Match.Com To Being Pairing Couples Based On Their Kinky Sexual Fetishes

Posted on March 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Everyone has seen the new ads for Match.com, with the creepy, awkward man talking to singles on the street about why they should sign up, and pay for, a service that will match them with their future spouse. Now those ads may get a lot kinkier, as the company announced today that a new, big part of their matching service will be based on sexual kinks.

“If you liked getting spanked and need a new daddy to do it, we want to know it, but we’ll find you that daddy,” said Match.com owner Barry Diller. “If you’re a fan of watersports and getting peed on, then we can help you with that, too.”

“There are tons of parts of being in a loving, and compatible, relationship, and we used to always focus more on the mood and romantic side,” said Match.com web designer Miles Roger. “What we’ve decided to do is to change our entire website when it comes to matching, because although people want to be matched with someone that will send them flowers or chocolates, they also want to be matched with the guy whose going to fulfill their rape fantasy or get freaky on a webcam with them.”

Match says that their new website, which will feature a “slew” of new questions for members to fill out, will launch in June.

Did Josh Duggar Have A Sexual Relationship With A Male Porn Star?

Posted on August 28, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over the last several months, 19 Kids and Counting star Josh Duggar has become something of a household name, after it was revealed that when he was a teenager, he molested several girls, including his own sisters, causing TLC to completely cancel their show. Just recently it was also discovered that Duggar had been reportedly having affairs for years, holding not one but two separate accounts on the cheating website AshleyMadison, which had its servers hacked and customer base released to the internet some weeks ago.

Last week, a female porn star named Danica Dillon came forward, claiming that Duggar and she had had sex several times, and that Duggar was a violent sexual partner, “tossing her around like a ragdoll.” The internet star said that she hoped her coming forward would bring other people forward who were also having sex with Duggar, and it appears that the truth may be spilling out.

This morning, a male porn star, John Holmes, 38, came forward, claiming that he and Duggar had sex on multiple occasions, and that Duggar “enjoyed it immensely.”

“Seriously, the guy can’t get enough of me. We hooked up probably 3 or 4 times a week when I was shooting my movies in D.C.,” said Holmes. “To be honest, I don’t care that he was molesting his siblings or screwing every woman on the web. Whatever, that’s what I expect from someone born and raised in Arkansas, anyway. But I just can’t sit back and ignore the fact that he hasn’t called me in months, and that’s why I’m coming forward now.”

Duggar has already confessed that he suffers from a massive internet porn addiction, and has supposedly sought treatment for his sexual needs, referring to himself as a “hypocrite.”

“Of course he’s a hypocrite – he’s religious nut. If you’re that religious, you have to be a little bit off your rocker. Just works out that his rocker is screwing around on his wife,” said Holmes. “But seriously, the whole Duggar family is a little off. I mean, hello – condoms anyone? 19 kids? Get the fudge outta here with that shit. Seriously though, Josh, if you’re reading this…call me, baby! I miss that ass!”

New Dating Website ‘WhitePeopleMeet.Com’ Causing Controversy After Launch Last Week

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A new Silicon Valley start-up is already making waves after a soft launch of their website was completed last week. The new website, whitepeoplemeet.com, is a dating website based around only people who are 100% Caucasian, and automatically filters out anyone who isn’t white based on choices made during account setup, and also using face-matching software when a user uploads their images.

“If our system sees a black face is uploaded by a user, that account will automatically be locked until as such time the user can prove that they are white, or it will be deleted completely if they are, in fact, found to be of another ethnicity,” said site creator and designer, Jeb Michaels. “We want this website to be designed and aimed specifically at the white crowd. It’s not about being racist, it’s just about white people wanting to find other white people to date and sleep with.”

Michaels says that for people who are fussing over his website, they are not understanding the true point of what he is trying to accomplish.

“There are plenty of black-oriented things out there. They’ve got their BET Network. They’ve got BlackPeopleMeet.com – there’s no law that says I can’t do the same things, and focus on the beauty, culture, and heritage of the white person,” said Michaels. “We already have a very strong userbase built up, made up of white folks who want to date other white folks. It’s definitely not odd to be attracted only to someone of the same skin color as you.”

“Personally, I think it’s extremely racist,” said Paul Jemarcus, 28, an African-American from Queens, New York. “It’s not that I want to be on some white-bread dating website or something, but to be fair, I really like those big white-girl asses, and you can’t find a lot of those on blackpeoplemeet.com. Guess it’s just sticking with Tinder for now. I hope this new website get shut down.”

So far, Michaels says that they have signed up more than 25,000 people for their service, and have received only 18,000 hate emails and death threats.

Man Sues Dating Website, Says ‘My Perfect Matches Are Always Black’

Posted on December 3, 2014 by JP

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

A Charlotte man has filed a lawsuit against a popular online dating site, citing his ‘extreme unhappiness’ with the results the website had been giving him. Gil Green, age 33, claims that all of the ‘perfect matches’ recommended to him through the site were African-American.

“I want to find myself a nice white woman and the site couldn’t get that straight,” said Green. “It isn’t fair to me at all that they would assume that I’m into black girls. I put in all my own information, and what I was looking for in a girl, and every time I checked who it matched me with, it was some dark-skinned broad.”

Green is claiming that the website was ‘deliberately sabotaging’ his love life, and that is why he was filing suit.

“I’m just a simple man, and I’m trying to find a wife, or at least a couple good dates, maybe a couple of blowjays, you know? But no mater how many times computer tells me my perfect match is black, I can’t just settle on that,” said Green. “It’s not a racist thing, I’ve met black people before. Some of them are even pretty cool. I just don’t find black women attractive. I’m sure plenty of black women don’t find me attractive. I shouldn’t have to change my standards to find a date on the internet.”

Green’s lawyer, Joe Goldsmith, Esq., who filed the suit in a North Carolina Superior Court, said he thinks that Green has ‘no chance in hell’ of ever winning the case.

“I only took this case for the money, my practice is struggling, and whatever pays the bills, you know?” said Goldsmith. “Mr. Green seems to be really confused about the internet and online dating in general, because the website he is filing suit against is ‘blackpeoplemeet.com’. Obviously his matches are going to be African-American. Frankly, Mr. Green is an idiot, and quite possibly a bigot.”

Representatives of blackpeoplemeet.com have yet to comment on the lawsuit, except to say that they “assume the outcome of the case will be a no-brainer.”

Facebook Announces New Design Changes, Massive Overhaul Coming In October

Posted on July 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook users around the world have requested an updated look and more display options for quite some time. Well today, over a billion people were told the news so many have been waiting patiently for – the changes are coming this October. So get prepared to get creative and express yourself, because you will be have plenty of options to do so with the new bells and whistles awaiting those eager fingertips worldwide.

Chairman and CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, excitedly announced earlier today that big changes are in store for Facebook, the social networking giant currently used by 1.28 billion members worldwide.

“Effective October 1, 2014, Facebook users will experience a brand new appearance along with new formats and displays which will allow users to choose by various themes, colors, layouts, and fonts,” said Zuckerberg. “These are features that are users have been requesting for years. Everyone will have the unique ability to arrange their profile pages in a custom setting, one of which is the original layout that included the “wall” concept, which many members insisted was easier to navigate and maintain. You can organize your friends and post them on your pages. You can We want you to have the unrestricted freedom to choose what works best for you and your individual electronic devices.”

Long time users of the site may remember the controversy surrounding the gradual change-over from Facebook Wall design to the current “Timeline” layout. Thousands of complaints flooded Facebook headquarters surrounding the change-up, some account users insisted they simply liked the old way better.

“Music and photography lovers will have the ability to embed photos or their favorite music videos freely upon their profile page,” said Rob Landry, head of design for Facebook. “For the creative, artistic, and photogenic users, in-screen photo editing will be readily available with a vast-array of eccentric and classic special effects, frames, filters, and the essential tools for adjusting and modifying photographs in a timely and efficient, fool-proof manner.”

“We are very excited to offer these options, these changes have been a long time coming and we just wanted to get it right so that the network performs just as smoothly and efficiently as always,” said an upbeat Zuckerberg. “We will be finalizing the new logo as the final step of this incredible and extreme makeover, which will be done in about two weeks. At Facebook we believe in innovation, the freedom of expression, and the most certain individuality of each of our unique Facebook friends, so it only makes sense for us to change things and allow the options to best fit individual needs. With that being said, we can assure, without a doubt that change is good and we believe 1.28 billion users will ultimately, enthusiastically agree on the first day of October. ”