Vivid Entertainment Offers Ben Carson $250,000 To Star In Adult Video Series

ben carson

LOS ANGELES, California –

Vivid Entertainment, the adult film company responsible for pioneering celebrity sex tapes and porn parodies, has reportedly offered current presidential candidate Ben Carson $250,000 to star in a series of pornographic films.

Vivid, who have released tapes starring Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton among many others, is looking to capitalize on Carson’s current celebrity status as a mumbling Republican presidential candidate, who was previously known best as a surgeon who separated siamese twins. Carson has surged in the polls lately despite his seemingly inept concept of politics, something that Vivid has says will actually be incorporated into the storyline of the films.

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Founder of Vivid, Steven Hirsch, says that if Carson agrees to star in the series, they will create three adult films that tell the story of his life. The first, to be titled Carson: The Teen Years would chronicle Carson’s sexual escapades as a mumbling teen prior to his career in medicine. The second film in the series, titled Carson: Mumble On My Dick would take place over the eight-year period of his medical school and immediately following. The final film, titled Carson: Sleeping The Election Away would feature Carson as he is today, boring and banal.

“All the films will feature known adult film stars, including Vivid favorites Hanna Hilton and Kayden Kross, as well as some of our other Vivid Girls,” Said Hirsch in a pitch sent to representatives for Carson. “The story of Ben Carson’s life is big news, and we want to not only tell his story, but we want to tell it with some really great T&A.”

Hirsch seemed to think that a venture into the adult industry could be exactly what Carson needs to “put a happier face” onto his campaign.

“This whole thing, it looks bad to everyone, anyone who follows politics. As any country looking in at us, it makes us look horrible for even considering him,” Said Hirsch. “We want to help the Ben, and to pay some respect to a guy who’s been through a lot. So, we’ve already got the writer working on the scripts. He started this morning, so he should be done by lunchtime. These are movies we are dying to make, and Carson would be a fool not to get in bed with us. Literally.”

Representatives for Ben Carson have said they are pushing for him to accept the offer, but so far he has not agreed to participate.

Man Who Had World’s First Horse Penis Transplant Signs Deal To Star In Series Of Adult Films

LOS ANGELES, California – Florida Man Successfully Receives Penis Transplant From Horse

Nicolas Waterbury, the recipient of the world’s first ever horse-to-human penis transplant in July of 2014, made news again earlier this week when he signed a deal with Elite Adult Entertainment, an up-and-coming giant in the adult film industry.

Owner and CEO of EA Entertainment, Ron Wetsherbed, has issued a statement regarding the deal.

“We are very, very excited to get this deal completed. We had been keeping in touch with Mr. Waterbury since his surgery, and have been following his progress. He has officially been cleared as having a completely healthy, normally functioning penis. Something that is music to our ears,” Wetsherbed said.

The deal, worth $2 million, consists of a series of ten films in which Waterbury will co-star with popular adult film actresses who will be announced at a later date.

Wetsherbed said that it is a tremendous and honorable opportunity for his company to become a pioneer of sorts. “This is a first, not just in the adult film industry, but a man with a real horse penis is huge news. Having that man in our films? It is absolutely priceless. It is something everyone will want to see, whether they like pornography or not, and whether they admit it or not. It is one of those things you just have to see to believe, and I can say I have seen it and just let me say, he is going to be a very, very popular man by the end of this year. Mark my words.”

Eighth Grade Teacher Suspended For Teaching Students Oral Sex Techniques Using Cucumbers

SEATTLE, Washington – Eighth Grade Teacher Suspended For Teaching Students Oral Sex Techniques Using Cucumbers

An eighth grade teacher in Seattle, Washington is under massive scrutiny, and in some cases, praise, after teaching female students how to perform oral sex using cucumbers. Many male students observed, as well as several other teachers from the school.

Michelle Johanson, 28, a health teacher at Jameson Middle School in the North Central Seattle neighborhood of Wallingford, reportedly taught students who volunteered to stay after school how to properly perform oral sex on a male as she demonstrated while using a cucumber. Johanson also provided female students with cucumbers of their own as she demonstrated the act as several male students and teachers, observed the innovative teaching technique.

As can be imagined, several parents were outraged when their daughters came home excitedly to show their parents what they learned at school that day. Rebecca McDougal, whose 13-year-old daughter is a student in Johanson’s class, told The Seattle Observer that her daughter came directly home and showed her what she had learned by grabbing a some vegetables from the refrigerator and practicing.

“I could not believe it, she knew how to do things I never learned to do. Not to mention the size of the cucumber Ms. Johanson gave her – it was certainly bigger than any penis I’ve ever had. Definitely bigger than Becca’s dad. It’s pretty sad when your 13-year-old daughter teaches you how to do what you never could,” McDougal said. “I mean Ms. Johanson should at least show her male students how to perform oral sex on females while she is at it.”

Not all parents were outraged however, such as William Ragsdale, who’s 12-year-old daughter was one of the students Johanson taught the act to. “I think it’s a great thing. Women usually don’t really learn how to do it right until their mid-thirties, at least. That’s what I’ve found from experience, anyway. At least now my little girl will have a head start” Ragsdale said. “I commend Ms. Johanson for her ballsy approach.”

After being reviewed by the Washington State Board of Education, it has been declared that Michelle Johanson will not face any possibility of termination. In fact, by showing initiative, the board is contemplating reviewing its stance on sexual education and considering teaching both female and male students how to properly perform oral sex. Johanson was suspended one week with pay to avoid any unwanted confrontations. She is expected to return to her classroom by next Monday.

Johanson has not come forward to speak with media as of yet, as she was reportedly advised by her teacher’s union representative to keep her mouth plugged for the time being.

New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady To Pose Nude For Playgirl Magazine

SACRAMENTO, California – New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady To Pose Nude For Playgirl Magazine

Tom Brady’s wife Gisele apparently isn’t the only model in the family. In a press release from Brady’s publicist, Antionette McCandless, it was announced that the superstar quarterback will pose fully nude in Playgirl Magazine.

“Both Tom and Gisele are very excited about his upcoming shoot,” McCandless said. “Year after year, he has been voted by female fans of the NFL as the sexiest athlete in the world. He is really going for it here, and is going to show the world all that he has – while also showing why he has the most beautiful woman in the world as a wife.”

Crescent Publishing Group, based in Sacramento, California, who publishes the magazine, say this is a great opportunity for them to also reach out to their massive gay male demographic.

“Everyone knows we produce a magazine for women, but it has an even larger following in the gay male community,” CPG spokesperson Tamara Rollins said. “We get shot huge loads of emails from our consumers every day, and most of them are from men. You would not believe how many emails and letters we have received over the years requesting we get Tom Brady in an issue. To be honest, I’m pretty surprised at how many gay men are avid football fans. It’s probably the tight pants.”

CPG has not announced when the issue would be released, but said that it would be at least a few months before they could meet with him for the pictorial, as Brady has several obligations related to the Patriots organization, as well as several charities in which his involved.

In 2010, Playgirl made a desperate attempt to lure in controversial quarterback Michael Vick to no avail. Over the years, they’ve reached out to other NFL players as well. “It is really difficult to get any major athlete involved in our publication, and of course that is what women, and many men, want to see when they open Playgirl magazine,” said Rollins. “Player’s agents have made it a really tough nut to bust for our magazine.”

 

Redbox Partners With Vivid Entertainment, Company To Stock XXX Films In Kiosks

LOS ANGELES, California – Redbox Partners With Vivid Entertainment, Company To Stock XXX Films In Kiosks

Several communities across America are outraged at news released this morning of Redbox, everyone’s favorite video store replacement, partnering with porn-titans Vivid Entertainment to bring adult films to grocery store and gas station kiosks everywhere.

Redbox and Vivid made the announcement this morning that hardcore, adult entertainment will become ‘more easily accessible to consumers than ever,’ as they begin to roll out rentals of pornographic titles at all Redbox kiosks by the end of 2014. Naturally, a large concern from parents is that Rebox will not have an acceptable verification process in place.

When asked how they will ensure underage customers aren’t renting hardcore porn DVDs, Redbox responded by saying “Just like with R-rated movies we have in the kiosks now, the customer will be asked if they are over 18 and will be required to say yes.”

When is was questioned as to what would stop a child from selecting the ‘yes’ button indicating they are of legal age to obtain pornographic material, Redbox responded by saying “We’re basically operating on the honor system. We trust our customers to be honest with their responses. Besides, kids don’t have credit cards anyway.”

“We think it’s time someone put the porn rental business back on the map,” said representatives for Vivid. The company promises that each kiosk will contain at least 30 hardcore titles to choose from.

A Vivid spokesperson also guaranteed several spicy sub-genres to choose from. “We understand today’s consumer doesn’t want to watch boring, middle-aged white people have missionary sex, so we are committed to stocking each kiosk with multiple options to float your boat. You can expect interracial, BBW, fetish, Asian, and celebrity categories at each location.”

Redbox has confirmed that the new adult DVDs won’t cost the consumer any more than a standard DVD rental. According to the press release, they will also be offering a discounted Adult DVD with every standard DVD rental the week of the kick off.

Both companies have avoided directly addressing the likely hood of underage customers being able to access the pornographic material. They have each taken the stand that it’s up to the parents to manage their children’s sexual urges, and if they want to blame someone for underage children looking at boobies, they should blame the internet.

“Parents need to realize that corporations shouldn’t have to be responsible for their kids, and what they’re watching, doing, eating, or seeking out as entertainment,” said Redbox. “The old phrase ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ does not say anything about corporations and mega-companies. That said, we respect all of our customers, regardless of their horrible parenting skills.”

Unsurprisingly, one of the largest objectors to the partnership are the internet ‘tube sites’ that provide unlimited porn to millions of consumers each day. Sources have speculated that the new arrangement between Redbox and Vivid could potentially cost the top tube sites millions of dollars per year in ad revenue, assuming that people forget that anything you want can be had for free on the internet.

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