Unemployment Benefits To Be Eliminated Due To Poor Economy

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The economy has been on a financial roller coaster for the last few years, and many American people have found themselves out of a job. With this poor economy, a lot of families have had to rely on unemployment benefits, but it appears that they will have to find another way to fend for themselves.

Due to the poor economy, government officials have announced that all unemployment benefits will be terminated until the country has enough stabilized their financial woes.

“The goal here is to have laid off workers attempt a different job field, or lower their standards for work,” said White House Spokesman Richard Miller. “Too many people are sitting home waiting for the perfect job to come around, and collected money for it, and that’s not helping to boost our nation’s economy, or our nation’s workforce.”

Miller says that hopes are that this push will have more American people back in the work field, even if it happens to be a job that they have never had before. They are claiming that this is a ‘tough love’ type of way to go about it, but feel that it will boost the economy in the long run.

“A lot of benefits were given out in the past decade, and it hasn’t seemed to help the economy grow at all. This is causing the country to lose a large amount of money, which is building up our debt,” said Miller. “For crying out loud, get out there and get a goddamn job and stop living off those of us that work our asses off.”

Alternative options are being thrown around to how people can find work or if they don’t agree with the decision. It is being suggested that all citizens that collect unemployment benefits should look for jobs as low as a paper boy or babysitting, and work on how they can budget their lives.

 

Maine Woman Claims ‘It’s the Government’s Fault I’m Lazy’

AUGUSTA, Maine – Maine Woman Says 'It's the Government's Fault I'm Lazy'

Candi, 30, of Augusta, Maine, is a career welfare recipient who knows just who to blame for her station in life – and depending on who you ask, it’s either the least or most likely candidate: the US government.

“Honestly, I think it’s all part of the conspiracy to keep the poor white woman down. If Obama would get the economy together and make some better jobs, maybe I’d take one. But what am I going to do, go work at McDonalds, and deal with bitchy customers all day so I can make less than my assistance benefits? F— that,” said Candi, who said she’d only speak with us if we didn’t use her last name, which is Sutphen.

But according to Candi, since she has been out of the working world so long, even McDonalds doesn’t find her to be a worthy candidate. “No one wants to hire you when the last job you had was almost 6 years ago,” she claims. When asked how she got into the welfare system in the first place, Sutphen says the blame lies with Obama.

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“He screwed the economy all up as soon as he got into office, and I got laid off from my great call center job. I got unemployment, and at first I did look for work, but after so much rejection, I stopped really trying, and just I’d applied for random jobs I knew were hiring, but I wasn’t even qualified for in the first place. Obama put through so many unemployment extensions, I had a free ride for almost two years.” Candi says by the end of her time on unemployment, she had given birth to a daughter, Emma, and switched over to Maine’s Temporary Assistance for Needy Families program. That was 3 years ago.

“I tell you what. If I ever did have to find a job, like really find a job, I’d make sure they scheduled me just enough so I didn’t lost my benefits. My friend Desiree works full-time, and now she doesn’t qualify for food stamps or heating assistance. She’s more broke now than she ever was before,” stated Candi. “People think my life is easy. Essentially I’m getting paid to sit on Facebook all day. Granted, that’s nice, but it gets boring, and boring is hard. I’m actually very depressed now. After a full day of watching Judge Judy and Maury, I don’t even feel like doing the dishes.”

The TANF program in Maine has a five-year cap on benefits. When asked what she would do after that, Candi answered, “If things keep going on like this I’m going to apply for disability. Either my lungs are gonna go from these cheap cigarettes I’m forced to smoke, or my doctor at the free clinic says I’ll get it for my depression.”

When asked what would help turn things around, Candi brightened a little. “If I had a car I think I’d be happier, and if I was happier I’d be much more motivated to look for work. I mean, we can afford to drop all these bombs, and feed people overseas, but we can’t make sure our own citizens have transportation. That’s seriously messed up,” said Candi. “I’m not asking for anything fancy like a Subaru or nothing. Just something like a Jetta or a Neon, you know? Not too old, though. Yeah, that would truly make me the happiest girl in the world.”

Congress Approves Bill That Will Offer Free Automobiles To Welfare Recipients

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Congress Approves Bill That Will Offer Free Automobiles To Welfare Recipients

Yesterday the White House announced its plan to offer free motor vehicles to welfare recipients, after congress passed the bill in a narrow vote. The program, initiated by President Barrack Obama, is very similar to what is now widely known to the public as “The Obama Phone,” where welfare recipients can get free cell phone service through a subsidized program. Some are even already referring to the free vehicle program as “The Obama Car.”

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced the launching of the program in a late press briefing yesterday evening. “The free automobile program gives low-income Americans the opportunity to take ownership of a vehicle at no cost, and will also include a monthly gas card for $100. Any United States Citizen receiving welfare benefits qualifies for the program, which will be starting on January 5, 2015.” said Earnest.

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that this will be the downfall of President Obama. “This absurd plan that the democrats have conjured up is beyond belief. I have no idea how or why congress passed this. But I will tell you this, it is the beginning of the end for the Obama administration, Americans are fed up, and they are being called to the post,” McConnell said. “It is only a matter of time before the impeachment hearings begin, mark my words.”

Earnest said in the briefing that the campaign is intended to help unemployed Americans find secure employment, and ultimately will cause the unemployment rate to drop significantly. “Every American deserves the right to possess the ability to get themselves to a good job. Public transportation is very limited for most of the unemployed, especially in rural areas. This free vehicle assistance program is designed to change the way Americans are currently living. The President will sign the bill later this week, and the planning will be put into motion.” Earnest said.

There is sure to be public outrage along with intense approval from American citizens. John Humphries, a Washington D.C. tourist from Huntsville, Alabama thought that news of the “Obama Car” program was a joke.

“You have got to be kidding me, I thought you were joking,” Humphries told Empire News correspondent DeVante Williamson. “What next? All we are doing is giving criminals and scum of the Earth the wheels to make their drug deals while using their Obama-phones to set the deals up. People who really want to work, find a way to get to work, they always have. The unemployed are just lazy and make zero effort to find steady work. They want the easy way out, and our so-called government gives it to them. This is ridiculous.”

Juanita Jenkins of Albany, New York disagrees. “I think it is an excellent thing our government is doing. There are plenty of unemployed Americans who just cannot get to a job. This is sure to improve the steadily improving economy. I am not on welfare myself, but I have been considering quitting my job and applying for assistance while I look for a  better job. I guess that means I’ll be in line for a car, too,” Jenkins said eagerly.

Earnest also told the press that the types of vehicles used for the program will be various American-made models,  older than five years, but no more than ten years old. Once welfare recipients receive their automobile they will be given a gas card similar to that of the food stamp (SNAP) card, which will be loaded monthly with $100 credit to be used at popular chain gas stations.

 

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