Sinister Secrets Of Your Local ‘House of Pizza’ And The Illuminati

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

EVERYTOWN, USA –

Ever wonder why there is a House of Pizza located in every small town in America? The truth is more incredible than you can imagine.

Conspiracy-theory expert, Paul Young claims he uncovered documents that will send shockwaves through the internet. He obtained them while employed as night manager at his local House of Pizza. “People need to realize these Greeks aren’t just about slinging subs and calzones. They’re more concerned about setting themselves up in positions of power in the New World Order.”

Young claims his suspicions started when he got a look at the books. “There was no way we were making as much as they claimed. At first I thought they must be laundering money. The owner was visited by mysterious men in suits, so it all made sense.”

When another employee discovered Illuminati symbols stamped on the underside of a table, Young became concerned. “I started digging into the files in the office, and I made a shocking discovery. All these Houses of Pizza are connected, forming a network of sleeper cells around the country. Don’t believe me? I’ve found the mark of the all-seeing eye under many House of Pizza tables. I suggest you look for yourselves.

Although many believe the Order of the Illuminati is no longer active, Paul insists that’s just what they want you to think. “There is abundant evidence that the Illuminati exists and our leaders are just puppets with no real control. I have studied it extensively on Youtube. Anyone with a computer can confirm this. The problem is the masses just believe whatever they’re told by mainstream media.”

If You’re In The Market For A Summer Swimsuit, Read This First!

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

As bikini season approaches, women everywhere are searching for that one flattering bathingsuit that will get them through the season.

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) now warns west-coast shoppers to keep underwear on when trying on bathing suits this season, after two ladies in the Sacramento area have been diagnosed with antibiotic-resistant Gonorrhea after trying on swimsuits. Both women claim circumstances make it impossible that they contracted the mutant strain from sexual activity.

Both had gone swimsuit shopping the week before showing pronounced symptoms of gonorrhea, including a pus-like vaginal discharge and uncontrollable urination.

As this strain of gonorrhea is exceptionally aggressive, the CDC cautions all shoppers when trying on clothes. “Usually gonorrhea is only spread through sexual contact, and it can be cured. This strain is concerning because it is not only resistant to treatment, it has a high survivability. It appears a minute amount of bacteria was able to live on the fabric that came in contact with the source’s vagina. Frankly, that’s frightening.”

Man Arrested for Eating Bald Eagle

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Texans are calling for the death penalty for a man accused of disrespecting America in the worst possible way, shooting and eating a bald eagle.

Larry Tucker says the eagle asked for it. “Damn bird kept picking off my chickens so I shot it. A man has a right to protect his livestock from predators.”

Arrested under the Eagle Protection act, Tucker expected to be fined for poaching and sent on his way. Because he admitted to broiling the bird, he now faces additional charges. Although his lawyer advises him there is no way he will actually get the death penalty, the public outrage against him has really hurt Tucker’s feelings.”

“I’m not un-American. Got a flag on my front porch like everybody else. I’ve always liked to try different meats, and it would have been a waste if I didn’t eat the damn thing. I truly regret it. Damn thing didn’t even taste good.”

Man Has Glass Bong Slide Removed from Urethra

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Don’t let your half-baked idea land you in the hospital. Mica Dorsey required emergency surgery to remove glass that had broken off in his urethra.

The man admitted to it was not the first time he engaged in “urethral play,” which is a fetish involving insertion of hard or soft objects into the urethra during masturbation. Dorsey’s object of choice was a glass bong slide.

After applying pressure to his shaft he felt a sharp pain followed by blood. Upon removing the glass tube he realized the end had shattered, and amazingly was able to drive himself to the hospital.

Although most people would be too ashamed to admit this publically, Dorsey talks openly about his experience. “People do a lot of shit behind closed doors, and I just want anyone thinking about doing this to know the dangers. I don’t want to see this happening to anyone else, and no I wasn’t even stoned, actually.”

New Line of Barbies Will Include A Gender-Neutral Version Of Doll

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

After the White House unveiling of a gender-neutral bathroom, Mattel has one-upped the Obamas by announcing release of limited-edition gender neutral dolls.

Androgynous-looking Chris is the first of a serious of the new Everybody Line, which will feature lipstick lesbian, Erica, tough-girl Tonya, and Steven, the hairdresser.

Natalie Brenz says this line was born out of necessity. “We understand there a rainbow of different people out there that Barbie and Ken just don’t represent. We wanted to do something to appease all the special interest groups out there, who hate Barbie and everything she stands for.”

Stock in the company has dropped slightly in what investors are calling a gigantic waste of resources. Mattel has responded that while the initial investment in this line may not pay off in sales, the brand will rewarded for its open mindedness in the long term. “Skinny blonds and boy-band look alikes are on their way out. If people want a chubby Catherine or gay Gary, we’ll make it happen.”

Stephen Hawking Sex Tape Reportedly Leaked To Internet

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

It seems anyone can be an object of sexual desire, with fetishes ranging from watching morbidly obese people eat, to enjoying girls urinating on hairy backs. Now there is something even hotter making its way around the internet, as paralyzed physicist Stephen Hawking’s intimate sex tape has reportedly been leaked.

In the 20-minute video, Stephen’s classic computer voice rattles off a whole list of things he wants done to him while a group of extremely bored-looking girls perform various sexual acts, including grinding his paralyzed legs, sucking his toes, and burying his face between their breasts.

Although Hawking is not able to achieve an erection, there is a pronounced twinkle in the physicist’s eyes throughout the video.

A close friend of Stephen explains, “He’s still a man, even though he suffers from ALS, and he wasn’t always paralyzed. He knows what he’s missing, and some part of him wants a taste of it. Even though he is unable to feel, he is able to imagine the sensations. It’s amazing he has lived passed seventy in his condition, and at this point in his life, it’s time to live out his fantasies before it’s too late.”

Vivid Entertainment, known for releasing celebrity sex tapes, says that they have “absolutely no interest” in purchasing and releasing the Hawking sex tape, as it’s just “too out there,” for their regular customers.

Toddler Overdoses On Pop-Tart Pastries

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Texas –

Parents of Ricky Frappier never thought the boy’s favorite snack could be deadly. The 6-year-old boy allegedly got into the snack cabinet at nine in the morning on Friday before his parents had woken up. His mother, Celina, found him unconscious on the kitchen floor surrounded by more than twenty pop-tart wrappers and a mess of uneaten crust.

Celina promptly called 911, and EMTs suspected he had gone into a diabetic coma. “We didn’t know he even had the diabetes. Sure he was a little husky like me and his dad, but I figured a growth spurt was bound to clear that right up.” Social workers are concerned that he did not have a healthy diet, and Ms. Frappier has agreed to attend voluntary nutrition classes.

“What was I supposed to do, starve him? All he’ll eat is chicken nuggets, french fries, hot dogs, toast, and Pop-Tarts. I can’t stand it when he screams, so I just end up feedin’ him what he likes. Things are changing once he gets outta the hospital though. You bet your ass they are.”

The boy’s father, Bucky Rogers, says he’s seen this kind of thing before, but did not know it could happen to his son. “Had I known I would’ve put a pad lock on that damn snack cabinet. It’s like this goat we had when I was a kid. It got into its feed and just kept eating till he died. We usually sleep till noon, and Ricky makes his own breakfast. I’m just glad Celina found him when she did. From now on, I’m keeping the snacks out of his reach so he doesn’t end up dead.”

Young Man Kills Dog After It Eats His MAGIC Card Collection

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Georgia –

29-year-old Paul Hunter now finds himself imprisoned after killing the family dog in a fit of rage. Paul says the dog got into his bedroom and chewed a binder full of rare Magic the Gathering Cards, worth thousands of dollars.

“Of course Shadow didn’t touch the binder full of more common rares. He went right for my foil Mox Ruby. I had a plateau, limited edition, Ancestral Recall. When I saw they were all chewed up, I just blacked out.”

Hunter’s stepfather, Matt Smith called police after tackling Hunter and prying a metal bat from hands.

“Sick kid was basing my dog’s brains out. I couldn’t believe it. I told his mother he needed to get the hell out of the house, but of course she couldn’t make him leave- or even get a steady job for that matter. He had delusions about going pro-nerd or something. Never was gonna happen.”

Hunter explains his actions. “They were not just cards! It was not just some baseball collection. It was my future. I’ve won a bunch of tournaments at Spellbound. I was just waiting to win a qualifier, and I was going pro. Traveling the pro-circle was going to be my career. I was going to see the world. With Magic you gotta pay to play, though, so without those cards in my arsenal, I was screwed.”

Hunter now finds himself even more screwed, facing up to two years in prison, without a soft place to land whenever he does get out. Stepfather, Matt says, “No way that psycho’s coming back into my house after this one. He’s lucky his mother even comes to visit him.”

Study Proves That Oxygen Is World’s Worst Gateway Drug

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A new study by Harvard medical students has proven unequivocally that oxygen – the air that all mammals breathe in to sustain life – is the most intense ‘gateway drug’ that there is.

“For years, people have been touting marijuana as a gateway drug to trying other, harder, more fun and exciting drugs,” said Harvard researcher James Franz. “Our study shows, though, that there are many, many people who will try marijuana in their lives, and never go on to try any other drugs. On the other hand, though, there is not a single person who has tried marijuana that has not tried breathing oxygen first, making it the most powerful gateway drug we’ve ever seen.”

Researchers agree that although on some occasions marijuana users may go on to try more drugs and seek new experiences, most of them will never bother.

“I’ve been smoking weed since I was 16,” said researcher Kevin Heart. “I’ve never even had the slightest interest in trying anything else. I smoke every single day, and it’s amazing – why continue on? But, that said, I did try oxygen first, so that really was my gateway. Oxygen is a real fickle bitch, if you know what I mean.”

The Harvard researchers say that they are also looking into the correlation between people who drank water growing up who later became alcoholics.