, so we’re not sure. I guess you’ll have to watch them all,” said the representative. “We think it will be great fun for all Trump supporters, and even his detractors may get a laugh out of it. No one has ever said that Trump can’t laugh at himself a bit. And if they have, well, they’re wrong.”

Roseanne airs Tuesday nights on ABC. Check local listings for times and channel numbers.

BREAKING: Donald Trump Facing Civil Charges In Decades-Old Sexual Harassment Claim

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump will be heading to civil court next month over a claim of sexual harassment and abuse charges that were filed by a former employee.

Margot Lambert, 49, alleges that when she was an intern working for the Trump Corporation, Donald Trump made repeated sexual advances towards her, and even groped her during a private meeting. She was later fired after, she claims, refusing to fellate Trump in his office.

“At the request of my attorney, I am not able to say much about the case, except to say that President Trump, then just ‘Donnie,’ as he likes to be called, tried to get me to place his orange, flacid penis in my mouth,” said Lambert. “When I refused, I was later relieved of my duties as his intern. I believe that the two situations are related.”

Although the statute of limitations has run out for any sort of criminal case, Lambert is still free to go after Trump in civil court. Her law team says they are seeking damages in the amount of $6.5 million for mental anguish and recurring nightmares.

“Ms. Lambert sought counselling for many years after the sexual assault, and had finally learned to put the incident behind her,” said Lambert’s lawyer, Richard Kimball. “When Trump became President, Ms. Lambert began having PTSD of her multiple sexual encounters with Trump. We firmly believe we will have no problem in regards to winning this case.”

President Trump Signs Order Placing Ban on AR-15 Rifles

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Caving to pressure from teachers’ groups and anti-gun advocates, President Trump signed an immediate order banning the sale, trade, or possession of AR-15 rifles. The ban is effective immediately, with owners required to turn their firearms over to local law enforcement.

“At this time, AR-15 owners are asked to turn in their rifles to either a local police station or at a local FBI affiliate office,” said a White House representative. “The weapons will be taken and in exchange, the owner will be provided a $50 voucher to a local restaurant, generously donated by chains such as Applebee’s and Carl’s Jr.’s.”

Despite the extreme backlash that was expected by the Trump administration, most gun owners have been completely understanding and very passive about the ordeal since it was announced early this morning.

“Frankly, I don’t really need to own an AR-15, I just wanted to have it,” said gun owner Chris Hopkins in Maine. “It’s not a big deal. I wouldn’t mind a gift certificate for a dinner, anyway. Come to think of it, I am pretty hungry.”

President Trump Backtracks On ‘Arming Teachers’ Idea; Claims He Forgot There Were Black Teachers

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has gone back on his statements about arming teachers throughout the United States, claiming that he now considers it a “bad idea.”

“When I originally talked about arming the teachers of this country, with plans of having them trained and organized in order to better protect our children, it didn’t occur to me that we also have, well, you know…Blacks teaching our kids,” said Trump. “Obviously, we cannot arm more black people. They are half the reason we have gun violence in the first place.”

Trump also went on to state that no one had told him that there are, in some instances, teachers of a Mexican descent, as well as Muslim school teachers.

“The idea of arming these people, that’s something I cannot deal with,” said Trump. “There definitely is an answer we need to find for the protection of our students, of our schools, but arming minorities isn’t the way.”

EA Sports To Make President Trump Cover Star of PGA Tour 2018

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

At a press conference at the White House today, President Trump announced that he would be the next cover star for EA Sports’ PGA Tour video game series. The series will be branded as Donald Trump’s PGA Tour.

From The Hard Times:

“This is a tremendous honor that I’ve bestowed upon myself,” said Trump to a crowded White House press room. “I’ve got the best clubs, I play on the best courses, I’m like, really great at golf.  Putting the Trump brand on this game is going to boost sales, bigly.”

Casey Patrick, a lead developer on PGA Tour 18, nervously echoed the president’s sentiments while flanked on each side by Secret Service members.  

“After the Secret Service kicked our door in, slammed my head on a desk, and forced me to sign a contract that appeared to be written in crayon by President Trump himself, we were thrilled to put him on the cover,” Patrick told a group of reporters.

Trump is reportedly also in talks to be on the cover of the next MADDEN video game, and says he is “considering” whether or not to appear on the cover of WWE 2019.

President Trump Will Appear in WWE Royal Rumble Tonight

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PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

President Trump, who has been friends with WWE owner Vince McMahon for many years, and who has been a part of wrestling events in the past, will be appearing at tonight’s Royal Rumble in Philadelphia. Normally he’d be relegated to a sideline role, or a walk-in part where he may speak,  but this event will be very different. Trump will actually be wrestling in the Rumble match.

“President Trump was asked to participate, and he said yes,” said White House spokesman Giles Anderson. “He and Vince McMahon are longtime friends, and he missed working with the WWE. It was President Trump’s suggestion that he actually participate in a physical role.”

Trump has secretly been training in the ring for the last 6 months in anticipation of tonight’s event, and is saying that he is confident in his abilities.

“I obviously will not be winning the match, I don’t think anyone expects that,” said President Trump. “But I will be able to hold my own with no problem.”

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