KFC Protested After Patrons Begin Finding Watermelon, Grape Drink on Menus

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

Restaurant chain Kentucky Fried Chicken is stirring the pot in the southern states this week, after several patrons noticed that many of their local franchises had added watermelon slices, grape drink, and corn bread to their menus.

“It was an outrage,” said frequent KFC customer John Limon. “Watermelon? Grape drink? Clearly this restaurant has no idea how to cater to its white customer base, and I for one, will never come here again until they remove these items from their menu.”

Company spokesman Shirley Gordon says that they were trying out new things on their menus, but that they were trying to reach a new audience, not alienate their current customers.

“We have been selling to mostly white families for decades, and we felt it was time to stretch out a bit, and possibly reach some African-American households,” said Gordon. “We already had fried chicken on our menus, of course, but that wasn’t bringing them in. We assumed it was because we were missing the proper sides and beverages. We now have that.”

“It’s too bad that all them white folks are making such a fuss about this watermelon deal,” said Patrick Lamar. “I don’t know why. They don’t have to get the damn watermelon. I love watermelon, and until KFC put it on their menu, I had no interest in going. I hope they don’t cave to the demand of the white guys, like companies always seem to do.”

KFC says that at this time the items are in “test markets” only, and they have not made a final decision about fully rolling it out to all locations. KFC is part of the YUM! brand of restaurants, which also owns Taco Bell and Long John Silver.

New Teen Trend Has Kids Licking Each Other’s Hair To Get High

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GROVER, Mississippi –

A new trend amongst teens and young adults throughout most of the midwest has emerged, and it’s one of the weirdest ones yet. According to Hardline Magazine, a popular periodical for teens, kids in Mississippi have begun licking each other’s hair in order to get high.

From Hardline:

It was amazing to us too, but human hair is apparently a very powerful psychedelic with a great ‘body high,’ and teens have begun licking each other in record numbers.

Dr. Richard Kimble, of Floyd Memorial Hospital in Grover, Mississippi says that he’s already seen 2 teens overdose, and that he’s extremely scared that it could become an epidemic if not controlled immediately.

“These teens, they don’t understand that even if they are getting high off licking each other’s hair, your hair contains millions and millions of microbes that can cause illness or death,” said Dr. Kimble. “Aside from just the gross things like possible lice or dandruff, there are also various bacteria that could render you completely paralyzed, comatose, or violently ill. I am warning all parents to watch for signs of your child licking hair.”

Dr. Kimble says that parents can look for swollen eyes, thick, cotton-like mouth, and also blisters on the tongue.

“I don’t even care what the doctors say, I’ve never been so fucking high in my life,” said Louis Carter, 16. “I lick my girlfriend’s hair all the time, and she licks mine. We have also experimented with licking armpit hair, and also licking pubic hair. Armpit hair didn’t get me high, but pubic hair led to some great sex. Only hair on the head will give you the trip, though.”

“If you suspect that your teen might be addicted to licking hair, please, get them help immediately. If you believe your child has been having his or her head licked, then please shave their head, while they sleep if necessary, and put a stop to this horrid drug abuse quickly.”

School In Arizona To Automatically Pass All Students To Avoid ‘Hurting Anyone’s Feelings’

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JEROME, Arizona –

A school board in Jerome, Arizona has voted to pass all students through each grade, regardless of the student’s grades or abilities, each year up to, and including, graduation senior year. The school says that it is in an effort to “decrease student drop-out rates” and “increase morale amongst the kids.”

According to the Jerome Gazette, the drop-out rate for students in their school district is a whopping 63%.

“Most kids here, they make it to about 7th or 8th grade, then they drop out. It’s really frustrating. We have good teachers but bad students, basically,” said school board president Larry Moore. “They start leaving when they realize they’ll never graduate anyway, so they’d rather start working at their fast food job then, rather than waiting and feeling sorry for themselves.”

School superintendent Florence Simms says that they decided to just start passing students regardless of their level of comprehension of a subject, and regardless of grades, so that more kids might be tempted to stay in school.

“It doesn’t matter that they know we’re passing them even if they’re completely stupid,” said Simms. “What matters is they’re staying, coming to school for the 8 hours each day, and eventually, something might sink in. I’d rather that they have a little bit more education, even if it’s just learning their times tables or how to write in cursive, before heading off to the world of work than having almost no education. Plus, we sometimes had kids who did apply themselves, and graduated for real. One with honors, even. So how does that make the rest of the kids feel? Horrible. We don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

Students seems mostly pleased with the new rule on automatic passing, saying that they are happy they will end up with an actual diploma.

“I was pretty much ready to drop out,” said 14-year-old Michael Davidson. “My dad dropped out. Grandpa dropped out. Mom dropped out when she got pregnant with my sister. Oh, yeah – my sister dropped out, too. Guess I’ll be the first one in my family to get a high school degree. Shit, maybe I can go to college now, too!”

Simms says that the program is one that she hopes other schools with high drop-out rates will consider, modeling their programs after what Jerome has done.

“It’s a real winner,” said Simms. “This year, we’ll have 14 graduates! That’s 12 more than last year. By 2035, we anticipate having a graduating class of over 200. Mostly because all these idiots who we’re passing through will be boning like mad and having more idiot kids. The cycle is strong, here in Jerome.”

‘Fast And Furious 8’ To Feature Entirely CGI-Created Paul Walker

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

After bringing in over $200 million in domestic box office grosses in just over 2 weeks, and over a billion dollars worldwide, it was a no-brainer that the Fast and Furious franchise would continue after the success of the latest film, Furious 7. The movie, released April 3rd, marked the final installment in the series for Paul Walker, who played ex-police officer Brian O’Conner, when he died during filming of the movie in November of 2013.

The latest film gives a peaceful and loving tribute to the man who, by all accounts, was as much a loving family man off-screen as he was on. The ending of the movie has caused fans to shed more than a few tears, and that’s why it was with great amazement and surprise that the studio announced that the as-yet-untitled 8th film in the series, was set to star Paul Walker again – this time in a completely CGI-created way.

“Paul died during the filming of the seventh film, and we were able to finish his scenes using stand-ins with CGI-matted faces and voices taken from previous and other films,” said film producer Joe Goldsmith. “When we saw how great it came out, it became obvious that we could keep Paul alive in the next movie, via complete CGI.”

Many fans are saying that they think it’s a great idea, and that it will be nice to see Walker in another film, despite his untimely death.

“I think it’s an awesome idea,” said one fan on Twitter, who goes by the name @FaFFan4Eva. “I love Paul, and I’m glad he continue on. Vin Diesel says Paul always wanted at least 8 movies, so now there can be one! Also, now we can get other dead stars back in movies, too!”

Although no script has been written and no official announcement made for initial filming, producers are confident that the next Fast film will be the biggest yet.

“If you thought people came in droves to see our goodbye to Paul,” said Goldsmith. “just wait until you see them show up for his resurrection!”

Shire Pharmaceutical Company Announces Plans To Release Adderall As Over-The-Counter Medication

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

Shire, PLC, the company that manufacturers the prescription drug Adderall, has reportedly reached an agreement with the federal government to have their drug’s schedule 2 status removed, and allow for over-the-counter purchases in stores. Currently, Adderall, which is used in the treatment of ADHD in children, teens, and adults, is only available through prescription from a doctor or license medical professional.

“We have finally reached an agreenement with the necessary agencies and we can announce that Adderall will become fully available, in multiple strengths, in an OTC, or over-the-counter manner, starting later this year,” said Shire spokesman Andy Roider. “We as a company feel that most people know when they have attention or focusing problems, but they need to see a doctor to get a prescription, and that’s a hassle. This will cut out the middle man.”

Adderall, which is one of – if not the most – abused prescription drugs in the United States, is commonly taken by high school and college-aged students who want to stay awake for long periods of time, whether it be to study or to party.

“Oh man, I took like 400mg of Addie the other day,” said high school junior Mark Dodson. “I’ve been up since Saturday. Seriously, it’s fucking awesome. I love Adderall. But they’re like $10 a pill right now, and it’s insane. I can’t wait for them to be legal to just buy. I’ll get mine at Wal-Mart in bulk. It’s going to be so amazing.”

Many parents are upset that their children will have regular access to the drug, and say that it’s only going to increase the amount of kids who are abusing it.

“It’s bad enough that they legalized weed in Colorado where we live, now they’re going to just let my kid start taking pills legally, too?” said a mother of a 15-year-old teenage girl, Kelsey, in Aspen. “I’ve gotten Kelsey off of marijuana, cigarettes, booze, tar, crack, and molly – now I’m going to have to get her off her anticipated Adderall addiction. Wow, thanks big pharma.”

The drug is slated to be downgraded in the fall, pending government sign-off.

Previously Unseen Painting By Da Vinci Found In Alley Dumpster

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BERLIN, New Hampshire –

A previously unseen painting that has been confirmed to be by Leonardo Da Vinci was recently found in a dumpster behind an abortion clinic in Berlin, New Hampshire. The painting, which had apparently hung in the clinic for many years, was thrown away after falling from the wall and the frame cracking in the process.

“We certainly didn’t know what it was when we threw it away,” said abortionist Dr. Rachel Cline. “If we had, we would have sold it years ago, instead of keeping it on the wall for sad, pregnant teen moms to look at while waiting for their lives to change forever.”

The painting was purchased at a garage sale by Dr. Cline in 1997, at a local home, but says she’s forgotten exactly where. She said it had hung in her clinic for the better part of 20 years before she tossed it after a large truck driving by shook it off the wall. As luck would have it though, a homeless resident of Berlin saw the painting sticking out of the dumpster, and pulled it out.

“Before I took up my crack habit, I was a world-renowned scholar and professor of art history,” said vagrant Sonny Encher. “I saw the painting sticking out of the dumpster, and it looked so much like a Da Vinci, I had to check it out.”

Encher toook the painting to a former colleague who, along with a team of art history professors and researchers, confirmed it to be an original, long-lost painting by the world-famous artist.

“I don’t know who gets the money for this painting when it sells,” said Encher, “But I better be getting a damn cut of it. They threw it out, I saved it, and it’s worth probably $6 or $7 million. I could certainly use more crack, and that would help a lot.”

Currently, the artwork is being restored by a professional team, and is expected to be put up for sale at auction through Sotheby’s, with an expected fetch of $7+ million. No word on how the painting ended up in New Hampshire, or who owned the painting originally.

Several Southern States Consider Legalizing Murder Of African-Americans To Better Serve Police Forces

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

Several states throughout the southern part of the country, including Texas, Kentucky, and Alabama, are considering passing laws that will legalize the violent murders of African-Americans by policemen and women, to help ‘better serve’ the officers, who many legislators are saying have a job that is tough enough without worrying about possible arrest and conviction themselves.

“There have been several high-profile arrests and trials of white police officers over the last several years after they have been accused of killing ‘innocent’ black men in the streets,” said congressman Vinnie Relso (R-Texas). “I brought forth these new laws, new concepts, because I want our men and women in blue to feel safe. Safe on the streets, safe in their jobs, and safe from prosecution from having to use their weapons in the line of duty.”

Relso says that he has garnered much support from other members of congress, as well as constituents in his home state of Texas.

“Oh hell yes, I don’t see a problem at all with killing a couple gang-banging spooks once in a while,” said Austin resident Gil Myers. “Back when I was a kid, we didn’t have gangs. We sure as shit didn’t have blacks. Now Austin is a violent city full of violent criminals. I don’t carry if a black kid’s got a gun or not when he’s walking down the street. If a police officer wants him to stop and answer some questions, there’s probably a reason. If the officer has to gun him down, shit, he probably had a reason, too. No harm, no foul.”

Many opponents of the proposed bill have stepped up to rally against Relso, who says he has received many death threats since the news first broke of his plans.

“To be honest, though, I don’t pay those threats any mind whatsoever,” said Relso. “As far as I’m concerned, all the emails are from well-to-do blackies and their well-to-do liberal friends, and they’ll never even attempt to say the same things to my face. Besides, everyone knows that no Democrat can fire a gun with an accuracy, anyway.”

Movie Theatre Popcorn Linked To Erectile Dysfunction

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

It might be a good idea to lay off those refillable combos at your local multiplex, fellas. A recent study released by the American Journal Of Erectile Function states that popcorn, specifically the kind that is served at your local movie theatre, can play a significant part in erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

“If you’re a movie buff, and you’re finding it hard to get it up and keep it up, it’s probably from years of abuse to your penis – via kettle-popped popcorn,” said Dr. Frances Joseph, professor of penile studies at American Journal. “As it turns out, chemicals that are commonly used in the popcorn salt flavoring, as well as the oil, has a significant result in that it keeps the penis super relaxed. It’s something we’re still not understanding completely, but are trying to find the precise link.”

Joseph says that the “butter flavoring” that theatres use isn’t much better for your body, but does have the alternate use of being capable of being a fantastic personal lubricant.

“In our research and discovery, we tested many parts of the popcorn that is commonly served in theatres, and we also took the liberty of breaking down and researching the fake butter used as well,” said Joseph. “It turns out it’s mostly water-based lubricants, much like sex lube, and can be used in mostly the same way with very little issue.”

Joseph says that he is asking men to discontinue eating movie theatre popcorn on their visits to the local multiplex, unless they’ve already had children are not interested in having more. The study indicated that it will take its findings to multiple theatre chains to work out new recipes for popcorn and new methods of cooking that do not decrease a man’s sexual levels.

Two Men Transported To Hospital After Horrible ‘Docking’ Sex-Act Accident

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Two unnamed men were admitted to a San Francisco hospital yesterday after becoming stuck together during a sex-act known as ‘docking.’ Apparently popular in the homosexual community, docking is when a man sticks the head of his erect penis against the head of his partner’s, and his partner will cover his penis with the foreskin. The pair then perform mutual masturbation while standing or laying next to one another.

Doctors say that the men, who were both in their early 30s, were brought into the emergency room after becoming ‘fused together’ while docking.

“Basically, the man’s foreskin was too tight to really stretch around his partner’s penis, and when they began the act, the skin pulled tighter. This, mixed with sweat and pre-ejaculate, caused the men to be stuck together,” said Dr. Patrick Darcy of the San Francisco General Hospital. “We brought the pair into surgery, where we essentially performed an adult circumcision on one of the men. It was quick, but no doubt extremely painful for both of them.”

A nurse who spoke with Empire News under the promise of annonymity said that she almost couldn’t stop laughing when the men were brought in.

“I’m not homophobic or anything. I don’t care what they were doing – hell, it probably felt great before this happened,” said the nurse. “But I tell you, the guys, when they got wheeled in, most of us nurses had to rush to the bathrooms or the break room and just belt out with laughter. It was too much – and I’m not talking about the penis sizes, either.”

The men were treated and released shortly after the minor surgery.

Inventor Creates Car That Runs On Whole Milk

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURTON, Germany –

A german inventor has created a car with an engine that is capable of running on whole milk. David Mylehoff, 44, says that he created the car out of necessity, as gas prices have soared throughout Germany, while milk prices have remained low.

“Most people, they say it’s silly to have a car run on milk,” said Mylehoff. “In the United States, where gas and milk are mostly the same price, milk might be slightly higher even, sure – it’s silly. Here in Germany and in many other countries, milk is plentiful and gas is not. We are paying a high premium for our petrol.”

Mylehoff says that the process in which the car is able to power itself via milk is a secret one, but is something he hopes to patent to be able to then license to major car companies.

“Can you imagine if all cars could, theoretically, run on milk? It would be a marvel of the modern age,” said Mylehoff. “My hope is to be able to license my invention to people like Volkswagen, so they can create new cars of the future – the future of the dairy-driven automobile.”

So far, Volkswagen says they have not been pitched the milk engine, but would be open to the idea of a possible license.

“We definitely like innovation,” said VW spokesman Gerry Dresden. “We would be more than happy to meet with Mr. Mylehoff and hear about his great, new invention.”

Mylehoff says that he hopes that he can next figure a way to make a vehicle run on water, so that the world becomes less-reliant on oil. In the mean time, he is working closely with dairy farmers throughout Europe, the United States, and Canada, to fulfill what he anticipates will be a “heavy need” for milk in the near future.