World Cup Has Lowest Ratings in History as People Discover How Much Soccer Sucks

Posted on June 27, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RUSSIA –

As the World Cup championship gets underway, the TV ratings for the sport have dwindled to record lows, with only approximately 1 out of every 3 million homes tuning in. Despite marketing the event all over the world, FIFA has said they are “really upset” by the numbers.

“We depend on people to watch the games from home, because the ad revenue is what we live off of the next 4 years before the next Cup,” said spokesman Ron Pele. “The ad revenue this year, we’re…well, it’s beans and franks the next four years. No one is watching.”

“Honestly, I only ever watched the Cup because it’s all the was on before I had cable,” said former soccer fan Mario Bluth. “Now that I have Netflix and stuff, why the hell would I watch soccer? They’re a bunch of pussies.”

Numbers outside of the United States and Canada have also dwindled to record lows, with FIFA saying that it’s possible they may need to cancel TV presentation of future events.

“This TV time isn’t cheap, and sponsors are calling us with threats to pull ads left and right,” said Pele. “This is really, really bad for the sport of soccer. Or Football. Whatever you call it. Who cares?”

FIFA World Cup Committee Banning Teams That Refer To Sport As ‘Soccer’

Posted on October 6, 2014 by JP

ZURICH, Switzerland –

Some truly bitter news for soccer fans today. After years of debate, the board of trustees for the World Cup committee have come to an agreement, and it’s one that may hurt the USA Soccer team. It has been decided that any team that does not wish to call the sport by what they consider its true name, football, will be immediately banned from competition.

According to representatives of the organization, they feel that it is ‘disrespectful’ to call the sport something that it isn’t, and no other organization would ever stand for this to happen in any other sport.

“It’s like calling a man a woman, or a Korean a Mexican. We just can’t allow it,” Said Prince Ali Bin Al-Hussein, vice-president of FIFA. “The sport is known in more countries as football, and indeed you primarily use your feet to play. Basketball is still basketball no matter what country you’re in. Why is our sport any different?”

The committee stated they felt that out of all the sporting events in this world, besides the Olympics, ‘football’ is one that caters to all nations, big or small.

“f most of the world is on board to play, then they should be on the same page in every aspect of the sport, even the name,” said Al-Hussein. “The name of the sport is football. If anything, the American sport should change their name to something that reflects that sport. I’m suggesting ‘overlong game of toss’ or ‘penalties for everything.'”

“Football is a beautiful sport – and I’m not talking about the American version where men grab butts, wear tights, roll around on the ground with each other,” continued Al-Hussein. “They throw the ball with their hands. Why did they ever even call it football? I’m talking about the truly exciting sport of football, where men run up and down the field for hours, and scoring a goal is so hard that they hug and cheer when even a single point is earned,” said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA.

There has been no official word by the US team on plans to change their name to the US Football Team, but production has been put in motion by the team owners to create new uniforms and memorabilia. With the US doing as well as they did in last year’s World Cup, franchise owners have said they have ‘no desire’ to miss out on any playing time by something ‘so silly’ as what the team is called.

Is A “Running Man” TV Show In Our Future?

Posted on June 15, 2014 by Rab

The World Cup is underway in one of the most notorious countries in the world for sports based murders, Brazil. The opening ceremonies were beautiful until they were scarred by riots and tear gas. People are upset about how much Brazil is paying out to put on the World Cup, and they showed their anger with riots and car tipping. With that minor hiccup over, the World Cup was well underway. The first game went off without a hitch and everything was beautiful – and then came the second game. Tensions were high with the buzzers and spinning-horn things sounding in unison. Like a firework, the game was off with a bang.

The sportsmanship didn’t last long, however. Call after call, the referees kept making shaky calls about sides and unsportsmanlike conduct. The last straw soon came. The whistle blew, the red card flew, and the stands emptied. With a quickness the crowds rushed the field only to be met by SWAT teams with batons and shields. The shields and batons were of little use against the 100,000+ people storming towards them like a giant tidal wave. Swiftly the crowd swept up the referee. Just as quickly as they grabbed him, they started cutting. Just as quickly as they started cutting, it was over. Pieces of referee were flying through the crowd.

In that brief few minutes of horror, no single televised event, scripted or otherwise has ever achieved a ratings spike like that. The media quickly grabbed that clip and went running mad with it. Their ratings soon spiked as well. Sports networks did the same, and again the same happened. This is when Dough Herzog, President of Viacom Media Networks had an Epiphany.

“I figured with all the hype these clips are getting, and all the hype MMA, WWE, and all the war footage gets, this was the next logical step.” Herzog said. “If we can show these atrocities on television, why couldn’t we show it with willing participants?” He then threw his idea into the water to see if it would get any nibbles. “SpikeTV, MTV, and FX all wanted a piece of this pie. We decided to settle on SpikeTV – a real man’s-man kind of network. That’s who this new show is going to appeal to the most.”

The show Herzog was talking about was a “Running Man” like game show, where contestants (death row inmates, or inmates that have committed serious crimes) have to work together to solve a series of puzzles, all while being stalked by “The Hunters.”

“The Hunters were my idea.” Herzog gloatingly stated. “I love the idea of an ominous enemy that is looming around every corner.” Herzog himself formed a committee to find these “Hunters”. He acquired a mercenary group from deep in the heart of South Africa who used to hunt poachers, and kill smugglers of diamonds. “These people are ruthless. You show them the beheading footage and they just eat breakfast and make jokes about other things. Totally jaded.”

Unfortunately for the inmates involved, if they win they do not get a full pardon, as portrayed in the Running Man and other similar film rip-offs. They do however get to live the rest of their days out in lavish luxury in a Camp Cupcake style penitentiary, still maximum security. “Still, that lifestyle change is worth almost dying, and potentially killing for, after living in the squalor that is the American Prison System.” Herzog said. “Everyone we have surveyed except a select few believe that this entertainment would be amazing, and totally worth DVR-ing.”

The as-yet-untitled show will air on SpikeTV sometime next year, assuming that Viacom can work out legal details with the prison system and inmates. So far, there does not seem to be any pushback from Merl Johnson, the Chairman of the Federal Board of Prisons, who would be working with Viacom and producers to choose inmates for the show.

It seems that we are on the dawn of a new day, and the new day will be televised murder – with prizes!