Fallout Site At Chernobyl To Fully Open To Public

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHERNOBYL, Ukraine –

Officials in the Ukrainian government say that the time has come to officially open the doors to Chernobyl, the city that was largely abandoned after a meltdown in a nuclear reactor caused a massive radiation leak. The city, which has allowed tours in certain parts over the years, has mostly been locked down due to high levels of radiation.

“We have decided to allow people to return to the city to explore and enjoy,” said Mikhael Horowitz, a spokesman for the Ukrainian government. “Yes, the levels of radiation are still extremely high, even 30 years later. But, as we have found, many people will often separate from tour groups or sneak into restricted areas anyway, so why are we stopping anyone?”

Experts say that radiation levels closest to the reactors would still be at heights deemed unsafe, and that no one should be allowed to enter certain areas.

“I cannot believe they would allow people to enter into the inner parts of Pripyat,” said Dr. Marvin Jones. “Radiation levels, even now, are to the point that if you spent too much time in the area, you would most likely become sick, and probably even die, if you did not turn into some hideous creature or something first. It’s sick that they’d let people become bloodthirsty underground dwellers just to make a few bucks.”

Officials say that they need to send in a team to remove any rabid, radiated animals from the area first, and that the area will be opened again by the end of the year.

Coca-Cola To Release Clear Cola, ‘Diamond Coke’

Posted on May 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Coca-Cola officials have announced plans to release a new line of clear colas, dubbed Diamond Coke, after a craze in Europe has caused Pepsi to plan a relaunch of their Crystal Pepsi soda from the 80s.

“In the 80s, our largest competitor launched a clear cola, and frankly, it tasted like straight shit,” said Coke spokesman Charles DeMar. “We have created a perfect formula to launch Diamond Coke to the market with the exact same taste of regular Coca-Cola, but without all that black, brownish color. I can assure everyone that it tastes amazing.”

“Clearly naming their product Diamond Coke was a middle finger to Pepsi, and their ‘Crystal’ branding back in the day,” said frequent soda drinker Marvin Henry. “Frankly, I’m a Coke man through-and-through, so I will be buying plenty of Diamond as soon as it’s released. Diamonds are a guys best friend, now!”

Coca-Cola says that they plan to release their new Diamond sodas later this year. The soda will be available in original, cherry, and diet varieties.

In similar news, Coke says they are also looking to launch a dark version of their clear Sprite brand.

“We hope that Sprite Black takes off for us – all the great lemon-lime flavor of Sprite, but without all the pesky clearness!” said DeMar.

Apple Watch ‘Huge Piece of Shit’ Says Every Android User

Posted on May 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CUPERTINO, California –

Now that the Apple Watch has officially hit the market, Apple buffs around the world have been clamoring to get their hands on the ridiculously priced item, with many officially hailing it as the greatest piece of wearable technology ever created. But despite its praise, not everyone is excited by it.

“The Apple Watch is a huge piece of shit,” said Android user Rob Gacy. “I can’t imagine why anyone would care to get alerts, texts, and whatever on their wrist. Are Apple users so lazy that they can’t just reach into their pocket and pull out their tiny phone when they get a call? It’s ridiculous.”

“Seriously, I just got to play with an Apple Watch, and it’s a massive piece of shit,” said another Android user, Kyle Gates. “I cannot even for one second imagine wearing this hipster trash. Actually, I guess even hipsters can’t wear it, because if you’ve got tattoos on your arms by your wrist, the damn watch doesn’t work properly anyway. Can you imagine that? Like I said…piece of shit.”

Most Apple users say that they are extremely happy with the device, mostly because they’d feel stupid if they paid the kind of money they did for the watch, only to find out it was abysmal.

“I paid almost a thousand bucks for my watch,” said Apple user Mario Booner. “To be fair, it’s only okay. I can’t even figure out how to get it to tell time, which, you know, makes it kind of non-functional for that. But since it cost so much, I really can’t complain. I’d feel like a damn fool if I did.”

Google, who created the Android operating system and who leads the pack in the world of mobile operating systems, had no comment on the worthlessness of the Apple watch.

New Internet Browser Lets You Block News About Kanye West

Posted on May 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A software designer has created the world’s first internet browser that will automatically detect and block any news or reference made to Kanye West, the rapper/producer/jerkoff whose antics always seem to make national headlines.

“Honestly, I was just so sick of reading his ridiculous quotes and seeing his ugly, asshole frown,” said engineer Marcus Day. “There are apps out there you can get to block this or that keyword or image, but they rarely work, because they focus on too many things to block. My browser blocks one thing, and one thing only – Kanye West.”

Day says that he began work on the browser a couple of years ago after Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift at the Grammy awards.

“I couldn’t believe this big dumb asshole comes running up on stage, ruining her moment,” said Day. “I don’t really care about Taylor Swift, but I do care about morons ruining things. If he was anyone else, he’d have been arrested for a stunt like that. Instead, nothing happens except that he gets more attention and some ridicule. It needs to stop.”

Days browser will automatically block any reference to West’s name, as well has his image, from appearing anywhere on the internet as you browse.

“Social media, especially, makes a big deal about him. It’s sickening. So now, you can download WestAway and surf the net happily, with no mention of Kanye West whatsoever,” said Day. “Also, if you use the browser for several years, and West finally is no longer relevant, the browser can easily be updated to block out any mention of the next obnoxious asshole who the media starts fellating.”

Marvel Having Hard Time Finding Good Quote About ‘Avengers’ For Marketing Materials

Posted on May 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Normally after a massive launch of a new film, the studio will find critics or reviewers who have said good things about their film, and use quotes to further market their movie. It is not uncommon to see new TV spots featuring these quotes, such as “AMAZING! – says New York Times” during prominent primetime viewing hours, urging people to see the movie.

According to an anonymous insider, though, Marvel Entertainment is having a very difficult time finding any positive reviews to use in new marketing for Avengers: Age of Ultron.

“Normally, we’d have at least one critic who said it was ‘Awesome’ or ‘Amazing’ or whatever other generic adjective, and we could put that in a new TV ad or on some new posters, but we can’t find anyone who likes this movie,” said the anonymous source. “All the major reviews are coming in, and they’re all pretty blah. It’s not going to look very good if a new TV ad comes out, and it says ‘Go see Age of Ultron – It’s okay!”

Marvel has not commented publicly on the fact that they have no good reviews of their film, but many fans have noticed that there may be something up.

“Normally I drive by this giant billboard on the way to work, and there’s always an ad for the latest movie,” said Chicago resident Mario Levi. “Today there was an Avengers ad, but instead of the normal critics reviews, it just said ‘THE MOVIE WAS SO COOL! – @AvengersLover on Twitter.’ I don’t know who that is, but I’m guess he’s not a famous critic. I think I’ll save my fifteen bucks and watch it on Netflix in a couple months.”

Avengers: Age of Ultron opened in theatres May 1st, and is expected to have decent box office returns, without coming anywhere near the level of the first film.

Ryan Adams Forgets Who He Is, Performs Song By Bryan Adams

Posted on May 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Ryan Adams, a pop singer who has a few fans, apparently, kicked a man out of his concert in 2002 after the patron yelled out a request for the popular song Summer of ’69, made famous by Canadian Bryan Adams. Ryan, apparently having no sense of humor, asked for the man to be removed because he can’t handle any sort of reference to another musician named Adams.

Now, 13 years later, it seems that Ryan Adams has forgotten all about that incident, as at a concert in Nashville last week, Ryan went on to perform the hit made famous by Bryan, as he did actually perform a cover of the song Summer of ’69.

“I think he forgot who he was, or something,” said fan Mary Lambert. “All 14 fans who were at the show, we just got really confused, and for a minute, I thought I was at a Bryan Adams concert by accident. I really didn’t like what was happening.”

“It was bizarre. I knew I’d bought tickets to Ryan Adams, and I was already kicking myself for that as it was,” said Miranda Jones. “But then Ryan came out and he did that song about kinky foreplay, and I got so worried I was in the wrong place. Bryan…Ryan…it sounds the same, you know?”

According to Ryan Adams’ manager, Rick Jameson, he knew precisely what he was doing when Adams went out on stage.

“He didn’t forget who he was, I don’t think, anyway,” said Johnson. “I’m pretty sure that he just wanted to play a popular song and give something to the people that they might enjoy. God knows no one knows any Ryan Adams songs, anyway.”

Bryan Adams, who has been pushed into obscurity since the 90s, said that he was “flattered” that someone would cover his song.

“Now give me my damn royalty check,” said Bryan Adams.

Adding Suffix ‘Gate’ To End Of Word Doesn’t Automatically Make It A Scandal

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a new study by the Department Of Internet Relations, the word ‘gate’ has appeared more frequently online in the last year than ever before, as media and news outlets have begun adding the suffix to anything that they wanted to make seem more important or newsworthy.

“Gamergate, Shirtgate, Bridgegate, Flowergate, RiotGate, and more have appeared in national headlines over the last year and a half, and none of the incidents that were being reported were ever really that important,” said DIR spokesman Rick Facts. “Yes, some trolls got made at girls in gaming on the internet. Yes, some scientist wore a shirt with naked women on it. So what? Those things are not important. They’re barely even newsworthy, but – through the ‘gate’ on the end, and you’ve got a big thing, at least according to the media.”

Watergate, the scandal during President Nixon’s time in office that lead to him eventually stepping down from office, is the first major news story to feature the ‘gate’ suffix, but in a slightly different context – the hotel that the name references was actually called the Watergate, they didn’t add it on to make the scandal more important.

“That’s the difference between then and now,” said Facts. “Watergate was a real scandal, and a real securities issue. These things now, these people – they just throw ‘gate’ onto the end of a word and they want it to become the next big thing. Sorry, no. Feminists and internet trolls will never be to the level of a government cover-up, no matter what word you call it.”

Facts says that people should be forced to just call these things what they are – non-news.

“I hope someday that people will stop calling everything ‘whatevergate’ just to make it seem scandalous. For crying out loud, just report the news, and stop being stupid.”

‘Lip Synch Battle’ Show Proves People Will Watch Anything, Regardless of Entertainment Value

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Lip Synch Battle, the new series on SpikeTV that pits two celebs against each other in a lip synch competition has been heating up in the ratings, as each week two new megastars pretend to have talent to the cheers of a live audience.

“We knew when Jimmy Fallon started doing this bit on his show and the clips were going viral that we could base a whole series around it,” said SpikeTV CEO Ross Doucheman. “Now, each week we get new celebs who may or may not be talented in their own field to come out and pretend to have musical dance and singing talent. It’s really a stupid idea, but hey, people are watching it.”

Doucheman says that the ratings for the series have skyrocketed since the first episode, which featured Fallon facing off against action star Dwayne Johnson.

“Basically, we got two people out on stage who are mediocre at what they do, and they pretended to be great at singing. It was a good show,” said Doucheman. “Now, we’re doing it every single week, and all sorts of people are watching. Really, I think we could film celebs taking a shit for 30 minutes and air that, and people would watch. It doesn’t even matter anymore, we’re definitely not ‘trying’ or anything. But, either way, I’m still rolling around in a brand new Tesla 300, so keep watching, people!”

Republicans Blaming Obama For Baltimore Riots

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

Repbulicans across the country have come together, at least on the internet, to blame the one person they say is the most likely candidate as the cause of the Baltimore riots – President Barack Obama.

“Obama is black, and this is all a black thing,” said young, white Republican Joe Goldsmith. “Obviously if we had a white president, there would be no monkeys rioting in Baltimore, stealing things and acting like animals, even if they are only a half-step up from apes in the first place.”

“Obama needs to pull his head out of his ass, and tell all his black brothers in Baltimore to get their shit together,” said old, bitter Republican Richard Brand. “Obviously Barack Hussein Obama is the reason that these blacks feel they can even get away with this. They know that in the end, if they get too far into the system, their black buddy in the oval office will just pardon away their crimes. It’s sick.”

According to several commenters on the internet, though, it’s the Republicans who are to blame.

“All you rich, white honkey bastards are to blame for this mess,” said Baltimore resident Jamal Carter. “If ya’ll whitebread mothers hadn’t installed white, racist cops into the police system, and if all you white cornbread bitches hadn’t built businesses in our city, selling your high-end TVs and laptops and cell phones, we wouldn’t have no reason to loot and steal. It’s clearly not Obama’s fault, it’s whitey’s fault.”

Obama, who could not be reached for comment, has only only 1 and a half years left in office, but has said previously he assumes that he has at least 4 to 5 more years of being blamed for every problem the country encounters.

Bruce Jenner Praised As ‘American Hero,’ Transgender People Everywhere Bored By News

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

During an interview with Dianne Sawyer, Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner, best known now for being the former step-father to the clan of Kardashian whores, described his transformation from once-proud man into a now-proud woman. The interview was watched by dozens of people, but so far no transgender people have come forward to say that they had any interest in the interview.

“If it had been someone relevant that they were talking to, then it might have been worth watching,” said Melissa Reynolds, a transgender woman. “Bruce Jenner is just…I mean look at him. He’s a nightmare. American hero? Please. Millions of other people have gone through everything he’s going through, but they didn’t get a damn Dateline interview.”

“I don’t care a dick about Bruce Jenner, personally,” said another transgender woman, Vanessa Royale. “He was on a Wheaties box when my mom was a kid, but I didn’t eat Wheaties anyway, so I can’t be bothered to care. If anything, Laura Jane Grace from the punk band Against Me! is the one they should have been talking to. If they want to teach people about transgender issues, especially young people, having someone they can relate to a little better than Bruce Friggin’ Jenner might have been a better idea.”

Jenner, who is on his way fully becoming a woman, says he has no issue with pronouns, and is comfortable being referred to as either ‘he’ or ‘she,’ and just wants to be allowed to live his life as he sees fit.

“They said that the interview was going to be one that everyone talked about, but I don’t know anyone talking about it,” said Reynolds. “He’s not an American hero for becoming a woman. He was an Olympic hero, sure, but now, he’s just another transgender person who is trying to become what he feels he is on the inside. That’s not heroism, and talking about something that many, many other people have been dealing with or dealt with for years isn’t heroism either. He’s just another part of the pack, now.”