Terrorists Sending People Infected With ‘Black Death’ To U.S. As Form of Chemical Warfare

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The CDC has released a warning for doctors to screen patients with flu-like symptoms for the pneumonic plague, after ISIS has threatened biological warfare.

The disease, caused by a bacterium called Yersinia pestis, most often is transmitted to humans through rodent flea bites or by handling infected animals. Pneumonic plague differs from bubonic plague in its symptoms and the fact that it can be spread through the air rather than just by contact.

Unlike bubonic plague, pneumonic plague can be spread from person to person. According to the CDC, “Pneumonic plague affects the lungs and is transmitted when a person breathes in Y. pestis particles in the air.”

Usually associated with the massive waves of “black death” that swept across Europe during the Middle Ages, the plague still occurs occasionally in the United States, though it is treatable with modern antibiotics.

Although the disease is treatable, terrorists may try to catch people off guard. Pneumonic plague is one of the most pathogenic microbes in the world. Symptoms are sudden and similar to a violent flu, followed by lessions in the groin, armpit, and neck lessons. Eventually the fingers and toes turn black from lack of circulation followed by uncontrollable seizures and death within 36 hours. The CDC advises anyone with these symptoms insist they are tested for pneumonic plague.

Government Puts Price On Freedom, Plans To Sell ‘Freedom Shares’ To Citizens

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Freedom is not free. In fact, it is quite expensive, and some are proposing the sale of “freedom shares” to help pay for it. It costs nearly $700 billion a year to keep America in the freedom to which it is accustomed. That is $5,600 paid in for every household in America to pay for military expenses, and obviously this does not began to cover all the other expenses of running the federal government.

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The freedom shares program would allow the average citizen to donate extra money towards keeping America free, and in return they would be allowed additional freedoms. These special privileges would include getting out of speeding tickets and even free passes to cheat on one’s spouse. If one bought enough freedom shares they may even be able to commit one free homicide.

The program has been criticized as unfair, as the rich would be proportionately more free. Supporter, John Seebode says, “Well, I reckon that may be true, but ain’t that how things are anyway? I support freedom shares, because it’s not a tax so I can chose to donate. And what better cause than keeping America free?”

Massive Earthquake Will Hit Los Angeles Within A Month, Death Toll Will Be Astronomical

earthquake

LOS ANGELES, California – 

A massive earthquake is being forecast to hit the greater Los Angeles, California area sometime within the next month, with estimated destruction in the trillions of dollars, and the death toll to be in the millions.

Dr. Ernest Klein, of the Atlanta Valley Research Society, has been tracking the intensity and frequency of earthquakes throughout the country for the better part of 30 years, and he says that the San Andreas fault, which runs throughout most of California, was supposed to have “gone off” decades ago.

“Based on my research, the faults in the Los Angeles area are massively overdo for a rupture,” said Dr. Klein. “The last major quake on the West Coast would have been approximately 1,000 years ago, and those faults are on a 500-750 year cycle. When I calculate for several other factors, such as the human factor, which would not have been prevalent during the original quake, I estimate that this fault will explode with activity by the end of next month.”

Dr. Klein says that he has spoken with the President, as well as many other members of the White House staff and the National Guard, in preparation for what he says will be a magnitude 11 to 12 quake, the worst in the history of time.

“This is something that will happen, and it is not a matter of years or months. We’re talking weeks, and this will destroy life in California, as well as the rest of the country,” said Dr. Klein. “An earthquake of that size will be able to be felt in New York.”

United States Plans To Enforce 1-Child Limit On Families

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WASHINGTON, D.C – 

China announced this week that they were lifting their decades-old ban on children, which previously only allowed families to have one child. Although not lifted completely, the country did decide to allow people to now have 2 children per household. In the United States, though, the amount of children a person could have has never been regulated – until now.

“We are quickly become an overpopulated nation, much like China,” said President Obama. “People are using and abusing our systems, they are taking handouts and living off the government, all because they had too many children they could not afford. I am all for helping your neighbor, but sometimes, your neighbor must also help themselves.”

According to President Obama, the United States has needed population control for many years, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to pass measures through congress. Right before the 2015 holiday break, the measure was voted on and passed.

“Starting in April of 2016, we will be limiting the number of children a couple may have down to one,” said Obama. “Obviously, if you have more than that currently, that is fine, but you will be required to stop at one child once you have your first. Men will have vasectomies; women, their tubes tied. We cannot take any chances on overpopulating this country, or this world.”

Ebola Virus Making U.S. Resurgence As Virus Spreads Through Tainted Cat Feces

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

The U.S. may be finding itself back in the face of a massive Ebola pandemic. The dreaded disease has found another way into your home, putting cat owners and their families at the most risk.

Makers of bottom shelf cat food, like Special Cat and Furry Friend brands, have long been using the remains of sick Africans to add crude protein and filler to their cat food. While their representatives insist they use the highest quality, disease free remains, at least one person in the U.S. has already been affected from coming into contact with their household cat’s poop.

Jim Reynolds, 29, of Charlotte, North Carolina, is the first confirmed case of cat-contracted Ebola in the United States. “I always bought cheap canned cat food for my cats. Not because I don’t love them, but I figured it didn’t matter. They eat their own shit sometimes, so I figured a can of cat food is a can of cat food. Never thought I’d end up in quarantine. Not even a good TV to watch the game on in here. This sucks a fat one.”

Jim’s neighbor, Jenny Newport, says the increasing fear of cats has caused much tension in her neighborhood. “We’ve got a neighborhood watch for cats now. Everyone’s afraid of cats crapping in their back yards. Personally I like that our town was rat and rodent free from all the feral cats, but for now keep your cats well fed on a high-end food diet, and keep their shit-asses inside for God’s sake! I’m not catching Ebola cause you’re to cheap to spring an extra damn dollar for Friskees.”

Wal-Mart has already begun pulling Special Cat brands, as well as several other ‘dollar brand’ cat foods from their shelves, and millions more cans are expected to be recalled nationwide.

Pregnant women and children are urged to stay away from cat litter and sandboxes, due to an increased risk of exposure to the virus. Cat owners should buy dry food for their cats, and take special precautions when changing litter boxes or handing feces from cats who ate any cheap cat food in the last thirty days.

United States Government Seeks Design For New American Flag

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a country where people are more divided than ever, the US government has decided that the standard “stars and bars” American flag has become something of a misnomer when it comes to describing how the nation stands.

“At one time, the flag stood for patriotism, unity, and the greatest nation on Earth,” said US Senator Mike Jollie. “As of late, with a country divided so fiercely on nearly every possible issue, with a country fighting amongst itself over things as trivial as religion, gay marriage, and even – for some reason – civil rights and unrest, well, it’s time that we have a flag more representative of where we stand today.”

Suggestions made by the Senate include a solid black flag with a gun in the middle, a solid red flag with a black hand and a white hand flipping each other off, a rainbow colored flag with a silhouette of two penises, and just a solid white flag with no imagery.

“The last idea, the solid white flag, seems to be the one most people are leaning towards at this point,” said Jollie. “A solid white flag or cloth has always been a sign of surrender, and at this point, we really should just be giving up. This country has become the laughingstock of the world, so why not?”

Artists and designers from across the country are urged to submit their flag ideas through the website of the white house, www.whitehouse.gov.

Speed Limit On Most Major Highways To Be Raised To 120mph

cars

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

If you happen to be a speed demon behind the wheel, you are going to love the new speed limit being enforced all across the United States. If you happen to like to drive a bit slower when in your car, you may want to consider public transportation.

As of September 1st, all major and highways will be raising the speed limits to 120 miles per hour. The decision was made in hopes to remove traffic clutter and provide a safer drive for families all over the nation. Highway patrol officials feel this is the best decision for travelers, and feel the new speed behind the steering wheel will give drivers more confidence and less driving time.

Fines will be given out to those who choose to stick with the standard 65 or 70 mph, and drivers are urged to begin being cautious of slower, “older” drivers who can’t get the hell out of their own way.

“Once people get used to the new speed limit, I feel that accident rates should drop dramatically,” said veteran highway patrolman Rick Myers. “I see so many accidents on the highways by people going 45, 50mph, and getting in other people’s way. This way, everyone will be going so fast, there won’t be time for accidents.”

The speed limit will only be dropped down to a solid 80 MPH during major snowfalls, or other conditions that may cause the roads to be hazardous.

 

 

 

American Bald Eagles Reconsider Extinction After Touring U.S.

American Bald Eagles Reconsider Extinction After Touring U.S.

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Last month an American Bald Eagle Pride convention was held in Washington, D.C., which then traveled to every U.S. state on a tour of the country. The event, which was supposed to be a celebration and public display of the nation’s longevity, turned sour in just a few days.

The species, which was previously on the verge of extinction, began to quickly lose morale as they saw the state of the country. By the end of the tour, almost every one of the eagles felt disenchanted with their once beloved homeland. While in captivity, their caretakers reportedly kept them isolated from the outside world by controlling television stations, access to the internet, and even filtering their mail.

One of the oldest eagles commented during a press conference:

“There are no trees. People and animals live in horrible, filthy cities. The air is polluted like hell. Who would want to live here?”

Counseling was provided for each individual Bald Eagle in hopes of stopping the onset of depression. Many reported feelings of shame and anxiety at being icons of such a deteriorated country, and all of them agree that the country has fallen far from its former glory.

“Extinction isn’t looking so bad anymore,” the eagle continued. “Maybe we should have died with America’s dignity.” Other eagles on the tour shared his sentiment.

The U.S. Government plans to implement a specialized intensive therapy group for the country’s mascot, though it may be too late. Some have already done the unthinkable – worse than taking their own life: migrated to Canada, which they hail as having “much higher standards.”

United States Seeks To Implement 10-Hour Work Week

United States Government Seeks To Implement 10-Hour Work Week

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

With the presidential nominees slowly starting to become public and we gear up for the 2016 elections, many say that the country is ready to start a new chapter in its history, and that chapter looks to be filled with plenty of vacation time. According to sources, a proposed 10-hour work month is part of the new itinerary of the far-left party that seeks to gain control of the country.

According to documents found by media correspondence, every citizen will be asked to work a mandatory 40-hours a month, and no more. Those who violate the law would be punished for excessive profiteering.

Government spokesman, Peter Jacobs, spoke proudly as he assured the people of the economic plan. “Greece brought the world democracy, literary tragedies, and universities. There are no bad ideas in Greece. Now, the United States seeks to copy their ideas and bring work down to a minimum, and vacationing to the max, as it was meant to be.”

After stocks dropped and sell-offs occurred across the board in New York, President Obama assured the people that things were fine.

“The 40-hour work month simply removes those who do not truly understand economics,” said Obama. “With over 700 hours a month to devote to sleeping, eating, drinking, sleeping more, and playing video games, the United States will lead the world in relaxation. There is no price that can be placed on satisfaction and relaxation.”

Russia Drops Nuclear Bomb On Ukraine, Warns U.S. May Be Next

Russia Drops Nuclear Bomb On Ukraine, Warns U.S. May Be Next

 

DONETSK, Ukraine – 

Government officials in the Ukraine are confirming reports this morning that the Russian military has dropped a nuclear bomb just outside the city of Donetsk. The explosion, which was caught on film by several people located only 15 or 20 short miles from the blast site, has reportedly leveled an entire city.

“Strained relations with Russia, as separatists try to regain control of our government and join our country with the former Soviets, has caused issues for a long time,” said Ukrainian government spokesman Vasyl Borys. “At this time, we have no further comment on the matter except to confirm that a bomb was dropped near Donetsk, and that Russian military agents have claimed responsibility.”

A Russian military doctrine states that the country is only entitled to use nuclear weapons as a last resort, and normally only in retaliation for an attack, or impending attack, against the country.

“Frankly, our doctrine is straight der’mo. In English, just shit. Utter shit,” said Russian military general Vladmir Bulgakov. “I am not waiting for anyone to attack me. I will do what I want, when I want, and attack any country, at any time. Ukraine, China, Serbia, Germany…they are all just places that should be vyrovennyy, leveled. Indeed, United States is next target for Russian military. U.S. military, they are sukas. Bitches. I will make sure we crush them all.”

President Obama, who is on vacation in Jamaica with his family, could not be reached for immediate comment on the Russian threat. General Joe Goldsmith, of the United States Army, said that Russian forces were of “no real concern” to the United States at this time.

“Speaking on behalf of the United States Military, I’d just like to say that Russia, or any country that threatens us for that matter, can go straight to hell,” said General Goldsmith. “We have the strongest military in the world, and we don’t take any shit. They can drop all the nukes they want on the Ukraine. Hell, I didn’t even know the Ukraine was a real place until I heard the news. But trust me – no one is going to drop bombs on the United States.”

 

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