After Several States Legalize Marijuana During Elections, Walmart Announces Plans To Sell Pot Seeds, Seedlings

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Although many people consider Walmart to be the epitome of an “evil corporation,” no one can say that they’re not completely in touch with what people want. The company announced today that in several states, including Colorado, Maine, and Washington D.C., the company would begin selling marijuana seeds and seedling plants to consumers who are over 21.

“Most of these states have the same or similar laws when it comes to owning marijuana plants,” said company spokesperson Rebecca Brent. “As an adult over 21, you can have several plants, and you can grow even more. We already sell alcohol, and our employees are trained to ask for ID for anyone under 40 for controlled substances. Heck, we even card for R-rated movies like some company out of the dark ages. So selling marijuana will not add any sort of hinderance on our employees, and will be a great way to tap into a new market of potential customers.”

Surprisingly, there are very few protests about the company dipping into the weed trade, even from government officials.

“If Walmart is adhering to the laws, gaining proper licensure, then there’s no reason I can see for any fuss to be made,” said Charlie Connors, a representative for the Governor’s office in Maine. “We are allowing small businesses to sell, and we are allowing adults to purchase. I do not see why there is any issue with Walmart, the largest retailer in the world, from selling either.”

Brent says that if the seed and seedling sales go well, it’s possible that Walmart will branch into smaller locations that will only sell marijuana and paraphernalia.

“We were thinking of calling those smaller stores Wal-Greens, but as it turns out, that’s pretty much taken,” said Brent. “We are really excited about moving forward with such a great product launch, though.”

Brent says that they will add new aisles into Walmart locations that will be selling. The marijuana products will be located, naturally, next to the potato chip and soda aisle.

Walmart Says That 50% of Items Bought as Christmas Gifts Were Returned

walmart

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Walmart recently released information stating that for every gift purchase that was made through the holiday season, over 50% of the items were brought back to the store.

“People try really, really hard to make their loved ones happy, but as it turns out, most people don’t know crap from Crisco when it comes to presents, and they’d have been better off buying a gift card. All those presents? Yeah, the come right back,” said Walmart spokesman Mario Deluth.

All the returns cause massive headaches for Walmart, the world’s largest retailer, because most of the products cannot be re-sold.

“We get boxes in that have been crushed, pissed on, items broke – you name it, we see it,” said Deluth. “Fact of the matter is, we take a loss on all those presents you buy unnecessarily, so if you wouldn’t mind, next time, just get a gift card or something.”

Woman Has Cookie Dough Can Explode In Her Vagina While Trying To Shoplift

walmart-cookies

As Reported By Now 8 News:

An incident coming out of Greenville, North Carolina is just one example of what some people will do around the holidays when they are short on cash. A 34-year-old mother of 3 is now under arrest after a shoplifting incident turned tragic. Witnesses say Shatuanee Greene entered the North Carolina Walmart on Sunday with her three children ages 5, 7, and 8 when she grabbed a can of pre-made Christmas cookie dough. CCTV footage shows the young mother take the can to the toy aisle as her children crowded around her. Greene then lifted up her skirt and made the can of cookie dough “disappear.”

When Greene was approached by Walmart security, she told…

READ FULL STORY HERE

Wal-Mart Sued For Adding Wood Pulp To Parmesan Cheese

wood

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

Walmart’s Great Value food brand has been slapped by a lawsuit over a cheese product it sold that allegedly contained wood pulp.

The plaintiff, Marc Moschetta, claims he was induced to purchase Great Value’s “100% Grated Parmesan Cheese” at a premium price because he believed it was, indeed, 100 percent cheese. But it contains 7 to 10 percent cellulose — a filler and anti-clumping agent derived from wood chips — according to a complaint filed last week, which accuses the retail brand of deceptive business practices.

The lawsuit seeks a jury trial and alleges “material misrepresentations” under New York law and laws in 42 other states. The 8-ounce cheese costs $2.98 on Walmart.com.

“We know earning customer trust starts with high standards for the products we carry,” Walmart spokesman Randy Hargrove told CNBC. “We take this matter seriously. We will review the allegations once we have received the complaint and will respond appropriately with the court.”

Moschetta says that he is mostly mad because he was “really looking forward” to enjoying a big plate of his mom’s spaghetti for dinner, and it was ruined by pine-tasting pieces.

Man Finds Dead Baby In Walmart Discount DVD Bin

walmart

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

According to police statements, 27-year-old Mark Jacobs was sorting through a Wal-Mart discount DVD bin when he discovered a rotting corpse of a newborn buried in the middle of the bin. Witnesses rushed over to Jacobs after hearing him scream and call for help.

“I saw a small foot as I dug to the bottom of the DVD pile,” said Jacobs. “Initially, I assumed that someone had placed a Halloween prop within the pile as a gag. It wasn’t until I grabbed the foot and the leg separated from the body that I realized the $5 DVDs were hiding a violent, vicious secret.”

 Local police and paramedics confirmed that the child had been dead for approximately four days, and was estimated to be around three months old. Upon reviewing security footage, police found that the child was placed in the DVD bin by a young woman earlier in the week. The security footage provided by Wal-Mart Loss Prevention Department has yet to be released to the public, however, investigating officers believe the newborn’s mother to be Maria Lambert, a 31-year-old recently divorced employee of the company. They are currently unsure of her whereabouts.
Jacobs told reporters that Walmart offered him a gift card to make up for his troubling experience. However, he said he was going to “hold out for more money,” because then he could get more discount movies.

Walmart Files For Chapter 11 Bankruptcy After Closing 100 Stores, Laying Off 10k Employees

walmart

BETONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Walmart Stores, Inc. has reportedly filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy as of the first of January, after announcing that they would be closing over 100 stores nationwide, with over 10,000 employees being laid off. The bankruptcy comes as the company, the world’s largest employer, has steadily lost sales over the years to online retailers like Amazon.

“We can’t compete with Amazon, we’re not even close to their pricing on nearly anything,” said Walmart spokesman George Glass. “These online stores, they’re killing us. I work for the world’s largest company, and I only made $92,000 last year. How am I supposed to feed my family on that? We have filed for bankruptcy in hopes of restructuring the company and regaining the stranglehold – excuse me, I mean foothold – that we’ve had in the marketplace for the last 4 decades.”

Walmart employees say that they are the ones who are going to be hardest hit by this restructuring, which will more than likely include closing of several hundred more stores, leaving thousands more out of work.

“It’s just like when I worked for Ames. Then I worked for Circuit City. Then RadioShack. All these companies are becoming more and more obsolete every day,” said Walmart store manager Phil Angel. “At this point, I think the only thing really to do would be go and work at Amazon. Give it another 5 years, and there won’t be physical stores anymore for anything. Shit, I even do my grocery shopping on Amazon, and I work in a Walmart store with a grocery department – Amazon has better deals, even with my 6% employee discount!”

Swastika Table Available on Wal-Mart Website Causes Outrage

table

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

A table built in the shape of a swastika has caused outrage after it was added to walmart.com earlier this week. Multiple customers have complained, but Walmart says that they have no intention of removing the product from their catalog.

“Although the product is not sold by Walmart directly, but by a third-party, we still have no plans to remove the ‘Nazi table,’ as it has come to be known,” said Walmart spokesman Joel Goldberg. “I’m a Jew, and I’m not offended, so there really is no reason to remove the table. Some people like it.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass that some Walmart Jew in a suit isn’t offended, I definitely am,” said Holocaust survivor Marianne Lewis. “It’s disgusting that they would even have that on their website, and worse, that they’re selling it at such an outrageous price!”

The table sells on the website for $399.99, and as of this writing was still posted on the website. A petition on change.org was created earlier this week, and has over 200,000 signatures calling for the store to remove the item and no longer do business with the company that is selling it.

Homeless Man Found In Walmart Storage Room With Over 50 Dead Bodies, Many Of Them Skinned

homeless

DECATUR, Alabama – 

A homeless man, who has yet to be identified, was arrested on Friday after a Walmart store employee found him hiding in the store’s old storage room. Police found over 50 bodies in various states of decomposition in the storage room as well, many of them fully skinned.

“We believe that this man, who will not give us his name and who does not appear to be in our systems, moved into the storage room of the local Walmart almost 2 years ago, after the store was remodeled,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith. “So far, we have identified several of the victims, but will not be releasing names until the families are notified.”

The homeless man, who local papers are calling The Skinner, reportedly had been living in the Walmart for years, but went unnoticed as a remodel of the building had boarded up a segment of the old warehouse and storage room.

“There was no way into the storage room from the inside of the store, and the outside was covered by brush and trees that had been planted or grown wild over time,” said the store manager, Jim Carson. “It appears this man was able to move in and out of the building without being seen by using this door, which was not connected to our alarm systems.”

According to police, they are charging the man with first degree murder, in a total count of 56 cases, although they are still determining the total number of bodies discovered. Medical examiners say that most of the victims were between 14 and 25 years old.

Walmart Manager ‘Happy’ Only 3 Employees Killed During Black Friday Sale

walmart

JOHNSONVILLE, Indiana – 

Carl Rogers has been a manager at Walmart for over 10 years, and has been through his fair share of Black Friday sales.

“I’ve been through it all. People being trampled, fights breaking out, shootings, stabbings. I even once had a man bludgeon another man to death with a 27″ TV they were both fighting over,” said Rogers. “This year, by comparison, was a breeze.”

Rogers says that only 3 of his employees were killed during a mad rush as the doors opened at his location, which is the lowest amount killed in several years.

“Last year, it was 5 killed. Two were trampled to death, two were stabbed, and one died of a heart attack,” said Rogers. “We were sincerely hoping for no deaths this year, but frankly, 3 isn’t too bad. At least it wasn’t any customers. I’m pretty happy with the day.”

Walmart’s Black Friday specials roll on through Sunday, with most stores having plenty of items still in stock.

Wal-Mart Says They Are Canceling All Black Friday Sales, Events

walmart

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., the world’s largest retailer, has announced – very last minute – that they will be pulling out of Black Friday sales and events, and will be closed on Thanksgiving, with stores reopening at 8am on Friday morning.

“We will not have the major sales this year, and we are hoping that other stores will follow suit,” said Wal-Mart CEO Tim Brown. “Over the years, we’ve had fights, guns, deaths, trampled customers, and more, and we are sick of it. This year, we are closing on Thanksgiving, paying all of our employees for the day off, and then come Friday, we will open back up at our regular time of 8am. No deals, nothing extra, just our normal rollback, everyday savings.”

Many customers who already had their Black Friday shopping routes mapped out were more than outraged, taking to social media to call the company out for not allowing them to shop.

“This is some serious bullshit, @Walmart,” tweeted user @ShopAHo-Lick. “I needed me some shoes, some DVDs, and I was gonna get me that tablet. Fuck you Walmart. I be at @Target.”

“I really was hoping to get the new Roku box for cheap, but I guess I’ll just pay normal price for it,” said Facebook user Mark Moore. “This is insane. How can I save money at Walmart if they won’t just open on Thanksgiving and let me gorge out on savings and deals? I guess I won’t be going into debt again this year. You greedy bastards.”

Wal-Mart says that a little customer anger is nothing compared to the long-term effects of pulling out of Black Friday sales.

“They’ll still shop with us, what choice do they even have?” said Brown.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.