Police Forces Dwindle Across The Country As Violence Against Cops Continues

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

“I signed up to be a police officer the second I turned 18-years-old, and I thought I’d have this career forever, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to get shot over some bullshit,” said former policeman Joel Waives, 27. “I loved what I was doing, and it’s always been a dangerous job, but as a white guy with a badge, I’m not taking any chances that some hood will shoot me.”

Police Unions across the country have said that they are losing officers in record numbers, after several shootings across the country have led over 20 cops dead, all at the hands of violent criminals looking for “revenge” for shootings by police of civilians.

“The job is hard, and it’s definitely stressful. I’ve never had to pull out my gun before in over 30 years on the job, but this week alone I’ve had to pull it 16 times,” said police chief Mark Wallace. “It’s getting to the point where I don’t know if I’m going to make it home at night. It used to be that only big cities had shootings like this, but I’m in Des Moines. Why the hell should I have to worry about being shot by someone because they were driving over the speed limit?”

To counter the record number of people leaving the force, police unions have been looking to hire new recruits, with many offering new, better benefits.

“If you’re a racist who wants to carry a big gun and talk a big game, then by all means, please sign up,” said Wallace. “We need more people who aren’t afraid to pop a cap in a black man just because he’s wearing a hoodie. We can overcome this violence with more violence. There’s no other way.”

Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Raped, Murdered In Prison

fogle

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

According to local police, Jared Fogle, the disgraced former Subway pitchman who was convicted on child pornography and sex charges, was found dead in his prison cell on Thursday afternoon. Prison officials say that it appears that Fogle was raped and sodomized and stabbed with a prison-made shank.

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“Mr. Fogle had, until recently, been in protective custody to assure that this exact thing did not happen,” said prison warden Michael Ross. “After he was released into general population on Wednesday evening, we heard rumors that an attack was imminent. Unfortunately, we did not move him back into PC in time. Mr. Fogle was pronounced dead at 3:14PM on Thursday.”

Many of the prison’s gangs have reportedly taken accountability for the act; all of them say that it was their men who did it.

“Oh man, it was my boys in the Aryan gang, dude,” said gang leader Mark Smith. “We might hate a lot of people, but the worst are the child fuckers. They always gonna get what’s coming to them, man. It was ours for the taking, and we took it.”

Other gangs also claim that they are responsible, including the Latinos, bikers, the Jews, and the African-Americans. So far, police say they have no leads as to who is actually responsible, but that they’re not too worried about finding out, either.

One Motorcycle Gang Member Dies During Rally; Convention Leader Says It’s ‘Better Than Last Year’

rally

DENVER, Colorado – 

Two gang members were shot and one stabbed at a motorcycle convention being held at the National Wester Complex in Denver, Colorado this week. Police spokesman Sonny Jackson says a total of nine people were sent to hospitals with injuries, and there were many other men with minor injuries. One of the men died of his gunshot wounds after being admitted to a local hospital.

A bystander, whose identity was not released, says a fight took place between rival biker gangs. At this time, no arrests have been made.

The Colorado Motorcycle Expo Facebook page said this will not stop the event coming up next Sunday. Promoter Tracy Wesson says if they can keep it to only one dead and a mere nine injured, it will be more successful than last year. “There’s a lot of testosterone flying when you get these motorcycle clubs together. I try to make sure there are enough broads around to relieve some of the tensions, but there are bound to be fights. So far, we are doing a lot better than we did last year.”

Marvel’s New ‘Deadpool’ Movie Given PG-13 Rating

deadpool

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Although trailers and comments from the cast and crew would lead many to believe that the new Marvel film Deadpool, which is set to hit theatres in February, would be getting an R-rating, it seems that the MPAA had other plans.

After watching the film, the group – who are responsible for the film ratings of every movie released – gave the movie a mild PG-13 rating.

“We are really, really shocked that we got a PG-13,” said the film’s star, Ryan Reynolds. “We were going for a hard R-rating. There is blood, guts, nudity, sexual content, and about a thousand uses of the word ‘fuck.’ It’s mind boggling.”

According the the MPAA, they didn’t find that the film fit with their R-rated policy, which as anyone who has ever seen a movie can tell you, is not exactly set-in-stone.

“Normally, you can’t really get by with more than maybe one F-bomb in a film without getting the R-rating,” said MPAA spokesman Gerry Lyons. “In this case, though, we felt the film really didn’t encompass anything that would get it the harder, more ‘adult’ rating. Plus, it’s a comic book movie, so how harsh could it really be, right?”

 

Quentin Tarantino Goes Into Hiding After Threats From Police Unions

LOS ANGELES, California –

Film director Quentin Tarantino has reportedly gone into hiding after vague threats made against him by The Fraternal Order of Police, which is the largest police union in the country.

“The Fraternal Order of Police didn’t like the things that Quentin had to say about officers of the law, despite his statements being founded in nothing but truth,” said a friend of the filmmaker. “The FOP responded by making vague threats against Quentin, saying that ‘anything could happen’ between now and the release of his next film, The Hateful Eight, in December. Quentin doesn’t normally run from a fight, but being on the shit-end of the Fraternal Order’s stick would get anyone nervous. That’s over 325,000 officers nationwide.”

According to the anonymous friend, Quentin has left his Los Angeles home and has gone into hiding, most likely outside of the United States, where his views on police brutality would be more shared.

“The only people who think that what police are doing – killing innocent people, the brutality, the violence – is okay, are the police themselves, and only the police within the United States,” said the friend. “Everywhere else in the world, people can see that the violence is reprehensible, and even their police forces look at the US law enforcement system as a massive joke.”

According to representative for Tarantino, he is scheduled to begin touring the TV talk show circuit later this month in promotion of his new film. No word, currently, on if he will continue supporting the movie from within the United States.

 

PETA To Be Added To FBI Watch List Of Gangs, Hate Groups

peta

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Following in the footsteps of the Bloods, The Cripps, and Juggalos, the animal rights group PETA has officially been added to the gang watch list at the FBI. According to a Bureau spokesperson, the PETA agency has been on their radar for years as a potential hate group, but it was only recently that it was decided they should be added officially.

“If we are going to consider a group like the Juggalos a gang, then we have to have PETA members be a part of this as well,” said FBI spokesperson Denise Johnson. “PETA are more violent, more dangerous, and full of more lies and deceit than nearly any other gang we deal with. Whereas the Bloods may be violent in the open, PETA are a group of seriously deranged individuals who will stop at nothing to fight for their cause, breaking whatever laws and spouting whatever lies they need to in order to gain supporters.”

The FBI claims that over the years, PETA has been responsible for violent and hateful acts, including riots, protests, physical assaults, and at least 2 deaths.

“The group, known to the public, mostly, as a group campaigning for animal rights, have long been know to have resorted to hypocritical, and often evil, methods of operation,” said Johnson. “From here on out, they will be watched very closely.”

The FBI says that PETA members will no longer be able to congregate in groups over 3, and that they must refrain from using their cause as a way of approaching civilians on the street.

Missouri Police To Begin Using Drones Equipped With Guns

gun

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri – 

Several police forces throughout the state of Missouri started using drones last year to assist them in investigations and searches, but a new wave of drone purchases by the state for law enforcement agencies is making some residents uneasy. Lawmakers in the state have authorized the use of drones with guns by police forces in several counties and cities, including Jefferson City, the state capitol.

“With the large amount of deaths of minorities at the hands of police, we felt this was the best way to counteract the issue,” said police chief Marlon Jones. “This way, the alleged criminal will have no way of knowing if the officer controlling the drone is black, white, Asian – it won’t matter. It also helps to keep the privacy of any officer involved in a shooting, as they will no longer be caught on video by some nosey bystander.”

State representatives say that their main concern is for the safety of police, as well as the safety of the general public.

“Drones are extremely useful, in that they can get places, see more things, search for people – do things that law enforcement just cannot do on foot or in a vehicle,” said state senator Joseph Goldsmith. “I applauded the state for allowing drone use in the first place, and this next step – attaching guns – is clearly the logical way to go. Being able to keep officers out of harm’s way, and still allowing them to shoot some black teen, er – I mean, shoot a criminal – is exactly what we need in this state. I wouldn’t be surprised if every state follows suit.”

The drones can already be seen flying through the skies of several cities and towns throughout Missouri. Other states, including Illinois, California, and New York are also considering laws that would allow police to use drones mounted with guns.

Dallas Police Department To Stop Using Guns, Will Use Alternative Methods To Subdue Criminals

DALLAS, Texas – Dallas Police Department To Stop Using Guns, Will Use Alternative Methods To Subdue Criminals

In a bold move, the Dallas Police Department has announced an unprecedented, creative, and groundbreaking strategic plan to curb the reputation of police abuse by taking firearms away from more than ten-thousand police officers.

Nationally respected and highly regarded Dallas Chief of Police, David Brown, made the surprising announcement earlier today at a press conference outside the Jack Evans Police Headquarters in downtown Dallas, home of the Dallas Police administration, as well as the Dallas Museum of Historical Artifacts.

“The entire world knows that here in Texas, the greatest and biggest state in the United States, that we do everything bigger than everybody else in the world. Here in Dallas, the greatest city in the greatest state, we are looked up to for our innovative ways,” said Brown. “Here at the Dallas Police Department, we set the standard for all police departments across the nation. Today I am very proud to stand before you and announce that we have continued this incredible legacy. Effective immediately, we have removed all firearms from all of our officers patrolling the streets of this great city.”

Brown went on to say that all street patrolling police officers were required to turn in their weapons, and will use alternative methods to subdue criminals when times on the beat get desperate.

“Officers will still be well equipped, armed with tasers, pepper spray, batons, blackjacks, brass knuckles, steel-toed boots – the list is quite long. New devices, including laser pointers with which they may temporarily blind violent criminals, will also be added to replace guns. For extreme cases, they will be given access by the Dallas Fire Department to all fire hydrants and hoses in the city, but only for when situations are crucial. They will have more than enough to operate an effective police department while continuing our reputation as the best police department in the world, as well as the most innovative,” Brown said.

NYC Mayor de Blasio Slams Police, Marches At Anti-Cop Rally

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NYC Mayor de Blasio Marches With Anti-Cop Protesters During Rally

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio furthered the rift between himself and the NYPD by marching with anti-cop protesters yesterday, in a rally just outside the city. Mayor de Blasio, flanked by his wife and son, held signs and chanted along with protesters, calling for an end of the senseless murder of unarmed black men. In an interview with reporters, de Blasio challenged the NYPD to change.

”Not all cops are racist, but some are. Not all cops wake up and decide to murder a black man, but obviously some do. I worry for my son, who is African-American. I’ve told him if he is ever confronted by a cop to immediately put his hands up and yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” said de Blasio. “In fact, I give all young black men and women permission to yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” I challenge the NYPD to change its ways, to end racism in its ranks. I challenge them to fight fair when someone resists arrest, one on one, hand to hand, no more shooting an unarmed man, no more six-on-one.” 

“I think the world would be a better without any cops,” said Protester Joan Williams. “Unless, of course, I was in trouble. I mean, they are good at helping people. Come to think of it, maybe people should stop breaking the law and resisting arrest, and maybe they should stop being violent. I guess it’s not really cops who are the problem after all.”

”The NYPD is the most diverse, most professional, and the best-trained agency in the world,” said NYPD Spokesman Sgt. Allen O’Hara. “We are entrusted with keeping the people of New York safe, and enforcing the laws of the city. What the Mayor should be doing is working to get the people to trust us, and understand we’re here to help, not here to harm. But, you know, not every mayor can be as great as Rudy Giuliani.”

 

Independent Theatre Owner Calls Major Chains, Film Studio ‘Pussies,’ Still Wants To Play ‘The Interview’

CONCORD, Massachusetts – theinterviewposter Independent Movie Theatre Will Still Play 'The Interview', Owner Calls Major Theatre Owners 'A Bunch of Scared Pussies'2222Independent Movie Theatre Will Still Play 'The Interview', Owner Calls Major Theatre Owners 'A Bunch of Scared Pussies'2222

With news breaking late Tuesday evening that most major movie theatre chains – including AMC, Cinemark, Cinemagic, and Regal, among others – would be dropping their bookings for the Seth Rogen comedy The Interview over threats of violence from hackers, Sony Pictures officially announced that they would be pulling the film from theatres all together.

One lone theatre owner in Massachusetts says he’s upset that he’s being denied a movie he’s had pre-booked for weeks.

“I should be able to show whatever Goddamned movie I want to show,” said Cletus Lorde, 79. “I’ve been showing the pictures here for the last 53 years, and my dad was showing ’em for another 40 before that. We’ve always showed what the people want to see, and the local kids have said they want to see that film.”

Lorde says he is carrying on a tradition of showing controversial films started by his father, Francis Lorde, when he showed the pro-Ku Klux Klan film The Birth of a Nation back in 1917.

“Dad fought the town like crazy to be able to play that. The entire city council tried to shut the theatre down, but dad stood his ground and, in the end, he played it. The movie sold out every show for 2 straight months. Controversy brings the dollars. That’s another reason I want to make sure I play this movie. There’s a Regal theatre a few miles away; been stealing my business for the last decade. ‘Bout time I take some back, if I do say so myself.”

Sony Pictures, the distribution company for The Interview originally said they had no plans of completely pulling the film from theatres, and would stand behind any company that didn’t wish to play it, but changed their stance on Wednesday afternoon.

“Those big-wigs at the megaplex chains and the studios, they’re all a bunch of scared little pussies,” said Lorde. “Those big-talking internet assclowns ain’t gonna do nothing to nobody. It’s all hogwash. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if the film company themselves is making this big deal out of it just to drum up business for when they release it on DVD. Damn home video is killing my theatre. Well I tell you what, ol’ Cletus ain’t afraid of no internet people, and I ain’t afraid to show a movie with a little controversy, neither. If they change their minds yet again, my theatre will absolutely play it.”

When asked what he thought about the fact that  Sony was essentially giving in to demands of bullies, Lorde said he’s not surprised. “It’s just a giant kick in the balls, both to potential viewers, and to little theatres like me who need that business,” said Lorde. “Looks like the terrorists really have won, because instead of The Interview, a movie people actually wanted to see, I’ll be stuck playing Annie, a movie no one even asked for. I hate Hollywood.”

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