LOS ANGELES, California –
Tinder, the popular ‘hot or not’ dating app, has made the controversial decision to block users it considers too attractive due to a substantial overflow of users. According to founder Gary Tinder, it was a tough decision, but the right one that will save the business in the long run.
“We just couldn’t keep up with the overwhelming number of users. There’s millions of lonely people joining every second . . . especially between the hours of 12am and 4am. While I want to include everyone who is horny, sad, or just trying to do it with a stranger who is less than two minutes away, there have to be limits,” said Tinder. “Our technology cannot handle every person in heat, and it would be really rude to deny the people who are probably not good looking enough to be charming in person.”
Some extremely attractive people figured out something was wrong with the popular app before they officially revealed their secret. Alexis Wartz of Silver Lake noticed the trend early, when she was refused a download on her iPhone. “My friends were just like, ‘OMG you should do Tinder, I met this guy who asks me if I’m up at 3am every single weekend!’ So I tried, and it said the download didn’t work. I was at a Starbucks and the WiFi was so working and I kept trying and it never worked, but it worked for all my friends. It feels kinda good now that I know I’m too sexy to be on it. It’s a compliment and I’ll never stop bragging about it to my friends, who now have proof that I’m the prettiest one in the group.”
Liam Rash of New York City recalled his rejection from across the country. “I had the app for a while, but then one day it just disappeared. I tried to re-download it, and it wouldn’t work. I’m sitting there depressed, thinking ‘I’m one minute away from the hottest, most desperate chicks in all of Murray Hill, and I don’t even have to get out of bed…and I can have my hand down my pants if I want to.’ It sucks that I’m too hot for this thing, because I’m so socially awkward that I can only approach women through an iPhone without having a mental breakdown about how much I miss my mom, who lives upstate.”
“If the user demand continues to grow, we’ll probably just make a Tinder for ‘ugly’ to ‘average’ people, and a separate one for ‘above average’ to ‘hot’ people. But for now it’s our number one priority to make the app available to everyone we can as quickly as possible. We are just asking that everyone, from ugly duckling to beauty queen, just give us some time to get the kinks worked out.”