Lottery Officials Say Homeless Texas Man Winner Of $500M Powerball Jackpot

AUSTIN, Texas –

A homeless man, identified as 63-year-old Harry Mills has reportedly won the $500 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery game, one of the largest jackpots in the history of the tickets.

According to game officials, Mills turned in the ticket in Austin at the lottery offices early Thursday morning.

“At first, we thought another random bum had wandered in, thinking we were a bar, or looking to wash himself in our bathroom sink, but Mr. Mills came in and walked right over to our secretary, Jane, and said ‘I’ve won, and I want the money!'”

Mills said that he did not purchase the winning ticket, and like most of his possessions, it was found in the garbage on the streets of Austin.

“Yup, found it just sitting in a stack of newspapers and rags on Tuesday night,” said Mills. “At first I almost put it into my pile of ‘things to use as toilet paper,’ but the I noticed the date, and that it hadn’t been drawn yet. I figured it would be wise to at least wait until the pick the numbers, and then I could wipe my ass with it.”

Fortunately for Mills, he held onto the ticket, and according to lottery officials, he is entitled to the money.

“Where someone gets a winning ticket is not our concern, unless a crime was reported in the process of obtaining, such as an armed robbery,” said lottery spokesperson Joan Allan. “Because this ticket was simply lost or discarded, Mr. Mills is entitled to the winnings.”

“This means a whole better life for me,” said Mills. “I can move out of my box in the alley off 3rd street, and I can get a bigger box off of 9th and Broadway. I don’t have a bank account, so I guess I’ll just get one of those big bags with the giant money symbol on it, and I’ll put it in my shopping cart. But oh, I’m definitely getting a new one of those, too! God, this is the greatest thing that’s happened to me since I took up drinking!”

DALLAS, Texas –

America’s team is making national sports news once again, after it was reported that the team is being charged with major fines from the NFL. The Dallas Cowboys pulled what the NFL Commission is calling a ‘cocky stunt’ after their play-off game against the Detroit Lions. The game involved what many people, including die-hard Cowboys haters, one of the worst play calls in sports history.

Referee Pete Morelli was officiating the game, and took back a crucial pass interference flag. If the play was held, the Lions would have been in scoring position, probably winning the game, and moving forward in the playoffs. Because of the call reversal, the Cowboys were put into a better position, and ended up taking the game from the Lions.

Fans speculated that Morelli was being paid off and he helped the Cowboys win the game. Normally, accusations like those happen mostly by big-mouthed internet trolls and random sports anchors, but in the end, fans understand that those are just accusations, or sports-related conspiracy theories.

In this case, though, referee Pete Morelli received a ‘Thank You’ basket, put together and sent by the Dallas Cowboys management. The gifts were said to be very expensive, including a gold and diamond watch, a 120-year-old bottle of bourbon, a cruise for 2 to the Bahamas, and the keys to a brand new Tesla Model S. A card that came with the items simply read “Thanks for giving us the game. We definitely couldn’t have done it without you. Love, Dallas.”

Morelli’s lawyer suggested he hand the gifts over to the NFL commission to avoid any chance of reprimand from the NFL. He did so, and the commission is investigating the incident, with possible major fines being levied on the Dallas owners.