President Trump Backtracks On ‘Arming Teachers’ Idea; Claims He Forgot There Were Black Teachers

Posted on February 25, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has gone back on his statements about arming teachers throughout the United States, claiming that he now considers it a “bad idea.”

“When I originally talked about arming the teachers of this country, with plans of having them trained and organized in order to better protect our children, it didn’t occur to me that we also have, well, you know…Blacks teaching our kids,” said Trump. “Obviously, we cannot arm more black people. They are half the reason we have gun violence in the first place.”

Trump also went on to state that no one had told him that there are, in some instances, teachers of a Mexican descent, as well as Muslim school teachers.

“The idea of arming these people, that’s something I cannot deal with,” said Trump. “There definitely is an answer we need to find for the protection of our students, of our schools, but arming minorities isn’t the way.”

EA Sports To Make President Trump Cover Star of PGA Tour 2018

Posted on January 28, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

At a press conference at the White House today, President Trump announced that he would be the next cover star for EA Sports’ PGA Tour video game series. The series will be branded as Donald Trump’s PGA Tour.

From The Hard Times:

“This is a tremendous honor that I’ve bestowed upon myself,” said Trump to a crowded White House press room. “I’ve got the best clubs, I play on the best courses, I’m like, really great at golf. Putting the Trump brand on this game is going to boost sales, bigly.”

Casey Patrick, a lead developer on PGA Tour 18, nervously echoed the president’s sentiments while flanked on each side by Secret Service members.

“After the Secret Service kicked our door in, slammed my head on a desk, and forced me to sign a contract that appeared to be written in crayon by President Trump himself, we were thrilled to put him on the cover,” Patrick told a group of reporters.

Trump is reportedly also in talks to be on the cover of the next MADDEN video game, and says he is “considering” whether or not to appear on the cover of WWE 2019.

President Trump Will Appear in WWE Royal Rumble Tonight

Posted on January 28, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

President Trump, who has been friends with WWE owner Vince McMahon for many years, and who has been a part of wrestling events in the past, will be appearing at tonight’s Royal Rumble in Philadelphia. Normally he’d be relegated to a sideline role, or a walk-in part where he may speak, but this event will be very different. Trump will actually be wrestling in the Rumble match.

“President Trump was asked to participate, and he said yes,” said White House spokesman Giles Anderson. “He and Vince McMahon are longtime friends, and he missed working with the WWE. It was President Trump’s suggestion that he actually participate in a physical role.”

Trump has secretly been training in the ring for the last 6 months in anticipation of tonight’s event, and is saying that he is confident in his abilities.

“I obviously will not be winning the match, I don’t think anyone expects that,” said President Trump. “But I will be able to hold my own with no problem.”

A Crying Donald Trump Was Escorted Off Mar-A-Lago Golf Course After Accidentally Pooping His Pants

Posted on December 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PALM BEACH, Florida –

President Trump has spent most of his winter vacation golfing with friends and family at Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, but on his latest outing, the President was caught with his pants up…when perhaps they should have been down.

According to photographers at the golf game, President Trump was on the 13th hole and right after teeing off, he let out “a massive, wet, drippy fart sound.”

“It was simultaneously hilarious and disgusting,” said Chris Robbins, the photographer who captured the immediate aftermath. “I wasn’t getting any really good shots throughout the day, but then I heard Trump rip one, really hard and really wet. I look over, and he has literally shit himself. It was made even more hilarious because, like most dipshit golfers, he was wearing stupid clothes – white pants!”

Robbins was able to get a great shot of the President being scurried away by a member of his staff and his caddy, with brown streaks running down the back of his pants.

“I honestly think this picture might win me a Pulitzer,” said Robbins. “It’s far and away the best thing I’ve ever taken. So many of the other guys bought me beers in the Mar-A-Lago club lounge after this photo was published, I could barely stand up. Hell, I almost shit myself.”

The President had no comment on the incident, and maintained that “it never happened.”

Trump Begins Waging Battle Against The ‘War on New Year’s Eve’

Posted on December 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Now that President Trump has successfully won the War on Christmas, he is setting his sights on another age-old advisory: The War on New Year’s Eve.

“It’s despicable that there are so many people wishing each other a ‘Happy New Year,’ when they have no idea if I believe that next year is going to be better than this one,” said President Trump. “Liberals like to push their agenda, they want you to have a happy 2018. Well that’s not right, that’s not going to work for everyone. 2017 was a big year. The biggest year. I’m not saying 2018 can’t be a big year, but we can’t just go out assuming it’s going to be great, it’s going to be happy.”

Trump said that he has begun wishing people a “decent New Year” or an “Okay New Year,” and on at least one occasion, a “shitty New year.”

“I have no reason to wish that specific person a Happy New Year, and I don’t particularly want them to have a Happy 2018,” said Trump, not mentioning the person by name. “Frankly, though, this entire happy nonsense has got to stop. I’m officially declaring it dead, and killing this war on New Year’s.

Donald Trump Signs Bill Reversing Gay Marriage, Mainstream Media Completely Silent

Posted on December 23, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an unplanned and quietly announced session at the White House on Friday, President Trump signed a bill reversing the gay marriage laws, and revoking the right for homosexuals to get married. The bill was signed only a short 20 minutes after Trump’s tax plan was made official.

“As a Christian, and as someone who wants America to be great again – as great as possible – I cannot, in good conscience, allow for gays to get married in this country,” said President Trump. “They will have to settle for just being boyfriends or girlfriends. That’s really all they need, anyway.”

The decision to reverse the law, which of course was created under Obama, comes as no surprise to Trump supporters, even the gay ones.

“I voted for him so, I mean, I guess that’s what I’m going to get, you know?” Said Marcus Crumb, a gay man in New York City. “I don’t know why I even marked his name off on the sheet. I could have chosen Jill Stein, you know? But she just has like, no style at all, and Trump wears just the most fabulous suits. I’ll take looking at Trump over getting married any day. No one says I can’t still like pumping a guy in the ass, right? I don’t need a piece of paper just ’cause I’m in love.”

Trump’s Secret Addiction EXPOSED! How The President Has Gone BANKRUPT Over Secret Purchases

Posted on November 30, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has made a big deal about not showing his taxes, trying desperately to hide his actual income and net worth from the public. The reason why, many have speculated, is that he not only has cheated on his taxes, but that the forms would reveal how little he actually has in income. As it turns out, that is partially correct.

Although Trump has made a fortune selling his name and branding buildings, it was also recently discovered that the world’s most powerful leader is completely and totally flat broke.

“The President has a rather extreme, but somewhat relatable addiction to buying and collecting movies,” said a source from inside the White House. “I know that seems kind of bizarre, but Trump is like a big man-child, and his love of movies is vast. He has dedicated an entire wing of the White House to his DVD and Blu-ray collection. He has approximately 89,000 movies. It’s a full time job for a team of 3 people to organize and alphabetize his collection.”

According to the source, Trump spends nearly $30 million a year on his movie collection, and lately that number has increased, as he spends more and more on high-priced, out of print collectible copies, and on newer and more expensive titles, such as those that are being released in 4K high definition. For someone who was reportedly worth billions only a decade ago, the collection has slowly killed his net worth.

“The President has a problem, and it’s coming to a point where someone needs to have an intervention with him, but no one knows how,” said the source. “He’s out of control. On Black Friday, where sales are at their best, he went out and bought almost 100 new movies in one day. Then, just because that kick-started the buying bug, he ordered another 270 movies on Cyber Monday. The guy has a problem, and it’s killing us all.”

Jewish Reporter Asks Trump If He Plans To Put Menorah In the White House; Trump Tells Him ‘F*** The Jews’

Posted on November 28, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After lavish Christmas decorations and beautiful, “snow” covered trees were unveiled in the White House, many reporters and photographers were taken aback, and caught up in a Christmas spirit that many say was missing from the White House over the last several years.

But one reporter, who happens to be Jewish, wasn’t as impressed. Silas Jones, 30, of the New York Beat Entertainment magazine was reporting on the White House Christmas unveiling, and asked President Trump if they planned to add a menorah to the White House decorations in a couple of weeks when Chanukah starts.

“Fuck the Jews, no way am I putting up a menorah,” said Trump. “Everyone knows that the Jews are a dirty, disgusting people. And plus, they killed Jesus, and I can’t even stomach the idea of putting Jewey things next to these beautiful Christmas trees that my wife spent hours working to get up. No, there won’t be any Jew stuff here in the White House.”

Although this is the kind of comment that would normally bring outrage from the Left and from civil liberties groups such as the ACLU, Trump’s comments like this come so often that no one was even that offended.

“Totally expected,” said Jones. “I honestly only asked to get a rise, and he gave exactly what I wanted. He’s such an assclown.”

New Poll Shows People Trust Flint, MI Tap Water More Than They Trust President Trump

Posted on October 31, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

A new survey released today from the prestigious Harvard College of Detroit shows that residents across the state rated Flint tap water higher on the ‘Trustworthiness’ scale than current President Donald Trump. In the study, they found that Trump only was able to score a 14%, while Flint tap water scored a surprising 49%.

“Well, what do you expect?” said Michigan resident Duke Henry. “Thanks to the tap water in Flint, we’re really, really good at smelling shit. We know when something isn’t right. I can’t see through the tap water here, but I can see right through that Cheeto, and all of his lies.”

Resident Shirley Tanner agrees. “At some point you have to stop blaming the water for the fact your kids are dumb and lazy,” she said. “I would trust a fart after a Taco Bell run more than I’d ever trust President Trump.”

Other findings from the study were also critical of Trump’s trustworthiness. “Donald Trump’s lies affect brain development, in both children and adults, but especially those active on the internet,” said Dr. Miles Teller, who conducted the study. “Exposure to Trump’s falsehoods can also cause, among other things, full-blown retardation in those exposed for long periods of time. The neurological and behavioral effects of his lies are believed to be irreversible.”