WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump reportedly made an “accidental” tweet that many are assuming was meant to be a text message in the early hours Friday morning, and everyone – Democrats and Republicans alike – are going insane about it.
The tweet seemed to be meant to be a private message or a text, although it’s unclear who the President was talking to.
It’s so weird how I’m getting away with everything. Dems have NOTHING on me even with all the shit I say and do. They’ll never impeach. haha
The post has since been removed, and there has been no public comment from Trump or the White House.
“Frankly, I’m not surprised. I mean, we all know he’s a piece of shit scumbag – he’s been proving that for years,” said John Morley (D-Georgia). “Now we’re just getting actual proof from the man himself. Even Republican friends of mine think it might be time to start figuring out how to get him out.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
An anonymous, undercover CIA operative has come forward with leaked information about Trump’s late-night “covfefe” tweet, stating that is has a much darker meaning than anyone thought.
“It has been speculated that it was merely a typing or Swype error, and that Trump meant to type ‘coverage’ in his tweet, but this is nothing so simple,” said the source. “covfefe is the top-secret code that only the President can use to gain access to Area 51. It is only supposed to be spoken by the President to the agent in charge of the site, and was not meant for mass human knowledge. Frankly, this information could be extremely damaging to our enemies.”
The source went on to say that the same code has been used for each president, and that there are “no measures in place” to contact Area 51 and let them know that the codeword needs to be changed.
“Basically, this code will gain anyone and everyone top secret clearance into Area 51,” said the source. “And yes, we have aliens. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what is being held in those bunkers. If anyone know what ‘covfefe’ actually meant, they could conceivably bring down the entire US government. You definitely should not publish this information.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Taking a break from promoting his latest movie, Baywatch, former WWE wrestler and the world’s highest paid movie star, Dwayne Johnson, announced that he has come to a decision about running for President of the United States.
“I’m all in!” said Johnson to a reporter for Entertainment Weekly. “I’ve been giving it tons of thought. At first it was kind of a gag, and I jokingly made like I was interested. But as more and more young people approached me and asked me about it, I began to realize that I could really make a difference. We need a new…we need a better president. Someone who will listen, and make the right kind of waves. I’ve got the money to run.”
When asked where he stood on specific issues, Johnson said that he would “get into that” at a later time.
“I am a Republican, and I do have some conservative values, but I’m about the people, and helping people, and that’s what it should be about,” said Johnson. “I don’t think we need to make America great again, because the country is great, it always has been. I think what we need is to join people together. I think there are people who need to be made great again. That’s what I want to do.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump has ordered the FBI and CIA to track down a group of “anonymous” hackers who are claiming that they have sex tapes featuring President Donald Trump and his daughter, Ivanka.
As seen in leaked images, the tapes – allegedly stolen from a cell phone that belongs to Ivanka’s husband, Jared Kushner – are legitimate, and do depict Trump engaging in sexual acts with his daughter.
“This comes as no surprise to me at all,” said a White House staffer who asked not to be identified. “I was creeped out the first time he mentioned how hot she was, but he’s said it so many times since, that I’ve become kind of jaded by it. Yeah, Mr. President. Your daughter is hot. We get it. As it turns out, he’s been fucking her all along. Not even really a shocker at this point.”
As there is currently no FBI director, that bureau has made little progress in finding out who the hackers were, but so far, the CIA has reported that they haven’t had much luck either.
“Frankly, despite it being a serious concern for Trump, no one in the department really cares that much to find it,” said CIA John Brennan. “No one is surprised by this, and in reality, what damage could it really do to the guy? He’s been caught talking about grabbing women by the pussy because he thinks they like it. Does it really surprise anyone that he thinks his daughter, who he complements all the time about how ‘hot’ she is, has another pussy he can grab? And even if we do find the source of the tapes, hasn’t the damage already been done? I mean, it’s not like any Trump supporter is going to care anyway. They’ll call it fake news and move on with their lives.”
President Trump has not made any public comment on the matter. The video has been streamed on PornHub over 2 million times in less than 24 hours.
SAUDI ARABIA –
President Trump, who is currently overseas visiting Saudi Arabia, announced during a press conference that he will not be running for re-election in 2020.
“To be honest, this job is just too damn hard,” said President Trump. “If I could quit right now, I probably would, but Mikey [Pence], he’s not ready for this. He doesn’t have the heart for this job. He doesn’t have the balls. You have to have big, huge, brass balls to be President. I have big balls. I probably have the biggest balls. But really, despite my large testicles, I cannot say that I want to do more than four years of this. It’s just too much time spent.”
According to Trump, he says he will “definitely finish” his four year term, but at that point, would like to bow out.
“I will finish my term, and will finish on top, but I think four years in, that’s enough time for me. I like to try new things, see new places, do new people,” said President Trump. “I hope that whoever steps up to the plate after me understands just how hard this job is. It’s not easy, not like I thought. Golf is easy. Money is easy. Those are things I like to do, and those are things I want to do. I’ll never retire, but I certainly don’t want to be 80-years-old, running a country.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
A group of professional teachers and scientists recently visited the White House to give a regulated IQ test to our nation’s president, Donald Trump. Most of the group, who were made up of both liberals and conservatives, said they expected that he would favor towards the “low end” of normal, but were startled to find the true results.
“As it turns out, President Trump is actually far, far below the spectrum, and is technically and legally retarded,” said group head, Dr. James Monroe. “I personally expected he would be average, perhaps slightly lower, as it’s obvious by the way he speaks that he’s a bit dim, but these findings were exceedingly lower than we imagined.”
The average IQ of a “regular” person is approximately 90-110, with “genius level” being reached at approximately 140. Donald Trump average a 61.
“Legally, Trump is mentally retarded,” said Dr. Monroe. “I can’t even imagine how we didn’t know this sooner, but it’s true. Although there can be variations on multiple taking of these standardized tests, it would be exceedingly rare for anyone to increase their score by more than 30 or 40 points on a re-take. Trump is retarded – big ol’ retard, indeed.”
The highest presidential IQ was John Adams, whose IQ was estimated to be approximately 170, a “super genius” level.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
An Atlanta man has reportedly sold a golf ball hit by President Trump during one of his many, many, many golf games from his first 100 days as president, for an astounding $86,985 in an eBay auction.
“I was pretty surprised it went for so much. It’s not signed or anything, just a regular Titleist, but it was hit into a sand trap by Donald Trump while I was watching him play a month or so ago,” said the anonymous seller. “He couldn’t find it, so shrugged, told his caddy to mark it as a hole-in-one, and then left it. As soon as he and his entourage moved to the next hole, I went in and snagged it.”
The seller says that he expected to fetch a few bucks, “mostly as a gag,” but was very surprised when two buyers drove up the price in a bidding war. He was even more surprised, he said, when the buyer actually paid.
“He sent me a paypal payment of $86,985 – and then another $4 for shipping costs,” said the seller. “I shipped it right out, then went and paid off my car and put down a huge chunk on my mortgage, too. Not bad considering I voted for Johnson.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Twitter announced today that they would be upping their character limit to 150 from 140, with specific regard to President Trump’s Twitter account, saying that he deserves “a few more words” to be able to bitch properly.
“Trump’s spelling is bad enough, so we don’t want to hinder his abilities any further by making him type in short-hand or in some sort of ‘code,'” said Twitter CEO Mark Brewer. “So we have decided to extend our character limit to 150, which will hopefully give Trump all the room he needs to praise FOX News, complain about CNN, or sexually harass a woman or make a pass at his daughter…really, the field is wide open now.”
Many are calling for a total shutdown of Trump’s account by Twitter, but the company says that his feed is one of the most followed on the site, and “always good for a laugh.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The liberal left has been asking for his head on a stick, and it’s seeming like they might get it – Donald Trump’s impeachment proceedings officially begin on Monday, May 1st.
“This is an amazing day, I cannot wait for his impeachment to happen,” said Mary Lambert, a staunch Democrat. “Trump is a disgrace, and him being impeached and kicked out of office is the best thing that can happen.”
Lambert, who teaches History to middle-school children, was confused when told that “impeachment” doesn’t mean being kicked out of office, but rather, is just another name for an indictment of an official who holds office.
“What? No. When a President is impeached, it means they are kicked out. That’s why Nixon resigned – he was going to be impeached, so he skipped out on it first,” said Lambert.
“That seems to be a common misconception among idiots,” said political advisor Joel Murray. “Impeachment doesn’t mean anything. Impeachment is just being indicted; they show up in court, basically. They still have to be found guilty, but being impeached doesn’t mean they will. Trump won’t – he hasn’t done anything worth being removed from office. I don’t understand why people are so stupid. These are adults. Don’t they remember that Bill Clinton was impeached?”
Despite the confusion about the definition of the term, Trump’s impeachment is still set to begin in just a few days, with many thinking this could be the beginning of the end.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
During an impromptu press conference at the White House, President Trump answered questions about his first 100 days in office, and also briefly joked with reporters about some of his favorite things about living in Washington D.C.
“The White House has an incredible sound system,” said Trump. “My favorite band has always been Nickelback, because I am a Leader of Men, and because their song How You Remind Me is a triumph of modern rock. Now that I live in the White House, I crank them through the building’s awesome surround sound. I can walk from room to room, and just keep listening. It’s amazing.”
For years, the Canadian rock act has been the butt of internet jokes, with most people referring to them as the worst band of all time, despite being one of the biggest selling music acts in history, and regularly selling out arenas around the world.
President Trump is the first person to ever admit publicly that they are a favorite band.