Twitter To Raise Character Limit To 150 So President Trump Has More Words Available To Complain

twitter

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Twitter announced today that they would be upping their character limit to 150 from 140, with specific regard to President Trump’s Twitter account, saying that he deserves “a few more words” to be able to bitch properly.

“Trump’s spelling is bad enough, so we don’t want to hinder his abilities any further by making him type in short-hand or in some sort of ‘code,'” said Twitter CEO Mark Brewer. “So we have decided to extend our character limit to 150, which will hopefully give Trump all the room he needs to praise FOX News, complain about CNN, or sexually harass a woman or make a pass at his daughter…really, the field is wide open now.”

Many are calling for a total shutdown of Trump’s account by Twitter, but the company says that his feed is one of the most followed on the site, and “always good for a laugh.”

Twitter CEO Says They Are Cancelling Trump’s Account ‘For The Good of the Country’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced this morning that the company would be officially cancelling Donald Trump’s account by the end of the week.  Although a full termination of an account of a celebrity is rare, Dorsey says that he feels it is his ‘patriotic duty’ to get Trump off of Twitter.

“This is not a statement of my political party, nor is it a bash against the current Presidency in any way,” said Dorsey. “Basically, this move is being made to help the entire country. Donald Trump spends far too much time tweeting, and not nearly enough time focusing on issues that actually matter in this country.”

Trump went on a Twitter tirade a few days ago, bashing networks CNN and MSNBC as “fake news,” and finishing off by saying that “Fox and Friends was okay.”

“Those tweets are the kind of thing I’m talking about,” commented Dorsey. “The country is more divided now than it has ever been, and Trump is at the epicenter of it all. But instead of bringing things together, he’s just stoking the fire. That is why we have decided to ban him from Twitter all together.”

Dorsey says that they will be backing up Trump’s tweets since the creation of his account, and then removing the entire profile. Any Donald Trump accounts that open after will also be deleted.

Facebook, Twitter To Begin Charging Per Post Starting Next Year

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As Reported By Huzlers:

Mark Zuckerberg, Chairman of Facebook, and Jack Dorsey, Chairman of Twitter, both announced that they would begin charging users for posting and tweeting, respectively, very soon.

Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook will now be charging $0.50 USD for each post and $0.99 for each post that contains a website link. “It’s time we make a change” says Mark Zuckerberg, “we need to increase our revenue, charging per post is fair. We see so many pointless status updates, maybe now users will think before posting…

READ FULL STORY HERE

Donald Trump Admits He Was Only Running For President To Get Hillary Elected

WASHINGTON, D.C – 

The rumors were true after all. Donald Trump has just admitted that he was a Hillary Clinton plant the whole time.

Many have suspected as much, and liberal trolls on the internet have been saying it for months, but now Donald Trump himself has admitted that he is running as a Republican to ensure Hillary Clinton will win in November. Trump revealed via Twitter that he made a deal with Hillary in 2014; this all unfolding mere days after Trump’s lock on securing the Republican nomination

After Donald Trump made this announcement, campaign manager Gerald Rogers released a press release documenting the entire charade.

“Electing Hillary Clinton, the most disliked Democrat politician in decades, would have been impossible unless she were running against a Republican that was even worse. Although, it couldn’t just be any Republican, it would have to be the absolute worst Republican in the country,” said Rogers. “It would have to be a Republican that was so bad even other Republicans would denounce them. It would have to be someone that would split the party and ensure Hillary could win the White House with only 40% of the vote.”

Trump has said now that he has gained the GOP nomination, though, he will continue to run, because “being president” is something that he says he can “really kick ass” at.

‘Anonymous’ Hackers Arrested In Sting Opperation

anoynmous

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A US Department of Justice and FBI sting of a group of apartments in downtown Boston yesterday yielded the arrests of a reported 24 members of the hacking group ‘Anonymous,’ who in this case, turned out to be anything but.

“Anonymous hackers have been bombarding Twitter with account information of supposed terrorists – whether they be ISIS or otherwise related – in hopes of having them [the accounts] removed,” said Federal Agent Richard Gill. “In those takedown requests, several members of the group left key information about their location, and we were able to track their whereabouts and make the arrest.”

Although support for Anonymous has been at an all-time high after the group declared war on terrorists who use the internet to coordinate their attacks and pass along information, the FBI and other government agencies still list Anonymous themselves as a terrorist group.

“Hackers penetrate and ravage delicate public and privately owned computer systems, infecting them with viruses, and stealing information for their own ends,” said Gill. “These people, they’re terrorists.”

With an estimated half a million people on the internet claiming to be part of Anonymous or an avid supporter of the group, the arrest of 24 people – aged 19 to 38 – seems small in the grand scheme of things, although Agent Gill says it’s a “great start.”

“Naturally we know that we will never be able to arrest every member of Anonymous, and even if we could, a new generation of tech-enthusiasts would pop up in their place, but we need to put a stop to hacking, as much as possible,” said Gill. “Maybe it’s a war we can’t win, but hey, we’ve been uselessly fighting the war on drugs for decades, so why not the war on hackers, too?”

Jeb Bush Plans to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

Jeb Bush Touted to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

As yet, Senator Ted Cruz is the only Republican to have confirmed his intention to run in the 2016 Presidential Elections. His announcement was accompanied by a tacky video, which was roundly mocked on all social media platforms. Senator Jeb Bush is now expected to be the 2nd Republican candidate to announce his campaign, and with it his own short clip, cramming as much ridiculous rhetoric and gaffes into it as possible.

“In a long tradition of out of touch Republicans, Jeb will probably be the next to release a hilariously misinformed video,” said analyst Pete Richman. “I think he’s gonna go all out with this. Think references to black people getting Ebola; think inaccurate information about the economy; think discrimination against gays and atheists.”

Sen. Bush has been spotted strolling through an upper class white neighborhood, followed by a cameraman, indicating that his chosen representation of American life is based on the wealthy minority, ignoring not only the working class, but the middle class as well.

“While it portrays a sweet, idealized version of America, it’s going to lose him the vast majority whose lifestyles are nothing like he imagines,” continued Richman. “African Americans, workers being paid minimum wage, people who realize that not only the rich need to be taken care of – it’s as if he doesn’t recognize that those are the votes he needs to win.”

Accompanying the video, a series of Twitter gaffes, in which Bush accidentally insults even his own supporters, is expected.

“He’ll probably say something like, ‘The upper class is just the same as everyone else’, which his following will take to mean that they’re as pathetic as they believe working and middle class people are. They’ll say things like, ‘We worked to get where we are; those who don’t make it don’t deserve it,’ and his campaign will spend millions correcting the mistakes they already spent millions on.”

The public can look forward to the already denigrated video coming in early April.

Trevor Noah Blasted By Families Of Victims Of His Tweet Criticizing Israel

Trevor Noah Blasted By Families Of Victims Of His Tweet Criticizing Israel

LOS ANGELES, California – 

It’s been 3 days since Trevor Noah was announced as the new host of The Daily Show, and already he is in hot water. The relative newcomer to the international comedy scene has come under fire for potentially offensive comments he’s made on Twitter in the past, and now the families of the victims of his tweets are making their voices heard. In particular, a comment he made about Israel, that has been called anti-Semitic.

In June 2010, he wrote, “South Africans know how to recycle like israel [sic] knows how to be peaceful.”

The remark reportedly led to 12 deaths and 33 injuries, directly related to taking offense. A representative of the survivors and the victims’ families gave a brief press conference in which he announced their intention to pursue a class action lawsuit against the South African funnyman.

“The offended parties have expressed their disappointment in Comedy Central’s decision to employ a known offender,” Adv. Richard Goldman stated. “Not only is he a polarizing figure, Noah has shown that he is unrepentant by continuing to say things which may be deemed offensive by my clients.”

Sally Bernstein, who lost an arm due to another of the comedian’s Twitter controversies, says she will fight till the end, tooth and nail.

“Noah cannot get away with this,” she wrote on her blog, itakeoffense.com. “The world has already shown its prejudices against the Jewish state, by not taking him to the International Criminal Court. Now he is being glorified!”

But not all Jewish and Zionist organizations are in agreement with the reactionary storm. Josh Tucker, of Herzl High School in Johannesburg, stood up for the underfire personality.

“He came to our school,” said Tucker. “The Department of Informal Jewish Education (DIJE) invited him. He made Jewish jokes and we all laughed. Seriously, anyone who dies from a vaguely offensive tweet is purposely being killed off by evolution.”

Early Voter Poll Shows There’s ‘No Way In Hell’ Ted Cruz Will Get Elected President

Early Voter Poll Shows There's 'No Way In Hell' Ted Cruz Would Get Elected President

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Ted Cruz this week became the first politician to officially announce his candidacy as the Republican runner in the 2016 Presidential Elections. The unexpected move by the naively bigoted conservative, was greeted with disbelief and mocking on social media, with a Twitter hashtag #TedCruzCampainSlogan trending with thousands of sarcastic suggestions, including:

@snickerfritz04 Yes little children, the world is on fire – in reference to a comment he made to a scared young boy.

@Athiest_Tweeter A vote for me, means World War 3 – in reference to what would surely be disastrous xenophobic foreign policy decisions.

@JRheling RIP Science (1601 – 2017) – in reference to his belief in archaic Creationism which denies contemporary science.

An early poll revealed that voters are pretty much in line with the contempt shown on social media. 98% of 2 300 voters answered the question “Will Ted Cruz be Our Next President” with “No way in hell”. The remaining 2% voted “No, but I’ll give him a sympathy vote”.

Conspiracy theorists have taken the results of the poll to indicate that Cruz’s campaign is not a serious attempt to run for presidency. Rather, they posit that it is a plot by the Democratic Party to make the Republican campaigners seem ridiculous, thereby winning more votes while Cruz distracts voters with his insane rants and rhetoric.

“Clearly Obama’s behind this!!!” wrote dickweed21 on a Reddit thread. “Who the fuck is Ted Cruz anyway? This is exactly like 2012, when they put up Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Rick fucking Santorum as the runners.”

Hundreds of other users agreed, pointing out that for the 2008 elections, Sarah Palin was just the person to put off potential voters for John McCain.

“Seriously, who in their right mind would make Sarah Palin their vice president?” said one user. “Sarah Palin! The definition of blonde bimbo – she probably started the stereotype!”

Anonymous sources from the Democratic Party denied the claims, although stated that “the Republicans do a good enough job of shooting themselves in the foot without our help. There campaign videos are hilarious disasters – that shit can’t be staged.”

New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

CAMDEN, New Jersey – empire-news-camden-teenager-hospitalized-for-facebook-withdrawals-social-media-shakes

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.

 

Katy Perry Plans ‘Intentional’ Wardrobe Malfunction at Super Bowl Halftime Show

PHOENIX, Arizona – Katy Perry Plans 'Intentional' Wardrobe Malfunction at Super Bowl Halftime Show

During a break from her rehearsal for the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show, the Pepsi-pitching pop princess Katy Perry met with members of the media. Perry answered a variety of questions, involving her set list, possible hair color, and guest musicians. But it was her answers surrounding what she would be – or possibly not be – wearing during the performance that tantalized the masses.

“First of all, I’m Hyped For Halftime,” cited Perry, referencing her teasing Super Bowl promotional commercials. “While I won’t say what or who I’ll be wearing, you can plan on one thing. I’m gonna have my own wardrobe malfunction…but will it be a malfunction? It’ll put Janet Jackson to shame, and I can guarantee it will be more than just my belly button. I sure hope you’ll be watching.”

Twitter users ran rampant with speculation if Perry was planning on showing significant skin for the show, or if it was a veiled jab at Taylor Swift, whom Perry has been at odds with over singer John Mayer. More Twitter users ruminated if Perry would be incorporating some type of burlesque act during one of her songs, possibly during a performance of her first big hit, ‘I Kissed a Girl.’

Most comments made by males on social media were nearly unanimous in approval of the possibility of Perry losing part of her clothing, however, there was a faction of Twitter users condemning Perry for allowing herself to be objectified for entertainment sake. Members of various religious groups were quick to call blasphemy, and claimed Perry was “all that was wrong” with the moral fabric of America.

Religious and parents groups are reportedly asking the FCC to intervene and ban the halftime show as too risqué for the youth of America.

“The last thing our sons and daughters need to see is a possible, half-naked, purple-haired singer corrupting our values. We as a faith need to unite and stop her before millions are subjected,” said Abigail Waters, a representative of the Way of Our Most Holy Church in Alabama. “These children are tuning in to see a football game. A morally sound American tradition filled with camaraderie, anger, tackles, hard-hits, concussions, and falls, failures, cheating, and brain injuries. It should not be about sex or women when there is a sport being played.”

“I guess you’ll have to tune in on Sunday, but let’s say you’ll be seeing more of me than you thought,” giggled the Roar singer. She then winked, blew a kiss, and walked away.

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