Couple Admits That Living In ‘Tiny House’ Sucks Huge, Huge Balls

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

The ‘Tiny House’ craze has been sweeping the country for the last few years, with many people eschewing their former lives as “regular house” renters and owners in favor of moving in extremely tiny, “microhouses.” The craze is so popular that there are even several TV shows dedicated to seeking out and buying tiny houses.

Almost everyone who has ever lived in or stayed in a “tiny house” says that it is amazing, but one couple who gave up their former life as teachers in New York to move to a tiny house in Phoenix say that it’s anything but.

“Living in a tiny house sucks major, unbelievable, massive elephant balls,” said Mark Lawson, 30. “My wife Joanne and I watched all the shows about tiny houses, all the people buying and loving them. Yeah, well, what they don’t show is the shit those people have to deal with day in and day out. They should go back into those homes and visit 6 months later. I bet many divorces have been caused by tiny homes.”

“I can’t even get up from the bed without smacking my face on the walls or the ceiling,” said Joanne Lawson, 31. “Then I go into the shower, which is also the toilet, and you have to do your business at the same time as you’re cleaning yourself. Then the kitchen – oh my God. It’s a nightmare. It’s either microwaving or dining out for us. That’s all we can handle.”

The Lawsons say that they paid almost $300,000 for their tiny home in the Phoenix desert, and they’re doing everything they can to sell it.

“This was the stupidest idea we ever had,” said Mark. “For the money we paid for this, we could have bought a 30,000 square foot home in Detroit. Lived like kings. Instead, we’re sleeping on bunkbeds inside of a shipping container. This sucks so much, so big, so hairy, all the balls.”

“The dick, too, really,” added Joanne.

Several Movie Theaters Begin Showing TV Broadcasts To Boost Revenue

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In hopes of competing with the growing trend of watching movies and TV at home via streaming services and DVDs, several small, independent movie theatres are now trying a drastic change in programming to get people through the door.

“Yup, we’re airing TV shows now every day during the day,” said theater owner Marlon Jones of Los Angeles. “It used to be that we packed the auditoriums every night, especially on weekends, and we made tons of money. Now it seems people would rather stay home and watch TV shows or Netflix series. We need to change with the times.”

Jones says he decided to start showing TV series and Netflix originals a few months ago, and his first go-round was with Daredevil, the new series that was just released to Netflix.

“We had tons of people flocking in to watch that on the big screen,” said Jones. “That show is very impressive, and no doubt plenty of people watched it at home on their big screens, but it’s nothing like seeing it on a screen of this size.”

Jones says that he is preparing to exhibit other programs as well, including daytime talk shows and TV soaps.

“I know it will be weird seeing Ellen on the big screen again, since she hasn’t made a movie in 20 years, but it will also be fun,” said Jones. “I’ll get all the old biddies in here to watch Ellen or The View or whatever. They’ll pay for it, no doubt about it. It’s the experience, after all.”

Jones says that he will continue to air these TV shows in his theater until he is told to stop by the networks.

“Oh, I definitely didn’t ask for permission. God no. They’d want money, and they don’t need it. I need it. It’s all for the greater good,” said Jones.

Owen Wilson To Co-Star Alongside Vince Vaughn in ‘True Detective’ Season Two

Posted on September 23, 2014 by carriesnotscary

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

HBO revealed to the press today that funnyman Owen Wilson has signed on to co-star alongside Vince Vaughn in the second season of its popular and critically acclaimed dramatic series, True Detective. The two actors previously worked together in 2005 in the “hilarious” romantic comedy Wedding Crashers, and again in the 2013 film The Internship.

While the second season was rumored to feature Elisabeth Moss as a lead, the premium cable network opted to take advantage of their situation. “We already got Vince, so we figured, ‘why not try a Wedding Crashers reunion?’” An HBO spokesperson said. “It would’ve been foolish not to. I mean, nobody wants to see Vince Vaughn and Elisabeth Moss on-screen together. There wouldn’t be any laughs; she’s so serious. When you throw in Owen Wilson, nobody will want to miss that. Plus, they’ll improvise so much that the writers won’t have to write much dialogue. You wouldn’t make a Nicolas Cage movie without asking John Travolta to be in it, would you? You just can’t deny great chemistry. That’s what wins viewers. That’s what wins awards. Season two of True Detective is gonna be more hilarious than The Big Bang Theory.”

“I’m absolutely thrilled to work with Owen again, he’s my buddy,” Vaughn said. “I really was looking forward to working with a great dramatic actress like Elisabeth Moss, she’s so brilliant on Mad Men. I wanted to delve into dramatic acting, that’s kind of why I agreed to do this show, but now it won’t even feel like work at all. Just hanging out and riffing with Owen. And I get paid to do it!”

When asked how he feels about working with Vaughn again, Owen said, “It always feels good to be around people. Plus, it’s always fun to text Vince while we’re in the same room. Like, when he’s right next to me I’ll text him something hilarious like ‘Hey man, where’s craft service? I need a sandwich and to talk about my feelings.’”

Elisabeth Moss provided no comment, but the HBO spokesperson provided more unsolicited comments. “Why have a chick when we can have two dudes who will do anything to hook up with chicks and pretend to be detectives? ”

MTV Announces New Programming; Channel To Air Music Videos Again

Posted on August 3, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

The television station MTV, which long ago was the voice of Music on television, has gone downhill since their heyday in the mid-to-late 80s. Where once they were known for playing the best music and great music videos, over time the station has steered away from music, and has become more known for their hit reality television shows. The Viacom-owned station has been garnering huge ratings over the past few years with show like The Jersey Shore and The Real World, shows that have nothing at all to do with music.

According to sources inside MTV, though, that is all going to change, and probably very soon. An as-yet-unnamed television company approached Viacom to purchase the trademarked name MTV, in hopes that they could actually use it to bring back the glory days of the network, and begin showing music videos once more.

With another company interested in starting a new network, using MTV’s original concept – and one that made them famous – executives for the network have begun to re-think their current strategy for programming.

According to a source close to the talks, MTV will again be playing music videos and music-related shows, toning down their reality programs to almost nil. Instead, those shows will begin airing on their own network, MTVDocs, which will have shows such as The Real World, Catfish, and more.

“We lost touch with who we are, and this attempted buy-out really opened our eyes” said the CEO of MTV Judy McGrath. “As everyone has already been informed, I am moving on to Amazon come October, but this project will be taken over by my successor, and I can promise everyone that we will be known for music videos once more.”

Ratings are expected to drop dramatically at first, but the company is optimistic that over time they will be back up. In a recent poll, kids and teens aged 11-19 actually had no idea that MTV once played music at all.

“I didn’t know that MTV stood for Music Television,” said Joey Goldsmith, a super-fan of MTV’s show Catfish. “I always just assumed the letters meant nothing. Kind of like how NBC doesn’t stand for anything. I don’t know. Either way, I’m glad they’re not getting rid of all the good shows! I’ll just watch Nev and Max on Catfish when they move over to the MTVDocs channel!”

Not all viewers are excited for the change, with many not interested at all in seeing music videos or music-related programming.

“This is complete bulls—! I want to see the world how it truly is, not how rappers throw their cheddar around and rock stars jump off stages,” said Aaron Silver, a 15-year-old from Mississippi. “If we can’t watch 16 year olds get pregnant and drunk people fight on the beach, how will we learn about American history?”

In related news, VH1 has said that they may consider playing music videos again as well, to which several people replied “Wait, VH1 is still a channel?”