President Trump Outlaws ‘Fake News,’ CNN Staff Arrested

cnn

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump signed executive order HS-666 on Friday, completely outlawing fake news. A memorandum to the order outlined specifically outlets that were deemed to be liars, and people who worked for those media stations were immediately taken into police custody.

Top-level executives at CNN, MSNBC, and The Onion were all taken in by police for releasing “fake news stories” to the public, and charged with currently unknown crimes.

“This new order is a disgrace to all of us who write real news, and are being labeled as fake by a bullish president,” said a representative for CNN. “It’s a sad day when we are coupled in with The Onion. No offense to them. They’re kind of funny sometimes. But the fact that anyone thinks that CNN is writing the same kind of news as The Onion? That’s absurd.”

Trump reportedly plans to continue his raids of fake news organizations, and says he is “very pleased” with the initial work that police forces have done to implement his order.

Donald Trump Wants to ‘Co-President’ With Obama To Help Better Learn Job

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has said that he would like to hire Barack Obama to come back and work in the White House, and be his “co-President,” which he says is different from the Vice President, in that he wants to have someone who has already done the job, and “done it perfectly,” to help him learn the ropes.

“Despite our differences, it is quite obvious that my predecessor was extremely talented in his duties as President,” said Trump. “Obviously, I’m doing great things. I want to keep doing great things. No one wants to do more great things than I do. And I think the best way to do great things, and make America Great, is to hire someone who can be my right-hand man, and help get that done. That man is Barack Obama.”

Trump’s approval rating since taking office has been the lowest in history, and he says that because of this, a drastic change had to occur.

“I’m glad that Donnie has seen how difficult this is, and that he has reached out,” said Obama. “I am extremely grateful that he has shown to be a bigger man than I thought, and has reached out across the aisle, even, to help keep this country great. I’m with him 100%”

 

CNN Loses FCC License After Trump Declares Them ‘Fake News’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump has rung the death toll for the Cable News Network. According to recently filed documents, the once mega-giant news channel will be losing their FCC licenses, forcing them to stop broadcast on April 1. The blow comes after Trump declared the company ‘fake news,’ and blacklisted them from attending White House press conferences.

“CNN is the worst network on television today, and nothing they say about me is true,” said President Trump. “The only network worth watching is Fox News. They are true. They say true things, and they say the best things. CNN is the worst, and everything they say is fake news.”

After Trump declared the channel to be fake news, their ratings plummeted to the lowest in cable television history, with only around 100 to 150 people even tuning into the channel on a daily basis.

“We are saddened that Trump has chosen our network to the be the scapegoat for his War on Truth,” said CNN head Carl Nelson. “Because of his lies about our network, we have lost our licenses, and lost our ability to broadcast. Effective April 1st, we will no longer be on the air.”

Nelson says they are trying to convince the FCC that they should be allowed to continue broadcasting, but the FCC says that they are “not interested” in listening to any fake news, either.

“President Trump has informed us that CNN should not be listened to, so we’re not going to,” said FCC chairman Joel Winters. “We’re a government agency. We do what we’re told. I’m not losing my job over this shit.”

Trump Administration Plans To Legalize ‘Most Drugs’ Including Heroin To Help Stop Addiction

drugs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a new statement from the White House, President Trump has said that he plans to work with states to help tackle harsh drug addiction by doing what he did to quit smoking nearly 30 years ago.

“I used to smoke, and it disgusted even me,” said President Trump. “The only way I was able to quit was to smoke until I puked I smoked about 9 packs in a matter of an hour. I never wanted to smoke again. I strongly believe that the best way to kick a habit is to overdo it. If you want to kick heroin or meth or cocaine, you just have to do an obscene amount of it. Legalizing drugs will help.”

Despite Trump’s health advisors explaining the drastic consequences this could have, Trump is reportedly undeterred.

“I also used to do a lot of cocaine. The only way I kicked that habit was by flying to Colombia and doing lines of pure white off the back of a hooker,” said Trump. “Sometimes, abundance is the only way to really flush something out of your system.”

Although Trump plans to sign an executive order later this week legalizing non-prescription drugs for use by anyone over the age of 18, there is bound to be an extreme backlash from anti-drug groups.

Study Finds Trump Voters Have Drastically Lower IQ Than Liberals

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After Donald Trump was elected President, a group of researchers at the Pentagon set into motion a study unlike any other – they wanted to find out the average IQ of a group that would elect such an unqualified person into office.

Working with over 10,000 confirmed Trump voters and 10,000 confirmed non-Trump voters, researchers gave standardized intelligence quotient tests to each group. There was no time limit to complete the test, and it was given twice over a week-long period.

“The results of the testing, while not at all surprising, prove that Trump voters are drastically behind liberals and non-Trump voters on an intellectual basis,” said Dr. Carl Brewner, who headed the study. “The test was 200 questions, and each completed test gave us an average IQ score based on answers. On average, a Trump voter would score in the 30th percentile, or have an average intelligence level of about 71, far below the 90 to 110 that is considered ‘normal.’ A non-Trump voter would score an average of approximately 96.”

The research team claims that their test is ‘fairly conclusive,’ and they feel that even if they tested every single one of the millions of Trump voters, they’d come up with similar results.

“It was quite obvious to everyone that anyone who would vote for Donald Trump must be pretty stupid,” said Brewner. “Just look at the stupid things they say and do in your timeline on Facebook every single day. Now, though, we don’t even have to rely on just physical evidence of their stupidity via comments and posts and memes – we have the actual scientific data to back up how dumb they really are.”

 

Finger-Chop Challenge Spreads Across Social Media To Protest Trump

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The “Finger-Chop Challenge” has begun to spread across social media, with teens and college students reportedly cutting off their fingers in an effort to raise awareness about the “evils of Donald Trump” as President.

“Trump is a disgusting, sick, orange bigot,” said Maria Lambert, 19, a college sophomore at Dartmouth. “I chopped off all of my  fingers on a livestream on Facebook. I left just the middle finger on one hand, because fuck Trump, that’s why.”

Following in a dangerous trend of challenges like the cinnamon or milk gallon challenges, the new finger-chop challenge opens up an entire new world of issues for parents, as well as the teens stooping to such ignorant levels.

“My son has done the challenge 4 times, and each time, he’s cut off a new finger. He’s down to just the pinky on his left hand,” said Carl Lunger of his son, Mario Lunger, 17. “Frankly, though, I’m proud of him. He’s taking a stand against Trump, and he’s also raised a lot of awareness about Trump. Last I knew, he had over 300 views on his YouTube video.”

Health officials are warning parents, though, of the dangers of their children cutting off their own fingers for internet notoriety.

 

Trump Signs Order To Include Extra $1k In Tax Refunds For ‘Deserving Americans’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump signed his latest order on Wednesday morning, which will allow for an extra $1000 to be sent out with the tax refunds of ‘deserving Americans.’ According to Trump, the money will not be coming from within the tax system, and will instead come out of his own pocket.

Trump says that he plans to spend approximately $15 million to hand out extra cash to police, fireman, doctors and nurses, and veterans, among others.

“There are a lot of people who do a lot of good for others, and these people are the most deserving Americans I know,” said Trump. “And because they do so much good, I think they deserve a little good in return. This year, I will send out over 15000 checks for an extra $1000 each to those people who are deserving of a little extra help, and a little more appreciation.”

Trump says that the 15000 people will be chosen at random, from a database curated by the National Census Bureau, which has information on the employment of over 6 million Americans.

Twitter CEO Says They Are Cancelling Trump’s Account ‘For The Good of the Country’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced this morning that the company would be officially cancelling Donald Trump’s account by the end of the week.  Although a full termination of an account of a celebrity is rare, Dorsey says that he feels it is his ‘patriotic duty’ to get Trump off of Twitter.

“This is not a statement of my political party, nor is it a bash against the current Presidency in any way,” said Dorsey. “Basically, this move is being made to help the entire country. Donald Trump spends far too much time tweeting, and not nearly enough time focusing on issues that actually matter in this country.”

Trump went on a Twitter tirade a few days ago, bashing networks CNN and MSNBC as “fake news,” and finishing off by saying that “Fox and Friends was okay.”

“Those tweets are the kind of thing I’m talking about,” commented Dorsey. “The country is more divided now than it has ever been, and Trump is at the epicenter of it all. But instead of bringing things together, he’s just stoking the fire. That is why we have decided to ban him from Twitter all together.”

Dorsey says that they will be backing up Trump’s tweets since the creation of his account, and then removing the entire profile. Any Donald Trump accounts that open after will also be deleted.

Trump Reportedly Spends $65 Million of Taxpayer Money To Buy Melania a Valentine’s Day Present

trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump may consider himself one of the wealthiest people in the world, even if he can’t prove it by revealing his tax returns, but his very deep pockets didn’t come into play at all when he went shopping for the perfect Valentine’s Day present for his wife Melania.

According to reports, Trump spent a whopping $65 million dollars on Melania’s V-Day gift – a wardrobe made entirely of rare animal furs and skins such as lions, tigers, and bears – and every cent of it came from the paychecks of tax payers.

“It’s an outrage that he would spend that kind of money period, let alone on a Valentine’s Day gift,” said Mario Jones, a steelworker in Iowa who is a registered Democrat. “I mean, I got my wife some roses and a box of candy like a normal person. Where the hell does he get off spending that kind of money…MY money…on his wife when all I can spend is $12 at a supermarket?”

“Frankly, I don’t care much one way or the other what he does with my money. We are building walls, buying clothes, whatever. It’s all perfect if Trump is the one doing it,” said supporter Carl Grove. “I voted Trump for all the decisions he’ll make to help this country, good or bad, he’s doing the right thing.”

 

BREAKING: Trump Signs Executive Order Making Murder Legal…With Just One Catch

donald-trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump signed his latest executive order this morning, making murder legal in all 50 states, but there’s one catch – it’s only legal if the murderer is a white, male and the person they kill is a minority.

“This new order is designed to clean out the riff-raff in this country, and as well all know, our biggest problem are the browns, the reds, the yellows, and the blacks…especially the blacks – they’re the ones causing most of the problems in this country,” said Trump. “My new order is designed to keep the streets safer, one murder at a time.”

Trump went on to say that any white male is able to kill any minority at any time, for any reason, and it would be considered “universal defense,” which is what Trump says self-defense of the country should be referred to as.

“Universal defense is what we do, as Americans. We universally defend ourselves, our families, and our freedoms,” said Trump. “Now, I want to take that a step further, and universally defend ourselves from the nasty, the deplorables, basically, that lie within.”

The ACLU immediately filed an injunction in the NYC Federal Courts with hopes of overturning Trump’s order.

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