President Trump Tweets That NFL Players Who Kneel in Protest Are ‘Secret Gays’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump made a controversial tweet earlier today, commenting that any player in the NFL who kneels during the National Anthem are secretly gay, and that they’re just on their knees to think about “sucking all the dicks.”

The tweet has been reposted and favorited tens of thousands of times, with many people commenting that they’re in 100% agreement with the President.

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“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of these NFL bitches thinking they can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, act however they want, and get away with it,” said Freddie Jones, 34, from Atlanta, on Facebook. “I’ve  been a Falcons fan my whole life, but I’m paying them to play a game when I buy a ticket, not kneel down like a bunch of fags. Stand up for our anthem, Goddamnit.”

No official comment has been made by the NFL at the time of this writing, and President Trump said that he would respond to “any one of those dick gazers” that responded in dissent.

Donald Trump Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Remove ‘Pussy Neck’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has apparently undergone cosmetic surgery to remove what is affectionately known as his “pussy neck,” because the flappy, old man folds under his chin form into an uncanny resemblance of a woman’s vagina.

“The President is actually extremely self-conscious, as you can well imagine, and he has seen the jokes, the memes, and he doesn’t like them,” said a White House representative. “President Trump has scheduled a surgery to remove the extra skin around his neck, and get an overall face lift.”

President Trump said that he is “very excited” to have the procedure completed, and that it wouldn’t cost the taxpayers “very much at all.”

“I, for one, think that he should keep his floppy twat neck skin,” said Vice President Mike Pence. “Every time I look at him right now, I’m always ‘Thinkin’ Arby’s.’ I don’t really want that to change, but I guess what’s good for him is good for us all.”

Donald Trump Makes MASSIVE Donation of Play-Doh To Texas Flood Victims; ‘They Need Things To Do and To Have Fun’

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DALLAS-FORT WORTH, Texas – 

President Trump visited some of the cities that have been almost completely washed away by Hurricane Harvey, bringing not only a positive message, but a MASSIVE donation of Play-Doh.

“These kids, and these people, everyone, all of them were affected by their homes being washed out from under them, WOOSH!” said President Trump. “They don’t have anything anymore. They don’t have a house or a toilet. These kids, they have no toys. They need toys, and they need to still be children, and not let themselves get too down because their house is gone now. So I have brought with me nearly 400 pallets of Play-Doh, and I want everyone to take a case for free.”

President Trump seemed to be extremely excited by the opportunity to give the Play-Doh, but most residents were not amused.

“It would be great if we had a place to go, maybe some goddamn food,” said one resident. “I mean, I guess I will just eat this fucking Play-Doh, though. Maybe I’ll build myself a new house out of it while I’m at it. Shit, this is the best day of my life.”

Trump Plans To Demolish The Statue of Liberty, Says We No Longer Accept ‘Tired or Poor’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump announced late last night that congress voted 322 to 105 in favor of dismantling the statue of liberty, due to its “misleading statements” engraved on the pedestal.

The statue reads: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” According to Americans Against Illegal Immigration, along with our Republican Congress and Donald Trump, this statement misleads immigrants from other countries. It may have them believing they are welcome into America at any time.

“We do not want to allow the tired, poor and homeless into this country. We have enough of those already,” said President Trump. “If they’re tired, poor, and homeless in their own country, what makes you think they’ll do any better over here?Guarantee you they will go on welfare and rob people to survive. That’s what they do. I cannot Make America Great Again if we’re always feeding the hungry from other countries.”

The dismantling of the Statue of Liberty is set to begin March 1, 2018. It is estimated it will take two months to dismantle, then released for shipment back to France by the end of next year. The Statue of Liberty has been seated on Liberty Island in the middle of New York Harbor since October 28, 1886.

The New York historical Museum has already vowed to occupy the area around the historic site for a “sit in” type protest where they will handcuff one another to form a complete circle around the base of the statue.

“They cannot tear it down if we form an unbreakable human barrier,” said José Ramirez, president of the Immigrant Resource Center of New York. “As Patrick Henry said, ‘Give me liberty, or give me death!’ We are not backing down.”

White House Doctor Report Trump Has Lost Nearly 50% of Vision in Right Eye After Staring at Eclipse

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a move that nearly everyone called “totally retarded,” President Trump stood out on the White House balcony during the solar eclipse, and stared directly into the sun. White House physician, Dr. Mark Campbell, now reports that Donald Trump has lost nearly 50% of his vision in one eye.

“President Trump was warned that staring at the sun could cause serious damage, but he assumed it was fake news,” said Dr. Campbell. “Since the eclipse, Trump’s vision has become worse and worse, with a noticeable deterioration of his retina. There is no reversing it.”

Dr. Campbell went on to say that Trump’s left eye experienced some damage as well, but that the right eye sustained the brunt of the damage.

Trump Welcomes Ku Klux Klan to White House, Burns Cross in Back Yard

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump welcomed a dozen members of the notorious white-power group, the Ku Klux Klan, to the White House on Sunday night.

The group reportedly were invited so that President Trump could “discuss the future” with them. They were also all treated to a tour of the White House, a gourmet dinner, and a cross burning in the back lawn area of the White House.

“You know, this house was built using slave labor, which to me, is the best kind of labor, because it’s free,” said Trump to the laughing klansman.

According to reports, the group partied late into the evening, and Trump had a private escort drive the Klan members to a private airfield at around 4 a.m. Monday morning.

When asked what the “future” might hold for the KKK, Trump simply said that he was trying to offer a friendly hand to open discussions.

President Trump Admits Reason He Banned Transgenders From Serving Is Because He Has Begun Transitioning To a Woman

donna

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump has admitted that the real reason he banned transgenders in the military is because he has begun his transition into a woman, and said he was “scared” he might have to serve in the military.

“I already dodged the draft, made my way through life without ever having to serve in the military, so there was no way I was going to ever have to deal with possibly engaging in real combat,” said President Trump. “It worked out that I was planning on becoming a woman, as I’ve known for some time that I was not comfortable as a man. I mean, I’m not a faggy peter-puffer or anything. I still love grabbing women by the pussy. I just like to tuck it back and throw on a nice dress.”

When he was informed that he is well past the age of being drafted in the likely case that he leads the country into war, Trump was noticeably embarrassed.

“Nobody tells me anything about how this stuff actually works,” said our Commander-in-Chief. “Either way, I cannot wait for everyone to meet the new Donald. I think I’m going to go with the name Donna.”

President Trump ‘Pre-Pardons’ Himself For All Crimes He Plans To Commit While in Office

pardon

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a major move by a sitting president, Donald Trump has “pre-pardoned” himself before he commits any crimes while in office.

“There is a good chance, if I continue on the track I’m going, that there are going to be a lot of different crimes happening, and a few of them will be pretty serious,” said Trump in a statement to the press. “So I’ve taken measures to protect myself and my cabinet from prosecution should the crimes happen.”

A sitting president has, for the most part, the legal ability to pardon nearly any criminal they wish, but it is used very sparingly. This is the first time a president has ever pardoned themselves. The ACLU has a team of lawyers confirming the legality of Trump’s pardon.

“We really don’t think this is legal at all,” said ACLU president Carl Grover. “We are looking into it. It’s such a stupid thing, no one has ever done it before, we’re not even sure how well it can hold up. But knowing Trump, he’s probably changed or removed enough other laws to somehow make this legal. He’s clearly the king of the loophole.”

President Trump Was Caught Making DISTURBING Comments About Senator John McCain’s Illness

mccain

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump was caught in an off-mic moment after a speech yesterday being asked about Senator McCain, and how he was doing.

“I don’t know, I haven’t heard how he was doing,” said Trump. “All I know is that his brain tumor has been taken care of. You know, if I had a tumor, it would have been much larger. It would have been way harder to get rid of. I would have the best tumor you’ve ever seen. You know, some people get tumors and they get sick, but not me. I’d have a tumor that just made me stronger. It would be the biggest, and it would be the best.”

Sessions scheduled for this week in the Senate were postponed while Senator McCain recovered from his surgery. His doctors say that he is doing “extremely well.”

Senator McCain reportedly did not have any response to President Trump’s comments, but his wife was quoted as saying she “isn’t at all surprised” that the President would make such “stupid goddamn comments.”

 

 

Hillary Clinton Undergoes Sex Change Operation So She Has a ‘Better Chance’ At Winning 2020 Election

hillary

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton has reportedly began taking hormone injections in preparation for a sex change operation she will have this fall. The change is being performed because Hillary believes that her chances are “exponentially better” of winning the 2020 election if she is a man.

“The reason I lost the election to Donald Trump is because I am not a man,” said Hillary to a rally of nearly 11 people in South Dakota. “If I had a penis, I would have stood a chance. Being a woman has done nothing for me in my career, and it’s time there is a big change made. A big, thick, veiny change.”

Hillary’s doctor, Dr. Marvin Richards, said that he has tried to talk Clinton out of the operation, but with no results.

“She really wants to go through with this. She’s a grown woman with a lot of money, so I won’t stop her,” said Dr. Richards. “She honestly believes that if she becomes a man – even though she’ll still be her when it comes to policies and government and opinions – will help her to become president. If she thinks so, more power to her. Frankly, I think she should just cut her losses now and retire to the beach, but hey – what do I know? I’m just a voter.”

Hillary has already begun the conversion via hormones and other drugs, and the surgery will take place in the fall. She plans to “fully expose” her/his new look come January.

 

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