Obama Admits To Being Born In Kenya, Says ‘What Are You Going To Do About It Now?’

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a shocking announcement, President Obama has admitted that he is not a natural-born citizen, and that he was, like the ‘birthers’ assumed, born in Kenya.

“I was, in fact, born outside of this great country,” said President Obama in a press conference from the White House. “But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t the best damn president that the United States has had in decades. I think I have proven that you do not need to be American to love and appreciate America, and you definitely should not be American if you want to run America.”

Obama went on to say that he had given himself a full pardon, and that he could not be held in any legal troubles for serving as president the last 7 years.

“I have pardoned myself from the crimes of forgery and fraud, and I ask everyone, all my detractors – ‘what are you going to do about it now?’ The answer, of course, is nothing,” said Obama. “I may be on my way out of this office, out of the presidency, but I still have the power to make decisions, and those decisions will have lasting effect on everyone.”

Obama’s second a final term ends in 2016.

Trump Says After He’s Elected, He’ll Finally Rid World Of ‘Biggest Problem’

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has announced that when he is elected president next year, he will finally get rid of the problems that have been plaguing the entire world, and his sights are set on something very close to home: his toupée.

“I understand that my hair looks like a Troll doll, or a cat’s ass, or a hamster trying to escape a cage,” said Trump. “When I am elected next year…when I am elected…I will finally be removing my toupée, and I will be going bald.”

Trump says that he has decided to remove the hairpiece as a movement of solidarity – not only with bald men everywhere, but with the entire nation who has mocked and ridiculed him.

“The whole country has made jokes at my expense, and many of them revolved around my hair,” said Trump. “If I am going to fix this country, then I need to fix the joking, and so that means getting rid of this fake hair. There will never again be Hell Toupée after I’m elected.”

Secret Emails Reveal Hillary Only Running To Be Able To Have Affair In Oval Office

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A shocking set of emails were leaked on the internet this morning which seem to indicate a romantic fling between presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, and an anonymous stranger. In the emails, Hillary indicates that she is only running for president so that when she wins, she can “take a pounding” on the resolute desk in the Oval Office, much as her husband, former president Bill Clinton, was said to do while serving in office.

“Ohh…Billy thinks he’s the only one who can get some in the Oval Office? Screw him – I cannot wait to [expletive remove] your huge [expletive removed] with my tight [expletive removed] and my sopping wet [expletive removed],” read the email from Hillary’s private GMail email account. Responses included “mmm” and “Ohh yeah, Hills, tell me all about it, baby.” The anonymous emailer has not been identified. His email address is listed in the leak as 2Big4DatPoon6969@sexmail.com

Clinton’s handlers and campaign team say that the leaks are “completely fabricated” and that if they were real, they probably are “coming from the desk of her husband.”

“Former president Bill Clinton has a fun sense of humor, as well as some…kinks…and often likes to pretend he’s a random guy from the internet, hitting on his own wife,” said Clinton’s spokeswoman Gene Chandler. “We all have our sexual vices, that’s his. It’s really the private business of two consenting adults, and this leak is being researched.”

Bill Clinton, who was reached for comment at his family’s home in Arkansas, said that he doesn’t even know how to use emails, but that after being informed of their content, said that it was “pretty hot.”

Court Jester Set to Perform at Democratic Party Dinner

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The official spokesman of the White House has announced in the public square that the court jester will be performing at the upcoming party being hosted by the Democratic Party. His services are being employed for the first time this decade, after his last disastrous mishap at the First Lady’s banquet. The public is expected to be given pavilions from which to watch the official jester’s performance on a first come first serve basis.

“This is very exciting,” said one peasant. “I’ve heard so much about this dude’s talent, and I just can’t wait to watch him juggle, jest, and make a fool of himself for our entertainment.”

Lord of the court, Barack Obama, says that the renewal of the loyal servant’s services is appropriate, due to the climate of the times.

“We need some lightheartedness to bring to our people,” he told his aides. “With nuclear weaponry, sewerage, and the plague of Ebola having cast a dark cloud over our beloved country for the past few years, it is time to welcome our most important entertainer back from exile.”

The jester was sent into exile in 2006, after he spilled blood on then first lady Bush’s elegant gown. He was in the middle of a caper in which he cut open a large growth he had been cultivating on his forearm, and had grown to massive proportions. Unfortunately, as he stuck in the knife, the pressure from the growth caused a massive expulsion of blood and pus into the crowd, contaminating viceroy Dick Cheney and First Lady Bush. The administration sent him to live in the dark jungles of Africa, where he was recently located and returned to our shores.

In his own statement to the local press, the jester said that he was “grateful to the king and all his servants who worked to restore my honor. I have learned from my mistakes and will exercise the necessary caution this time when I cut off my manhood for the entertainment of my dear leaders. I promise that this time there will be no stray blood, urine or even semen.”

Obama Confesses Dirty Secret: ‘I Had Sex With Michelle’

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The political arena of the US has again been rocked by a sex scandal, this time at the highest level. Speculation has given way to fact, as President Barack Obama today confessed that he has had sex with first lady Michelle – on multiple occasions. Yet, unlike with former President Bill Clinton’s misbehavior, Obama does not appear to be abashed in the slightest, leading to criticism from conservatives around the nation.

“I’ve been sleeping with Michelle for years now,” wrote the president in a long, tedious series of twitter posts. “23 years in fact. Long before I was voted in to run this country. Long before Michelle was voted in as First Lady. Even before I was in office in Illinois. We’ve had intercourse so many times. I lost count long ago. We’re both really good at it. That is why we keep doing it. As an amoral liberal, I believe that there is nothing wrong with the president and the first lady sleeping together.”

Conservative senator and possible 2016 presidential candidate, Rand Paul, has reacted with fury at the president’s remarks.

“This is what happens when you’re too left wing!” he shouted to loud applause while visiting in Des Moines. “Suddenly it’s alright to have all kinds of disgusting affairs. It doesn’t matter that you’re a role model to the nation. Who cares? Why not have the time of your life?” the Kentucky politician scoffed.

Other critics were more concerned about issues closer to home.

“What about the children?” asked former congresswoman Michele Bachmann. “Natasha and Malia Ann will be devastated at the news that their parents have carried out such an illicit affair. It’s appalling.”

Natasha Obama, however, was more forgiving.

“Mom and Dad have been living together for a long time,” she wrote on her blog. “When you’re in such close proximity, stuff happens. It really comes as no surprise to me. Two attractive people sleeping in the same bed inevitably have sex. I watched that movie with Sandra Bullock – The Proposal I think it was called. Those two even ended up getting married.”

President Obama Invites Seth Rogen To White House To Be Fill-In President For A Week

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Barack Obama has invited actor and comedian Seth Rogen to the White House to fill in for him as President of the United States for a week so that he can vacation with his family according to a statement released by White House press secretary Josh Earnest.

“The President and his administration has decided that he is in dire need of a family vacation,” Earnest said this morning. “There was a meeting of White House staff early yesterday in which a short-list was discussed for suitable fill-ins for the job for a week.” the press secretary added. “It was decided early on in the meeting that the Vice President was unable to fulfill the needs due to his commitment to a bowling tournament, ultimately it was determined that actor Seth Rogen was a great choice since he was an actor.”

Rogen accepted the role with honor and told Entertainment Today reporter Jasmine Archibald that he was excited to sit at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and make decisions on the Presidents behalf for a week. “Yeah I mean how hard can it be? All you have to do is sit back that and sign stuff all day and look good doing it, I’m sure I can smoke a couple joints and pull that off, let’s get real.” Rogen said.

Obama did admit that he personally chose the actor for the sole reason of upsetting North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. “I knew it would piss him (Jong-un) off, so I said lets do it, lets put Rogen in the chair,” Obama said.

Obama Resolves To Move White House to Chicago

Posted on January 24, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

To the shock of all Americans and with reverberations around the world, President Obama announced that he will move the White House to Chicago by year’s end. Obama mentioned the move was spurred after he was contemplating his 2015 New Year’s resolution. The Republican brass was in an uproar with many members of Congress questioning the President’s motives, some echoing the word dictator.

“When I came before you in 2008, I said my campaign was about change. As you know, every New Year’s Eve I fill out a list of personal and private goals. My thoughts kept coming back to Chicago,” stated Obama. “While I have the utmost respect and approbation for our forefathers and the city of Washington D.C., it’s time for the White House to be centralized, which would make travel and accessibility easier for all members of Congress. Chicago is the de facto capitol of the United States. Plus, who doesn’t love that deep dish pizza?” said the President.

Senator Ted Cruz said, “This President continues his ruthless power trip. My fears for this administration keep coming to fruition. Now he’s going to uproot our nation’s legacy? When are we as a people going to intercept his attempts to will his power over the American people? What’s next? Is he going to change the Constitution citing presidential supremacy?”

Meet The Press moderator, Chuck Todd, said he had been hearing rumors that this move was imminent. “The President’s deep love for Chicago is no secret,” said Todd. “I’m hearing, though, that a variety of personal reasons are the real motives for the impending move. First, Malia and Sasha [Obama] have grown homesick, and yearn to move back to their original Hyde Park surroundings. Second, the President confides with his former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, ever day and wants to be closer to him. Third, the President wants to see more Chicago Bulls games now that Derrick Rose appears to be healthy again, and the eastern conference is wide open. He’s mentioned many times his desire to bring a future championship Bulls team to the White House.”

Sarah Palin weighed in on the issue asking, “Chicago? Maybe the President missed those American history courses when he was growing up in Kenya.”

President Obama Signs Bill Creating ‘Rodney King Day’ As New Federal Holiday

Posted on December 28, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Yesterday, in the John F. Kennedy Memorial White House Ballroom, President Barack Obama signed a bill, proposed by Representative DeMarcus Johnson of Georgia, creating ‘Rodney King Day’, and making it a federal holiday. The new holiday will be recognized annually on April thirty-first, starting next year in 2015.

In the United States, a federal holiday is an authorized holiday which has been recognized by the government. On Rodney King Day, non-essential federal government offices will be closed, including the post offices and the federal reserve, and every federal employee will be paid for the holiday. Private-sector employees required to work on the holiday shall receive holiday pay in addition to their ordinary wages, according to the bill.

Democratic Representative DeMarcus Johnson of Georgia, who proposed the bill, says that it is very important for the American republic to celebrate the awareness of social unity during times of public adversity.

“As you may very well know, Rodney King, after being brutally beaten by the Los Angeles police officers was made a national hero when he uttered the powerful quote for which he will always be remembered, ‘Can’t we all just get along?'” said Johnson. “Mr. King cried out to the American public during the infamous L.A. Riots, and later suffered through a trial where his abusers were found to be innocent. As good Americans, it is our ultimate responsibility to make it a point to remember these great words from such a heroic and wise man, whose justice was never properly served.”

President Obama says the now famous words of Rodney King offered America a great deal of hope while setting the standard for change.

“Hope, change. These ideas are a product given to use by the great Rodney King. Mr. King made a remarkable difference – not only in this great country of hard-working God-fearing citizens – but the world as a whole continues to feel the remnants of peace, hope, love, and the overall importance of unified change,” said Obama. “It is my honor to sign this extraordinary bill. As I stand before a better America today, it is with pride and utmost appreciation that I say, on the behalf of the great American people, thank you Rodney King. Thank you very much.”

President Obama Scores 102 On IQ Test, Lowest In Presidential History

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As it turns out, the Republicans may have been right all along, and President Obama is not the smartest person in the room after all. Since Woodrow Wilson took office in 1913, all presidents have been given an IQ test at some point during their time as leader. Gerald Ford always held the record for lowest score, with a 111, which is considered just slightly above average. On the other end of the spectrum, George W. Bush scored a 132, which is considered ‘gifted.’ Two-Thirds of people who take the standardized IQ test score between 85-115.

The White House today spun President Obama’s 102 as a ‘solid average’ that is nothing to be ashamed of.

”President Obama never claimed to be smarter than anybody else. As a matter as fact, he has always represented himself as a regular guy, ‘a man of the people,’ as it were,” said Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary. “The key to being a good leader is to surround yourself with smart people, which President Obama has always done. As far as needing to be a genius to run the country, well – George W. Bush had the highest score ever, and look at how that mess turned out. So, the next time President Obama bypasses congress with an executive order, and you’re about to say something cruel, racist, or otherwise completely ignorant, remember that he’s just a regular guy getting things done for you. And hey! At least he’s in the triple digits!”

“Ha! I knew it! King Obama is just a few points away from being a dummy,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”Einstein was a 160, and guess what America – I scored 145! I’m smarter than 99% of you! When I’m elected President, I’ll bring some common sense and smarts back into the White House. Let’s face it, don’t you want your President to be smarter than the guy asking you whether you want to ‘super size’ your fries at the drive through? ‘Vote for me America, I’m smart!’ Hell, I think I’ll make that a bumper sticker!”

Hillary Clinton Caught In Love Affair With Female White House Staff Member

Posted on September 27, 2014 by JP

Washington D.C. –

The Clinton name is back in the news this week, but for once it isn’t former President Bill Clinton who is under the spotlight – this time it’s his wife, Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is under scrutiny, after allegedly being caught having an affair with her co-worker.

The co-worker in question is a former White House secretary, and it is being speculated that the affair has been happening since Hillary first took the job as Secretary of State. The woman, who so far has only been listed in the press as ‘Samille,’ has not been fully identified. It is still unclear if that is a pseudonym. So far, the only information that appears to be accurate is that the affair has taken place over several years.

‘Samille’ was not directly hired by Clinton, and reports indicate it may have been someone who had worked within the White House for many years, possibly meeting Hillary as far back as when her husband was President. Sources within the White House say that they spent so much time together ‘working,’ and having late-night meetings, that people began to wonder if there was something illicit happening almost as far back as 2012. The alleged affair officially came to light when a White House staffer, who had set up a meeting with Hillary, showed up 15 minutes early only to find the lovers kissing.

Since the accusations, Samille has admitted to it happening a lot more than once, and is claiming that she couldn’t help her emotions towards the former first lady.

“I mean it was something about the power, and the political presence that she holds. Plus, my God – the pantsuits are to die for, you know? They just set a fire in my heart…and between my legs,” said Samille via email to the Associated Press.

Former president Bill Clinton, who was first confronted with the news by reporters who caught him out to dinner on a business meeting, was asked if this would be the end of his marriage with Hillary.

“Oh God, I don’t think so. I mean, I think if anything at this point we would be considered even,” said former president Clinton, not at all taken aback by the news of his wife’s alleged infidelity. “She stood by me while I diddled everything that walked into the Oval Office, or Oral Office, as I liked to call it, haha. It’s high time she took the stick out and had a little fun, if you know what I mean. I just hope this might parlay into a little mixing-together-three, if you catch my drift.”

Political analysts are saying that the news breaking at this time might actually be good for Clinton, especially if she has any plans on running for president in 2016.

“When the truth came out about [Bill] Clinton giving Monica Lewinsky the ol’ heave-ho, and Hillary stood by him for some stupid reason, people called her a coward and a wimp. The claimed she didn’t have the nerve to leave her husband because he was president, when any other woman on the face of the planet would have just said “sayonara,'” said political analyst for the Washington Post Times, Bill Reed. “This turns everything on its head. This will get her the vote if she runs in 2016. Women will begin to love her for that strong sense of womanhood, and men might actually find her appealing now, because all men fantasize about two women going at it. Even if one of them is Hillary Clinton, who has the sex appeal of a school house fire.”

As of this time, there has been no official statement given by Hillary Clinton or anyone from within her political party. When asked about her take on the events, from an ‘insiders’ perspective, Monica Lewinsky said “Well, at least this time it wasn’t me. I certainly don’t need any of those kind of stains on any of my dresses.”