Trump’s Secret Addiction EXPOSED! How The President Has Gone BANKRUPT Over Secret Purchases

trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has made a big deal about not showing his taxes, trying desperately to hide his actual income and net worth from the public. The reason why, many have speculated, is that he not only has cheated on his taxes, but that the forms would reveal how little he actually has in income. As it turns out, that is partially correct.

Although Trump has made a fortune selling his name and branding buildings, it was also recently discovered that the world’s most powerful leader is completely and totally flat broke.

“The President has a rather extreme, but somewhat relatable addiction to buying and collecting movies,” said a source from inside the White House. “I know that seems kind of bizarre, but Trump is like a big man-child, and his love of movies is vast. He has dedicated an entire wing of the White House to his DVD and Blu-ray collection. He has approximately 89,000 movies. It’s a full time job for a team of 3 people to organize and alphabetize his collection.”

According to the source, Trump spends nearly $30 million a year on his movie collection, and lately that number has increased, as he spends more and more on high-priced, out of print collectible copies, and on newer and more expensive titles, such as those that are being released in 4K high definition. For someone who was reportedly worth billions only a decade ago, the collection has slowly killed his net worth.

“The President has a problem, and it’s coming to a point where someone needs to have an intervention with him, but no one knows how,” said the source. “He’s out of control. On Black Friday, where sales are at their best, he went out and bought almost 100 new movies in one day. Then, just because that kick-started the buying bug, he ordered another 270 movies on Cyber Monday. The guy has a problem, and it’s killing us all.”

Trump Welcomes Ku Klux Klan to White House, Burns Cross in Back Yard

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump welcomed a dozen members of the notorious white-power group, the Ku Klux Klan, to the White House on Sunday night.

The group reportedly were invited so that President Trump could “discuss the future” with them. They were also all treated to a tour of the White House, a gourmet dinner, and a cross burning in the back lawn area of the White House.

“You know, this house was built using slave labor, which to me, is the best kind of labor, because it’s free,” said Trump to the laughing klansman.

According to reports, the group partied late into the evening, and Trump had a private escort drive the Klan members to a private airfield at around 4 a.m. Monday morning.

When asked what the “future” might hold for the KKK, Trump simply said that he was trying to offer a friendly hand to open discussions.

President Trump Has Invited O.J. Simpson To Visit The White House Upon His Release – You Won’t Believe Why!

simpsontrump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has said that he plans to have convicted felon O.J. Simpson to the White House upon his release from prison, which should be sometime in October. Simpson, who has been in prison for nearly 9 years, is reportedly a “good friend” of the President, and Trump has said he has a “special job” for the former NFL superstar and comic actor.

“The Juice and I, we go way, way back, and now that he’s getting out, I want to make sure he knows that he will always have a friend here, so I am going to give him a full pardon, and offer him a job on my staff,” said Trump.

The President said he plans to completely wipe away Simpson’s prison record, which means he would not have any sort of parole specifications he has to meet, and would be as free as anyone else.

“I hope to offer O.J. a job as my personal assistant within the White House,” said Trump. “I strongly believe that it is something he would be great at. I have a lot of special assignments for him.”

 

President Trump To Move White House to Las Vegas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has made plans to officially move the White House from Washington, D.C. to Las Vegas, where he owns property and says that the taxes are “much more manageable.”

“Moving the White House to Las Vegas will save tax payers an estimated $20 million a year, as the land values are much lower in the desert,” said Trump. “I am working with the best planners, the best men out there, to move the White House safely and securely.”

There is no word on whether Las Vegas will become our nation’s capital after the White House is relocated, but Trump did say that he wouldn’t personally have any problem with that.

“There’s a lot of money in Las Vegas, and a lot of beautiful women. We’d be lucky to have Las Vegas be our nation’s capital. It’s a beautiful, fun, fast-paced city, and everyone who goes there loves it. I love it. I own plenty of property there. It’s great. Plus, what happens there stays there, so we could get away with a lot more there than we could here in D.C.”

Hillary Clinton Calls Bernie Sanders A ‘Fag Lover’ During NY Debate

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

During a heated debate in New York, democratic front-runners Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had few things to say to each other that were pleasant, with Sanders being voted as the ‘winner’ of the debate in online polls, and Clinton being called the victor by TV talking heads.

What the talking heads seem to ignore, but what the internet is in a firestorm over, is Clinton’s use of a sarcastic, vile slur that was hurled at Sanders when she thought the mics were not on. According to people sitting in the front row of the debate, during a commercial break, Clinton leaned over to Sanders, and whispered that she would never let a “socialist fag-lover” like him win the election.

“If you think that I’m going to let a socialist fag-lover like you win this election, you’re out of your mind,” said Clinton allegedly, according to those in attendance.

Sanders, true to form as a gentleman and the more secure candidate, has refused to comment or confirm that Clinton said anything negative towards him, or used any sort of slur during the debates.

“Hillary Clinton is a fine woman who would make a great leader of this country if she had more experience,” said Sanders. “I am proud to love all people, of all races, creed, color, or orientation. That’s who I am, and that’s what I’m taking to the White House.”

Donald Trump’s Wife Melania Is Revealed To Be Sex Robot

melania

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Technology has advanced well beyond what most of us would have ever dreamed up. Between the supercomputers in our pockets to Google’s self-driving cars, we live in an age of wonder. Japan has been at the forefront of another technology for many years in the form of sex robots, or uber-realistic robots that can be used for sexual pleasure and, frankly, not much else.

It has recently been discovered that Donald Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, to whom the Donald has been married for the last 10 years, is actually a lab-created robot who was built for the Republican candidate on special order.

“She is beautiful, charming, and she’s an amazing lay,” said The Donald to a group of supporters, recently. “No woman in her right mind would be with me with those atributes. Not even with my wealth and power. I know that – I’m not as dumb as the media makes me out to be. No, instead, I had the best engineers in Japan build Melania for me in a lab. She is 100% to my specifications.”

Trump says that the best part about having a sex robot for a wife is that they “always give it up” when you want it, and it’s not even rape, because they’re not people.

“They also can’t get pregnant, which is fantastic, because no one likes pulling out, that’s for sure,” said Donald. “This model will be good on these batteries until long after I’m dead. It’s truly a marvel of modern technology.”

If Trump wins the presidency, then Melania will be the first sex robot to become the first lady, as well as the first straight sex-machine to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom since Marilyn Monroe had her affair with JFK.

Jeb Bush Says He Will Use Remaining Campaign Contributions To Buy Yacht, Sail Around The World

Jeb Bush Touted to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

DALLAS, Texas – 

Former presidential candidate Jeb Bush has dropped out of the campaign race this year, after finally coming to the realization that he didn’t have a chance in hell of winning even the part nomination, let alone a seat in the White House.

Bush says that he will use the remaining money in his campaign fund, approximately $4 million, and buy a yacht, with plans to sail around the world.

“Normally I wouldn’t waste campaign money on something so frivolous,” said Bush. “I appreciate every person and company who, for some reason, had the bad foresight to donate to my campaign. Instead of using that money to support another candidate or give back, what I’ve decided is that I need a nice, long cruise around the world on a new yacht. I’ve already picked it out, and I’ve named it Queen Barbara, after my momma.”

Bush says that he plans to set sail in August, with hopes of “missing the end of the election completely.”

Obama Breaks Tradition, Removes Menorah From White House During Hanukkah

obama christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For over 200 years, a Menorah has been lit each night of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah in the White House, despite no president ever being Jewish. This year, though, President Obama has ordered that the Menorah be removed, and that none be brought in throughout the building’s many offices.

“This is a joyous time for families, and a time to remember the love and faith we all share by celebrating with gift giving and togetherness,” said Obama from inside the White House. “We have a Christmas tree in the White House, and that is enough. We are an all inclusive country, but let’s not forget, that this is also my home, and I celebrate Christmas.”

Many people have protested the president’s decision, although he says that there is no reason to change now.

“Hanukkah has already started, and we didn’t light any candles, so there’s no reason to get all up in arms over it,” said Obama. “Next year, you’ll have a new president at this time, and he can have the Hanukkah traditions or not, I really don’t care. Since it will probably be Trump, and he’s a full-blown racist, you probably won’t get anything in the White House.”

Obama’s White House Thanksgiving Dinner Reportedly Only Allowed Black Guests, Only White Servers

white house dinner

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to reports from the White House, the president’s annual Thanksgiving dinner was serviced entirely but white waiters and waitresses, and invitations were sent only to African-Americans, calling some to cry reverse racism.

“I don’t see the problem here,” said President Obama. “All the wait staff were paid incredible wages. They all got to take home the leftovers. All the guests paid to be here, with all the money going to charity. No one seemed hurt by the fact that it was all my black homies at the dinner being served by a bunch of crackers, lease of all the whiteys themselves.”

Republicans who are critical of Obama say that having such a sordid event in the White House only seemed to further the President’s bad name.

“If he had included a couple Mexicans or something at the dinner, then it might not have been so obvious and so brash,” said white Republican Jon Smith. “But, making the dinner an exclusively black affair and then forcing white people to slave away like that? It’s disgusting.”

For his part, Obama said that it really wasn’t done on purpose, it’s just that white people were the only one cleared to be allowed to work in the White House.

SHOCKING PHOTO: President Tries To Kill Stephen Hawking After Argument During White House Dinner

obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama reportedly had to be pulled off of famed physicist Stephen Hawking after the two got into an altercation at the White House on Wednesday afternoon, say witnesses. According to other attendees, Obama and Hawking got into an argument about which movie was better, The Wiz or The Wizard of Oz. 

“Everyone knows that President Obama is a massive fan of The Wiz,” said another guest at the dinner, who asked not to be named. “Somehow, when the topic of movies was brought up, Mr. Hawking began talking about his love of the character of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. As soon as he saw an opening, Obama, of course, brought up The Wiz. From there, all hell broke loose.”

Obama reportedly began lobbing insults at Hawking, calling him a “crippled piece of shit,” and a “movie snob” after Hawking begin talking about how terrible of a movie The Wiz is.

“It was pandemonium. The President actually jumped across the table and flung himself at Stephen, who of course could only yell electronically and blink his eyes in protest,” said another dinner guest. “The Secret Service had to pull President Obama off of poor Mr. Hawking. Sadly, I think they took him away and beat him up a little somewhere else, privately.”

No lawsuits have been filed, but attorneys for Stephen Hawking have a “serious case” against the president, as many witnesses saw the assault.

“Plus, everyone knows how bad The Wiz really is,” said attorney Joe Lean. “I can’t believe anyone would actually like that movie. No offense to the President, or anything.”

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