‘Zombie Man’ Bites Police Officer, Facing Life In Prison

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CINCINNATI, Ohio – 

John Thomer, 28, dressed as a zombie, was arrested outside the courthouse where a hearing was held for the man charged with violating zoning rules for his zombie nativity scene last month, Jasen Dixon. Thomer was initially arrested for growling into a megaphone and interrupting the Dixon’s trial.

Thomer’s sentence of three days in jail has now been extended indefinitely after assaulting one of the corrections officers in what he claims was a “joke gone wrong.” He is expected to be transferred from Hamilton Country Jail to Cincinnati State Penitentiary as soon as he is railroaded through the justice system by the DA, a subpar public defender, and a judge who will likely not see this as a good-natured joke.

Corrections Officer Royce Beaulac says, “That nutcase couldn’t behave himself for three days. Guess he really wanted an Ohio State Butt Rape special!”

Thomer explains: “It was a joke. A love-bite really. Some of the make-up I used wouldn’t come off. He’d been making fun of me, but jokingly ya know, so I playfully lunged at him, saying ‘Brains! In retrospect, I see that was a mistake, and it was obvious the officer had no brains whatsoever.”

Young Man Shot During Zombie Prank At Pennsylvania Mall

MILLTOWN, Pennsylvania – 

Rick Pilsner, 20, was reportedly shot and killed during a prank he was filming for his YouTube channel yesterday evening. Pilsner, known to his 13 followers on the social media channel as “That Prank Guy,” reportedly had dressed up in a “very realistic” zombie outfit to scare shoppers at the Milltown Plaza Mall.

“It’s a tragedy that this happened, a truly sad story,” said Milltown police chief Joe Goldsmith. “Rick Pilsner was well known in this town for his pranks and jokes, but this one just went too far for one citizen. Apparently Rick never watched the news, and didn’t know that any idiot with a gun is likely to use it, especially in a mall.”

Goldsmith says that at approximately 8pm, Pilsner went into a mall restroom and changed into his zombie outfit and makeup. At approximately 8:30pm, when he walked out of the bathroom mumbling “brainssss…brainsss…” a passing shopper drew his concealed firearm and shot Pilsner 3 times in the face.

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“Yup. I saw that zombie, and he was coming right for me, screaming about eatin’ my brains,” said Jerry Moore, 62, a retired truck driver. “I was carrying my old .45, as I usually am, and when I saw him coming at me, I drew out and shot the sumbitch right in the face. After he went down, I shot him a couple more times, too. Can’t be too careful with zombies, you know.”

Moore, who was later informed that Pilsner was a young man in a costume, and not an actual zombie, reportedly commented “Pfft, that’s just what the government wants you to think. I know a real zombie when I see one.”

Goldsmith says that Moore will not face criminal charges in the case, as he honestly “feared for his life.” His weapon was temporarily confiscated for investigation purposes.

Haunted House Owners Cover Up Man’s Death By Disguising Him As Prop

MARIETTA, Georgia – 

A couple who run a haunted house in Marietta, Georgia are under arrest today after reportedly trying to hide the death of one of their customers.

Geoff March, 67, had apparently visited the haunted house 2 weeks ago by himself, when he suffered a major heart attack. The couple, Marlene and Joseph Rogers, allegedly dressed March in tattered clothes, and made him up to look like a zombie.

“It’s one of the most disturbing, odd crimes I’ve ever seen,” said Marietta police chief Joe Goldsmith. “They were not at fault. It was an accident. Mr. March had a history of heart problems, and he was scared to death. It’s tragic, but it wasn’t a crime.”

According to Goldsmith, the Rogers couple assumed they would be held liable, and didn’t want to face charges.

“We had no idea he had previous heart problems,” said Joseph Rogers. “We thought we literally scared this man to death, and it was our fault. I panicked, and I talked Marlene into helping me dress him up like a zombie. None of our other patrons over the last couple weeks even noticed.”

Chief Goldsmith says that the couple were found out when March’s body began to smell badly, and customers complained.

“One of our deputies happened to go through the house on his night off, and he smelled death,” said Goldsmith. “When he confronted the Rogers, they burst into tears. They were taken into custody late last night.”

The Rogers are charged with concealing a deceased individual, a class C-felony. They face up to 2 years in prison.

Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

WAUKEGAN, Illinois – Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

Halloween in Waukegan, Illinois is anticipated by the entire town, as every October for the past 8 years, the Graham family has unveiled their haunted house to the neighborhood, with the event drawing thousands of visitors throughout the season.

The event became so popular that for the third year in a row, local police had to set up barricades to keep both automobile and pedestrian traffic moving along at an orderly pace, and the Graham’s started pre-selling tickets to the event to keep track of visitors.

“That’s how we noticed something was off,” said Hank Graham, owner of the Wicked Waukegan Haunted House. “The tickets came up one short when we counted out the receipts at the end of the day. That was the first or second night of the attraction, at the beginning of this month.”

The mystery of the incorrect ticket count was solved late last week when a 6-year-old visitor told his parents he was very frightened of the “old, dead stinky man” on the second level.  “I heard the little boy say that,” said Hank, “and I thought – ‘Oh great!’  If kids are getting a scare, well, that’s the whole fun of it. Every year we add new props – we have mummies, skeletons, and mannequins, plus the ol’ peeled grapes as eyeballs in a bowl, strobe lights, fog machines – crowd favorites, I guess you’d call them. Unfortunately, it was not one of our props that had scared the boy.”

That same evening, 31-year-old Susan Johnston, screamed in terror as her children, who she was accompanying through the haunt, accidentally bumped into what they thought was a prop dummy, and discovered it to be an actual dead body.

“I told them to be careful as we went through, but my little Grace, I think she touched him and it knocked him over, and his arm literally ripped right off his body! Blood and other bodily fluids got all over Grace’s jacket and in her hair, and my son Ricky got some sort of slime all over his hand. They were both terrified. It smelled so bad when we first walked in, but we thought it was all just part of the attraction. Both of my children vomited right there on the floor.”

According to police, a 71-year-old man, whose identity has not been released pending notification to the family, had leaned up against a corner of the building after climbing the stairs to the second floor, and had apparently passed away.  “We don’t yet know whether he had a heart attack or an existing illness that may have caused his death,” said Officer Allison Garfield, who had been on the scene to direct traffic. “It was mayhem after he was discovered, though. People ran from the building screaming, but not in a good, fun way as you’d expect at a place like this.”

“To think that someone could live all alone in this world in a way that no one would notice you gone for multiple weeks, and he made a trip here all by himself to have some fun…We didn’t notice him ourselves – it’s just awful,” Said Lynn Graham. “We have so many props up there I guess I thought Hank put him up there, and he thought I did.”

The local health department shut down the Halloween exhibit, but authorities did not file charges against the Graham family.  “It was just an unfortunate accident,” said Officer Garfield. “These are just some wonderful people who open their home every year for people to have some fun, and this just put a shadow over the whole thing.”

The Grahams have closed their attraction for the remainder of the season, but said they do plan to re-open the haunt next year.

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