WASHINGTON, D.C. –
An anonymous staffer from within the White House has confirmed that President Trump has had every toilet in the building replaced since moving in, in an effort to not have to “shit in the same pot” as former president Obama.
“He not only replaced them all, he replaced all the porcelain with gold toilets,” said the staffer. “It’s kind of ridiculous. But it wasn’t about showing off his affluence, it was all because he didn’t want to sit anywhere that Obama sat. He thinks he might ‘catch something,’ because Obama is black, and by his logic, probably has AIDs or other diseases.”
President Trump had no comment on the toilet change-over, except to say that he thought that they looked “much nicer” the new way.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In an act of unprecedented nepotism, President Trump gave his son Barron the most prestigious award available to a child enrolled in public school, The President’s Academic Medal.
The award, which is given out once yearly to a student nominated by a teacher and a principal in a public grade or middle school, also comes with a tax-funded $75,000 scholarship to college.
“It is with great pleasure that I award the President’s Academic Medal to my son, Barron Trump, who is without a doubt the most deserving student to have ever received this award. I am pleased that he was nominated by his teacher, also known as his mother Melania, and his principal – myself, Donald Trump. It shows that he is extremely smart, almost as smart as his dad. He’s definitely the smartest of my children, at least my children under 20 years old. He’s also a very handsome, beautiful young man, just like his dad was at that age. I’m so glad to have the privilege of giving him this award.”
Barron accepted the award by looking bored and tired, and playing with his fidget spinner. He was not asked to speak publicly.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump wasn’t exactly a young man when he took the office of the President in January, but now, White House doctors are saying that the extreme stress of the job is putting an extreme strain on Trump, and he might not have much time left at this rate.
“His heart is working overtime, and his stress levels are through the roof,” said Dr. Mario George, Trump’s personal physician. “His blood pressure is over twice the levels it was before he took office. At this rate, and with his age and lavish lifestyle, he is a perfect candidate for a stroke within the next year.”
For his credit, President Trump called reports of his failing health “fake news,” and said he’s feeling better than ever.
“Yes, I said that this job was a lot harder than my old one, and that I miss my old life,” said Trump. “Yes, I look more tired and I’ve already put on some weight. Yes, my body is falling apart and I can no longer keep an erection without pills, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to go. I will be your president for at least another 7 years, I promise you that!”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump reportedly made an “accidental” tweet that many are assuming was meant to be a text message in the early hours Friday morning, and everyone – Democrats and Republicans alike – are going insane about it.
The tweet seemed to be meant to be a private message or a text, although it’s unclear who the President was talking to.
It’s so weird how I’m getting away with everything. Dems have NOTHING on me even with all the shit I say and do. They’ll never impeach. haha
The post has since been removed, and there has been no public comment from Trump or the White House.
“Frankly, I’m not surprised. I mean, we all know he’s a piece of shit scumbag – he’s been proving that for years,” said John Morley (D-Georgia). “Now we’re just getting actual proof from the man himself. Even Republican friends of mine think it might be time to start figuring out how to get him out.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
An anonymous, undercover CIA operative has come forward with leaked information about Trump’s late-night “covfefe” tweet, stating that is has a much darker meaning than anyone thought.
“It has been speculated that it was merely a typing or Swype error, and that Trump meant to type ‘coverage’ in his tweet, but this is nothing so simple,” said the source. “covfefe is the top-secret code that only the President can use to gain access to Area 51. It is only supposed to be spoken by the President to the agent in charge of the site, and was not meant for mass human knowledge. Frankly, this information could be extremely damaging to our enemies.”
The source went on to say that the same code has been used for each president, and that there are “no measures in place” to contact Area 51 and let them know that the codeword needs to be changed.
“Basically, this code will gain anyone and everyone top secret clearance into Area 51,” said the source. “And yes, we have aliens. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what is being held in those bunkers. If anyone know what ‘covfefe’ actually meant, they could conceivably bring down the entire US government. You definitely should not publish this information.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Taking a break from promoting his latest movie, Baywatch, former WWE wrestler and the world’s highest paid movie star, Dwayne Johnson, announced that he has come to a decision about running for President of the United States.
“I’m all in!” said Johnson to a reporter for Entertainment Weekly. “I’ve been giving it tons of thought. At first it was kind of a gag, and I jokingly made like I was interested. But as more and more young people approached me and asked me about it, I began to realize that I could really make a difference. We need a new…we need a better president. Someone who will listen, and make the right kind of waves. I’ve got the money to run.”
When asked where he stood on specific issues, Johnson said that he would “get into that” at a later time.
“I am a Republican, and I do have some conservative values, but I’m about the people, and helping people, and that’s what it should be about,” said Johnson. “I don’t think we need to make America great again, because the country is great, it always has been. I think what we need is to join people together. I think there are people who need to be made great again. That’s what I want to do.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump has ordered the FBI and CIA to track down a group of “anonymous” hackers who are claiming that they have sex tapes featuring President Donald Trump and his daughter, Ivanka.
As seen in leaked images, the tapes – allegedly stolen from a cell phone that belongs to Ivanka’s husband, Jared Kushner – are legitimate, and do depict Trump engaging in sexual acts with his daughter.
“This comes as no surprise to me at all,” said a White House staffer who asked not to be identified. “I was creeped out the first time he mentioned how hot she was, but he’s said it so many times since, that I’ve become kind of jaded by it. Yeah, Mr. President. Your daughter is hot. We get it. As it turns out, he’s been fucking her all along. Not even really a shocker at this point.”
As there is currently no FBI director, that bureau has made little progress in finding out who the hackers were, but so far, the CIA has reported that they haven’t had much luck either.
“Frankly, despite it being a serious concern for Trump, no one in the department really cares that much to find it,” said CIA John Brennan. “No one is surprised by this, and in reality, what damage could it really do to the guy? He’s been caught talking about grabbing women by the pussy because he thinks they like it. Does it really surprise anyone that he thinks his daughter, who he complements all the time about how ‘hot’ she is, has another pussy he can grab? And even if we do find the source of the tapes, hasn’t the damage already been done? I mean, it’s not like any Trump supporter is going to care anyway. They’ll call it fake news and move on with their lives.”
President Trump has not made any public comment on the matter. The video has been streamed on PornHub over 2 million times in less than 24 hours.
SAUDI ARABIA –
President Trump, who is currently overseas visiting Saudi Arabia, announced during a press conference that he will not be running for re-election in 2020.
“To be honest, this job is just too damn hard,” said President Trump. “If I could quit right now, I probably would, but Mikey [Pence], he’s not ready for this. He doesn’t have the heart for this job. He doesn’t have the balls. You have to have big, huge, brass balls to be President. I have big balls. I probably have the biggest balls. But really, despite my large testicles, I cannot say that I want to do more than four years of this. It’s just too much time spent.”
According to Trump, he says he will “definitely finish” his four year term, but at that point, would like to bow out.
“I will finish my term, and will finish on top, but I think four years in, that’s enough time for me. I like to try new things, see new places, do new people,” said President Trump. “I hope that whoever steps up to the plate after me understands just how hard this job is. It’s not easy, not like I thought. Golf is easy. Money is easy. Those are things I like to do, and those are things I want to do. I’ll never retire, but I certainly don’t want to be 80-years-old, running a country.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
A group of professional teachers and scientists recently visited the White House to give a regulated IQ test to our nation’s president, Donald Trump. Most of the group, who were made up of both liberals and conservatives, said they expected that he would favor towards the “low end” of normal, but were startled to find the true results.
“As it turns out, President Trump is actually far, far below the spectrum, and is technically and legally retarded,” said group head, Dr. James Monroe. “I personally expected he would be average, perhaps slightly lower, as it’s obvious by the way he speaks that he’s a bit dim, but these findings were exceedingly lower than we imagined.”
The average IQ of a “regular” person is approximately 90-110, with “genius level” being reached at approximately 140. Donald Trump average a 61.
“Legally, Trump is mentally retarded,” said Dr. Monroe. “I can’t even imagine how we didn’t know this sooner, but it’s true. Although there can be variations on multiple taking of these standardized tests, it would be exceedingly rare for anyone to increase their score by more than 30 or 40 points on a re-take. Trump is retarded – big ol’ retard, indeed.”
The highest presidential IQ was John Adams, whose IQ was estimated to be approximately 170, a “super genius” level.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
An Atlanta man has reportedly sold a golf ball hit by President Trump during one of his many, many, many golf games from his first 100 days as president, for an astounding $86,985 in an eBay auction.
“I was pretty surprised it went for so much. It’s not signed or anything, just a regular Titleist, but it was hit into a sand trap by Donald Trump while I was watching him play a month or so ago,” said the anonymous seller. “He couldn’t find it, so shrugged, told his caddy to mark it as a hole-in-one, and then left it. As soon as he and his entourage moved to the next hole, I went in and snagged it.”
The seller says that he expected to fetch a few bucks, “mostly as a gag,” but was very surprised when two buyers drove up the price in a bidding war. He was even more surprised, he said, when the buyer actually paid.
“He sent me a paypal payment of $86,985 – and then another $4 for shipping costs,” said the seller. “I shipped it right out, then went and paid off my car and put down a huge chunk on my mortgage, too. Not bad considering I voted for Johnson.”