Statue Of Virgin Mary Falls From Roof, Kills Church Member; Church Refuses To Pay For Funeral

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTERVILLE, Arkansas –

A statue of the virgin Mary fell from the roof of the Catholic Church of the Immaculate Conception, killing Margaret Whineburg, 57, instantly. Her husband, Jacob Whineburg, is demanding restitution for her death. The church claims the accident was an act of God and refuses to submit the claim to their insurance.

“My wife was everything to me,” says Whineburg. “We’d do everything together. Begging for change, dumpster diving, finding cans to return. Maggy had my back, and I had hers for over 30 years. It would have been me who died had she not pushed me out of the way. God is dead to me.”

The church says that they are not responsible, and that the statue was repaired only a scant 15 years ago, and should have held just fine.

“What happened to the woman is unfortunate, but it is all part of God’s plan. Furthermore, her husband is homeless. If we give the money to him, he will just use it on drugs and alcohol,” says Rev. Daniel Comboni. “He is welcome to come to our food kitchen at any time if he is in need of a meal, but I’m afraid that’s the best we will do.”

Woman Beats Husband To Death With Baseball Bat After Mistakenly Thinking He Forgot Anniversary

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Nevada –

A Carson City woman was arrested after allegedly beating her husband to death with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat for forgetting their anniversary. Sadly, the woman was mistaken, and the husband was planning a surprise trip.

According to police, Cathy Ferguson beat her husband, Michael, to death on Friday evening, the night of their 10th wedding anniversary. Cathy said that Michael had not at all mentioned anything about their anniversary, despite dropping “several hints” in the weeks leading up to it.

“I kept mentioning gifts I wanted or things we could do, but you know, subtly,” said Cathy. “He didn’t seem to pick up on any of it. He has forgotten our anniversary for the last 3 years, and this was the last damn straw. When I saw him sitting in the chair, casually reading his magazine instead of taking me out to a fancy dinner, I just lost it. I beat him to death with his childhood baseball bat.”

Police say that when searching the house, the found 2 tickets for a Bermuda cruise inside of a greeting card, with a long love letter inside. The tickets were booked for one day after their anniversary. When police brought this information to Cathy, she immediately broke down in tears.

Woman Gives Birth To Puppies After Admitting To Sex With Family Dog

Posted on February 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVO, Utah –

Samantha Kedder, 24, has reportedly given birth to a litter of German Shepherd puppies after being hospitalized with severe stomach pains. Doctors were surprised to see Kedder go into labor, as she didn’t know she was pregnant.

“It was even more of a shock when three tiny puppies came out instead of a baby,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Provo Medical Center. “To be honest, we didn’t know this was possible. It’s both a marvel of modern medicine and extremely disturbing at the same time.”

Kedder admits that while she was recently living at home, she would often have sex with the family dog, Jonsey, because she couldn’t find a date.

“I didn’t know anyone in town. My parents moved to a new place, I lost my job, and had to move back home,” said Kedder. “I didn’t have time to meet any new guys while I was applying for jobs, so I would sometimes have sex with Jonsey. I don’t think it was wrong. He’s a big dog, and he wasn’t hurt by it. In fact, he really seemed to like it. I know I did.”

According to Dr. Brown, Kedder’s birth is the first on record for an inter-species relationship.

“This opens up a lot of doors in science and medicine that we thought were closed,” said Dr. Brown. “The fact that her eggs were able to be implanted by canine sperm, it’s just, well it’s just amazing. Still really, really gross, but definitely amazing.”

Mother Names Baby ‘Roofie’ After How She Became Impregnated

Posted on February 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

KEENE, Louisiana –

A new mother has reportedly named her son Roofie after she was apparently drugged and raped during a party. The woman, Felicia Gregory, says that during a visit to Boston College last May, she was drugged and impregnated, but that she “wouldn’t change any of it.”

“Yes, I was roofied while at a party, and that’s why I named my son Roofie,” said Gregory, 23. “He may have been born out of wedlock, which I never would have asked for. He may have born born of rape, which I never would have asked for. And he may be the by product of any one of the 17 men who had sex with me that night, which I never would have asked for, but I’m still so glad he’s mine.”

Gregory says that she never told anyone except a few close friends what happened, because she didn’t think anyone would believer her. When the baby was born, doctors were surprised that she would choose such a controversial name.

“I was originally going to just name him Rape Baby, but I thought the point might be a little to straight forward, so this was second best,” said Gregory. “My son will always be special to me, and Roofie Jesus Gregory is the love of my life.”

Newly Published Documents Reveal Ted Cruz Is Actually Undocumented Alien From Cuba

Posted on February 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Recently discovered documents that were leaked to the press allegedly show that senator Ted Cruz, whose full name is Rafael Edward Cruz, was not born in Canada to American parents, as Cruz has led people to believe. According to birth certificates and hospital paperwork that was uncovered, Cruz is actually a Cuban immigrant who was born in Havana.

“Ted Cruz has always maintained that he was American. He says he was born to American parents who were working in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and that he was a dual-citizen Canadian and American,” said political pundit Joe Goldsmith. “As recent documents have disclosed, though, Rafael ‘Ted’ Cruz was born in Havana, Cuba to a woman who was a prostitute.”

According to hospital records, Cruz’s mother, whose name was not known, died during childbirth, and the baby was adopted by the Cruz family in 1970. The records indicate that Cruz’s mother was a Cuban woman who barely spoke any English. His father was listed as one out of 8 possible people, all Cuban construction workers who apparently participated in a gang-bang.

Ted Cruz could not be reached for comment.

Woman Delivers Healthy Newborn Baby Anally After Internal Complications

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A woman who went into labor on Sunday evening became the first in recorded history to deliver her baby anally instead of vaginally, after internal complications forced doctors to re-route her baby’s delivery path.

“Our patient, whose name is not being released at this time, suffered from serious infections and complications during her labor, and as such, we were not able to deliver her baby vaginally or through emergency caesarian procedures,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Atlanta Medical Center. “The patient was sedated, and we were able to successfully redirect her baby from her uterus through her bowels, and out her colon. It is the first, and as I’m aware, only time that this has been performed.”

Dr. Goldsmith says the entire procedure was recorded for future study and use by other medical professionals who may run into similar situations. At the time of this writing, both mother and baby were fine, although mother will be forced to wear adult diapers for the forseeable future.

Bernie Sanders Plans Sex Change Surgery To Garner Votes From Women

Posted on February 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Bernie Sanders, who has been leading the polls against Hillary Clinton, announced today that there was one segment of the vote that he was not able to grasp, and that was the women vote.

“I’ve got the African-Americans, the poor, the white, the tall, the skinny, the fat – I’ve got it all, baby,” said Sanders to a packed town hall in New Hampshire on Monday morning. “The one thing I haven’t been able to get is the woman vote. Clinton has that locked in because she was born with a vagina, and that’s one thing I couldn’t compete with. Until now.”

Sanders went on to say that he would be undergoing sex reassignment surgery to better understand what a woman goes through, and he hopes that this will also help to get more women to vote for him.

“I can promise a lot of things, but I can’t promise that I know what it’s like to pee sitting down, or to have breasts and nurse a child, and with this surgery, these changes, I will. And by the end of the year, when it’s time to cast your ballots for president, I will be able to fully encompass all people, even women.”

Woman Takes Testosterone Supplements While Pregnant To Make Baby More ‘Manly’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TORONTO, Canada –

Tragically, Kathy Martin did not know the consequences or seek a doctor’s advice before taking testosterone supplements while pregnant. She says her husband, Dave, encouraged her to take them so their baby boy would be more masculine than their first child.

Their newborn son was delivered 5 weeks premature, suffering from severe birth defects. Androgen supplements are considered a class D drug and should obviously never be used during pregnancy.

“We just didn’t want another little flamer like the last one,” says David, who is facing criminal charges for supplying the supplements to his wife after purchasing them illegally over the internet. “Don’t get me wrong, we love our oldest son, but at four years old you can already see the he is afflicted with the disease of faggotry. He says his favorite color is pink and his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. That’s not the son I wanted, but yeah, we love him. He’s from my loins, unfortunately.”

Kathy says, “As a good Christian woman it is my responsibility to honor and obey my husband without question. He assured me there would be no risks to the baby, and that the mustache I grew would surely fall right off after the baby was born.”

Both parents are being investigated by child protective services as well as local police.

Woman Crushed To Death While Having Sex With Horse

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Elvis, a spotted saddle horse, has been removed from his owner’s custody after crushing a woman to death. According to husband Rick Brownlee, Mary Brownlee had grown up around horses and this wasn’t her first time, so he was not worried she would be injured.

Rick Brownlee, Steven Hutchinson, and Joseph Hutchinson, who all live in the home where the horse was stabled, were not immediately forthcoming about the manner in which Mary had been killed.

Officer Michael Deschenes says at first they pretended not to know how she had been killed when they were questioned.

“Of course it was suspicious because she had her pants around her ankles. There was a puddle of what appeared to be a large amount of ejaculate. I told them that they were going to fess up or they was all going to jail.”

The men finally confessed, and police seized a video showing Mary Brownlee’s last minutes. On the video the men can be heard cheering, laughing, and breathing heavily while the horse mounted Mary. Investigators say the cracking of her ribs can be isolated on the tape. Because Mary was being crushed she was unable to scream for help.

Joseph Hutchinson says they honestly did not know she was in trouble. “I heard a snap. Just thought it was the fence starting to give. I’m real sorry the horse had to go through this. You can tell he’s awfully traumatized over it.”

According to police, the horse will be placed with another local rancher who has promised that he will not let anyone have sex with it.

Pregnant Woman Severely Beaten While Out At Bar

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOLEDO, Ohio –

Danielle Pierce was at a bar Sunday evening for a friend’s birthday when she was reportedly approached by another woman, Karley Stephenson, who accused Pierce of drinking. The altercation became heated after Pierce told Stephenson to “mind her own business,” and tried to walk away.

Pierce says she told Stephenson she was only drinking Coke and grenadine. “I told that psycho, ‘I’m eight months pregnant. I ain’t drinking,’ but she still came at me. She knocked the drink out of my hand, and it went all down the front of my shirt. Then she got nasty.”

After knocking the drink out of Pierce’s hand, Stephenson reportedly grabbed Pierce by the hair, and proceed to hit her in the face with a beer bottle until it shattered.

Security staff detained Stephenson until police arrived, and Pierce was brought by rescue to a local hospital. Doctors say she will likely have permanent disfiguring scars on her face from the attack. Stephenson has refused to apologize for the incident, saying, “She shouldn’t have been at the bar. You don’t go out drinking when you’re pregnant. If she wasn’t there, this wouldn’t have happened to her.”

Doctors say Stephenson’s baby was not harmed in the attack.